BIG NEWS, KIDS!
can you guess?
okay, i won’t make you…
i missed you
how do you upload videos onto here? like, ones you make on photo booth? you can do that, right?
more importantly: why am i so untechnologically savvy? fo’ real.
i like to think that, when you’re a binger, you notice the binger in other people.
replace the word ‘binger’ with any word, really, (alcoholic. tweaker. cutter.) and you’ve got a person with a problem. we all have them.
when i first started to struggle with binge eating, it had no name. just a feeling of complete disaster mingled with a streak of uncontrollable rebellion. i never knew what to tell people because i never knew what to tell myself. in those early days of secret speed eating i ended up in tears, over and over. i struggled to reach out. if and when i did the words tumbled out all jumbled and unclear. i remember one day, right as i started teetering into full blown binge eating disorder territory, i blurted out a confession of sorts to a close friend. it made me cry. i hadn’t said it aloud yet. it went something along the lines of “i can’t stop eating. i’ve gained five pounds this week.” her response went something like: “it’s okay.” but, no, actually. all wasn’t okay. five pounds in one week and admitting to compulsive eating isn’t my definition of “okay”.
now, in retrospect, i realize putting a name to the eating disorder slowly pulling a bag over my life was difficult because no one talks about it. no one talks about the people who buy cartons of ice cream, whole cakes, and boxes of cookies in one go and come back the next night for the same sugar hit. no one talks about their friend who acts all nervous around food and whose weight fluctuates along with moods, energy, and stability. no one talks about binge eating. the only response someone not experiencing binge eating can give is “it’s okay.”
it’s not glamorized like anorexia and bulimia. eating too much and weighing too much is frowned upon. not to say not eating isn’t, either, but the type of stigma overweight people face isn’t as negative as the stigma average or underweight individuals experience. did you know more people struggle with binge eating disorder than anorexia and bulimia combined? so why does no one talk about it? where are the binge eating disorder campaigns? stories? heros? maybe i haven’t looked hard enough but i can’t seem to find many high profile ones. i can, however, find a million and one stories of anorexia and bulimia.
i say this because now, after dealing with the hell of binge eating (my story is no where near as intense as some of the ones i’ve read about), i realize how many people do it. bingeing started to come up in conversations with friends when i finally chose to talk about it. the more i shared, the more other people were willing to show how much they related.
it frustrates me because for so lone i felt ashamed. embarrassment kept my mouth shut for far too long. i talked to no one after i talked to my friend who could not offer any advice. i felt like no one understood or could understand. i felt alone, isolated, and distant. i wish i knew how un-alone i really was the entire time.
it’s partially my own fault for assuming no one would empathize. i have a hard time being honest about my personal issues with friends and family. asking for help was more like asking someone to lobotomize me. maybe i was prideful. maybe i thought standing alone made me stronger. maybe. i know for sure, however, that a piece of me wanted desperately to share. but what i was experiencing had no recognizable (to me anyway) name. i simply felt possessed. gluttonous. reckless. infuckingsane. it felt too ridiculous to admit. the more i learn about binge eating though, the more i see how un-ridiculous it is.
it took a lot of searching to label what i was doing. (and time).
recently i’ve spent a lot of words on the subject of truth and honesty. so many of us spend our lives keeping our secrets trapped inside. possibly the fear of rejection keeps our demons beneath our skin. or maybe the idea of appearing royally fucked up scares us off. or, perhaps, we just don’t want to face it ourselves. i don’t know.
what i do know? no one has any reason to feel ashamed of themselves. no one has any reason to assume no one will understand. there are always people who will understand. sometimes people you never imaged. someone will always be willing to listen to you talk in circles as you work your way through. no one is ever really alone. and no one is ever really that great at hiding her problems, either.
i am trying hard here to convey my frustrations and passions and understandings, some of which might sound silly or idealistic or unfounded. but. i want to help people. i want to spread the idea of self-acceptance, which, really, means embracing those bits of you you want to shield from the world. yet, if we do choose to shield away the parts we only open in the dark, we choose to shield our whole selves — from us and everyone else.
every person carries with her a problem. and nearly every other person carries with her a heart to care and an ear to listen. we live on a planet full of human beings. we are creatures with such monumental capacity to empathize.
i want to start talking about life and all the ugly bits. i want to open up dialogues where judgement and embarrassment are not invited. i want to give a voice to issues that may not make a sound.
people who are struggling shouldn’t have to feel alone.
what do you want to talk about?
(p.s: ohmygod you guys. do you need a twitter or a facebook to join pinterest? i don’t have either. why do they make it so damn difficult to join? it’s not cute. it’s fucking stupid.)
it’s hard to write about self-love when, really, you’ve got nothing to say.
ending the week on a sour note, i’m afraid. and i don’t feel like dragging anyone else into it. it’s not very fair of me to do so. admittedly i struggle with falling into my depressive moods. i’m human — it’s one of my flaws. i apologize for being so down as of late and not being very inspiring, uplifting, or worthwhile, really. in all honesty, i’m just a plain downer. the positivity just feels really far away right now. so i’ll leave it at that and leave you with this instead of my bs.
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.”
i’m alive, i’m alive i swear!
things around here have been super over-the-top hectic! i moved, am unpacking (ever so slowly), working at the new job, enjoying the sunshine (on my bike!), and finding it difficult to get a moment to post! i’ve got lots of things to talk to you all about. i’ve got a few days off coming up and (fingers crossed!) i’ll find a moment to pop in and post a real post. so, basically, this is a ‘i’m-here-and-didn’t-die’ post!
well, i’m off to work. today is the first day of the anniversary sale which is referred to as “christmas at REI”. you know, in may. it’s also my third real shift and first shift without a guide. um. wish me luck? cause i think i’m gonna need it!
enjoy your friday loves!
…had too much fun.
so lemme sum it up for you in pictures!
well, i learned. anything pure food and wine makes is delicious.
(spinach/strawberry salad with little jelly preserve things! i know, i’m great at describing things )
(my mom’s raw lasagna. she declared it “the best pesto and red sauce” she’s every had. i tried it too. she’s not lying.)
(my pad thai made with kelp noodles. dare i say it was the best pad thai ever?)
(my dessert…chocolate ganache tart with vanilla creme and carmel sauce. drool. everywhere.)
(my mom’s mint, chocolate, vanilla ice cream sundae of sorts. SO. GOOD.)
not pictured: the alexander mcqueen exhibit we got to see! i am not a fashionista but dang, that man was brilliant!
ah, new york. i could never live there (seriously. i am not stylish enough. and way too friendly.) but you were pretty kick ass to visit!
how was your weekend loves? any fun adventures?
because i love alliteration, around here, sundays will be reserved for some good old self-love. hence ‘self-love sundays’. i’ve been wanting to do a kind of weekly wrap up for a really long time but never found a way to weave it into my old blog. as the direction of my blog has changed, i’m snatching up the opportunity to do it now! so welcome to the very first self-love sunday!
unfortunately, i’m not sure how much self-love i can admit to practicing this week. i worked monday through friday and i feel like i just moved through the days instead of experiencing them. (in fact, i can’t really believe it’s already sunday.)
the little negative voice in my head won a lot of our battles this week. really odd and off thoughts crossed through my mind nearly every day. for example, a lot of “i’m just not worth it” ‘s rolled through my consciousness. i’m feeling jealous, uncomfortable, moody, judgemental. two binges occurred. all week i found myself drawing away from friends and people in general. i spent a lot of the week alone mainly because i don’t want my negative mood to interfere with anyone else’s mood. i don’t think it’s very fair of me to place that on someone.
i did, though, manage to run four times this week. today’s run (almost six miles) went pretty amazingly. i climbed three times (leaving for round three in a few!) and squeezed in yoga most days. jillian kicked my butt one day. all the endorphins help some.
but honestly, i think i am exercising too much. i fear i’ve, once again, fatigued my adrenal glads. all symptoms point to yes. so this week, because i need to step it up in the self-love department, i’m going to take it easy on exercise and focus on happiness. if i catch myself thinking negative thoughts, i’m going to try to replace them with positive ones. fingers crossed the rain goes away. a little bit of sunshine goes a long, long way.
hope you all had a nice weekend.
what are you going to do this week to bring more positivity into your life?
“love yourself first and everything else falls into line. you really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”
thanks for following me here, friends !
wondering what the hell is up? i know — i kind of went a little office space on your asses.
well, i needed a new space. i needed a clean slate. i needed a new direction. well, actually, i just needed a direction. more importantly, however, i needed a positive outlet. i felt bogged down in constant negativity and felt like the purpose of my blog wasn’t entirely evident. mainly because that purpose kept alluding me. but not any more! i’ve found a purpose and that purpose is self-love. complete, real, hug-your-self-from-the-inside-out type of self-love. i am tired of feeling inadequate. i am tired of not appreciating this beautiful life i’ve been handed. i’m tired of constantly getting stuck in the negative and spending more time unhappy as opposed to happy.
though i cannot promise everything will be positive (because life’s not all good all the time), i can promise an honest voice throughout this journey, however long it takes. i’m excited by all the possibilities and cannot wait to share with all of you!