music monday + an announcement

music:

friend loaded this onto my computer a few weeks back. cannotcannotcannot stop listening. i love anything sufjan stevens. so, obviously, i lovelovelove this. in the car, on walks, writing, dancing. any time. it’s lovely.

announcement:

i was waiting for the appropriate time to share this and, well, the time feels right.

a month from today i will be in germany, starting a two and a half month long travel journey.

though i will spend roughly the first 10 days with my dad, we will leave each other in london on april 21st, at which point i will embark on a solo trip. I AM FUCKING STOKED. traveling abroad is a childhood dream, one i’ve been saving for since i starting collecting birthday money before i hit the double digits in age. i am going everywhere i can. every where my bank account can take me. my rough plan puts starts me in england, leads me to ireland, to spain, to southern france, to italy, to switzerland, possibly up through germany again, to belgium, and back to paris, france where i fly out of.

one more time: I AM SO FUCKING STOKED.

for a really long time i thought and believed i needed to travel with another person. for safety purposes, for loneliness purposes, for but i encountered a few problems with that plan. i met two types of people: ones with money but with no balls, and ones with balls but no money. no one ever seemed able to travel with me. i got tired of waiting, of sitting on my steadily growing unrest.

about a month ago my dad told me about a brewery tour his company was flying him out to germany for. the restless creature inside of me perked up. and, well, that was that. i hopped on that trip, not waiting for the consent of my parents because, oh, yeah, i’m an adult and don’t need to do that anymore. i forget that sometimes. honestly, i feel lucky to not be traveling with anyone. there is a freedom in solo journeys you can’t get while traveling with others. i am bound only by my loose plans and the breeze of curiosity. i like to believe that all this time i’ve been spending alone has prepped me some for the quiet days i will face.

am i terrified? yes.
am i excited? fuck yes.

i anticipate learning a lot. i anticipate a few tense moments. mostly though, i anticipate not coming back the same person. that’s all i can really ask for.

i am telling you all this because i am not bringing my computer. i doubt i will blog much, if at all. this trip isn’t about sitting in front of a screen. it’s about exploring sleepy towns, foreign cities, and the depths of my self. it’s about expanding and learning. it’s about fulfilling my 2012 intentions: doing things that scare me the most.

please share any traveling tips, places to see, hostels to stay at. share anything. and know that yes, i know to be safe. i ask you to not scare me like everyone is trying to do.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: why are egg yolks like, so fucking good? mmm dinner.)

can we talk about gifts?

so, remember when i set the intention to be more open?

(source)
to, you know, receive the abundance of my life?

(i blabbered about that, right?)

well, can we talk about a the gift the universe dumped on me today?

it was kind of fucking great.

remember when i got home from burning man and talked and talked and continued to talk about dancing? i am pretty sure in the middle of all that talk, i declared pretty passionately “i found my soul on the dance floor“?

well. i really wasn’t kidding.

’cause i recognized my soul again today on the hardwood dance floor of my kitchen.

did i ever tell you i wanted to be a ballerina when i was kid? (like almost every other five-year-old girl). but i devoted my body to soccer instead. years and years of nothing but chasing a ball. yes, i loved it. but i still loved dance, too.

(source)
i envied a childhood friend who danced ballet as long as i played soccer. she claimed she wasn’t the best, something about her feet. i always thought she was beautiful.

and free. so, so free.

did i ever tell you how much i hate reality t.v shows but how much i love, love, love so you think you can dance? and how i cry every episode? the only formal dancing i’ve ever seen was a ballet in first grade (i fell asleep) and the dancing of my childhood friend. so of course i sat for long, long weeks in front of the television, pointing always to every dancer and saying, “that’s fucking beautiful.” (because i am really graceful, too).

did i ever tell you when i was a kid i created dances with my friends and performed them for my mom? and the kids at my day care? (surprisingly, i had a lot of friends).

did i ever tell you how i believe in past lives (more on that another time)? i do. and i was definitely a dancer a one point. i feel that down to my bones. (why else would my knees hyper extend and why else can i balance so well and make nice lines? useless talents?)

so, no wonder i envy dancers. dancers are artists who create with their bodies. there are stories in those moves. colors. images. i wanted that.

(source)
last summer i reconnected with the dancer in me again. we rejoiced in an open desert. then, she left.

and came back today. we visited, fell in love all over again. she whispered to me, “just move”. for one, solid song i thought nothing. not a single fucking thought. i just moved. but even that’s not quite right. something moved me.

kind of how something spills words into my conscious and asks for a transcriber. something about writing in a fluid trance isn’t just me. there’s something working through me to paint the world in words. something worked through me today in the kitchen. i opened up and received liberation. and when i came to, wheezing with exertion, i cried.

rain clouds spilled. from the couch i watched rain drop through sun rays. ever the scientific genius, i smiled and said, “i bet there’s a rainbow outside!” and promptly ran/tumbled/walked to the window. to see a streak of rainbow, bright above the hill.

then i cried a little bit more.

(because i am cheesy and think everything has meaning).

how do YOU see your soul?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i wrote this yesterday)

(p.p.s: the best, best, best part? usually after any dancing i walk around with a sore, inflamed low back. yesterday (and today!) not only do i feel no pain, but i feel strength!)

(p.p.p.s: happy valentine day. to be honest, i am not a fan. for various reasons (maybe i’ll discuss this tomorrow?) but mainly because i believe in loving every day. regardless, have a beautiful, love-filled, chocolate-and-rose-fueled day!)

here is my heart’s song in some words

as the early days of 2012 pass by, the clearer my purpose becomes.

my dreams look less fuzzy. i feel less fuzzy. ideas tangle themselves up in thoughts, merge together to present me a sharp image of the future. i am dreaming big dreams right now. i am cultivating patience. i am watering my flower of persistence with it. i forget sometimes i am twenty-two and unbound by responsibility. i forget i am standing at the base of my life with no need to rush.

above all, i am learning i am a slow mover.

a friend explained his inner clockwork to me the other day, spoke of the pace of his personal metronome. i smiled in the slow way a stoner does and tried to understand. i made no sense of it, though i did pretend to. i listened instead of spoke because how do you relate to a conversation you never discussed with yourself? two days ago though, a potcookie and sunshine kind of day, i recognized my inner beat, saw i always knew it. i understood the workings of my inner clock.

i like to take my time. i weigh possibilities, consider both sides of every coin i flip (no, i’m not a libra, why do you ask ?). i am a slow mover, methodical in all i do. each decision breeds more indecision and i round into conclusions too slow for most people. but the way i tick works for me. what’s the point in subscribing to someone else’s laws?

i know slow, relaxing movement helps me reflect and sink into the non-judgemental person i am (why do you think i live for yoga and hiking and dancing and long walks?). when i allow myself to no breeze through things, i find i try more willingly and laugh at all the things i trip over (cooking isn’t a science, folks). when i slow down i appreciate life because i see the little things. i suddenly have the time to stop and spend five minutes photographing the sunset. i find i smile a lot more, breathe deeply, easily. i am less irritable, less critical of myself and friends and family. and i am, over all, more peaceful and more creative. the more creative i am, the more i release. the more i release, the stronger in self and happier in soul i become.

when i rush or force i end up sick. i end up sleepy, over hungry, jittery. self-care shuts off and i end up feeling foggy from childish choices, one dictated under the crown of poor judgement. i lose gratitude, acceptance, love, and openness. in their place grows lack, self-indulgence, judgement and impatience. i lose the time to sit, wonder at my abundance, and breathe.

i learned a long time ago my life’s purpose involves helping other people. my life’s constant lesson is to continue in a solid practice of self-care in order to help people. when my life is calm, and i am steady and well, i can truly involve myself. i can extend to others a genuine love and an authentic heart. through self-love i can offer love. i can accept love.

to give love, however, one must be love first. 2012 will be the year i start my spiritual quest to dig up the love i buried long ago. 2012 will be the year i learn how to love myself — truly. 2012 will be the year of self-transformation — on the inside. 2012 will be the year i slow down and discover myself completely. because i want so desperately to bring light and love into lives who know only darkness and cold. i just need to thread myself together a little tighter first.

i believe in the presence of souls. i believe in mine as much as i believe in yours. intuition breathes truths from your soul, your highest self. real knowledge hides itself in there. real love, real light, real happiness. it’s up to us to tap into that wealth and spread it.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: and that, my friends, felt like the most authentic thing i’ve ever written on my little space in the blog world.)

help, i’m alive (self-love sunday version)

i’m alive!

silent since january third but bubbling over with words the whole time. i missed the freedom of unloading onto a screen at the days end. i missed talking into space and seeing who replied. i missed sharing and communicating. i missed blogging for a second, sure, but not enough to trade the last five days for much.

basically, i spent the past five days in san francisco under an umbrella of blue sky paired with temperatures hovering somewhere in the low 60′s. i spent it surrounded by positive, loving, compassionate, passionate people. i spent it chatting over sidewalk cafe breakfasts and in kitchens cooking homemade vegan meals. i spent it laughing, loving, relaxing.

i am overwhelmingly blessed. i am overwhelmingly thankful. i am expanding and releasing and reveling, building up and breaking down. life rarely makes sense but right now, i understand its lessons a little more deeply. i feel plugged in again. ready to embrace it all — the good, the bad, and all the little bits in between. i feel ready to leave the past behind and step, finally, into this new chapter i’ve been trying to write for two years.

i have so much to write. so much to babble about. i’ll save that for another time. for now, simply enjoy your weekend. appreciate your blessings and where you are right now. the state of your soul is always beautiful

namaste

zoe

finding your passion

i graduated college a year ago this december.

last december i turned in my final final paper, laughed maniacally whilst stifling screams and tears. finally, freedom. funny thing though, this new-found freedom. it was freedom yes, but not in the story-book sense i understood.

school no longer bound me to schedules and stress. late nights and tests and registration no longer occupied my mind. no one told me what to do. no one assigned me work with assumed expectations. the semester following my final semester, i lost myself. the wide-open time (oh, so much time) scared me. no one expected anything from me anymore. with no papers or exams or school to look forward to, i sunk into a depression. my whole life i listened to other people. i followed a close routine: school, winter break, school, summer break repeatrepeatrepeat till age twenty-one. with that foundation suddenly dissolved from under me, i collapsed onto something rocky and unformed.

as i stood there, newly graduated and newly born into the “real world”, i felt alone. so alone. i choose to stay in my college town, choose to stay surrounded by friends i no longer related to and who no longer related to me. school occupied their days. free time and work occupied mine. their stresses and struggles were not my own. communicating the deep sadness and confusion welling inside of me was difficult, nearly impossible even. not only were the friends i loved (and still love) unable to empathize with me, but their school oriented focus kept them from trying.

family and friends asked me continuously what my next move was. i never knew how to answer because “i don’t know” brought uncomfortable “ohs” and nods accompanied with arched eyebrows and mouths downturned in withheld judgement. i always threw out ideas of what i might consider pursuing but never anything i really felt attached to.

no one tells you this: after college, you’ll have no idea what the fuck to do. you’ll have ideas and urges and wants. maybe some of you know how to escape the awkward transition period between college and therestofyourlife. you’re lucky, you select few. but the majority of us new college graduates have no idea what direction to turn. i wish someone told me this was okay and normal. because, really, how do you know what you’re going to want to do at twenty-one?

i am only (newly) twenty-two now. but in the year since i graduated, i have experienced so much and learned lessons beyond explanation. i took the time to figure out myself and my true desires before i arrived at what feels like a solid trailhead to the rest of my life. i took the time to find my own path, not the path others wanted to push me on to.

figuring out what you want to do is not easy. it will most likely not involve the degree you worked so hard to earn. but figuring out what you want to do can happen. listen to your heart, your intuition. discover what excites you. uncover what ignites your passion and follow it to the source. i am a firm believer in doing what you believe in and doing what you love. sometimes, it takes a long time to figure out just what, exactly, your ‘thing‘ is. sometimes it takes a lot of trial and error. but never be afraid to start over. a life without passion is just that — passionless. so find yours. live fully. live passionate. live the life you want to live, not the life you think you should live.

There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.
Nelson Mandela

namaste

zoe

(p.s: this is a hint. decisions and plans are being made. things are happening but not quite yet. not to the point where there is news to be shared. only hints.)