today i spent an hour and a half on a massage table.
not a regular type of massage. a combination massage. a reiki/chakra/energy healing massage. i cannot quite put into words how wonderful the entire experience was. by the time i sat up words lost their importance. mainly because i felt it too difficult to speak clearly. a lightness circulated through me. an energy. loose legs carried me to the car and a calm heart carried me through the remainder of my early afternoon.
i am really sad right now. i tried staving it off all day but. sometimes simply accepting how you feel helps you move through it. for a week i’ve shown myself nothing close to love. just silent, harsh words meant to cut deep and actions stemming from the roots of self-loathing. anxiety keeps burning a hole in my chest. i am submerged in a listless self-doubt. this is like screaming underwater. no one can hear you and all sound comes out as bubbles anyway.
the woman who massaged me earlier told me there was a lot of energy inside of me. she told me that sometimes, it takes the body a little while to catch up with the energy of your spirit, that our physical selves don’t necessarily know how to handle all the energy we absorb. she told me i am on the right path. i believe her and am happy to know eventually i will find balance and openness but right now, it’s a little difficult to just fucking move.
i want to cry but i can’t.
i want to tell people i love them and share sweet words with them but i am too busy sinking and doling out curt responses i never meant to let fly.
i want to be open and honest but my voice is missing.
i want to enjoy my life, receive love and give love in equal amounts, but i am so stuck in indecision i am immobilized.
i know all of this is happening for a reason. i know that in my heart of hearts.
but this still fucking sucks.
(edit: i feel much better now. had a heart to heart with myself earlier. this up and down stuff is difficult to manage when you start letting yourself feel instead of the opposite)