sometimes, you just need a fucking hike

yesterday i woke up to sunshine and a sour mood.

probably because i showed myself complete disrespect the night before and ended up spilling tears full of self-pity.

but really, who can sit inside on a day in january when the sunshine is out? i confess, i thought about it. then i decided i needed to move, to shake off the thick funk from the previous night.

…which is when my casual hour walk turned into a spontaneous, three hour solo hike.

i live in the bay area. more specifically, i live in marin county. a lot of stereotypes bind the place in which i live. i invite you to call marin every name you see fit, but you cannot deny the beauty it sits in. the bay wraps around us, though we escape the fog san francisco disappears under. yes, i live in the suburbs, but nature lives here, too. so much nature. i live a twenty minute walk from a rambling, wide state park.

coincidentally where i ended up yesterday after a twenty-minute walk.

usually i am not incredibly spontaneous (though i love it when i am). i am much too careful. too plan-oriented (thanks mom). for the past few years i’ve been working on relaxing, on going with the flow of life instead of attempting to regiment and categorize it all. so when i saw the start of an unknown trail yesterday, i hopped on it without a second thought.

i started my walk numb and frustrated. i ended my walk-turned-hike in jubilation.

on a sunday afternoon in the dead of winter, with sunshine reaching for me in between tree branches, i lost my sadness, if only for a second. i shared the path with mountain bikers, trail runners (i did a little of this yesterday too! nothing compares to running in nature.), and hikers. i shared genuine smiles and found i could not wait to say hello to people. in the middle of an unintentional hike, i rediscovered my intention: to be happy, healthy, and in love with life.

the rest of the day filled itself with a lot of laughter, a lot of smiling, a lot of cooking (my friend and i make cookies and moroccan stew. all vegan!). what started out as a potentially shitty day turned itself around.

i think i am discovering some of the keys to sustained sanity: regular movement and a connection to nature. both things help me to be incredibly balance and satisfied. (and i know walking in nature helps open a couple of chakras!) for a long time i tried to justify not moving regularly because of how much i used to exercise. movement is something i need to be careful not to overdo. yet, at the same time, i need to trust myself a little more, believe i can be a regular mover without becoming a compulsive exerciser again. i think i can do that. i think i can do a lot of things i try to pretend i can’t.

sometimes, you just need a fucking hike to realize it.

(the tilt of the world)

namaste

zoe

(p.s: thanks for bearing with me through my ups and downs. writing really helps me reflect and release so i’m not sorry for posting such downers. i appreciate the messages and the support. so, so much.)

help, i’m alive (self-love sunday version)

i’m alive!

silent since january third but bubbling over with words the whole time. i missed the freedom of unloading onto a screen at the days end. i missed talking into space and seeing who replied. i missed sharing and communicating. i missed blogging for a second, sure, but not enough to trade the last five days for much.

basically, i spent the past five days in san francisco under an umbrella of blue sky paired with temperatures hovering somewhere in the low 60′s. i spent it surrounded by positive, loving, compassionate, passionate people. i spent it chatting over sidewalk cafe breakfasts and in kitchens cooking homemade vegan meals. i spent it laughing, loving, relaxing.

i am overwhelmingly blessed. i am overwhelmingly thankful. i am expanding and releasing and reveling, building up and breaking down. life rarely makes sense but right now, i understand its lessons a little more deeply. i feel plugged in again. ready to embrace it all — the good, the bad, and all the little bits in between. i feel ready to leave the past behind and step, finally, into this new chapter i’ve been trying to write for two years.

i have so much to write. so much to babble about. i’ll save that for another time. for now, simply enjoy your weekend. appreciate your blessings and where you are right now. the state of your soul is always beautiful

namaste

zoe

welcoming the new year

last night ended up a success.

and by success, i mean i danced my ass off, abstained from over drinking, met new people, laughed too much, stayed up too late, and spent the early hours of the year sharing words with a pretty exciting new person (more on that later).

i am confident the coming months will be peaceful, grounding, inspirational, and educational. i am also confident 2012 will be the year i release completely and start a new. i am excited to watch the year unfold, day by day. honestly, i anticipate a pretty beautiful year (also, i read my tarot cards for the year and damn. so satisfied with the results.).

today, despite waking up five hours after i went to sleep, i mustered up enough energy to treat myself to a sunny walk followed by a little yoga. you bet i brought some sort of camera. i mean, it’s still sunny! that and i live by the water. kind of picturesque if you ask me.

i hope the first day of your year brought you blessings, light, and love!

namaste

zoe

bad mood

i am in a bad mood.

just. bad.

i spent the day in the city alone. on a whim. i brought my camera. failed to capture anything of interest. decided to shop some. enter: bad mood.

trying on clothes left me deflated. whatever confidence puffed me up this week leaked out. it got difficult to feel good about much after leaving the stores empty handed. it got easy to feel awful about myself. i got really mad. upset. foggy furious. i kind of scared myself when i pushed the idea of food out of my mind. maintaining endurance on this road to health and happiness can be fucking frustrating and fucking trying. it really got to me today.

sometimes, it’s hard to avoid sinking. particularly when you enter a situation that puts so much emphasis and focus on your body. bad moods happen, just like bad days happen. i know. i know it sucks, too. and i know that, after i work my way through all this sticky stuff, there will be solid ground to tie myself too. i feel like i am laying the bricks right now. they’re not dry yet. which means i can easily float away.

moods like this scare me. i’m afraid i’ll lose everything i’ve gained. i’m afraid the negativity will stick. i’m afraid i’ll never come down out of the clouds.

fingers crossed for a better tomorrow.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i just learned addiction and depression run in my family. this explains a lot. useful knowledge after-the-fact.)

last night

last night, i dressed up like a nerd.

(and apparently was too busy to snap a photograph. source.)

which, let’s be real, ain’t far from the truth (;)).

last night, i drank a lot of tequila.

…and beer.

(for a lightweight drinker, that’s a lotta booze.)

last night, i walked into a house full of people i never met.

last night, i laughed loudly, chatted freely, and zipped around happily.

last night, i stayed up until 3:30 in the am listening to bad 90′s music and debating with my roommate.

oh, and eating left-over birthday cake. (not my cake.)

today, i may or may not be hung over.

…and working from 11-6:30.

but you know, i don’t think i mind so much.

it’s the little things.

you know?

how was your friday night?

namaste

zoe

(also, tell me why i can’t get this song out of my head…

oh, and fun fact? i went to high school with darren criss. he’s a sweetheart.)