let’s talk about sex (and why we’re not doing it)

can we talk about something?

or, rather, can i rant a whole lot of something like i usually do?

i’ve had a lot on my mind lately in regards to sex. not gender sex, but sex sex. and how it and touch in general have been lacking from my life. the other day, the lovely voice behind disenchantED, asked us what we’ve given up because of our ED’s. i said meaningful relationships. what i really meant to say was intimacy.

i am a firm believer in the importance of sex and sexuality in ones life. i think sex and sexuality are integral aspects of happiness. without them, a fundamental piece of humanness is missing. and can i just say just how much it is missing in my life?

the moment sexuality knocked on my conscious i locked the door. in high school i avoided any sort of intimacy while hormone crazed hookups happened all around me. i listened to stories gush from friends about drunken midnight lip locking. i soaked up their hush-hush secrets while remaining detached from the vague sense of longing mingled with jealousy inching its way into my thoughts. i was missing out.

yet…

yet i swatted hands off of me. i turned off being turned on. i disregarded the boys who showed interest. the thought of touching and being touched terrified me. alongside questions of “what if i’m not good at anything?” came the truer, more accurate reasons as to why i evaded intimate moments: i didn’t want anyone discovering my body.

i’ve never liked my body. i’ve never appreciated it’s shape, the natural curves and crevasses. i’ve only ever ignored it. i’ve only ever seen imperfection. i’ve only ever seen the “needs improvement” sign flashing over my head. even during my restriction days (i am hesitant to call it anorexia despite fulfilling the qualifying markers) i felt abhorrently fat despite counting my emerging ribs in the mirror. and now, as i occupy a fleshy, foreign body i am still working on feeling comfortable.

the lack of appreciation and the fixation on the perceived “imperfections” held me back from my sexual side. i withheld because i felt hideous and unworthy. surely, i thought, no one liked a girl with an overly round stomach and big thighs. surely no one wanted to touch a soft body. clearly no guy would choose me over my tall, spindly, gorgeous friends. i tricked myself into believe that, because i am bigger, i don’t deserve to experience sex and sexuality.

however…

i am starting to understand not everyone finds thinness attractive. i am discovering the concept of varying tastes. i am finding out the number of guys who dig thicker women is a hell of a lot bigger than i ever thought. i’m learning that maybe my roundness and cellulite and softness isn’t as big of a deal as i have always assumed it was.

really though, i am seeing that none of that matters. not really anyway. the only thing that honestly matters? confidence. heaping piles of raw confidence. i am, slowly, mentally settling into the body that grew into womanhood during middle school. i’m playing a massive game of catch up. i’m growing confidence.

so yes, my eating disorder has taken a lot away from me. that’s for damn sure. but i’m taking my life back. i’m taking everything back, sexuality included. and that, my loves, is for damn sure.

have you ever held back on life because you’ve felt uncomfortable in your own skin?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: do you know how positively gorgeous you are yet? inside and out?)

(p.p.s: just as a clarification: sex and sexuality are not completely absent from my life. they exist and have existed just in very, very small doses.)

on love, relationships, sex, and body image

by the way…did i mention i broke off my unrelationship sunday night?

yeah. made for the most awkward concert in history (he came along to adele because we originally planned it that way. i wondered if i should do it pre or post concert but he brought it up in the car on the way there so…oh well.) i’m not sad. i’m relieved.

yeah. relieved. and i’m starting to realize something: i’m not very good at relationships. i get bored really easily. i loose interest in the first couple of months, after the heat of the chase dies down. rarely do i settle into something wholeheartedly. i don’t settle period — if the “spark” does not exist effortlessly between me and another person, i usually can the “relationship” before someone gets way too attached.

curious about my romantic history?

in my short (almost 22!) twenty one years, i’ve been in five relationships. i ended all but one. the longest one lasted ten months. i’ve had my heart broken once and utterly shattered once. i’ve never had a random hook up. ever. and i’ve only been in love once. that head over heels can’t get over it type of love (the one that ended up shattering my heart and soul).

in high school, when hormones go nuts and people merge constantly, i avoided boys for a myriad of reasons. low self-esteem topped the list. i never felt pretty enough. i always felt fat, ugly, and worthless. my poor high school boyfriend never got to touch me because i was so uncomfortable in my own skin i never let him (or anyone) touch me. this attitude followed me into college. i self-sabotaged a million chances with a million guys because i felt uncomfortable with me.

anyone surprised? anyone? didn’t think so.

i may not be sexually savvy but i have learned a lesson or two. the most important? sexuality is an integral piece of being human. shutting it off is like shutting off a piece of you that is hardwired in your system. essentially, shutting off your sexuality short-circuits the rest of your system. now, i’m not saying go bang everything you see. i’m not saying indulge every sexual whim. i’m saying recognizing, accepting, and owning your sexuality (e.g: be safe. use protection kids!), whatever it may be, is incredibly important to your health (mental and physical).

unfortunately, i know i am not the only one who shuts off her sexuality. i know i am not the only one who convinces herself she’s not pretty enough for touching and feeling. talk to almost any woman and you’ll find some sort of apprehension concerning the body. we bang with the lights off. we avoid intimate situations because we don’t want to take off our shirts. we don’t masturbate because we’re not worth feeling good. we simply float through life with this ridiculously important switch flipped off.

well, loves, i’ve got some news for those of you who withhold your sexuality:

you do deserve to be touched.
you do deserve to feel.
you do deserve to love and be loved in returned.
you do deserve to not settle for the first person who comes along.
you do deserve to have sex with the lights and your shirt off…or not at all!

because every body, no matter what shape or size, deserves all the same wonderful things. there is no age limit to sex, no weight limit, no size specifications. you only require a body, a heart, a soul, a mind, and openness to new experiences.

something tells me you lovely people already have all these tools in your toolbox. and if you still struggle, know that when you love someone and someone loves you, they could care less about all the little bits and pieces you fret so deeply about. i’m finally starting to see that. i sincerely hope you will too. now i just gotta find me someone to love…

tell me, what is your relationship with sexuality? with sex? is it important to you? or not at all? i think we could have an interesting conversation here…

namaste

zoe

(p.s: so…i think i’m in love. ugh.)