yesterday

yesterday i walked around san francisco.

all day.

in boots and orange tights.

with a very close friend.

alight with deep happiness and warm from february sunshine.

then, something funny happened. last night. something out-of-character but so in-character.

i took a deep breath.

stepped into the middle of a circle ringed by people and more people — strangers.

and, in front of all these faces i did not know, i read my poetry.

aloud.

can we talk about fears that are irrational?
can we talk about how calm my heart felt in my chest as i performed?
can we talk about evolving?
can we talk about liberation?

can we talk about how fucking great i feel?

namaste

zoe

appreciating the little things

i am learning to appreciate all the little joys present in my life.

i am learning gratitude stretches smiles, warms the heart, and uplifts the spirits.

i am learning i have more than enough.

i am learning to live for the small moments in life.

like blue skies in january.

and the company of friends who live in your heart.

or realizing the fact that i live here:

that i was born here.

i am learning to remember that life is sweet when you let it be.

i am learning. always.

namaste

zoe

help, i’m alive (self-love sunday version)

i’m alive!

silent since january third but bubbling over with words the whole time. i missed the freedom of unloading onto a screen at the days end. i missed talking into space and seeing who replied. i missed sharing and communicating. i missed blogging for a second, sure, but not enough to trade the last five days for much.

basically, i spent the past five days in san francisco under an umbrella of blue sky paired with temperatures hovering somewhere in the low 60′s. i spent it surrounded by positive, loving, compassionate, passionate people. i spent it chatting over sidewalk cafe breakfasts and in kitchens cooking homemade vegan meals. i spent it laughing, loving, relaxing.

i am overwhelmingly blessed. i am overwhelmingly thankful. i am expanding and releasing and reveling, building up and breaking down. life rarely makes sense but right now, i understand its lessons a little more deeply. i feel plugged in again. ready to embrace it all — the good, the bad, and all the little bits in between. i feel ready to leave the past behind and step, finally, into this new chapter i’ve been trying to write for two years.

i have so much to write. so much to babble about. i’ll save that for another time. for now, simply enjoy your weekend. appreciate your blessings and where you are right now. the state of your soul is always beautiful

namaste

zoe

today, yesterday, and the day before that

after spending every day last week in the city, i kicked off the new week the only way i knew how…

in the city of course!

at the beach in particular (and the park. and the concrete avenues of the sunset district).

with a guy in particular.

on a particularly gorgeous day for san francisco in january…

i woke up in a particularly good mood this morning.

see, the thing is this: a few days before new years i met someone new. well, actually, i re-met him. but the other day marked the first time we ever legitimately kicked it. can i just say i have never felt more of a connection to another person so quickly? is that weird? maybe don’t answer that.

regardless, the past couple of days have left me stupid-happy and little girl giddy. i know not to carry myself too far off into fantastical lands but a woman’s gotta dream a little dream, right? right. especially when this new guy is a (brilliant) spoken word poet, deeply soulful, honest, creative, and a male i feel comfortable enough with to call a man instead of a boy. tough thing to do at this age, or so i find. interactions feel fluid. i don’t feel the need to keep my guard up, around my personality or my body (though, nothing outside of the most excellent of cuddles has happened. i move sloooow.) my perspective is shifting as life shifts. something in the universe is supporting me and protecting me. i feel it. 2012 is bringing something special for the mind, body, soul, and heart.

now, if you’ll excuse me. i’ve got a room to clean and organize!

how has 2012 treated you so far?

namaste

zoe

san francisco, in a day (and night)

namaste

zoe

(p.s: all taken yesterday by me. please don’t steal )

bad mood

i am in a bad mood.

just. bad.

i spent the day in the city alone. on a whim. i brought my camera. failed to capture anything of interest. decided to shop some. enter: bad mood.

trying on clothes left me deflated. whatever confidence puffed me up this week leaked out. it got difficult to feel good about much after leaving the stores empty handed. it got easy to feel awful about myself. i got really mad. upset. foggy furious. i kind of scared myself when i pushed the idea of food out of my mind. maintaining endurance on this road to health and happiness can be fucking frustrating and fucking trying. it really got to me today.

sometimes, it’s hard to avoid sinking. particularly when you enter a situation that puts so much emphasis and focus on your body. bad moods happen, just like bad days happen. i know. i know it sucks, too. and i know that, after i work my way through all this sticky stuff, there will be solid ground to tie myself too. i feel like i am laying the bricks right now. they’re not dry yet. which means i can easily float away.

moods like this scare me. i’m afraid i’ll lose everything i’ve gained. i’m afraid the negativity will stick. i’m afraid i’ll never come down out of the clouds.

fingers crossed for a better tomorrow.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i just learned addiction and depression run in my family. this explains a lot. useful knowledge after-the-fact.)

self-love sunday

did i ever tell you how much i love sundays?

sundays feel like starting over.

sunday possesses this strange healing effect. a calm atmosphere, too. plus, i never work sundays or mondays. sundays are like good cheer all around.

i spent yesterday in san francisco listening to music at the hardly strictly bluegrass festival. i got to listen to robert plant (!!!! have i ever mentioned my serious love for led zeppelin?). it introduced me to buckethead. i spent time with high school friends i rarely see. i danced. i ate three meals yesterday. i am thankful.

a lot happened internally this week. i reacted to situations differently. i felt unfamiliar emotions. like when my friend decided to end our friendship. or like when i realized my other friends left for the dance club without me (allthetime). or when another friend ignored my phone calls and text messages.

clearly, i have great friends.

but really, in situations like this, usually i automatically feel tense. i think, over and over, ‘what did i do? what did i do?‘ i get sick with anxiety, all shaky limbs and upset stomach till i can settle the ‘issue’.

this time i didn’t feel anxious. i never once though, ‘what did i do?’ this time i just smiled. literally. somewhere, deep down there in my heart of hearts, i knew, instinctively that none of this had anything to do with me. none of this is an issue. it is all my friends being stubborn and wrapped up in their own thoughts, ones that are completely separate from me.

and guess what? i am still happy. i am still smiling. yes, i binged and purged this week. but not out of reaction to my friends. i know i am not healed completely, and i know i will most likely have to deal with this my whole life, but today i feel strong and stable. i feel settled and happy although most things in my life should be bringing my down rightaboutnow.

i think i’m just trying to see life through a softer, brighter lens.

and that’s all i’ve got for you today. things are changing. i’m excited to share with you. but i’ve got no time and a northern california coast to drive up (for no real reason other than ‘i want an adventure!’ popped into my head the second i woke up this morning).

have a beautiful sunday and be well. you deserve it <3

best part of your week? best realization?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: oh, and guess whaaaat? my birthday is in twenty days. exactly. but who’s counting )

outside lands and adele make life okay

lemme say one thing: this past weekend rocked my face off.

i’ve never experienced outside lands before and whoa. what an awesome experience! i went with three friends and enjoyed three days of rockin’ music. i feel like this weekend was soul soothing and heart warming and eye opening. what did i do?

i danced. (like crazy).
i discovered phish. (new favorite band!!!)
i ate pizza. (a lot).
i enjoyed the sunshine.
i enjoyed the crowds.
i enjoyed the music.

oh, the music. i saw the black keys (!), phish, john foggerty, !!!, muse, the shins (disappointing live), and phish (for four hours!!!). and that’s not even all of it. so much music!

most of all, i enjoyed the care free spirit i seemed to tote around. nothing really mattered but the sunshine and laughing and music. usually i allow my apprehensions about my body dictate and control my experiences. i often feel uncomfortable and, consequently, unworthy of fun. this weekend taught me that none of that should matter. your body is not your life — it is part of your life. i cannot tell you the amount of time i’ve spent withholding life from myself because i’ve been uncomfortable in my own skin. not this weekend! i just reveled in pure bliss. because i am worthy of it after all.

i ended the weekend at adele which, i can tell you, was fucking amazing. the woman knows how to put on a show! she was so endearing and so sweet and so engaging. and fucking brilliant. her voice live is captivating and incredible. i wish i snagged some pictures but i everything turned out blurry. too bad because the seats were pretty fabulous! anyone ever been to the greek theater in berkeley? it was my first time there and man, what a cool venue!

basically, this weekend was full of awesome. and it was a preview of what burning man is going to be like. oh, have i mentioned that? i’m going to burning man in a week and a half more on that later

now tell me, how was your weekend? ever been to a music festival? how was it!?!

namaste

zoe

self-love…monday?

what happened to sunday? oops!

it got swallowed…by the san francisco food and wine festival!

basically a place full of free drinks and free food. free tickets thanks to my dad (who seems to be giving me tickets to everything lately. thanks dad!!!!). free swag. lots of fun. lots!

(a cocktail i did not finish. i’m such a whimp.)

(but not when it comes to beer!!!)

(a mini-peach dessert! all the plates were mini.)

(cooking demonstrations!)

(and the coolest thing ever: wine holders! cause there was a ton of wine to sample. fo’ real.)

ah, what a day. but not the real point of the post. the real point? ah, what a fucking week. i know the road to self-love and happiness will not be a straight one. i know it will continue to roll out in front of me for an unpredictable amount of time. this week was a testament to that. you know what though? i stumbled along some important revelations (as i’m always inclined to do. you know.)

i never really truly considered myself an emotional binger (yes, i’m talking about this again). i always chalked it up to habit, habit, habit. i never thought emotions dictated my choices. however, i recognized the opposite a few days ago when, in the middle of treating myself so unkindly, i realized i felt nothing. just numb. the overwhelming flood of emotions previously tearing up my insides were gone. and i realized how much i wanted to feel. i wanted to cry, i wanted to scream, i wanted to throw something, i wanted to journal till it hurt to hold the pen. i wanted to allow those emotions to come out of me. i didn’t though. i just stuffed them down. and they’re still there, bound to float up to the surface soon…where they’ll come out for good.

it also dawned on me that this eating disorder (which, i’m sorry to report, has more depth than you know about. it might take some time to be honest about the intensity of this thing.) no longer affects just me. my friend cried to me yesterday about it, telling me she wanted me to be happy, to not hurt anymore. i always kind of assumed that this battle was a private one, with the public posing as beams of support. but no, i’m seeing that this is not the case. eating disorders affect other people. it hurts to see you hurt because you’re deeply loved. if anything, i’m not seeking recovery for just myself anymore, but for the people who love me too. i don’t feel so alone anymore. we’re fighting this together, as cheesy as that sounds.

and now it’s monday. the start of the week and the start of a fresh start. again. i’m going to work hard this week to feel, to allow myself to feel, to sit with feeling uncomfortable, and just fucking breathe. i know i can do it. and if you’re struggling, i know you can do it too.

the best part about your weekend was…?

namaste

zoe