learning patience

i am impatient.

no doubt.

i rush. i force. i tackle one thing after another if only to keep the pace gogogo. slow and steady requires vigilance. i am not one to play the waiting game. who can blame me, really? the culture i live in breeds plans and to do lists and quick, time saving lifestyles. digital gadgets allow us to stay connected at all hours. the vast majority of americans roll through days saturated in information, buzzed on caffeine, and numbed to their environments.

however, the more i practice mindfulness, the more i ask myself one question: why am i rushing?

you see, i am considering the concept of patience today much more deeply because i hit a road block earlier in the afternoon. as i attempted to register at the local community college for the prerequisites i need to apply to naturopathy colleges, i realized i may or may not need to take prerequisites for my prerequisites. yup. in college i never took real science — no labs, no lecture halls. the liberal arts program i enrolled in covered all my GE’s. those “science” credits i received though? pretty sure they don’t count. suddenly school this semester is up in and air. which leaves me here, delayed.

whenever i stress out (which happens whenever i feel overwhelmed or unable to organize my life…aka: right now) a close friend of mine likes to tell me one thing: you are exactly where you need to be.

i tend to forget good things take time, effort, and unending patience. realistically, my path to medical school may take a good couple of years. i am not sure why i assumed the process would be easy, but the universe is definitely trying to teach me a lesson now. luckily, i am a willing student.

life happens. sometimes, dreams distance themselves because more important things ask for your attention instead. right now, i truly believe i am exactly where i need to be. the more i listen to my intuition, the more i realize how much i need to focus on nurturing myself. my health is one of my top most priorities currently, especially following the aftermath of 2011. in order to move forward, i need to continue to tend to my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health, not immerse myself in stressful environments (school will undoubtedly stress me out because i am horrific at math and science).

i babble about my health all the time, i know. yet, i very often forget about monitoring it whenever life turns breezy. although i am feeling happy and healthy now, i know the state i exist in is impermanent, the foundation fragile. to reach my dreams, i first need to be settled and grounded in my self. i need to remember i am young, that this is a process, and i need to trust it. better yet — i need to enjoy it.

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.”
Harriet Tubman

namaste

zoe

sometimes i forget.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: thank you for all your well wishes! you all are amazing amazing amazing!)

john lennon died yesterday

well, he died yesterday like, thirty one years ago.

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but.

people still care. kind of amazing, that type of legacy.

i’m feeling off today (and this week in general) so i’ll leave you with some inspiring quotes from the man because i’m not so inspired myself.

I’m not claiming divinity. I’ve never claimed purity of soul. I’ve never claimed to have the answers to life. I only put out songs and answer questions as honestly as I can… But I still believe in peace, love and understanding.

If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there’d be peace.

If someone thinks that love and peace is a cliche that must have been left behind in the Sixties, that’s his problem. Love and peace are eternal.

We’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it’s going to get on by itself. You’ve got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it.

When you’re drowning, you don’t say ‘I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,’ you just scream.

You’re just left with yourself all the time, whatever you do anyway. You’ve got to get down to your own God in your own temple. It’s all down to you, mate.

namaste

zoe

(also, i wrote a post yesterday on my other blog that, actually, fits in well here. read up?)

finding your passion

i graduated college a year ago this december.

last december i turned in my final final paper, laughed maniacally whilst stifling screams and tears. finally, freedom. funny thing though, this new-found freedom. it was freedom yes, but not in the story-book sense i understood.

school no longer bound me to schedules and stress. late nights and tests and registration no longer occupied my mind. no one told me what to do. no one assigned me work with assumed expectations. the semester following my final semester, i lost myself. the wide-open time (oh, so much time) scared me. no one expected anything from me anymore. with no papers or exams or school to look forward to, i sunk into a depression. my whole life i listened to other people. i followed a close routine: school, winter break, school, summer break repeatrepeatrepeat till age twenty-one. with that foundation suddenly dissolved from under me, i collapsed onto something rocky and unformed.

as i stood there, newly graduated and newly born into the “real world”, i felt alone. so alone. i choose to stay in my college town, choose to stay surrounded by friends i no longer related to and who no longer related to me. school occupied their days. free time and work occupied mine. their stresses and struggles were not my own. communicating the deep sadness and confusion welling inside of me was difficult, nearly impossible even. not only were the friends i loved (and still love) unable to empathize with me, but their school oriented focus kept them from trying.

family and friends asked me continuously what my next move was. i never knew how to answer because “i don’t know” brought uncomfortable “ohs” and nods accompanied with arched eyebrows and mouths downturned in withheld judgement. i always threw out ideas of what i might consider pursuing but never anything i really felt attached to.

no one tells you this: after college, you’ll have no idea what the fuck to do. you’ll have ideas and urges and wants. maybe some of you know how to escape the awkward transition period between college and therestofyourlife. you’re lucky, you select few. but the majority of us new college graduates have no idea what direction to turn. i wish someone told me this was okay and normal. because, really, how do you know what you’re going to want to do at twenty-one?

i am only (newly) twenty-two now. but in the year since i graduated, i have experienced so much and learned lessons beyond explanation. i took the time to figure out myself and my true desires before i arrived at what feels like a solid trailhead to the rest of my life. i took the time to find my own path, not the path others wanted to push me on to.

figuring out what you want to do is not easy. it will most likely not involve the degree you worked so hard to earn. but figuring out what you want to do can happen. listen to your heart, your intuition. discover what excites you. uncover what ignites your passion and follow it to the source. i am a firm believer in doing what you believe in and doing what you love. sometimes, it takes a long time to figure out just what, exactly, your ‘thing‘ is. sometimes it takes a lot of trial and error. but never be afraid to start over. a life without passion is just that — passionless. so find yours. live fully. live passionate. live the life you want to live, not the life you think you should live.

There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.
Nelson Mandela

namaste

zoe

(p.s: this is a hint. decisions and plans are being made. things are happening but not quite yet. not to the point where there is news to be shared. only hints.)

self-love sunday

ah, sunday.

my most favorite day of the week. funny how, as a kid, i loathed sundays. mainly because monday followed sunday and monday brought with it a new week of school. now i am a year out of school (pause: when the fuck did that happen?) and out of work on mondays so i can truly appreciate the lazy in lazy sunday. (though, usually, mine consist of enjoying the sunshine).

usually i wake up slowly, bike ride to some brunch, and return home to hammer at my key board. some sundays i struggle to figure out what i want to share. not this sunday.

i want to talk about something very specific: appreciation and acceptance of all bodies.

the topic keeps wanting to be written and, seeing as natalie brought it up earlier this week, i figured today was the perfect time to finally write it out.

often times, in an effort to settle into love for our own bodies, we openly discriminate against other, different bodies. pride or envy or insecurities drive many a person to tear apart another person, body part by body part. i am speaking mainly to the female gender here. labeling women “real” and “unreal” perpetuates animosity. all bodies are real bodies. no matter how you choose to categorize people, every human being has bones, blood, organs, and skin. short, tall, round, flat…we come in all different sizes and shapes. no one body is better than another body. the only reason we think so is because, for some inane reason, our society indoctrinated into us the “good” and “bad” way of thinking. there is no “good” and there is no “bad”. there is just beautiful.

i don’t want to go on and on and on (because i can). i just want to make a simple point. bodies are amazing pieces of art, no matter how the pieces differ. the more you appreciate your own body for the masterpiece that it is, the more you’ll see the artistry around you and the less you’ll feel the need to pit yourself against others.

you know?

anyway, beauty exists outside of bodies. why not appreciate that, too?

(i went disk golfing yesterday instead of the city. save the city for the night time!)

namaste

zoe

changing the vocabulary

i find myself using different words.

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the ones i avoided because i felt funny saying them.

words like sexy. and woman.

something about age twenty-two knocked some sense into me, i guess. i feel adult. mature. (though i don’t doubt all the changes my life will continue to bring cause, you know, that’s what life does). i feel myself slipping out of old habits and old thoughts created in my younger years. i feel myself evolving. it’s quite a trip.

i woke up this morning expecting to feel a little rejected. you see, the guy (i still hesitate to use the word “man” mainly because the guys i end up liking feel more like boys than men) i kind of sort of possibly maybe like ended up spending a lot more time dancing with and talking to other girls. weak.

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however, recently a friend and i shared a discussion about this very topic. the woman (actually the one i started the new blog with!), in all her wisdom, unloaded this chunk of text to me:

“i think it’s like. it means so much more to someone when someone thinks you’re pretty or “worth” dating. so we think someone not wanting to date you means that you suck. but if you’re the person you aim to please, that all doesn’t matter.”

smart, right?

well, i guess i unintentionally put the theory to the test yesterday. i did get dolled up for myself but hell yeah, i also got dolled up to look good for someone else. when it didn’t work, i ended up all butt-hurt and feeling all kinds of ugly and worthless. suddenly my cute new top didn’t matter and neither did my hair or that fact that i decided to put make-up on again. all that mattered was i wasn’t the one being talked to, danced with, or looked at. i spent the latter half of the night all wallow-ey and fell asleep half-drunk and wholly disappointed.

the funny thing is…

i someone woke up this morning shrugging my shoulders and going “eh, fuck it.” i took a single look into the mirror this morning and the only word i found in my head was “sexy” (okay, this never happens). the word came out despite the rejection. the word came out despite feeling so uncomfortable the night before. what i am getting at, i think, is who cares if someone doesn’t see the wonderful, beautiful, inspiring person you are? what matters is if you see the wonderful, beautiful, and inspiring person you are. men and women come and go. how many do you meet a day? how many do you meet a week? a month? a year? all those men and women hold the potential to be the one person you need and want in your life. the rest just act as stepping stones and loaded lessons in life and continued self-love.

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so change your vocabularly. tell yourself you are sexy or hot or gorgeous or any number of words you avoid using to describe yourself. eventually, i think you’ll find yourself not only saying them, but seeing and believing them, too.

namaste

zoe