things

i feel empty right now.

(i took a picture of this empty house the other day. the door knocked creeped me out.)

but then, empty isn’t quite the right word for it.

but then it is again.

my brain is confused.

i don’t feel like blogging but i do feel like writing. rambling, really.

i read this earlier.

then laughed because i related on like, all levels. green backpack included.

after that i read this earlier.

wonderful.

so it inspired me to do this.

i’ve been stumbling onto really, really amazing and inspiring and invigorating blogs filled with beautiful writers and even more beautiful words. one wrote a book i bought and she asked her readers to fill a blank page with everything they loved. and, since i feel weird and uncomfortable and tavi mentioned reminding yourself off all the wonderful things in your life when you’re down, this makes sense.

things i love. written in no particular order. the other day. in my notebook. (plus a few added on because why not?)

WORDS. writing. music. nature. trees. hiking. mother earth. yoga. walking. breathing deep. making tea. cooking. reading. connecting. sharing. talking. listening. helping. hugging. kissing. photography. men. women. sam. my parents. my brother. laughing. breakfast. singing. dancing. acid. weed. water. my water bottle. poetry. sunlight. redwoods. nate. victoria. road trips. drug trips. bass lines. my journal. journaling. exploring. moving. chocolate. kale. cake. my hair. my eyes. my eyebrows. my smile. the beatles. animal collective. waking up early. staying up late. tarot readings. traveling. flying. san francisco. the beauty of marin county. orgasms. good food. good company. meeting new people. the night sky. summer. summer nights. mountains beyond mountains. swimming. earring. beautiful lyrics. rings. sunsets. sunrises. spoken word. chuck. old trucks. baking. orange. purple. scarves. indian food. thai food. skirts. brussel sprouts. my sunglasses. gender discussions. this american life. (and subsequently) ira glass.

aaaand i’m done.

what do you love?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: also, i love beauty and the beast. my dad put it on and i’m watching it with him. it’s kind of got a great lesson and as much as i hate on disney, i still like their movies. and belle was always the princess i identified with the most. she loved books. i loved her.)

(p.p.s: adding this p.p.s the day after. this totally worked in helping me feel awesome and reinvigorated, by the way! fell asleep happy.)

lighted up fridays

after a few heavy posts, i offer you something differ.

(journaling in parks makes me happy, too)

something light. like the little joys.

HAPPINESS:

1) reading poetry on street corners in san francisco to strangers. screaming it to the full moon night sky. realizing strangers are listening, affirming, applauding. genuinely.

2) words. i am painting the world in letters. after nearly two years absent, my creativity is back. powerfully so.

3) singing. i am no etta james (sigh) and no adele (double sigh) but the vocal chords i do have are not bad. friends and family tell me all the time i sing well. and, well, i am starting to believe. i’m starting to understand the concept of personal range and tone. plus, singing helps with throat chakra opening

4) skirts. i am officially over pants. skirts offer a mobility pants do not. and a certain femininity i am unearthing, rejoicing in.

5) coconut oil in my coffee (insomnia calls for coffee sometimes, unfortunately). coconut oil, in general.

6) the weather. spring sprung early. sometime mid-february. it may speak to global warming but. i am enjoying the sun and its shine thoroughly.

what’s making you happy these days?

namaste

zoe

self-love sunday

the right words to start this ramble are not at my fingertips.

(me and daises yesterday in san francisco sunshine)

this week was weird, right?

filled with heavy energy. i slept in weird cycles, experienced insomnia for the better part of the week, woke up foggy every day. an underlying sadness tinted the week.

i spent hours unloading into my journal. honest thoughts. confused thoughts. too many thoughts.

and saw my truth:
i am only honest in words, in writing.

i have so much to say to so many people. so many thoughts and feelings and conversations i want to vocalize. not necessarily pleasant ones, either. but each time i gather the strength and steadiness to open my mouth, it stays closed. those inflated words deflate, fall back to their homes in my chest, and i implode silently.

i am as emotionally developed as my seventeen-year-old self.

i’m too busy being nice, good, easy, to speak my truth, to find my voice and use it. as i explained to a friend the other day: “i am going through the teenage rebellion i never had.“

(although, ironically, i was very quick to share my opinion when i was a teenager)

or, maybe, more accurately, i am going through the quarter life crisis no one talks about. either way, i am a big ball of feelings with no outlet other than my pen and paper. everything inside me is screaming for release. i can’t be afraid of how other people react anymore. it’s not a burden i need to carry. it’s not one i want to carry. this lack of sense of self has me floating int a weird, uncomfortable, shaky place. i’m running around trying to find my self in other people.

i gotta get over this. i’m not as fragile as i keep telling myself.

this week, i’m shooting for honesty.

off the page.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: remember when i mentioned phantogram the other music monday? well, give the phantogram pandora station a listen. hot damn.)

(p.p.s: i haven’t felt like blogging at all this week.)

clean house, clean heart

i woke up writing poetry i forget now.

(a tree without leaves the other day on a walk)

a song rooted down into my conscious after the words disappeared with the morning fog.

limbs ached to express, to twirl.

(of course i obliged.)

i want to say i am proud of myself but that doesn’t sound right.

blissfully astonished does.

yes.

because i keep waking up.

every day.

i keep recommitting.

keep
breathing
reaching
expanding
shedding.

after dancing, after breakfast at noon, i confronted my closet.

threw away piles of clothing holding
the old me,
suffocating the present me
by living in trash bags just out of reach.

now i have two pairs of pants. three if you count my tie dye ones.

which i do.

anyway…

i’ve got a mountain to explore! it’s sunshiney outside and i’ve got little tolerance for sitting inside when it’s so beautiful out there!

namaste

zoe

to be real

that last post felt and sounded nothing like me.

(source)

for real.

like, really, in retrospect…what?

doling out skin care advice doesn’t sound like me. it’s not what i want to write, what my heart asks me to bare.

i continuously move away from the true nature of this blog: a means for me to cope (and, i guess, technically, an open journal for the anonymous).

to be honest, this blog is more for me than for anyone else. call it self-ish, it’s okay. i don’t feel self-ish. the internet offers virtual communities. so. this is a way for me to connect and start dialogues until, eventually, i can start ones with the people in my life face to face. call it practice.

you may wonder why i chose to post so candidly. i’d hoped by now you’d have picked up on the openness of my nature. i like to talk, discuss and, occasionally just kidding like all the time, to the dismay of friends and family, over analyze. sorry. that’s in my DNA make-up, too. i have always been interested in the answers behind the questions, in investigating. i like the nitty gritty in life. the shadowy details. some people don’t.

i am here for those who do. i am here to share this journey alongside yours, to connect to other humans experiencing the experience of life and living. because you know, it’s not easy. this whole living business.

skin care just isn’t on the agenda, kids.

i can’t wish away the feelings i feel. no matter how i try to avoid them, ultimately they’ll round a street corner on some tuesday afternoon and link arms with me again. talking about them talks me through them, before, finally, talking me out of them.

i did not ask for the life i landed. something or someone somewhere put me in the ‘really, really ridiculously lucky pile‘ and threw in some baggage for good measure. no one can be ‘really, really, really ridiculously lucky’.

every person carries sadness. did i not say that earlier this month? well. it’s time i start believing it. it’s time i start allowing that sadness, that anger, that nitty gritty, to be felt instead of covering it up with a superficial, poorly concocted happiness/gratitude blend. i can’t guilt myself out of experiencing authentic emotion anymore.

i’m done apologizing for what bubbles up, for being ashamed every time i sigh.

starting.

now.

namaste

zoe

yesterday

yesterday i walked around san francisco.

all day.

in boots and orange tights.

with a very close friend.

alight with deep happiness and warm from february sunshine.

then, something funny happened. last night. something out-of-character but so in-character.

i took a deep breath.

stepped into the middle of a circle ringed by people and more people — strangers.

and, in front of all these faces i did not know, i read my poetry.

aloud.

can we talk about fears that are irrational?
can we talk about how calm my heart felt in my chest as i performed?
can we talk about evolving?
can we talk about liberation?

can we talk about how fucking great i feel?

namaste

zoe

help, i’m alive (self-love sunday version)

i’m alive!

silent since january third but bubbling over with words the whole time. i missed the freedom of unloading onto a screen at the days end. i missed talking into space and seeing who replied. i missed sharing and communicating. i missed blogging for a second, sure, but not enough to trade the last five days for much.

basically, i spent the past five days in san francisco under an umbrella of blue sky paired with temperatures hovering somewhere in the low 60′s. i spent it surrounded by positive, loving, compassionate, passionate people. i spent it chatting over sidewalk cafe breakfasts and in kitchens cooking homemade vegan meals. i spent it laughing, loving, relaxing.

i am overwhelmingly blessed. i am overwhelmingly thankful. i am expanding and releasing and reveling, building up and breaking down. life rarely makes sense but right now, i understand its lessons a little more deeply. i feel plugged in again. ready to embrace it all — the good, the bad, and all the little bits in between. i feel ready to leave the past behind and step, finally, into this new chapter i’ve been trying to write for two years.

i have so much to write. so much to babble about. i’ll save that for another time. for now, simply enjoy your weekend. appreciate your blessings and where you are right now. the state of your soul is always beautiful

namaste

zoe

today, yesterday, and the day before that

after spending every day last week in the city, i kicked off the new week the only way i knew how…

in the city of course!

at the beach in particular (and the park. and the concrete avenues of the sunset district).

with a guy in particular.

on a particularly gorgeous day for san francisco in january…

i woke up in a particularly good mood this morning.

see, the thing is this: a few days before new years i met someone new. well, actually, i re-met him. but the other day marked the first time we ever legitimately kicked it. can i just say i have never felt more of a connection to another person so quickly? is that weird? maybe don’t answer that.

regardless, the past couple of days have left me stupid-happy and little girl giddy. i know not to carry myself too far off into fantastical lands but a woman’s gotta dream a little dream, right? right. especially when this new guy is a (brilliant) spoken word poet, deeply soulful, honest, creative, and a male i feel comfortable enough with to call a man instead of a boy. tough thing to do at this age, or so i find. interactions feel fluid. i don’t feel the need to keep my guard up, around my personality or my body (though, nothing outside of the most excellent of cuddles has happened. i move sloooow.) my perspective is shifting as life shifts. something in the universe is supporting me and protecting me. i feel it. 2012 is bringing something special for the mind, body, soul, and heart.

now, if you’ll excuse me. i’ve got a room to clean and organize!

how has 2012 treated you so far?

namaste

zoe

about a bracelet

i have an aunt i only see on holidays.

one of my dad’s older sisters. she lives about forty-five minutes away but, for one reason or another, life only allows us to visit on major holidays like thanksgiving, christmas, and my yia-yia’s (grandmother in greek) birthday. in the past, conversation included only a few words, possibly just a hello, how are you, and the eventual goodbye. i never felt close to her as i did to other aunts. however, quite luckily, in the past few years our relationship worked its way out of its plateau. conversation flows quickly, wish shared smiles. we share so much more in common than i ever thought.

through the years, despite the status of our relationship, my aunt always boxed me up a little gift for the holidays. generally, i open up the small packages to discover a delicate, beautiful piece of vintage jewelry. she knows my tastes well, as hers mirror mine almost to a t.

i love funky, old pieces. rings, necklaces, earrings, and bracelets of the vintage variety always catch my eye. when my mom’s mom died, i got the chance to rifle through her life of jewelry. talk about special treasures! like my grandma, i am slowly accumulating a bright, unique collection of jewelry, a big chunk of it coming from my aunt. this christmas, my aunt did not disappoint.

she bought me a bracelet with a story.

and a name: the mother-in-law bracelet.

in india, the birthplace of my new bracelet, men are freely allowed to beat their wives. an exception to the rule exists, however, as exceptions usually do. if, on the day of marriage, the bride’s mother-in-law presents the bride with the mother-in-law bracelet, the mother-in-law wordlessly cloaks her new daughter-in-law in protection. with the mother-in-law bracelet, a wife can forever be shielded from the wrath of her husband. she will forever be protected.

my aunt doesn’t know of my struggles. we’re not close enough for me to open up about my issues. but she does know i love stories. she knows i love jewelry like this. she knows of my fascination with india. and she loves me enough to offer me the gift of protection.

and that, my loves, is a gift in and of itself.

namaste

zoe

looking back

the fun parts about moving come whilst sorting through all your old shit.

(source)
i unearthed some wonderful little gems last night. sorting through my old closet took a few hours last night. in it though, i found my childhood. i bagged up piles of stuffed animals, clothes i outgrew long ago, and random accessories with no business being in my closet. i laughed a lot. it’s always funny looking back on the person you used to be.

one of the best parts about sorting through all my old belongings is finding old writing. you see, i’ve been writing since i could hold a pencil. honestly. among some of my earlier creative writing, i found my journal from first grade. the one from second grade. the one from third grade to fifth grade. the two from middle school. the one from high school. and various ones from college. scattered between the pages i read through old memories. some made me laugh till my stomach hurt. others, well, others just kind of hurt. i relieved sweet moments along with dark moments. i’m pretty sure i cried a few times (i’m so lame sometimes). i am so thankful to have a literal timeline of my personal development. it’s insightful. it’s also wildly absorbing to see what has changed and what has refused to budge (i spent a good couple of hours just sitting and reading).

during my junior year of high school i spent two weeks in sacramento with nine other kids and a teacher helping the homeless (a program my high school called “immersion”. i went to a really amazing high school). during the two weeks the school provided us with journals to write in. most of them entries answered questions posed by our group leader. one response in particular grabbed my attention. the title? cannot live without. the answers?

bottled water
music
communication
sleep
chocolate
maybe coffee
my pillow
FOOD
soap/shampoo/conditioner
hair straightener

what a list! it’s so funny to see how i’ve changed just based off this dumb little list. i most certainly can live without bottled water! but i most certainly still cannot live without music. although i wrote communication, i was referring to things like telephones, text messaging, and facebook. obviously, the need for sleep hasn’t change. the need for chocolate and coffee has though. there is no real need! both make me acidic and crazy (though i indulge every one in a while. also: i kind of like how i answered with “maybe coffee” instead of just “coffee”). i definitely love my pillow but i’m pretty sure i could live without it. it’s funny because i wrote FOOD in all capitals. who knew what a mess FOOD and i would end up in? and, you know, i still totally love my shower products. but not my hair straightener! not at all! it’s funny what things lose importance over the years and vice versa.

i thought it might be fun to recreate a current list. the things i cannot live without right now.

water
sleep
yoga
nature
family (it’s funny how on my original list i only put down physical things!)
friends
communication (e.g: writing, talking)
dancing
singing
music
my ipod (sad but true)
my therapist
sweating (e.g: moving!)
laughter
photography
cooking
sunshine
love

i’ve come a long way since age sixteen. who hasn’t? and i know i have a long way to go. i’m just overly happy that i have something to look back on and laugh and say, “god, remember when all that silly stuff mattered so much?”

what would go on your list?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: totally off topic but. IS ANYONE ELSE OBSESSED WITH AMERICAN HORROR STORY!?!? i just watched the whole season thus far in two days. #ihavenolife. and oh boy. tate. so damn attractive even though he may or may not be the devil )