reiki and feelings in general

today i spent an hour and a half on a massage table.

(source)
not a regular type of massage. a combination massage. a reiki/chakra/energy healing massage. i cannot quite put into words how wonderful the entire experience was. by the time i sat up words lost their importance. mainly because i felt it too difficult to speak clearly. a lightness circulated through me. an energy. loose legs carried me to the car and a calm heart carried me through the remainder of my early afternoon.

yet…

i am really sad right now. i tried staving it off all day but. sometimes simply accepting how you feel helps you move through it. for a week i’ve shown myself nothing close to love. just silent, harsh words meant to cut deep and actions stemming from the roots of self-loathing. anxiety keeps burning a hole in my chest. i am submerged in a listless self-doubt. this is like screaming underwater. no one can hear you and all sound comes out as bubbles anyway.

the woman who massaged me earlier told me there was a lot of energy inside of me. she told me that sometimes, it takes the body a little while to catch up with the energy of your spirit, that our physical selves don’t necessarily know how to handle all the energy we absorb. she told me i am on the right path. i believe her and am happy to know eventually i will find balance and openness but right now, it’s a little difficult to just fucking move.

i want to cry but i can’t.
i want to tell people i love them and share sweet words with them but i am too busy sinking and doling out curt responses i never meant to let fly.
i want to be open and honest but my voice is missing.
i want to enjoy my life, receive love and give love in equal amounts, but i am so stuck in indecision i am immobilized.

i know all of this is happening for a reason. i know that in my heart of hearts.

but this still fucking sucks.

namaste

zoe

(edit: i feel much better now. had a heart to heart with myself earlier. this up and down stuff is difficult to manage when you start letting yourself feel instead of the opposite)

what the hell am i doing?

i quit my job almost one month ago.

(source)
i am not in school. i am unemployed by choice. my days consist of questions like “what do i want to do now?” and walks and bike rides and pausing to snap unnecessary amounts of photographs. my weeks go by filled with writing, yoga, and trips to san francisco. i spend a lot of time debating what to play around with in the kitchen and too much time contemplating this and that and this and that.

life sounds good — no, life is good — but i know the reality i move in currently is not really reality. i am indulging in a moment of freedom i doubt i will see for the remainder of my life. no responsibilities outside of caring for myself and cooking the occasional dinner for my family preoccupy me. i am living in appreciation for this time.

but…

(because there is always a but) as i explained to a friend the other day, i feel irresponsible (he told me i shouldn’t). i no longer have pay checks rolling in. i am entirely dependent on the hard work of my parents (again). additionally, more importantly (i think), i feel directionless. utterly so. my mom keeps pushing the idea of employment on me. i feel pressured to pick something blindly just to make her happy and keep my parents believing i know what i am doing and that, somewhere up there in that brain of mine, i have a plan.

confession: i don’t.

i have no idea what i am doing (nor do i think many people do). though friends assure me it’s okay to not have a plan right now, that it’s okay to simply float until i stumble onto something, i cannot help feeling unsettled and like i need to move forward (something about the fear of stagnation, i suppose).

i mentioned in my last post i am introspective by nature. well, i am also restless by nature. impossibly so. i job hop consistently, always at the six month mark. if i feel no connection to a job, no fulfillment of the heart and soul, i get itchy to leave. all the jobs i take and all the jobs i eventually leave are in retail. i know enough now to know retail is not where i belong. i can’t go back to it, even if only to have a job and an income. it makes me anxious, moody, critical and unmotivated. however, this knowledge leaves me here, all mixed up in ideas of the future and unable to move for the web of choice i’ve bound myself in has me stuck. really stuck.

luckily, my one bright light here is knowing the things i do love and knowing the things i am good at and want to share with other people. things like…

writing.
helping people.
holistic health.
yoga.
editing/proof reading (nerdy english fun).
cooking.
traveling.
creating.

so many things. yet, when i look at this list, i feel more confused. how am i supposed to find something worthwhile with so many ideas and choices?

i guess i am writing this today to ask for help, for a little guidance (god knows i struggle to come to concrete decisions anyway). i am twenty-two and without purpose. or, more accurately, without directed purpose. i feel like i know what my purpose is (to help people) but i don’t know how in the hell to achieve it. my mom wants me to see a career counselor but i don’t know how i feel about that. so any and all advice is welcomed, as, clearly, i am not very good at initiating things.

how do you find direction and purpose? how do you focus your energy?

namaste

zoe