2012 already possesses an energy so unlike 2011.
2011 seemed to carry with it a lot of struggle. nearly every friend i spoke to regarding last year agreed — 2011 tested the limits of our selves. emotional battles were fought. mental hurdles were stumbled over. spiritual patience was tested. everyone i talked to about 2011 appreciated the growth only difficulties can bring, but everyone i talked to is also so ready to move on.
yesterday i had my first therapy appointment in about a month. i discussed with my therapist my current frame of mine. right now, i am really happy. however, i am grounded enough to not disregard the eventual downturn of happy energy. life will always dip down again, no matter how much you attempt to control it. i explained to her that right now, i am not residing in one emotional extreme or the other. rather, i am settled comfortably between the two. i am not jittery happy nor am i numbingly sad. i am balanced, open, and observing. i am accepting of the bad as much as i am the good — i am accepting all facets of life.
the idea of running into unhappiness used to scare me, mainly because i never knew how to deal with the depths of my sadness. i never wanted to feel depression so i fought against it instead of simply accepting it as a natural aspect of every person’s life. the funny thing is, we rarely fight against happiness. yet, we rage against sadness. maybe because sadness peels back our layers to reveal ultimate truths we deem ourselves too fragile to look deeply into. maybe because we see sadness like a cloud, blocking out all the light in our lives. maybe because feeling low cannot compare to feeling high.
but what if we treated life’s depressive points as lessons? honestly, i learned and continue to learn more in my darkest moments. the more i explore objectively the sadness curled up inside, the more i release. 2012 already represents to me a year of letting go, of shifting and changing, of embracing and understanding. i am no longer trembling in anticipation of unhappiness.
i feel it already, this transition. in relationships, in thoughts, in my body. the other day, while posted up in pigeon and breathing ever so deeply, tension slipped out of my right hip, like someone pulled a thread and unraveled a few layers of stitching. it was a complete physical experience, one that totally elated me. additionally, i no longer look at myself and see problems. instead, i see myself truly, happily, without the transparent image of an unrealistic woman clouding my vision. i am not obsessive, controlling, or negative in thought. i am treating myself well on the food front, too. it’s been well over a month since i last binged and well over two months since i last purged. intuition seems to guide me through every meal and i feel calm around food. it feels right to treat myself well. it feels effortless in this moment to do so.
right now, the energy surrounding me feels reassuring. i am moving towards something bigger and greater than myself. i am supported, protected, and provided for. i am trusting, believing, relaxing, and moving on.
how does 2012 feel so far to you? any different than 2011?
(p.s: i cannot get enough of this song…!
turnitupturnitupturnitup! and dance around, if you’re so inclined )