music monday

i cannot tell you how important music is to me.

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honestly, i don’t know where i would be if my ipod was some how not in my life. probably lost and confused. mhm.

the song i want to share with you today is one by a band i’ve loved for a long time, though i’ve only just recently got this particular onto my ipod (the horror!). the song got me through last week and i’m pretty sure it will get me through many more weeks to come.

WHAT WOULD I WANT? SKY — ANIMAL COLLECTIVE

lyrics (because the words are just that important you need to read them)

Good dreams
Sky
What would I want? Sky
Is everything alright?
You feeling moldy?
You feeling lonely?
You’re not the only
Is everything alright?
You feeling stormy?
You feeling phony?
You’re not the only
Do you get up up up?
Clouds stop and move above me
Too bad they can’t help me
What is the right way?
Do I float up up up?
When I stop and look around me,
Gray’s where that color should be,
What is the right way?
Old glasses clinking and a new order’s blinking
And I, I should be floating but I’m weighted by thinking
That I got on the river,
Really can’t make it change,
When the sky gets filled up too fast
And the taxi man’s saying, “You better
Give me some money,
Stop daydreaming, dude!”
When the point of horizon is hiding from you,
What would you want, sky?
What would I want? Sky
Is everything alright?
You feeling lonely?
You feeling moldy?
You’re not the only
Is everything alright?
You feeling stormy?
You feeling phony?
You’re not the only
(Are you taking it lightly?
Lost in the flurry
You start to worry
You will be buried
Taking it lightly
And so you hurry
And then you worry
Here come those flurries)
Do you get up up up?
Clouds stop and move above me
Too bad they can’t help me
What is the right way?
Do I float up up up?
When I stop and look around me,
Gray’s where that color should be,
What is the right way?
(Taking it lightly?
Lost in the flurry
You start to worry
You will be buried
Taking it lightly
And so you hurry
And then you worry
Here come those flurries)
Old glasses clinking and a new order’s blinking
And I, I should be floating but I’m weighted by thinking
I’m a fly on the river,
Gotta make me some change,
When the sky gets filled up too fast
And the taxi cab’s waiting, you better
Give him some money,
Stop daydreaming, dude,
When the point of horizon is hiding its blues
What would you want, sky?
What would I want? Sky

namaste

zoe

music monday + an announcement

music:

friend loaded this onto my computer a few weeks back. cannotcannotcannot stop listening. i love anything sufjan stevens. so, obviously, i lovelovelove this. in the car, on walks, writing, dancing. any time. it’s lovely.

announcement:

i was waiting for the appropriate time to share this and, well, the time feels right.

a month from today i will be in germany, starting a two and a half month long travel journey.

though i will spend roughly the first 10 days with my dad, we will leave each other in london on april 21st, at which point i will embark on a solo trip. I AM FUCKING STOKED. traveling abroad is a childhood dream, one i’ve been saving for since i starting collecting birthday money before i hit the double digits in age. i am going everywhere i can. every where my bank account can take me. my rough plan puts starts me in england, leads me to ireland, to spain, to southern france, to italy, to switzerland, possibly up through germany again, to belgium, and back to paris, france where i fly out of.

one more time: I AM SO FUCKING STOKED.

for a really long time i thought and believed i needed to travel with another person. for safety purposes, for loneliness purposes, for but i encountered a few problems with that plan. i met two types of people: ones with money but with no balls, and ones with balls but no money. no one ever seemed able to travel with me. i got tired of waiting, of sitting on my steadily growing unrest.

about a month ago my dad told me about a brewery tour his company was flying him out to germany for. the restless creature inside of me perked up. and, well, that was that. i hopped on that trip, not waiting for the consent of my parents because, oh, yeah, i’m an adult and don’t need to do that anymore. i forget that sometimes. honestly, i feel lucky to not be traveling with anyone. there is a freedom in solo journeys you can’t get while traveling with others. i am bound only by my loose plans and the breeze of curiosity. i like to believe that all this time i’ve been spending alone has prepped me some for the quiet days i will face.

am i terrified? yes.
am i excited? fuck yes.

i anticipate learning a lot. i anticipate a few tense moments. mostly though, i anticipate not coming back the same person. that’s all i can really ask for.

i am telling you all this because i am not bringing my computer. i doubt i will blog much, if at all. this trip isn’t about sitting in front of a screen. it’s about exploring sleepy towns, foreign cities, and the depths of my self. it’s about expanding and learning. it’s about fulfilling my 2012 intentions: doing things that scare me the most.

please share any traveling tips, places to see, hostels to stay at. share anything. and know that yes, i know to be safe. i ask you to not scare me like everyone is trying to do.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: why are egg yolks like, so fucking good? mmm dinner.)

music monday + monday lessons

mmm monday.

(san francisco on saturday on random street walks with my friend)

a light breeze, fat clouds, sunshine kind of monday.

i woke up intending to work out the whole day because i ate cake last night and militant, dictator zoe ordered it to be done. under strict authority, i laced up tennis shoes after i slipped out of my sheets and dreamy early morning haze. i skipped breakfast too for good measure. funny how plans figure their way out, though.

because the television spazzed out. and my brother came home sick from school. and my stomach grumbled loudly. and i picked up a pen and undid my tennis shoes. and i wrote into my journal. and i realized: “i still think my weight matters in the measure of happiness. so i still chase it as being the problem of all my problems” (journal quotes). silly anxious and negative self. it’s just cake, not the devil. calm yourself.

so i ate some breakfast, ate some more cake, laced up my tennis shoes, and took the walk i actually wanted. i listened to two pod-casts, did some yoga in the park under the sun, felt the grass beneath my feet. three or so hours later i am home, rested and happy and not thinking about that cake from last night or the cake from earlier. just how awesome my legs feel and how settled my heart is in my chest.

and how awesome this song is.

because i am in love with bon iver.

and mondays, for that matter.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: please don’t steal my photos. thanks!)

music monday

music makes monday so much better.

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or, really, any day better.

before the music though, an astrology announcement:

(because i nerd out over shit the stars tell us)

we transitioned into pisces today so the mood’s all dreamy and spiritual and light and dark all at the same time. i feel happy, calm, motivated, and creative right now. the spiritual energy we wade through under pisces’ influence can be difficult to manage. advice: go with the flow.

if you’re interested at all, i highly recommend checking out here and here. they’ll explain it all a bit better than me, i think!

okay.

nerd session over.

music:

feist! honestly, i generally have to be a feist mood to listen to her…but not with this song! i could listen to this all day. every day.

and, because it’s monday and because monday can have to potential to be lame, here’s a remix of the above song by another guy i love. boyz noize is just one dude from germany and he fucking kills it. i heard this version of my moon, my man first, actually! (warning: this one may not be for everyone. heh…)

may the start of your monday be all kiiiiinds of musical!

namaste

zoe

music monday + HUGStronger

mmmm, the promise of a new week!

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kicking it off with beautiful music always helps wash away those monday blues.

today imma introduce you to phantogram.

i first heard phantogram over the summer when i spent three blissful days at outside lands in san francisco. a friend i was with at the festival loved them and took me to see them. recently, the same friend included them on a CD she made for me. um.

i’m hooked.

the band consists of two people, a man and a woman. they’re flipping awesome. i’ll start you off with the first song i ever heard and let you adventure a little more if you choose to. (choose to).

MOUTHFUL OF DIAMONDS :: PHANTOGRAM

before i wrap up and wish you a pleasant monday, i want to share something else. over the weekend a reader named kaleigh e-mailed me about blog community she started for young women in college: HUGStronger. i took a peek around the site and all i have to say is this: i wish i had a community like HUGStronger when i was in school!

instead of me trying to sum up what HUGStronger stands for, i will allow kaleigh’s own words to explain:

Kaleigh Somers’s college years were plagued by periods of personal doubt and depression, issues with body image, and academic obsessions.

To help empower college students and reassure them that they are not alone in their struggles, be those personal, professional, academic, or athletic, she developed HUGstronger, a content-driven blog community that operates on the belief that honest, authentic storytelling can change the world. The site categorizes posts into relationship struggles, being away from home, health issues, fitting in, academics, and letters to undergraduates in the same field of study.

HUGstronger launched on January 9, 2012 with a team of more than twenty writers. Updated daily, the site continues to drive new visitors as it reaches across the country—Michigan and Iowa, New York and Georgia—and across the globe—Australia, the United Kingdom, India and the Philippines.

“My close friends from home and school were struggling with extreme dieting, sexual promiscuity, panic disorders and suicidal thoughts,” says founder Kaleigh Somers. “I couldn’t sit back and let that drive their college experiences, and I knew empowered storytelling could change that.”

In just ten years, the number of women battling anorexia has increased by more than 75 percent. In the last year alone, bullying-related suicide has dominated the national news. Depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues are rising at dramatic rates. Now, more than ever, undergrads need support.

The HUGstronger team believes young adults need to rise up against the biggest issues they face, but first they must know the team is here, extending a hand, offering them a virtual hug.

On January 30, HUGstronger launched a campaign on IndieGoGo to increase marketing efforts and pay for site redesign costs. Within a week, the team had already raised more than a third of its goal and donations continue to flood in.

College-aged individuals can read informative, empowering posts by like-minded individuals at www.hugstronger.com . They can also submit their stories , share how they’ve helped others grow since coming to college, and join the HUGstronger team .

HUGstronger continues to seek new writers to join the team and contribute on a one-time or regular basis. The more stories shared, the more likely readers will connect with the team and its mission.

can we talk about amazing people? because kaleigh is definitely one of them. a lot of girls and young women struggle silently in college. we feel disconnected and isolated in our problems. we don’t know how to speak up and speak out. kaleigh has not only created a platform for this, but a community as well. you’ll find people to connect with, people to share with, people who understand. take a look around HUGStronger. fight for what you believe in and fight against all you don’t. doing it with other people makes the cause that much stronger.

one more time for good measure: HUGStronger.

have a lovely monday!

namaste

zoe

music monday

remember when i did this?

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i am the most inconsistent person i know.

sorry.

i am not goal oriented. i am not a list person. i am not organized (at all).

i am terribly afraid of commitment. on all levels. i never really want to be — it just happens. it just is, always has been.

i’m working on it.

because structure is good, right?

right…

recently, a friend dumped truck loads of music into my life. considering i was basically listening to the same, oh, thirty or so songs on repeat, the newness was entirely welcomed. entirely.

especially when i discovered this band. over and over and over again.

on walks, in the kitchen, while showering, and dancing around the house…

i am utterly head over heels in love with local natives.

madly, passionately, crazy over their words, their sounds, their rhythm. i try to temper this musical addiction, promise i will go a day without listening but then…well, i am not one to ever possess much will power.

start here.

then move on to every other song. (hint: you can listen to them all on their website. doitdoitdoit.)

especially this one.

especially.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: see? i promise i do have a life outside of this fucking eating disorder bullshit. i want to change my perspective. i’ll write to you about that soon, i think.

p.p.s: anyone have any suggestions about how to calm anxiety? i am crazy acidic anxious today for various (very dumb) reasons, luckily without urges to hurt myself with food or other things. is simply sitting with this okay? that’s normal too, right?)

resettling

unhappy waves returned.

(a san francisco sunset the other day.)

a few days ago, actually. the high of the early year left my system. reality plucked me up by the head and dropped me on me ass. just to say, “yes, all this shit is still here, and yes, you still need to deal with it.” well, universe, i hear you.

though i feel better today, i am still aware of how delicate this space is. i am still working out balancing, releasing, and moving forward. i am still managing my anxiety too which, honestly, can be a huge battle (one i never really discuss here). to tell you the truth, the past few days saw very little self-love. i definitely back slid a little bit. poor choices made out of the depths of self-doubt served me no purpose, except to unhinge me.

i think though, we all need to be unhinged from time to time. someone is asking you to really consider your reactions. each time i am presented with a difficulty, whether it be an emotion or a situation, i am challenged to respond from a place of self-compassion. as a life-long self-hater, responding gently is not easy. at all. but the fact that i am aware of what triggers me and of how i naturally react allows me to slow down, breathe, and consider my options. i no longer feel like a roaring, whirling hurricane of emotion hellbent on destroying my sanity. one bad day will not offset the rest of my week or the rest of my month anymore. though i fucked up yesterday (really) i love myself enough to be well today. i am not shrugging and telling myself “what’s the use?” i am shrugging and telling myself “that was yesterday, this is today.” every moments offers you a new step in a positive direction.

the more i stumble into hard to swallow emotional situations, the more i see how old habits no longer suit me. i find my body asking for things like yoga, bubble baths, and long walks. and music. somuchmusic. frantic moments don’t leave me standing in front of an open fridge or hunched over a bag of this or a carton of that. i am recreating myself, mindful moment by mindful moment. i am reentering my body, reorienting myself with the space i occupy (who knew it was so hard to feel your body! seriously though.). i am taking control of the things i can control and releasing the idea of controlling the things i cannot control (like the future, outcomes, and expectations.).

this isn’t easy. but this is the work i need to do right now. if i am not centered and okay with myself, i am anxious, critical, edgy, and rash with other people. before i move forward with relationships or big moves or achieving dreams, i first need to deal with myself. i don’t know how long this is going to take but i know that patience is on my side. no matter how dark some days get around here, there is always a light i can focus on. considering how lost i used to be in my tunnel of darkness, i am pretty satisfied with the occasional dimly light day. because i know it’s just that: occasional.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i totally finished putting together my space last night. best hippie den yet! it’s comfortable, relaxing, and sort of like a little retreat for me. isn’t that what personal spaces are supposed to be? i am trying to take care of the space around me, as i am a firm believer in how much your outer space reflects your inner space. calm and collected = neat and organized. crazy and whirring = messy as all hell.

what you don’t see: john lennon on the back of my door. a wall full of hats. a treadmill (bleh, no where else to put it. it found its home in my room when i left for college). a dresser with a tv (not used. will use for treadmill walks once it starts raining). another tapestry. my jewelry holder. different colored walls. yup. it’s shaping up to be the best room i’ve ever lived in. i love decorating!)

(p.p.s: THANK YOU for the responses yesterday. sososo appreciated. you all are the best. just so you know )

babbling

the sad slump isn’t over yet.

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from what i understand, a lot of people have been in questionable moods lately (i blame the full mood and mercury retrograde. feel free to call me a looney.). i am feeling curt and cross and unbelievably sensitive today (and terribly, terribly acid reflux-ey). sometimes i feel like two people: one calm and steady, the other fiery and aggressive.

the funniest part is, i know why i am down and i know how to remedy it. the only thing keeping me from helping myself is, well, myself. i’m starting to understand that, in order to move forward in a more positive direction, i really need to hunker down and commit to shit. i read my tarot cards last night in a health spread (again, call me crazy if you want. buut…i’ll just mention that i’ve proved every skeptic wrong so far ). they basically confirmed for me everything i’ve been thinking: be gentle, be committed, be patience, be open, and believe in the good things because they’re coming. the biggest one for me is commitment. if i view something as a “failure” i only focus on the “failure” instead of the bigger picture. i cannot allow one small set back to deter me from pursuing my hopes and dreams.

though i woke up down and out, i still did things to help along my mood and reinvigorate myself. i ate breakfast (though i desperately didn’t want to). i ate lunch. i ate protein. i worked out. and i listened to music. something about music always, always, always soothes. there is always some melody, some words, some beat to connect with during any given mood.

so, i figure i’ll end it here today. not much to say (though, oddly enough, there is so much to say…just not in a fluid, non-rambling way). i will leave you with the song that started my day today. i hope you like it. it feels sleepy and dreamy and kinda sway-with-you-eyes-closed.

namaste

zoe

tunes for tuesday

(because i forgot about music monday)

aqueous transmission by incubus

did you see the words by animal collective

…and while we’re at it, let’s throw in daily routine, too.

tymps (the sick in the head song) by fiona apple

sleeping lessons by the shins

crystalised by the xx

and, since no day is complete without a little beatles, why don’t we do it in the road?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i officially give up on pinterest.)

i weighed myself

oops…

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here comes a long one…

i haven’t weighed myself in months. months. not to say i haven’t been tempted, though. i didn’t plan it. it happened because curiosity got the better of me while using the bathroom at my parent’s house. and i can’t quite say i’m terribly upset, either.

i know a number is a number and a woman and her body are not defined by where the little red line stops at but…

it’s not easy knowing this number. it’s not easy carting it around, up there in that brain of mine. sometimes it mingles with the disordered talk of my ED, makes me call myself names and doubt myself and feel uncomfortable, large, unworthy, ugly, and unloveable.

the sad part? i’m sure some of you lovelies think the same thoughts. who (or what?) the hell taught us to think the same way when we live cities and states and countries apart? what prompts us to think so poorly of ourselves and start believing weight loss will help us find the self-confidence we lost somewhere during the first moments of body consciousness?

i am so sick of fat-talk, self directed or otherwise. i am tired of body snarking and the obsession with the excess flesh of other people. i am tired of the body standards and the eating disorders and lack of self-love. i am tired of listening to the beautiful, warm, lovely women in my life use sharp, nasty words on themselves. am i wrong to think the problem only seems to be worsening? young women (and women of all ages, really) seem so devoid of self-love, self-confidence, and self-acceptance. the idea that we’re collectively suffering under the weight of our own hatred hurts my heart.

who taught us to feel so poorly about ourselves? who taught us to scrutinize every square inch?

in my world i can point to my mother. i can point to my aunts, to my cousins. i can point to my grandmother. i can point to the boy who called me fat in the fifth grade. i can point to the nine year old me on the scale for P.E and the circle of girl friends reassuring me i wasn’t the heaviest one. i can point to developing early. i can point to movies and magazines and thin girls in high school. i can point to the first rocky year of college.

do you ever stop to think, maybe it was me?

yes, people and society introduced me to the culture of women (and subsequent self-hatred), but i chose to educate myself. i chose to read magazines full of weight loss tips and healthy eating guides. i chose to listen to the idle chatter of weighty matters among my female relatives. i chose to participate in the ritual of tearing the self down, of believing in the holy bible of negative talk.

which stirs me to ask myself, by body bashing am i participating in a cycle?

do i continue the tradition of women every time i call myself fat, useless, and hideous? what am i showing younger girls (and girls my own age)? what am i telling them to think, about themselves and others? what kind of girl can gather confidence when her only role models choose to disregard self-love and self-acceptance? no kind of girl, really.

no woman deserves to feel so vehemently opposed to her body. a body houses your soul, the true beauty of your being. from your soul comes your heart, your warmth. our bodies protect us.

i guess i should thank the scale, perhaps, for triggering the race of my thoughts. the good and the bad. i guess i should thank the scale of reaffirming just how far in positive thinking i am progressing. i guess i should thank the scale, also, for gently reminding me to truly take my health seriously.

…honestly though, i should really thank the scale for reminding me of how utterly useless it is.

namaste

zoe

[EDIT: bah, i'm so inconsistent! i forgot today is MUSIC MONDAY! let's share the tunes, shall we?

today i bring you one from an amazing musical woman. the one, the only janis joplin! i unfortunately some how ended up without her music on my ipod. my roomie gave me one song though...and i can't. stop. listening to it. or belting it as loud as i can. in the car, in my house, on my bike...

janis joplin -- piece of my heart
]