what the hell am i doing?

i quit my job almost one month ago.

(source)
i am not in school. i am unemployed by choice. my days consist of questions like “what do i want to do now?” and walks and bike rides and pausing to snap unnecessary amounts of photographs. my weeks go by filled with writing, yoga, and trips to san francisco. i spend a lot of time debating what to play around with in the kitchen and too much time contemplating this and that and this and that.

life sounds good — no, life is good — but i know the reality i move in currently is not really reality. i am indulging in a moment of freedom i doubt i will see for the remainder of my life. no responsibilities outside of caring for myself and cooking the occasional dinner for my family preoccupy me. i am living in appreciation for this time.

but…

(because there is always a but) as i explained to a friend the other day, i feel irresponsible (he told me i shouldn’t). i no longer have pay checks rolling in. i am entirely dependent on the hard work of my parents (again). additionally, more importantly (i think), i feel directionless. utterly so. my mom keeps pushing the idea of employment on me. i feel pressured to pick something blindly just to make her happy and keep my parents believing i know what i am doing and that, somewhere up there in that brain of mine, i have a plan.

confession: i don’t.

i have no idea what i am doing (nor do i think many people do). though friends assure me it’s okay to not have a plan right now, that it’s okay to simply float until i stumble onto something, i cannot help feeling unsettled and like i need to move forward (something about the fear of stagnation, i suppose).

i mentioned in my last post i am introspective by nature. well, i am also restless by nature. impossibly so. i job hop consistently, always at the six month mark. if i feel no connection to a job, no fulfillment of the heart and soul, i get itchy to leave. all the jobs i take and all the jobs i eventually leave are in retail. i know enough now to know retail is not where i belong. i can’t go back to it, even if only to have a job and an income. it makes me anxious, moody, critical and unmotivated. however, this knowledge leaves me here, all mixed up in ideas of the future and unable to move for the web of choice i’ve bound myself in has me stuck. really stuck.

luckily, my one bright light here is knowing the things i do love and knowing the things i am good at and want to share with other people. things like…

writing.
helping people.
holistic health.
yoga.
editing/proof reading (nerdy english fun).
cooking.
traveling.
creating.

so many things. yet, when i look at this list, i feel more confused. how am i supposed to find something worthwhile with so many ideas and choices?

i guess i am writing this today to ask for help, for a little guidance (god knows i struggle to come to concrete decisions anyway). i am twenty-two and without purpose. or, more accurately, without directed purpose. i feel like i know what my purpose is (to help people) but i don’t know how in the hell to achieve it. my mom wants me to see a career counselor but i don’t know how i feel about that. so any and all advice is welcomed, as, clearly, i am not very good at initiating things.

how do you find direction and purpose? how do you focus your energy?

namaste

zoe

a holiday gift to myself

sometimes, you just gotta give yourself a personal gift.

i couldn’t help myself.

zoe, with gratitude.

namaste

zoe

finding your passion

i graduated college a year ago this december.

last december i turned in my final final paper, laughed maniacally whilst stifling screams and tears. finally, freedom. funny thing though, this new-found freedom. it was freedom yes, but not in the story-book sense i understood.

school no longer bound me to schedules and stress. late nights and tests and registration no longer occupied my mind. no one told me what to do. no one assigned me work with assumed expectations. the semester following my final semester, i lost myself. the wide-open time (oh, so much time) scared me. no one expected anything from me anymore. with no papers or exams or school to look forward to, i sunk into a depression. my whole life i listened to other people. i followed a close routine: school, winter break, school, summer break repeatrepeatrepeat till age twenty-one. with that foundation suddenly dissolved from under me, i collapsed onto something rocky and unformed.

as i stood there, newly graduated and newly born into the “real world”, i felt alone. so alone. i choose to stay in my college town, choose to stay surrounded by friends i no longer related to and who no longer related to me. school occupied their days. free time and work occupied mine. their stresses and struggles were not my own. communicating the deep sadness and confusion welling inside of me was difficult, nearly impossible even. not only were the friends i loved (and still love) unable to empathize with me, but their school oriented focus kept them from trying.

family and friends asked me continuously what my next move was. i never knew how to answer because “i don’t know” brought uncomfortable “ohs” and nods accompanied with arched eyebrows and mouths downturned in withheld judgement. i always threw out ideas of what i might consider pursuing but never anything i really felt attached to.

no one tells you this: after college, you’ll have no idea what the fuck to do. you’ll have ideas and urges and wants. maybe some of you know how to escape the awkward transition period between college and therestofyourlife. you’re lucky, you select few. but the majority of us new college graduates have no idea what direction to turn. i wish someone told me this was okay and normal. because, really, how do you know what you’re going to want to do at twenty-one?

i am only (newly) twenty-two now. but in the year since i graduated, i have experienced so much and learned lessons beyond explanation. i took the time to figure out myself and my true desires before i arrived at what feels like a solid trailhead to the rest of my life. i took the time to find my own path, not the path others wanted to push me on to.

figuring out what you want to do is not easy. it will most likely not involve the degree you worked so hard to earn. but figuring out what you want to do can happen. listen to your heart, your intuition. discover what excites you. uncover what ignites your passion and follow it to the source. i am a firm believer in doing what you believe in and doing what you love. sometimes, it takes a long time to figure out just what, exactly, your ‘thing‘ is. sometimes it takes a lot of trial and error. but never be afraid to start over. a life without passion is just that — passionless. so find yours. live fully. live passionate. live the life you want to live, not the life you think you should live.

There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.
Nelson Mandela

namaste

zoe

(p.s: this is a hint. decisions and plans are being made. things are happening but not quite yet. not to the point where there is news to be shared. only hints.)

ride that (emotional) wave

it’s seven thirty nine on a wednesday evening.

(source)
i woke up to the alarm around 8:30, bleary eyed and bleary headed. heavy blinking ensured. heavy moods followed. i woke up weighted. not down so deep that looking at people hurt. not so down that reminders to breathe sounded. but down enough to physically drag some.

i am half-way sick (i lost count of how many times i sneezed today), uninspired (nothing i am writing is coming out logically), unmotivated (why am i avoiding my yoga mat?), and just bleak.

no one wants to listen to a whiner, i know. i’m working my way to a point though. scout’s honor.

eight hours of the day found themselves devoted to ringing up customers. (the monotony of retail kills my soul. stories for another day). eight hours also found themselves steeped in a slew of different emotions.

today i felt:
depressed
anxious
unappreciated
happy
witty
charming
restless
envious
jealous
(and — i know they’re not feelings but:…ugly, fat, and pretty).

emotional musical chairs is just the shit.

(sarcasm ^)

right now, i am alone. the nails on my right hand are shorter now and the cuticles a bit more tender. about half an hour ago, before i started writing, i felt the stirrings of a binge in pit of my stomach (it always starts there). it inched up my chest, settled in the hollow of my throat (it always ends there). it propelled me into the kitchen and i stood there a second, something akin to a little girl sneaking midnight cookies from the kitchen: do it or don’t do it? (i’m happy to say “don’t do it” happened).

lemme say: i am so very thankful for words. every day. i am not very talented or passionate about many things to stick with them past their initial beginnings. writing may be the only constant thing i do. it helped me reach the improved mood i am in right now (it usually does). today, the more i settled into a writing flow, the more the thoughts brought by my very favorite house guest, anxiety, slowed. i asked myself “where am i tense?”. i relaxed and breathed into the tight spots. guess what? binge avoided. a roommate just walked in. the picking stopped. i’m breathing softly.

i’m starting to see that, maybe, that’s all it takes: a moment to feel what you’re feeling, breathe into and thorough it, only to end up on the other side in one piece. each time you breathe into the sadness, the frustration, and the pain, you breathe in space for new energy, light, and love. all it takes is a moment.

i think i can do that.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i really, reeaaaaaally urge you to check out the blockhead radio station on pandora. it’s. super. dope!)

silly saturday

so. i’ve got nothin’.

i’m not feeling particularly inspired at the moment. not a bad thing but i don’t like forcing blogging if i have nothing incredibly important to say. it is the weekend however. and it is saturday. so i am giving myself permission to be a bit silly…and i may or may not really love alliteration a little too much. but that is neither here nor there…!

i’m bringing this out again!

currently i am on question 8: a moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.

truth: i experience these moments all the time. not necessarily at obvious times. sometimes when i’m alone cooking in the kitchen. sometimes alone on a reflective walk. sometimes surrounded by family. and sometimes surrounded by friends. gratitude and satisfaction have the ability to strike at any time. especially if you allow such feelings into your life.

to answer the question specifically, i will say i experienced a moment of satisfaction a few nights ago. on wednesday a new co-worker of mine (who i love!) turned 21. a group of us met up at a local brewery. i baked a cake (because baking cake means i love you). as we all sat around the table, sharing stories, pizza, and beer and got progressively more intoxicated, i kind of felt suddenly struck with an indescribable sense of being.

you all know how difficult the entirety of 2011 has been for me. if you don’t, know i’ve struggled almost all the days with something or other. but right then, at that moment, all the struggling proved to me just how much i needed to go through it. i am right where i need to be.

if i didn’t date my ex, i never would have decided to move jobs. i never would have been hired on at REI and met all these amazing, quirky, friendly, accepting people who make me feel right at home. i never would have met new friends and new romantic interests. i never would have started to see and believe that people like me because of me, not because of my outsides. i never would have climbed so much, stand up paddle boarded, ate homemade pizza, drank beer and shared laughter. the bingeing episodes and the subsequent resolving of them would never have started. thankful for bingeing? yes. otherwise, this journey into self-love would have been stalled that much longer.

though i currently struggle, i can tell you i have not felt more satisfied or more happy in quite some time. i feel at home. finally.

hm. suddenly i’m not feeling so silly. grateful, yes. overwhelmingly humbled, yes. and a little bit silly. always.

tell me a moment in which you’ve fully felt satisfied!

have a silly, spectacular, splendiferous saturday! (no, i don’t like alliteration. clearly.)

namaste

zoe

silly song of saturday: true affection (the blow)

self-love sunday

another sunday, another recap.

sometimes the week flies by and i find myself sitting in front of the computer on a sunday wondering how i got here. this week flew by friends! i worked my little behind off this week. i’m getting more shifts with longer hours. and, after picking up my paycheck yesterday, i can’t complain! plus i’m kind of in love with my job and all the people i work with and all the customers i talk to so going to work is far from daunting. gotta love it.

outside of work though, this week was interesting. i know, how vague. yes, i struggled a few days but i don’t want to high light that. what i want to high light is more important: i finally opened up to someone about what is going on in my life. outside of my therapist no one, not even my parents, knows the depths of my struggles (including you my loves, i’m sorry to say). the words ‘i have an eating disorder’ have never left my mouth. they’ve left the tip of my pen, have circulated in my mind, found themselves on the screen, but never, ever have the words rolled off my tongue. it felt weird and i got all hot and anxious and panicky. but somehow, after saying them, i felt this odd rush of release and calm.

the person i told just listened, offered an open ear and a sweet hug when i finished. it all tumbled out quickly. and it kind of felt like ripping off a band-aid. maybe now real healing can take place. regardless, i am thankful for said listener and i am proud of myself for the courage i mustered up (somehow). i’ve wanted to tell someone so badly but i’ve been embarrassed, scared, and apprehensive. saying it makes it that much more true, you know?

but that was yesterday and today is today. i am currently dressed in a bikini (gulp) and heading out to the river for a day of canoeing, paddle boarding, and kayaking…with four boys (gulp). i may not be one hundred percent comfortable in my outfit and my shirt and shorts may not come off but damn if i ever let my body stop me from experiencing life again. i did that for far too long. what a waste.

anywho, i hope you all have a sunny, spectacular sunday! try and get outside to and soak up the summer, will ya ?

what did you learn this week? what did you overcome this week? hell, what was your favorite part of the week!

namaste

zoe

a lovely reader of mine pointed out how much she loved the music centered post. and since this blog has the beatles in the name, i’m inclined to agree! i love music and it’s almost always on. recently i’ve picked up a ton of new music (friends are the best) so let me share with you one song i can’t seem to get enough of!

sprawl ii (mountains beyond mountains) — arcade fire

(p.s: to all the i’m an okie readers…WELCOME! i totally spaced and forgot to say that. thanks for all your sweet comments and thanks for reading!)

dilemma

i have a dilemma.

and i’ve been here before. and i think i know the answer already. and i’m fairly certain i don’t want to accept said answer.

i have a crush on a co-worker…who has a crush on me.

(okay, how many people were expecting that as my dilema? hah. trying to clue you in on other aspects of my life because, you know, food and weight aren’t the only things going on around here.)

um, do we all remember what happened last time i dated a co-worker? if you don’t, i’ll sum it up like this: worst.idea.ever. basically the whole thing imploded and sparked this months long downward spiral i’m just crawling out of. so, obviously, the clear answer here is don’t date him.

don’t date him makes sense, sure. but something gives me pause. something makes me reconsider. something feels different. i compare the past co-worker situation to the present one and see big old differences. however, regardless of the dumb lists i draw up in my head and regardless of how i feel towards this person, i still come back to the fact that he’s a co-worker. i’ve been there before and i’m not sure i want to be there again. hence the dilemma.

another funny thing? my horoscope today cautioned against being overly cautious. hah. a few friends tell me to just go for it, tell me you cannot help matters of the heart and taking risks is what life is all about. my mom tells me no, don’t do it. it’s confusing and i’m confused.

basically i’m scribbling all of this to ask you this: help a sista out?

in other news…

life is grand. no sarcasm in there. it just is. i’m skipping out on the psychiatrist evaluation (not comfortable with that idea yet) and instead just focusing on positivity, which, for life-long negative people like me, can be a challenge. the grooves in my brain are just so wired to react with a negative thought or action. that does not, however, mean it is impossible to fall into a life of positive thinking. it just takes some practice. a lot of practice. and lots of kindness towards yourself when you slip up with your practice. kinda like yoga, yeah ?

additionally, i also started taking niacin (vitamin b3) once a day and find my happiness levels to be pretty solid since. thais also suggested st. john’s wort which i think i’ll look into as well. anyone else know of any natural remedies for depression? i’d love to know!

but now friends, i am off! to enjoy the sunshine, a bike ride, an iced latte, a therapy appointment (by the way i absolutely love her), climbing, and time with friends. and yoga. because i can’t go a day without it anymore

care to share with me your positive mantras? or your way of turning a negative into a positive?

namaste

zoe

new beginnings

i got a new job.

*happy dance*

yes friends: i got a new job! i’m not sure if i mentioned the group interview i went to two weeks ago or the fact that i applied at all. but i did and on friday i got the call offering me a position. no more 3:30 am wake up calls. no more working till midnight on saturdays. no more green apron. no more rude, impatient drive-through customers. no more smelling like milk and coffee even after showering. no more starbucks!

yes, i will miss my co-workers. i love them dearly. i will miss the sweet customers, of which there are plenty. i will miss tips. i will miss a lot about my current job but none of it holds candle to the job i just accepted.

oh, right. i haven’t told you what it is yet.

well, for starters, it’s a company i believe in. it’s been around since 1938. it’s a co-op, meaning it’s owned by its members who get to vote in the board of directors and have a say in company policies. it works to preserve the environment and promote education regarding said preservation. since the installment of forbes magazine’s top 100 companies to work for in the united states, this company has made the list every year. it provides all its workers with health care, not just full time workers. we wear green vests.

any guesses? no? does this help?

i got a job at REI!!! to say i am excited might be the biggest understatement of the year. this job feels so right to me. my soul belongs in the outdoors, in nature and in activity and this company promotes those things. it’s a job and a company i feel i can put my faith into 100%. my first day of training is april 29th.

if all goes well and i end up loving the job like i think i am going to, my future plans include additional change outside of changing jobs. you all know i want to teach yoga. you all know i love rock climbing. you all know i love mountains and trees and nature. and you all know how badly i want to jump out of my comfort zone and settle into somewhere new. do you know where this is going?

if all works out, i am going to transfer REI stores. and transfer states. colorado, specifically. i feel pulled toward colorado, especially as of late. i’ve only been once, when i was nine, and still talk about it. my plan? enroll in a yoga school, get my 200 license, and keep on with REI. who knows where this company can take me? the potential of my future overwhelms me with excitement. i have so many opportunities to pursue and now that i am formulating solid ideas, i feel more secure about my future. i am trusting in the universe and believing i am on the right path.

i am trusting the universe, yes, but one aspect of my new job has thrown me for a loop. it has nothing to do with the company. nothing at all. but, rather, with another new hire…

today i gave my current boss my two week notice. here’s how the conversation went. and here’s how i found out about my one little snafu.

me: “i have some unfortunate news, s (my boss). i’ve been offered a job with a more competitive pay and better hours. i’m sorry but i have to take it.”
s: “are you serious?”
me: “yeah, i’m sorry.”
s: “jeez it seems to be the chant of the day today.”
me: “oh really? i’m sorry!”
s: “it’s okay. it’s your life. so where did you get hired?”
me: “REI!”
s: “oh, so you and k.” (my ex. who i currently work with.)
me: “….” *face flushing, thoughts rushing* “really?”

i’m not sure what the universe is throwing this at me for, but i’m sure i’ll find out. regardless, both k and i are new employees at REI. we’re working together. again. what are the chances? we’re trying to distance ourselves from each other, clearly, and ended up right back at square one. it’s kind of laughable in all its ridiculousness.

the news isn’t the best news but i’m taking it in stride. this is my life and i’m not going to let one person dictate how i live it. i’m still excited.

so…here’s to new beginnings!

namaste

zoe

“the doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”
–flora whittemore

mama always said…

after a week of persistent rain showers and gloomy, overcast skies i woke up this morning to sunshine flooding my bedroom. something about being greeted by lightness and warmth always makes me a little happy.

i worked a nice, breezy four hours earlier…save for the fact i worked with k the entire time. talk about good mood buzz kill. although i know none of what happened was my fault, he still manages to stir up in me a mixture of emotions: anger, sadness, happiness, unease. today i mainly felt sad. we don’t talk. we don’t hang out. it might be immature but i try to avoid speaking directly to him at work unless i need to. sometimes in matters of the heart and healing a little bit of selfishness is required.

regardless, being around him really put me in a funk. i miss him and i miss his friendship though i know i shouldn’t. i spent a good chunk of those four hours attempting to resurrect my early morning happiness. it worked a little, though not as much as i hoped.

as i drove home and returned a missed call from my mom, those feelings of desperation sunk in again. she called to see how i was doing, as she knows i am struggling a little bit right now. and she left me with some words i keep mulling over in my head.

from our conversation, these words stuck with me the most: “zo, sometimes you need to just take a deep breath and say, ‘all right, enough of this shit’ and move on.”

and, you know, she’s right. i say i am trying to overcome my sadness, my emptiness, my self-hated, but am i really? does purposefully locking myself inside my house, alone, help? does wallowing in my deep pool of negative thoughts help? does intentionally avoiding social situations help? does calling myself names and telling myself i’m not worth it help? no, not really.

sometimes life hands you situations which require you to act in a way you feel opposed to. right now throwing one-woman pity parties feels like all i want to do. however, acting in such a way isn’t propelling me closer to my goal of self-love. it only draws me further away from happiness. right now, i need to take a deep breath and say, ‘all right, enough of this shit.’ right now i need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start trying. no one is going to come along and drag me by the hand to happiness and self-love.

as my first act of kicking all this negativity to the side, i am going to go on a walk. the weather could not be more picturesque and i want to soak up all that vitamin D i’ve been missing. then it’s home, a nice home-cooked dinner, and a little hang out session with a close friend. this is my life. i might as well start living it instead of waiting for it to happen.

what do you do when you need to curb your negativity?

namaste

zoe

what makes you smile?

interesting day, loves.

but don’t fear! this post is not negative! it just looks that way

i will admit though: this morning started out kind of wonky.

after my 8.5 half shift yesterday (death) i drove home and promptly snuggled up under my covers at 7 pm. it was still light out. what started out with good intentions ended up with me tossing around with too many thoughts and falling asleep around nine. despite the weird sleep, i felt pretty refreshed today despite waking before the sun this morning. ah, the life of a starbucks barista! only, instead of waking up to the alarm i set for 3:25 am, i woke up at 1:36 am (precisely) and flopped around in bed till about ten after three.

work itself? not pleasant. a co-worker of mine has taken it upon herself to be a bit of an ice queen to me for no reason. i basically ignore it but it still makes for a tense environment i don’t like spending much time in. luckily i was off by 8:45 and on my way towards the rest of the day! which definitely turned around in mood. definitely.

the day included a bitchin’ 4.5 mile (ish? i accidently stopped the treadmill and lost track! i think it was closer to five miles) run complete with twenty some odd minutes of killer intervals. loved every sweaty second. no lie. after a nice cool down and some yoga/strength training moves, i chilled out on the couch for about an hourish.

the best part of the day, and the point of this post, (i swear, there is one) was lunch. i took myself on a solo date to cafe gratitude and sat at the bar with my journal and my happy self. writing and good food and good vibes? three things i love and three things to create a happy zoe.

each day cafe gratitude presents a question to their diners. todays caught my attention:

what makes you smile?

being in the contemplative mood that i am in today (okay, who am i kidding, most days) i mulled over the question for a while. what makes me smile?

today, right now, i have a lot to smile about:

1) i kicked ass and took names on my run earlier. i felt strong and loved, loved, loved how accomplished and content i felt after my work out. i’m smiling because i’ve found a happy balance with exercise this past week. i’m moving how i want to move. i’m listening to my body and its’ requests. i’m feeling good.

2) i got to eat at cafe gratitude! good food, happy tummy. but really, i’m smiling because this past week my food choices have been ones which make my body happy. i’ve avoided binges and have taken care to really chew and savor my food. it makes a world of difference in feeling both sated and satisfied in body and mind.

3) my friends and my family. they’re always there and i’m smiling because i’m really starting to see and believe this. i’m starting to see i’m never alone.

4) and i’m smiling because awesomely awesome lori (fo’ reals folks! lady’s pretty badass!) of what runs lori, gifted me the ‘one lovely blog award’. thanks lori! you’re so sweet !

apparantly, this award means you…
link and thank the blogger who awarded you
copy-and-paste (or download and upload) the award into your own blog post–a teacup of roses!
share seven things about yourself
nominate up to fifteen other great bloggers
comment on their blogs to let them know to come pick up their prize

all right well…here are my seven things!
1) i consistently have a song stuck in my head. i love to sing (in the shower, in the car, at work, um…anywhere) and i love to dance and usually do, no matter where i am!
2) i basically am constantly writing something or other in my head. if i see something pretty i try to shape it into words.
3) ‘zoe’ means life in greek! i think it’s very fitting
4) i’m greek!
5) when i was little i had a big ol’ red birthmark right in between my eyebrows. strangely enough, no one ever teased me and it faded all on its own by middle school.
6) in addition to the ‘let it be’ tattoo on my wrist, i have a little outline of a heart on top of my right foot.
7) my middle name starts with an ‘a’ but no one ever guesses it because it’s so random !

now i’m going to tag a few people!
kelsey!
kara!
emilie!
mara!
kate!

whew! what a post! i’m off to eat a bit of something, do a bit of stetchy yoga, shower it up and then go to sleep. before the sun. again. because i open tomorrow. again. sarcasm? never

what makes YOU smile ?

namaste

zoe

“you suppose you are the trouble, but you are the cure. you suppose that you are the lock on the door, but you are the key that opens it. it’s too bad that you want to be someone else, you don’t see your own face, your own beauty, yet, no face is more beautiful than yours.” –rumi