what happened to sunday? oops!
it got swallowed…by the san francisco food and wine festival!
basically a place full of free drinks and free food. free tickets thanks to my dad (who seems to be giving me tickets to everything lately. thanks dad!!!!). free swag. lots of fun. lots!
(a cocktail i did not finish. i’m such a whimp.)
(but not when it comes to beer!!!)
(a mini-peach dessert! all the plates were mini.)
(and the coolest thing ever: wine holders! cause there was a ton of wine to sample. fo’ real.)
ah, what a day. but not the real point of the post. the real point? ah, what a fucking week. i know the road to self-love and happiness will not be a straight one. i know it will continue to roll out in front of me for an unpredictable amount of time. this week was a testament to that. you know what though? i stumbled along some important revelations (as i’m always inclined to do. you know.)
i never really truly considered myself an emotional binger (yes, i’m talking about this again). i always chalked it up to habit, habit, habit. i never thought emotions dictated my choices. however, i recognized the opposite a few days ago when, in the middle of treating myself so unkindly, i realized i felt nothing. just numb. the overwhelming flood of emotions previously tearing up my insides were gone. and i realized how much i wanted to feel. i wanted to cry, i wanted to scream, i wanted to throw something, i wanted to journal till it hurt to hold the pen. i wanted to allow those emotions to come out of me. i didn’t though. i just stuffed them down. and they’re still there, bound to float up to the surface soon…where they’ll come out for good.
it also dawned on me that this eating disorder (which, i’m sorry to report, has more depth than you know about. it might take some time to be honest about the intensity of this thing.) no longer affects just me. my friend cried to me yesterday about it, telling me she wanted me to be happy, to not hurt anymore. i always kind of assumed that this battle was a private one, with the public posing as beams of support. but no, i’m seeing that this is not the case. eating disorders affect other people. it hurts to see you hurt because you’re deeply loved. if anything, i’m not seeking recovery for just myself anymore, but for the people who love me too. i don’t feel so alone anymore. we’re fighting this together, as cheesy as that sounds.
and now it’s monday. the start of the week and the start of a fresh start. again. i’m going to work hard this week to feel, to allow myself to feel, to sit with feeling uncomfortable, and just fucking breathe. i know i can do it. and if you’re struggling, i know you can do it too.
the best part about your weekend was…?