my chakras are blocked

ever read up on chakras?

if not, i seriously recommend it. i do not really want to use this post to explain all the details of the chakras, either, as i am not a professional and i am just entering to knowledge about them. maybe one day i will go over each chakra in detail. but today i just want to talk about the seven chakras in me. more specifically, i want to talk about how blocked each one is.

for a long time i have felt numb. i find it difficult to cry, to express myself, to feel in touch with my body and with others. i do not tap into sexuality well, handle feelings appropriately, or feel centered for long periods of time. my root chakra is completely closed and, because energy travels from your root to your crown, it makes sense as to why i feel so emotionally and spiritually stagnant.

i feel unable to release emotional baggage blocking me from entering my spirituality and true place of emotional balance. i know yoga helps and i just scheduled an appointment for reiki massage therapy and charka balancing but i am at a loss as to how to further the process along. i do not know how to work on opening my blockages myself. i do know i desperately want to.

i guess i am asking for help today, for suggestions and helpful guidance. i am so very new to spirituality in general and a little less new to emotional balance. i am sending signals of help out into space right now and crossing my fingers and toes for a response. any help is appreciated, particularly if you have a deep knowledge about chakras and blockages and balance.

because i am so damn lost.

namaste

zoe

resettling

unhappy waves returned.

(a san francisco sunset the other day.)

a few days ago, actually. the high of the early year left my system. reality plucked me up by the head and dropped me on me ass. just to say, “yes, all this shit is still here, and yes, you still need to deal with it.” well, universe, i hear you.

though i feel better today, i am still aware of how delicate this space is. i am still working out balancing, releasing, and moving forward. i am still managing my anxiety too which, honestly, can be a huge battle (one i never really discuss here). to tell you the truth, the past few days saw very little self-love. i definitely back slid a little bit. poor choices made out of the depths of self-doubt served me no purpose, except to unhinge me.

i think though, we all need to be unhinged from time to time. someone is asking you to really consider your reactions. each time i am presented with a difficulty, whether it be an emotion or a situation, i am challenged to respond from a place of self-compassion. as a life-long self-hater, responding gently is not easy. at all. but the fact that i am aware of what triggers me and of how i naturally react allows me to slow down, breathe, and consider my options. i no longer feel like a roaring, whirling hurricane of emotion hellbent on destroying my sanity. one bad day will not offset the rest of my week or the rest of my month anymore. though i fucked up yesterday (really) i love myself enough to be well today. i am not shrugging and telling myself “what’s the use?” i am shrugging and telling myself “that was yesterday, this is today.” every moments offers you a new step in a positive direction.

the more i stumble into hard to swallow emotional situations, the more i see how old habits no longer suit me. i find my body asking for things like yoga, bubble baths, and long walks. and music. somuchmusic. frantic moments don’t leave me standing in front of an open fridge or hunched over a bag of this or a carton of that. i am recreating myself, mindful moment by mindful moment. i am reentering my body, reorienting myself with the space i occupy (who knew it was so hard to feel your body! seriously though.). i am taking control of the things i can control and releasing the idea of controlling the things i cannot control (like the future, outcomes, and expectations.).

this isn’t easy. but this is the work i need to do right now. if i am not centered and okay with myself, i am anxious, critical, edgy, and rash with other people. before i move forward with relationships or big moves or achieving dreams, i first need to deal with myself. i don’t know how long this is going to take but i know that patience is on my side. no matter how dark some days get around here, there is always a light i can focus on. considering how lost i used to be in my tunnel of darkness, i am pretty satisfied with the occasional dimly light day. because i know it’s just that: occasional.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i totally finished putting together my space last night. best hippie den yet! it’s comfortable, relaxing, and sort of like a little retreat for me. isn’t that what personal spaces are supposed to be? i am trying to take care of the space around me, as i am a firm believer in how much your outer space reflects your inner space. calm and collected = neat and organized. crazy and whirring = messy as all hell.

what you don’t see: john lennon on the back of my door. a wall full of hats. a treadmill (bleh, no where else to put it. it found its home in my room when i left for college). a dresser with a tv (not used. will use for treadmill walks once it starts raining). another tapestry. my jewelry holder. different colored walls. yup. it’s shaping up to be the best room i’ve ever lived in. i love decorating!)

(p.p.s: THANK YOU for the responses yesterday. sososo appreciated. you all are the best. just so you know )

a new year

i am so ready to wrap 2011 up in a box and shelve it.

(source)
2011, in summation, has a one word description: struggle.

in 2011 i:
got cheated on
gained back all the weight i lost plus more
developed a binge eating problem
developed bulimia in response to said bingeing problem
self-harmed
fell into a deep depression
got sick more than i did in the past two years

in 2011 i:
found myself again
fell in love with life again
crawled out of the darkness
started seeing a therapist
started feeling and processing my emotions
started eating meat again (!)
broke out of my restrictive eating habits
broke out of my exercise compulsion
went deeper into my yoga practice
learned how to balance again (literally and figuratively)
made beautiful, solid friendships
got out of my comfort zone (hello, burning man!)
found my soul on the dance floor

i never laughed and cried so much in one year. i never felt more inspired and more stuck. i never felt more confident and more uncomfortable. talk about a crazy emotional, crazy hectic — just crazy period — year.

though i’m definitely not one to make new years resolutions, i somehow decided to make one last year. looking at it makes me smile. in only 12 short months so much has changed…

(last year’s list)
GO DEEPER INTO MY YOGA PRACTICE (already happening!)
START AND COMPLETE MY FIRST 200 HOURS OF YOGA SCHOOL
GO TO CULINARY SCHOOL
GET MY TATTOO (making the appointment tomorrow, actually!)
RUN A HALF MARATHON
RUN A MARATHON
COOK AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
FINISH THE NOVEL I STARTED THIS PAST SEMESTER
CUT WHITE SUGAR OUT OF MY DIET COMPLETELy (seriously you guys, this shit just does not jive with me and i kind of need to accept it.)
ATTEND COUNSELING UNTIL I FEEL STRONG ENOUGH TO STAND ON MY OWN
LOVE MYSELF. COMPLETELY.

in review, how did i expect to accomplish any of that in one year! what a ridiculous set up for ultimate failure! i went deeper in my yoga practice and totally garnered a bottomless self-love. i cooked, but not as much as i hoped. about the only other thing i accomplished on that list was seeing a counselor. still happening! but me? running a marathon and a half marathon? whaaaaat a flippin’ joke!

this year, i have much more simple goals…

continue on my path of wellness
continue on my journey of self-love
continue to deepen my yoga practice
continue with therapy
go back to school for naturopathic medicine
read a little more
write a little more
step back from the screen a lot more
play around with and learn my camera more
say ‘yes‘ to everything i can manage, especially those things that scare me the most
laugh more
love more
play more
cook more
reach a natural, healthy weight

in the past few years i feel like i started every year by saying “this year is going to be a good year.” in my heart of hearts though, i know i never really believed it. i lived with too much foreboding, too much sadness, too much hatred to ever really believe it.

this year though…

this year is going to be the year i’ve been waiting for. i can feel it. for real this time.

do you make new years resolutions? did you accomplish any this year? what are yours for this coming year, if you make them?

namaste

zoe

on love, in sadness

i am sorrowful today.

filled up with sadness. bound by melancholy. yet, surrounded by beauty.

december and all its winter accessories have yet to make an appearance. cooler temperatures don’t match the blue of the sky outside my window. growing underneath that blue bannered heaven are trees. so much green in the dead of winter. no rain. no snow. just short days filled with sunshine and cold, crisp, clear night skies.

i just spent an hour on my yoga mat, unwinding and reinvigorating. heart openers left me emotionally shaky. you see, right now, despite the beautiful weather, despite the love i am surrounded by, despite the support holding me up, despite all the abundance in my life, i still find myself living in fear. in sadness, anger, frustration. i am living in negativity, resentment, and agitation. instead of living in kindness, compassion, peace, patience, gratitude, humility, and openness, i am just mad, turbulent, humiliated, and scared. instead of releasing, i am holding on.

the heaviness of old and current issues alike sit on my chest daily. they immobilize me, press the light and life out of my soul. i am tired of struggling, of fighting. a change is necessary yet i don’t even know where to begin. i don’t know how to release all this heaviness. i don’t know how to just be and stop thinking and feeling too much. i don’t know how to be soft with myself, either. the gentleness of my nature only extends to others. when i turn it inward, it disintegrates within days.

emotional waves swell and crash the second i wake up. it’s life, i know, but i seem to react in extremes. yesterday, i cried through out my entire hour long doctor’s appointment (yes, i was really embarrassed). then, during the afternoon i felt dreamy, talkative, and happy. then it was right back to tears and discomfort in the evening. on monday my therapist urged me again to consider seeing a psychiatrist, mainly because she suspects i might have some low-grade bi-polar disorder. my doctor urged me in the same direction by the end of my appointment yesterday, too.

i just want to live. i don’t want to be utterly devastated by sadness or uncomfortably buzzed and jittery by happiness anymore. i want to love life throughly. i want to love myself, my environment, and everyone and everything. i just don’t know how or where to begin.

do you have any advice you can offer me? what helps you? (last night my brother told me he does into his room and listens to music when he feels funky. love that idea).

i’m starting to realize just how much support i need right now. i continually underestimate how many resources i need to rely on, if only to help keep me stable until i feel strong enough to be more on my own. also, i’m starting to see that seeking help is okay. in fact, it’s probably for the best.

i know one thing that helps though. music. music always helps. (and i just got a killer pair of big, noise canceling headphones for hanukkah.)

namaste

zoe

(p.s: sorry for the downer of a post.

p.p.s: i apologized to the guy i treated so rudely the other night. all is well.

p.p.p.s: i. love. american. horror. story.

edit: p.p.p.p.s: i couldn’t help myself. i had to do this: zoe, with gratitude.)

what’s working

things are looking up!

(source)

(anyone remember the kaiser commercial with the little chubby blonde boy talking about his health? the one at the end where he said things are looking up? so, so sweet.)

i am finally hammering down what works for my good old body. my skin is glowing again (seriously. and a lot of wrinkles are gone!) — not looking like a pimpled out sixteen-year-old’s. my hair is thick and grows like a weed (it’s taking over my face. haircut?). my nails are strong. my stomach no longer hurts after every meal. i am not ravenous throughout the day. the much unappreciated bloating has left me alone (thank god). my bathroom visits are consistent. so is my period (remember i lost it for 9 months?). i do not think about food outside of when i am hungry (this is HUGE). my mood swings have lessened significantly (so much so that i was surprised to get my last period. usually i’m irritable and teary beyond all belief. last time? nothing.). the best part though? i’m just fucking happy.

now i contribute these (radical) changes with a few things.

protein.

protein has stabilized my body. i credit it for killing the binges.

specifically eggs.

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oh sweet baby jesus, do i love me some eggs! i eat, on average, one to two a day. usually in the morning time. i am full without feeling stuffed and energized for long bouts of time.

in addition to eggs, i added chicken, fish, and turkey back into my life. yes kids, you heard right — i am eating meat again. i fully believe a plant based diet can help so, so many people. i am simply not one of them. i tried. i tried so hard. but there is no denying how much better i feel with animal protein back in my life.

another biggie?

cutting back on carbs and upping the veggies.

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to be honest, i am dabbling in the paleo lifestyle. this includes cutting out grains. however, i know from past experience that i cannot cut out grains one hundred percent. otherwise, i am risking walking back into binge world — a place i seriously do not want to be. so, i usually eat one serving of grains a day, preferably in the morning or around lunch time. otherwise, i feel distended. night time is no time for carbs (for me). usually, i replace the carbs with veggies. veggies at breakfast? okay with me! veggies all day? bring it

adding fat has helped.

(source)
i kicked peanut butter and almond butter out of my fridge (the sight of it makes me gag. too many months spent bingeing on it.). now, my nut butter of choice is tahini (technically a seed butter). so delicious!

i love avocados (as always), ghee (why oh why did it take me so long to find this?), olive oil, and small servings of (preferably raw) cheese. yum!

i say small because dairy straight hates me.

no yogurt. no fro-yo (so. sad.). no ice cream. no milk. otherwise, i am a gas machine and uncomfortably bloated with minor stomach pains. raw dairy helps.

last but not least, the biggest and best change thus far has been cutting out sugar.

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i react ridiculously strong to sugar. white sugar, primarily. compare it to an addiction. if i eat something sweet, i usually crave more. andmoreandmoreandmore. it’s a cycle that induces binges for me and one i am able to manage only if i keep sugar out of my life. it also plagues me with mood swings and depression. i really don’t like that. so that means no white sugar, no maple syrup, no agave, no fake sweeteners. if i want to feel my best, i avoid added sugar. i am trying not to drop sugar cold turkey (cold turkey never works for me). instead, i am phasing it out. so far, so good!

i’ve overhauled my exercise routine, too.

(source)
yoga has saved my life. again. i cannot stress to you how much stronger i am, physically and mentally, after picking up yoga again. i only practice two to four times a week but it has made such a difference in my physical, emotional, and spiritual appearance. i am grounded and centered, strong and happy. i love yoga.

something else i love? intervals. i decided i hate running. did i tell you i got to the last week of the c25k running program and went, “eff this” and dropped it? cause i did. i don’t want to spend time doing things i hate. intervals though? gimme gimme moooore! (sidenote: remember that b-spears song???). i’ve always been a sprinter (why i played forward in soccer). so it only makes sense i prefer sprints to hour long distance runs. bleh.

i still climb (though not nearly as much as i want). and i bike everywhere i can. iheartmybike. i love walking too. it always wakes me up. hiking rocks as does jillian michael’s videos (primarily the shred series). i am thinking of dipping my toe into the weight lifting pool but for now, i am still too scaredy cat to go in without my floaties (aka my brother, the lifter).

oh, and real random, but going out has helped a lot, too. i am a social person. always have been and always will. locking myself in the house does me more bad than it does good. interacting with people provides room for play in my life, something i think everyone needs to be lighthearted.

and there you have it, loves. what’s working for me, right now. i am happy. and feeling more whole every day. i apologize for the long post but, a lot has changed. it took a lot of listening to my body, observing my intuition (yours is there! promise!), and giving up “rules”. why should you live by someone else’s rules when you know your body and your needs the best?

enjoy your weekend! i have to work till 6:30 today. WEAK. but i will do it all with a smile. just cause

what have you changed for the better this year?

namaste

zoe

self-love sunday

(self-love) sunday!

(source)

my favorite day of the week. no work. no work tomorrow. just easy bliss.

sundays allow me to ground myself and quiet my mind. i usually laze around and wake up dreamy slow. brunch and coffee always follow suit (though, i ate at the farmer’s market today and still need to pick up a coffee…!). generally, sundays provide me a healthy, happy time to reflect.

early in the week i spoke with a friend. in our conversation we discussed the frantic, self-created need to constantly be on top of all the things we feel we should be on top of: school, work, exercise, our social scenes. we both are born from the instant gratification generation, though, personally, i think our technologic age bridges the generation gaps. america, it seems, lives by the beat of its pulse. every moment feels planned, every day mapped out. we go, go, go till we crumble beneath the unattainable concept of perfection. success and failure become our only two options. no one wants to fail so we berate ourselves into achievement, motivating ourselves with harsh self-talk, particularly if we do not accomplish what we set out to do immediately.

but what about the concept of ease?

for a long, solid time i lived in the black and white world of perfectionism. if i attempted something and did not reach the (impossible) goals i paved out for myself, i abandoned said something almost instantly. or i pushed and pushed and pushed myself unhealthily till i reached the end i sought. who wants to feel like a failure anyway?

however, living in such a rigid state set me up for “failure” more than it did “success”. it’s how i ended up with a compulsive exercise problem. it’s how i ended up with an eating disorder. it’s how i ended up depressed for so, so long. i never stopped to consider the time it took to reach the goals i molded for myself. i never eased my body into anything. i wanted to run ten miles so i did (without proper training or long distance running knowledge). i wanted to become vegan (after only a handful of months living as a vegetarian) so i did. i wanted to bend myself into asanas (requiring years of practice) so i did. i simply wanted to instantly be the best at everything i tackled, regardless of whether it took ample time or not.

yet, we do not live in such a black and white world. for the majority of people approaching anything, whether it be eating healthier or moving more (or even reading more!), requires baby steps. it sounds silly but how often have you burnt yourself out after a few weeks of trying your new “thing”? how often have you shrugged and said “forget it” for no real reason other than the results you wished for did not happen immediately? building healthy, positive habits asks for patience, time, and forgiveness. there are no “slip ups” out here in the grey area. just choices. and life.

ease into new beginnings. you want to eat better and move on the regular? try not to do slip into “all or nothing” mode, particularly if eating well and moving frequently are new concepts to you. perhaps try adding them into your life one by one. you want to eat better? try adding more vegetables to your plate for one week and focus primarily on that goal. see what happens. do not judge the results. the following week, address your second goal: move more. make it a priority to move say, at least three times during the week. move when the moment strikes you. move in the manner you enjoy. again, see what happens. see how you feel, how your body feels. and again, try not to judge what happens.

i all but dropped healthy eating and moving a few months ago. if i couldn’t manage to eat well everysinglesecond of everysingleday, clearly i sucked at eating well and didn’t need to bother trying. if i couldn’t manage to move more than three days a week, i blew it off altogether. when i decided to rebuild my life though, i eased into healthy eating and moving. i added more veggies to more meals. i took walks and did yoga and rode my bike because i liked to, not because i felt i “should”. i’m finding the more i ease into healthy, positive habits, the more natural it becomes. i crave regular movement and vegetables again, not because i feel i “need” these things, but because i want there things. they help me settle into my most happy and balanced self. when i feel panic-ey about my progress,i am quick to remind myself that i am in a process. and processes take time, patience, and unending compassion for yourself and your situation.

whatever journey you are on, just remember to be gentle. move with ease. remember to breathe. remember to laugh. and remember that, above all, that perfection does not exist. you’re always good enough, even when you feel you’re not.

do you ever tangle yourself up in the black and white web? what happens? have you given up something you enjoy because you felt you weren’t “good enough”?

namaste

zoe

music monday

i skipped self-love sunday not because i lacked self-love…

…but because i was having too much fun last night. one of my really close friends came up from san francisco and we basically giggled away the midnight hours until she passed out (one beer too many perhaps ?). theeen my roommate came home, at which point we talked until oh, almost three in the morning.

last week definitely did see some self-love. change is coming. i see it, feel it, and am starting to believe it. the pieces of this fucked up puzzle are starting to find their home in the grander picture. i am beyond thrilled. i am beyond exhausted, too. it’s been a really, really rough two years. i am so ready to tie up this box and never look inside again.

today’s agenda looks promising too. my friend is still here. we’re about to venture out for a late (uh, super late) breakfast. next up, evening yoga and post-yoga climbing with another close friend and hopefully both my roomies.

did i tell you i joined my college’s gym? they offer memberships to alumni. i am excited and nervous, as i am just starting to carefully balance the exercise issues. i am confident it won’t spiral out of control like last time though.

and as for the title of today’s post…i’m going to start sharing with you a song on mondays. music is really important to me and i can only assume it is important to you. i can also only assume that, like me, you all love hearing new music and being turned onto new bands. so. today i will leave you with yet another avett brother’s tune. i seriously wake up every day with them swimming around my brain. i lovelovelove them.

today’s avett brother’s song? will you return.

i hope you enjoy it

enjoy your day as well! i’m about to head off. it’s ridiculous indian summer weather over here. we’re inching into the 90′s as-we-speak. so much for fall!

best part of your weekend?

namaste

zoe

(something else really cool? this week’s free yogatoday(.com) hour long session is a awesome looking hip opener that serves to “burn away that which no longer serves you….doubts, fears, undigested emotions.” every thing is pointing to releasing!)

coming back

confession: i have been ignoring my yoga mat.

it leans against the t.v stand, all rolled up and untouched. it looks kind of forgotten. poor guy…

for some reason, every time i consider unrolling my mat some excuse floats up out of no where and convinces me to keep myself off of it. i think i am afraid, kind of. a lot might come up emotionally and, as of late, i have not trusted myself with feeling my deepest emotions. i think also, i’m feeling anxious and judgmental and frustrated. weight gain and my complete aversion to a regular practice for the past few months has yoga feeling like more of a labored love. i breathe a little harder, i fall out of poses, i take breaks. i think, in the back of my mind, my ego feels a little bruised. a little prideful. because in the middle of a pose, in the middle of a breath, i am distracted by the thought of “god. i used to be able to go deeper” or “wow, i’m totally winded” or “fuck. this is depressing. i have no core strength anymore”

i think i am forgetting, though, just how opposite of yoga these thoughts are. in yoga, you meet yourself where you’re at (thanks, lizzie, for reminding me!). so sure, i lost a little bit of strength. i no longer inhabit the body which knew strength, grace, and ease. but i am only here, as i am right. it may not be the same place but it is nothing to judge or wish away. i am starting the process over. what an interesting new journey i am on now. one headed toward health and the healing of the heart, mind, body, and soul. one toward wholeness.

today i woke up early, too excited by thoughts of the burning man ‘to-do’ list, to sleep. the idea to maybe breathe a little and maybe stretch a little stumbled into my head. before i chose to listen to another excuse, i leapt up and locked myself away in my room. twenty-five minutes later, i felt more open, grounded, and soothed than i have in a long, long time. i think i forgot there for a second that, when i go outside of myself, yoga brings me right back. it calms me down, regrounds my soul when it panics, assures me of my strengths and capabilities. i think i am being stubborn and closed off instead of curious and humbled and open about where i currently am in my practice.

my therapist most definitely called me out the other day, telling me i could not ignore the eating disorder simply because i did not want to believe it or deal with it. recovery takes effort mixed with a splash or two of dedication. rebuilding from the ground up requires diligence on top of a strong foundation of patience. right now, i am behaving a bit like a child who plugs her ears to block out the negative noise. instead of listening, unattached, to thoughts and emotions, i am trying to ignore them. i am resisting acknowledging the issues. i am resisting recovery. why, because it’s hard?

i think, really, what i realized today on my mat is i am capable of beating this. i am strong. for the past few weeks i have felt defeated and deflated. a sort of apathy took root and i felt myself glaze over. last night a friend also called me out. he urged me to try and try again, to employ all my effort toward health and happiness. he’s right. my therapist is right. i need to stop fighting and start accepting. accepting that i do have an issue, that it does need to be dealt with. accepting that this is my body right now, and that’s okay.

i took today’s yoga session as a sign.

i am pledging to try my very hardest to jump onto my mat in uncomfortable moments, even if only for five minutes or to simply slip into child’s pose. i am pledging to not berate myself if i follow an urge to its end. i am pledging to actually work on this, to listen and feel with out falling over.

i am coming back to yoga. finally. i feel myself coming back to myself. finally.

namaste

zoe

ruminating on rumi

you might be asking: who is rumi?

a Sufi poet and mystic born in 1207. long gone, though his teachings remain. definitely some powerful stuff. good old professor wikipedia can explain him in a bit more detail. really though, he’s a poet i’ve attempted to read over the past few months but never committed to it. only in idea, but never in action. now? i can’t stop. i’m addicted. i picked up a book at a little, local bookstore the other week and can’t put it down.

it all started a few weeks ago, at the end of a yoga class. as i lay there, still, quiet, and unraveling, the teacher read aloud a poem. i breathed softly, simply listening. though only words, their intense poignancy reached me through my stillness. and i cried. in a room full of strangers with their eyes closed, tears slipped out and down my cheeks. the words continue to bring out surprise tears. it spoke to every emotion, thought, action, and idea i’ve experienced in the past few months. so i want to share with you the thing that touched me so deeply.

the guest house

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

–rumi

i invite you to ruminate. read it a few times. think. react. and tell me…

what did these words do for you, if anything?

i’m off of work today and it’s sunny. i’ve got a nice run/walk via c25k under my belt, grocery shopping to do, and some rock climbing to look forward to later. my thoughts? it’s going to be a good day. enjoy yours just the same!

namaste

zoe

june? & may recap

happy june first! wait, it’s june? that makes me go like this…

where did the month of may go? where did the first five months of the year go? there’s go to be something to einstein’s theory of relativity or whatever it is called. can you tell how good at science i am? does it show?

anywho, it’s june first, the start of a new month. i am currently sipping coffee on my couch. it’s 1:17 in the afternoon. you know, the right time to drink coffee. i started the morning off on the right foot with an hour long yogatoday(.com) video i purchased a while back. yesterday i biked my little heart out and followed it up with a short trail run so a nice, looooong stretch was necessary.

although the days of the year continue to whiz by without my knowing, causing me to feel a bit sad, i still find myself proclaiming ‘thank the fucking universe may is over’. through out the month i struggled to maintain a steady happiness. binge eating got in the way of happiness. negative thoughts got in the way. lack of movement got in the way. lack of a healthy diet got in the way. basically, the life got sucked out of my life last month despite my declaring may the month of good health and wellbeing. um, shot that one to shit, didn’t it? instead of wallowing in all the failure i racked up these past thirty one days (i’m pretty sure i do that already) i’m going to pull from may the few positive lessons i learned and dedicate the month of june to resettling.

you all might be wondering what i learned. well, i learned i…

…love running. without music. what? who am i? if you know me, you know i constantly go back and forth with running. however, i tried running without music spontaneously a few weeks ago and found myself thoroughly absorbed in the moment. i’ve long suspected my ipod merely serves as a distraction device but my music-less runs only solidified said suspicions. are we not supposed to enjoy exercise? why do we need distractions from something if we enjoy it? i found that, sans music, i ran at a natural pace, soaked up my (beautiful) surroundings, and forgot about time and distance. i used songs to measure how far i’d run (roughly three per mile). without the music, i just concentrated on the sound of my breath, the beat of my soles against the pavement, and the energy in my body.

…need to get back to my yoga practice. for reasons i cannot pin point, i’ve had a difficult time this past month stepping onto my mat. which is insane, considering how much my body, mind, heart and soul love yoga. nothing compares to stepping off the mat after a practice and carrying around the feelings you’ve created all day. maybe i’m scared of what emotions or thoughts will come up. but yoga brings me a sense of peace i never experience anywhere else except on my mat. i’m recommitting myself to my practice this month.

…have the power to tell my tantruming lower brain to shutthefuckup. the lower brain, the part of the brain responsible for animalistic behaviors and reactions, send out those urges. but i am not those urges. and i have the power to say ‘no’ whenever an urge to binge arises.

…have the power to put myself in a negative mind space just as much as a positive one.

…am not just a body. may proved that to me in so many ways. in the depths of my unhealthy weight loss journey, i attached myself to the notion that i was simply a body and stored all my worth in the size of my hips, in the roundness of my belly, and in the number on the scale. i got so caught up in maintaining my new ‘skinny girl’ label i forgot that what mattered most was the person inside that ‘skinny girl’. in may i threw out the scale. i knew i gained weight and no longer wanted to place my happiness on a stupid, meaingless number. slowly i detached myself from the ‘skinny girl’ name tag because, well, i’m not skinny anymore. because i am focusing less on what i look like, i’m finding talking to people much, much easier. i no longer care if i look thin enough because i know i’m not thin. i kind of assume people are not looking at my body. yes, there is some negativity in here (e.g: i still don’t like my body and am really uncomfortable in my own skin…which leads me to think people don’t find me attractive) but at least i’m not thinking about it every.single.fucking.second. of the day. baby steps.

…you all are amazing, beautiful, inspiring, uplifting individuals who make me feel less alone, loved, and supported when i am in the middle of a negative space. i want to thank you all again for being so kind and seeing through my negativity enough to offer me gentle words of encouragement. you’re wonderful. truly.

and that’s that, really. this month i plan on focusing on healthy meals, healthy movement, and a healthy attitude. right now i am three days binge free. taking it one moment at a time. in this moment i am done with my coffee and am heading out on a walk to the grocery store. i need me some fresh greens! have a happy wednesday.

what are you goals for june, if you have any?

namaste

zoe