2012 so far

2012 already possesses an energy so unlike 2011.

2011 seemed to carry with it a lot of struggle. nearly every friend i spoke to regarding last year agreed — 2011 tested the limits of our selves. emotional battles were fought. mental hurdles were stumbled over. spiritual patience was tested. everyone i talked to about 2011 appreciated the growth only difficulties can bring, but everyone i talked to is also so ready to move on.

yesterday i had my first therapy appointment in about a month. i discussed with my therapist my current frame of mine. right now, i am really happy. however, i am grounded enough to not disregard the eventual downturn of happy energy. life will always dip down again, no matter how much you attempt to control it. i explained to her that right now, i am not residing in one emotional extreme or the other. rather, i am settled comfortably between the two. i am not jittery happy nor am i numbingly sad. i am balanced, open, and observing. i am accepting of the bad as much as i am the good — i am accepting all facets of life.

the idea of running into unhappiness used to scare me, mainly because i never knew how to deal with the depths of my sadness. i never wanted to feel depression so i fought against it instead of simply accepting it as a natural aspect of every person’s life. the funny thing is, we rarely fight against happiness. yet, we rage against sadness. maybe because sadness peels back our layers to reveal ultimate truths we deem ourselves too fragile to look deeply into. maybe because we see sadness like a cloud, blocking out all the light in our lives. maybe because feeling low cannot compare to feeling high.

but what if we treated life’s depressive points as lessons? honestly, i learned and continue to learn more in my darkest moments. the more i explore objectively the sadness curled up inside, the more i release. 2012 already represents to me a year of letting go, of shifting and changing, of embracing and understanding. i am no longer trembling in anticipation of unhappiness.

i feel it already, this transition. in relationships, in thoughts, in my body. the other day, while posted up in pigeon and breathing ever so deeply, tension slipped out of my right hip, like someone pulled a thread and unraveled a few layers of stitching. it was a complete physical experience, one that totally elated me. additionally, i no longer look at myself and see problems. instead, i see myself truly, happily, without the transparent image of an unrealistic woman clouding my vision. i am not obsessive, controlling, or negative in thought. i am treating myself well on the food front, too. it’s been well over a month since i last binged and well over two months since i last purged. intuition seems to guide me through every meal and i feel calm around food. it feels right to treat myself well. it feels effortless in this moment to do so.

right now, the energy surrounding me feels reassuring. i am moving towards something bigger and greater than myself. i am supported, protected, and provided for. i am trusting, believing, relaxing, and moving on.

truly.

how does 2012 feel so far to you? any different than 2011?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i cannot get enough of this song…!

turnitupturnitupturnitup! and dance around, if you’re so inclined )

learning patience

i am impatient.

no doubt.

i rush. i force. i tackle one thing after another if only to keep the pace gogogo. slow and steady requires vigilance. i am not one to play the waiting game. who can blame me, really? the culture i live in breeds plans and to do lists and quick, time saving lifestyles. digital gadgets allow us to stay connected at all hours. the vast majority of americans roll through days saturated in information, buzzed on caffeine, and numbed to their environments.

however, the more i practice mindfulness, the more i ask myself one question: why am i rushing?

you see, i am considering the concept of patience today much more deeply because i hit a road block earlier in the afternoon. as i attempted to register at the local community college for the prerequisites i need to apply to naturopathy colleges, i realized i may or may not need to take prerequisites for my prerequisites. yup. in college i never took real science — no labs, no lecture halls. the liberal arts program i enrolled in covered all my GE’s. those “science” credits i received though? pretty sure they don’t count. suddenly school this semester is up in and air. which leaves me here, delayed.

whenever i stress out (which happens whenever i feel overwhelmed or unable to organize my life…aka: right now) a close friend of mine likes to tell me one thing: you are exactly where you need to be.

i tend to forget good things take time, effort, and unending patience. realistically, my path to medical school may take a good couple of years. i am not sure why i assumed the process would be easy, but the universe is definitely trying to teach me a lesson now. luckily, i am a willing student.

life happens. sometimes, dreams distance themselves because more important things ask for your attention instead. right now, i truly believe i am exactly where i need to be. the more i listen to my intuition, the more i realize how much i need to focus on nurturing myself. my health is one of my top most priorities currently, especially following the aftermath of 2011. in order to move forward, i need to continue to tend to my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health, not immerse myself in stressful environments (school will undoubtedly stress me out because i am horrific at math and science).

i babble about my health all the time, i know. yet, i very often forget about monitoring it whenever life turns breezy. although i am feeling happy and healthy now, i know the state i exist in is impermanent, the foundation fragile. to reach my dreams, i first need to be settled and grounded in my self. i need to remember i am young, that this is a process, and i need to trust it. better yet — i need to enjoy it.

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.”
Harriet Tubman

namaste

zoe

help, i’m alive (self-love sunday version)

i’m alive!

silent since january third but bubbling over with words the whole time. i missed the freedom of unloading onto a screen at the days end. i missed talking into space and seeing who replied. i missed sharing and communicating. i missed blogging for a second, sure, but not enough to trade the last five days for much.

basically, i spent the past five days in san francisco under an umbrella of blue sky paired with temperatures hovering somewhere in the low 60′s. i spent it surrounded by positive, loving, compassionate, passionate people. i spent it chatting over sidewalk cafe breakfasts and in kitchens cooking homemade vegan meals. i spent it laughing, loving, relaxing.

i am overwhelmingly blessed. i am overwhelmingly thankful. i am expanding and releasing and reveling, building up and breaking down. life rarely makes sense but right now, i understand its lessons a little more deeply. i feel plugged in again. ready to embrace it all — the good, the bad, and all the little bits in between. i feel ready to leave the past behind and step, finally, into this new chapter i’ve been trying to write for two years.

i have so much to write. so much to babble about. i’ll save that for another time. for now, simply enjoy your weekend. appreciate your blessings and where you are right now. the state of your soul is always beautiful

namaste

zoe

today, yesterday, and the day before that

after spending every day last week in the city, i kicked off the new week the only way i knew how…

in the city of course!

at the beach in particular (and the park. and the concrete avenues of the sunset district).

with a guy in particular.

on a particularly gorgeous day for san francisco in january…

i woke up in a particularly good mood this morning.

see, the thing is this: a few days before new years i met someone new. well, actually, i re-met him. but the other day marked the first time we ever legitimately kicked it. can i just say i have never felt more of a connection to another person so quickly? is that weird? maybe don’t answer that.

regardless, the past couple of days have left me stupid-happy and little girl giddy. i know not to carry myself too far off into fantastical lands but a woman’s gotta dream a little dream, right? right. especially when this new guy is a (brilliant) spoken word poet, deeply soulful, honest, creative, and a male i feel comfortable enough with to call a man instead of a boy. tough thing to do at this age, or so i find. interactions feel fluid. i don’t feel the need to keep my guard up, around my personality or my body (though, nothing outside of the most excellent of cuddles has happened. i move sloooow.) my perspective is shifting as life shifts. something in the universe is supporting me and protecting me. i feel it. 2012 is bringing something special for the mind, body, soul, and heart.

now, if you’ll excuse me. i’ve got a room to clean and organize!

how has 2012 treated you so far?

namaste

zoe

babbling

the sad slump isn’t over yet.

(source)
from what i understand, a lot of people have been in questionable moods lately (i blame the full mood and mercury retrograde. feel free to call me a looney.). i am feeling curt and cross and unbelievably sensitive today (and terribly, terribly acid reflux-ey). sometimes i feel like two people: one calm and steady, the other fiery and aggressive.

the funniest part is, i know why i am down and i know how to remedy it. the only thing keeping me from helping myself is, well, myself. i’m starting to understand that, in order to move forward in a more positive direction, i really need to hunker down and commit to shit. i read my tarot cards last night in a health spread (again, call me crazy if you want. buut…i’ll just mention that i’ve proved every skeptic wrong so far ). they basically confirmed for me everything i’ve been thinking: be gentle, be committed, be patience, be open, and believe in the good things because they’re coming. the biggest one for me is commitment. if i view something as a “failure” i only focus on the “failure” instead of the bigger picture. i cannot allow one small set back to deter me from pursuing my hopes and dreams.

though i woke up down and out, i still did things to help along my mood and reinvigorate myself. i ate breakfast (though i desperately didn’t want to). i ate lunch. i ate protein. i worked out. and i listened to music. something about music always, always, always soothes. there is always some melody, some words, some beat to connect with during any given mood.

so, i figure i’ll end it here today. not much to say (though, oddly enough, there is so much to say…just not in a fluid, non-rambling way). i will leave you with the song that started my day today. i hope you like it. it feels sleepy and dreamy and kinda sway-with-you-eyes-closed.

namaste

zoe

self-love sunday

ah, sunday.

my most favorite day of the week. funny how, as a kid, i loathed sundays. mainly because monday followed sunday and monday brought with it a new week of school. now i am a year out of school (pause: when the fuck did that happen?) and out of work on mondays so i can truly appreciate the lazy in lazy sunday. (though, usually, mine consist of enjoying the sunshine).

usually i wake up slowly, bike ride to some brunch, and return home to hammer at my key board. some sundays i struggle to figure out what i want to share. not this sunday.

i want to talk about something very specific: appreciation and acceptance of all bodies.

the topic keeps wanting to be written and, seeing as natalie brought it up earlier this week, i figured today was the perfect time to finally write it out.

often times, in an effort to settle into love for our own bodies, we openly discriminate against other, different bodies. pride or envy or insecurities drive many a person to tear apart another person, body part by body part. i am speaking mainly to the female gender here. labeling women “real” and “unreal” perpetuates animosity. all bodies are real bodies. no matter how you choose to categorize people, every human being has bones, blood, organs, and skin. short, tall, round, flat…we come in all different sizes and shapes. no one body is better than another body. the only reason we think so is because, for some inane reason, our society indoctrinated into us the “good” and “bad” way of thinking. there is no “good” and there is no “bad”. there is just beautiful.

i don’t want to go on and on and on (because i can). i just want to make a simple point. bodies are amazing pieces of art, no matter how the pieces differ. the more you appreciate your own body for the masterpiece that it is, the more you’ll see the artistry around you and the less you’ll feel the need to pit yourself against others.

you know?

anyway, beauty exists outside of bodies. why not appreciate that, too?

(i went disk golfing yesterday instead of the city. save the city for the night time!)

namaste

zoe

this is weird but…

i couldn’t have a bad day today if i tried.

(source)

i can’t stop the positive thought after positive thought. i almost feel possessed. certainly not my “normal” self.

i can’t stop thinking.

something inside broke open.

it keeps gushing out lucid thoughts.

here i am, trying to describe it and where it all came from but i somehow can’t manage a coherent string of words.

why?

i’m not sure.

it could be the skirt i bought yesterday and am wearing today. it’s soft and loose. it makes me feel pretty. i guess i feel comfortable.

or, it might be the lady at the grocery store earlier who smiled at me. then said, “oh my god! your tattoo just gave me the best idea!”

i looked at my wrist. smiled. “what kind of idea?”

while she shared i realized she noticed my tattoo. my wrist. not the stomach i think everyone scrutinizes. or the extra flesh.

for moments at a time i keep jumping into rational thought. i think, “oh man, eat while you’re calm” because i keep eating during moments like this, not tasting with mind racing and i can’t wait to finish lunch because i am so eager to writewritewrite i shake.

or it could be because i keep, quite literally, stumbling over thoughts i don’t get a second to overview before i think them.

like when i threw trash on the floor of my car earlier. caught myself thinking, “man, do i seriously need to do that? i’m just making more work for myself later on.” and that was kind of like, whoa, what the fuck, where did that come from?

it seems as if i am embracing of change. it feels wild. i feel wild.

because then i got to thinking, “ugh, all i want for lunch is some dark chocolate, almond butter, and a tangerine.” which lead me to think, “that’s not a real lunch.” which drove me to consider eating something completely opposite and completely insubstantial. all of this jumpstarted a thought that did not at all feel like my own: “just eat what you want. otherwise, you might end up eating all the things you don’t really want.” it seriously struck me dumb.

it was like finally understanding something i knew all along.

i need to move and i need change like i need a new perspective. i need different air, different people, different conversations. i need life. not uncomfortable comfort.

recently a friend told me he feels i am squandering my potential. he believes i am worthy of bigger and better things than a job at REI. he believes i am wasting time in a town i don’t belong in. at first i took offense to it. i wondered how and why a (best) friend would say something so obviously mean. i only kept thinking “my goal is to be happy. and i am. why can’t they see that?”

last night, however, changed my entire view. of everything. my roommate, smart guy that he is, flipped the perspective for me. he said, “hey man, think of it as coming from you parents, from people who love you and want the best for you. don’t think of it as a bad thing. your friends just want to see you do the things you actually want to do.”

and, just like that, i understood.

in this town, i am stunted. not progressing. not opening. not embracing. i am barely breathing. i am in this town still, where all of this bullshit developed. i am treading over the same, deeply worn paths. i am thickening the already thick grooves of routine. am i really happy here? when i stop to consider the question, i only get one answer: no, not really.

my friends are right. i am worthy of bigger and better things.

i hate sitting amongst friends who share, back and forth, back and forth, stories of life. of living. meanwhile i mute myself in the corner. if anyone asks me, “how’s everything? what’s up?” the same answer comes out. first i shrug my shoulders. then i smile. and then i drone, “it’s good. same old. just working and hanging out.”

i leave out the “oh, you know, just overandoverandoverandover.”

because who wants to hear stories about me, hanging out alone, on the couch, with my computer and a pile of food? who wants to hear stories about how all that food comes up later and i stumble into bed, with brain foggy and oh-so-desperately tired limbs.

it’s getting tiring. it’s getting unbearable.

furthermore, i don’t want to look back on my youth and see days wasted on food. i don’t want to see moments passed up because i felt insecure and uncomfortable. i don’t want to think of all the life i missed out on. you don’t get this time back.

so i am rolling the dice on ‘change begets change’.

i am going to start packing. because i am going to start planning. things are happening. i am shaking off that shell of myself, that dried and useless layer. this isn’t life. and i can’t stand to live another second in this non-life i’ve created. change doesn’t just come to you. you’ve got to make it.

i have no patience for this bullshit anymore.

namaste

zoe

(edit: unfortunately, this night is ending now, it seems, on a lame note. a friend just told me he can’t be friends with me anymore and i just puked my guts up. i’m not…unhappy. just. wickedly disappointed. time for a long, long late night bike ride.)

horoscope craziness

i put a lot of stock into horoscopes.

really though, i put a lot of stock into things a lot of people might like to call “spiritual mumbo-jumbo” (uh, i have no idea who would actually say that).

rob brezsney continually blows my mind. he posts weekly horoscopes so freakishly spot on it leaves me sputtering and stuttering “but…what…how…i…what…?” for minutes. then hours. then days. like this week. this week left me covered in chills.

“Sentiment without action is the ruin of the soul,” said environmentalist Edward Abbey. The “ruin” doesn’t happen all of a sudden, because of a single small failure to translate sincere intentions into good works. Rather, it’s the result of long-running laziness or passivity — a consistent inability to do what one’s passions demand. If there is even a shred of this tendency in your make-up, Libra, now is an urgent time to shed it. According to my astrological analysis, you simply must carry out your soul’s mandates.

um.

can we talk about this for a second?

sentiment without action? talking about wanting recovery desperately yet not applying the effort needed?
long-running laziness or passivity? the “i’ll start tomorrow” mentality i’ve been carrying around for months?
consistent inability to do what one’s passions demand? like committing to health and happiness and wholeness?

i am thrilled and scared and enveloped in overwhelming awe.

today, i read my daily om horoscope.

Positive Surprises
Libra Daily Horoscope
News from your loved ones or close friends might take you off guard but could nevertheless make you feel excited today. It may be that you have heard the unexpected, and you feel that everything you have known and thought up to this point has changed in some way. Even if what you hear is not entirely positive, perhaps today you can look upon this surprise as a sign from the universe that some part of your life should change. Seeing the positive aspect of the unforeseen might help you understand that everything that happens to you and around you could be an opportunity to do something different and challenge yourself. This may even make it easier for you to accept that the things that occur out of the blue are not extraordinary but a normal and essential part of life.

um.

sign from the universe (my favorites) that some part of my life should change?

what i’ve cracked this all up to be is this: something is happening. i feel something changing, shifting, clicking into place. i feel differently each morning i wake up. it started on sunday and hasn’t stopped. i cannot tell you what’s going on because i cannot quite understand it myself.

all i know is this: i gotta carry out my soul’s mandates. and fast.

do you put any stock into horoscopes? or any type of spiritual stuff?

namaste

zoe

(okay, so, i’ve looked at a ton of different horoscopes today and all of them indicate things are changing, that i am realizing the need for change. no wonder i feel a shift!)