a story about silence

i remember the television blaring on all days of my childhood.

(source)
i remember the radio announcer speaking to my mom as she primped and primed herself for the day.

i remember music in my ears on the bus, as i did homework, while i read.

i remember words without meaning pouring into gaps in conversation.

i remember anything to cover up the silence.

the absence of noise woke the fear in my mind. the fear unfolded stories about ghosts in every creak of my wooden home, about loneliness amplified, about unwanted thoughts staging an attack. noise blanketed the drop offs into the unknown so that i never quite dropped. much like the characters in kurt vonnegut’s short story “welcome to the monkey house”, sound severed my thoughts from growing. i remained distracted, anxious for the next silent moment.

i went to a jesuit high school, one that required its students to attend retreats with religious tones. as a girl opposed to religion and anything remotely religious, i entered retreats a fairly closed-minded skeptic. especially my senior year, the longest of the retreats. for four days a random chunk of my senior class and i embarked on this journey. which, along with talk of jesus, spirituality, and life-in-general, included meals. eaten in silence.

imagine.

dining tables lined with seventeen and eighteen year old kids wiggling in discomfort with eyes focused solely on food, with minds shrieking WHAT THE FUCK. ears catch the only sounds to be caught: cutlery against plates, food against teeth.

no one knew how to navigate the soundscape of silence.

i struggled to understand the purpose. what did silence at the dinner table do for me? what purpose did swallowing my food and my words serve? i wanted to talk to my friends. to laugh. to compare notes. but retreat leaders kept our vocal chords at rest.

i graduated high school in 2007. yet, it is now, in 2012, that i understand the beauty in silence.

silence removes distraction, allows for intentions to become clear, for thoughts to manifest fully instead of getting lost in music notes or t.v banter. thoughts become a lot less scary when you hear them out. loneliness somehow melts away, too. you hear your heart in the quiet. you see yourself as alive, as connected. not alone. never alone.

a space without excess noise brings me a sense of calm, too. though it used to bring me anxiety (and sometimes still does, especially in conversation). i feel much more relaxed here, sitting on the couch writing, listening only to the wind talk with the birds and the house clock tick in the dining room. i am comfortable. not anxious. not scared.

there is a reason i find solace in the mountains.
there is a reason i will settle down on a hillside some day when i’m grown up.

like any other habit, adjusting to silence takes time. you cannot understand the importance of silence in a day. it took me about five years to scratch the surface and i am still exploring. be curious anyway, even if you’re impatient (like me). practice at living in silence. explore its depths. see what happens.

i think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at what you uncover.

namaste

zoe

music monday + monday lessons

mmm monday.

(san francisco on saturday on random street walks with my friend)

a light breeze, fat clouds, sunshine kind of monday.

i woke up intending to work out the whole day because i ate cake last night and militant, dictator zoe ordered it to be done. under strict authority, i laced up tennis shoes after i slipped out of my sheets and dreamy early morning haze. i skipped breakfast too for good measure. funny how plans figure their way out, though.

because the television spazzed out. and my brother came home sick from school. and my stomach grumbled loudly. and i picked up a pen and undid my tennis shoes. and i wrote into my journal. and i realized: “i still think my weight matters in the measure of happiness. so i still chase it as being the problem of all my problems” (journal quotes). silly anxious and negative self. it’s just cake, not the devil. calm yourself.

so i ate some breakfast, ate some more cake, laced up my tennis shoes, and took the walk i actually wanted. i listened to two pod-casts, did some yoga in the park under the sun, felt the grass beneath my feet. three or so hours later i am home, rested and happy and not thinking about that cake from last night or the cake from earlier. just how awesome my legs feel and how settled my heart is in my chest.

and how awesome this song is.

because i am in love with bon iver.

and mondays, for that matter.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: please don’t steal my photos. thanks!)

self-love sunday

before i start a recap of sorts:

(flowers on a walk the other day)

today my little brother turns eighteen.

kind of like cinderella pulling her whole transformation, my brother is an adult now (though not in a dress and carriage-made-from-pumpkin), suddenly. an adult. like, legal. which is weird because i remember when he was born, how little he was in my own little arms.

to commemorate the occasion, i am making chili bread bowls, per his request. and cake. because birthdays are not birthdays without cake in my eyes.

yup.

anyway.

so, i am working on friendships. on connecting and reconnecting with people who truly, deeply matter. often times we chase friendships or people who clearly show no interest in slowing their retreat. we wonder, “why am i left behind?” while the solids in our lives trail us, wondering “why doesn’t she turn around?”.

confession: i am a die-hard chaser.

i pour attention and affection into friendships my intuition chirps are “one sided”. i did it in early friendships. i did it in high school. i did it in college. i do it now. worrying about how i stand in the lives of part-time friends prompts the burn of anxiety. of loneliness. of depression. it also hurts the real friendships i have, as those true sources of joy distance themselves, shaking their heads at my breathless game of catch and release.

slowly i am understanding the need to balance the energy i put into relationships, including the one i hold with myself. i cannot give away my reserves so quickly, so willingly, so entirely to people.

i spent a lot of time with old friends this week (ones from college and one from high school). i noticed the goofy ultra-dork reemerging. easily and naturally. there was never a sense of “am i good enough?“, only “god i missed this”. i did not experience a need to be anyone other than the person i am, to prove something my mind made up. there was no judgement. no anxiety. just a lot of laughter.

i know i am never alone. i know a lot of the time i think myself into a space for one and tell myself no one cares (not true). i am getting there, though. realizing i make myself alone when i concentrate on those part-time friends, when i forget all those beautiful people in my life who are, always, open and willing to embrace me when i need it the most, not when it suits their schedules.

do you ever find yourself worrying over relationships that bring you more unease than ease?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: did any of that make sense? i feel like that was a bunch of word-vomit.)

self-love sunday

i don’t even know where to start today.

a lot happened this week. words, however, are not lending themselves to me, rendering me a writer without expression. i’m just a big ball of feeling.

i am learning to trust my feelings, to question my thoughts. to listen to the whispers of the heart, not the analytical murmurings of a brain. i forget i live in my heart, too.

today, on two feet with arms stretched to the sky, i am open to the world and the universe and abundance. last night, a momentary ‘pop’ released pain in my left shoulder. pain i’ve carried for months. the night before i went to a restorative yoga class and cried. i am releasing.

i am creating space.

i am opening.

i keep thinking, “i don’t know what ought to be.”

over and over.

among other things.

(found in jan spiller’s book cosmic love…or astrology for the soul, i can’t remember. i stumbled across this the other day in a bookstore. i sat there and read for an hour).

love inflates the emptiness felt feelings leave behind.

i breathe deeper. fuller.

there is still salt in the sea water of my life. still waves i navigate. but i am buoyed to a warm, steady happiness.

i am learning how to float.

what are you learning?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: thanks for the comments on the last post. you’re all so supportive and awesome. thankyouthankyouthankyou. i have a lot more to say about voice and speaking and discovering. soon enough!)

how are YOU?

you know when you start sinking into your troubles and nothing else quite matters?

(source)
you shuffle around, kick your heels some.
the world looses a bit of its color.
you keep shuffling, you sigh,
sing the one note tune of the blues.

then.

well then someone calls and says, “hey man, i’m going through it. i need to talk.”

or you listen to street side conversations about cars wrecks and souls lost.

and you go home later to see on the news stories about a fire that swallowed a house and two men.

it’s like the universe nudging you a little, saying, “you’re not the only one who carries sadness.”

it’s like the universe going, “see yourself in the world, not the world in yourself.”

we all carry sadness. and

sometimes i forget.

i get lost in my maze of thoughts and emotions, zig-zaggig myself into tight corners with no outlets. i weep sad stories to friends for long, drawn out minutes. yet, as the tale comes to a close, i forget the next question: how are YOU?

i admit it: i’m a human. (and it gets better!) with flaws.

when i am sad, i forget to slow down, sip a long, deep breath into my lungs, and ground myself.
i forget to take a short survey of my life, all its abundance.
i forget to ask myself the important question: “is this really worth stressing out over?“
i forget to ask others: “tell me how you are, what’s going on inside you?“

i am learning how to receive. or, rather, wake up to all i am denying. like all the love, beauty, and warmth. sometimes i ask myself when did i grow so ungrateful? so stubborn? so impatient? when did i forget the lives of others? when did i stop asking, how are you?

i never stopped caring. i just lost myself in myself. how do i expect to feel love if i don’t give love?

so.

how are you, love?

namaste

zoe

i think…

i think i spend too much time on the computer.

or, rather, in front of a screen.

i enjoy life the most while out engaging. experiencing. exploring. busy sunlight hours, peaceful moonlight hours, my ideal schedule. lately though, life’s pace has shifted. late nights lead to late mornings. early afternoon mimics a typical morning and ten p.m plays early evening for a few hours. sleep comes in the first few hours of the new day, gently releasing me an hour before noon. sleep exists in broken hours and splintered dreams. i am always tired. inside, my spirit vibrates, grows restless in its dull cage, the heavy limbs and heavy energy its nuisances, its keepers.

i am not paying much mind to self-care. the word ‘stagnant’ burns in my mind like some endlessly dying ember. stagnant routine. stagnant energy. stagnant thoughts. the spirit i mentioned? asks for something different. asks for risks. asks for yoga. asks for connection. for rest, laughter, love. but i live in hollow buildings built on old beliefs. i lock myself into rooms of ideas too full to accept any one new. i am not comfortable here, pinched between these old fears grossly inflated by their sense of importance.

for the past number of months i’ve focused so much and so hard on mentally caring for myself, tending to the emotional wounds. i forgot physical care mattered, forgot self-care stitched together many squares of fabric for its quilt. i forgot self-care included resting regularly, drinking enough water, moving appropriately. i forgot it included meditation, deep breathing, stretching.

instead, i’ve been sitting a lot. watching life instead of being in it. i am not tending to my physical self. i’ve been spending a lot of time away from home, late nights outside of my bed. my body is still catching up with the zealousness of my spirit. it feels heavy in a sense outside of weight.

this is a really long winded explanation for saying i-am-backing-away-from-the-computer-for-a-bit, simply. there is too much sluggishness circulating around my system for me to sit here, in front of a screen. it can be easy to get sucked into the blog world in favor of the real world (and the internet in general). and i need to spend a little more time caring for my whole self. so that means diving my time differently.

i was feeling so well in the early weeks of january because i was still caring for my whole self. i want to move back into that space. that felt healing. this feels…counterproductive.

namaste

zoe

resettling

unhappy waves returned.

(a san francisco sunset the other day.)

a few days ago, actually. the high of the early year left my system. reality plucked me up by the head and dropped me on me ass. just to say, “yes, all this shit is still here, and yes, you still need to deal with it.” well, universe, i hear you.

though i feel better today, i am still aware of how delicate this space is. i am still working out balancing, releasing, and moving forward. i am still managing my anxiety too which, honestly, can be a huge battle (one i never really discuss here). to tell you the truth, the past few days saw very little self-love. i definitely back slid a little bit. poor choices made out of the depths of self-doubt served me no purpose, except to unhinge me.

i think though, we all need to be unhinged from time to time. someone is asking you to really consider your reactions. each time i am presented with a difficulty, whether it be an emotion or a situation, i am challenged to respond from a place of self-compassion. as a life-long self-hater, responding gently is not easy. at all. but the fact that i am aware of what triggers me and of how i naturally react allows me to slow down, breathe, and consider my options. i no longer feel like a roaring, whirling hurricane of emotion hellbent on destroying my sanity. one bad day will not offset the rest of my week or the rest of my month anymore. though i fucked up yesterday (really) i love myself enough to be well today. i am not shrugging and telling myself “what’s the use?” i am shrugging and telling myself “that was yesterday, this is today.” every moments offers you a new step in a positive direction.

the more i stumble into hard to swallow emotional situations, the more i see how old habits no longer suit me. i find my body asking for things like yoga, bubble baths, and long walks. and music. somuchmusic. frantic moments don’t leave me standing in front of an open fridge or hunched over a bag of this or a carton of that. i am recreating myself, mindful moment by mindful moment. i am reentering my body, reorienting myself with the space i occupy (who knew it was so hard to feel your body! seriously though.). i am taking control of the things i can control and releasing the idea of controlling the things i cannot control (like the future, outcomes, and expectations.).

this isn’t easy. but this is the work i need to do right now. if i am not centered and okay with myself, i am anxious, critical, edgy, and rash with other people. before i move forward with relationships or big moves or achieving dreams, i first need to deal with myself. i don’t know how long this is going to take but i know that patience is on my side. no matter how dark some days get around here, there is always a light i can focus on. considering how lost i used to be in my tunnel of darkness, i am pretty satisfied with the occasional dimly light day. because i know it’s just that: occasional.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i totally finished putting together my space last night. best hippie den yet! it’s comfortable, relaxing, and sort of like a little retreat for me. isn’t that what personal spaces are supposed to be? i am trying to take care of the space around me, as i am a firm believer in how much your outer space reflects your inner space. calm and collected = neat and organized. crazy and whirring = messy as all hell.

what you don’t see: john lennon on the back of my door. a wall full of hats. a treadmill (bleh, no where else to put it. it found its home in my room when i left for college). a dresser with a tv (not used. will use for treadmill walks once it starts raining). another tapestry. my jewelry holder. different colored walls. yup. it’s shaping up to be the best room i’ve ever lived in. i love decorating!)

(p.p.s: THANK YOU for the responses yesterday. sososo appreciated. you all are the best. just so you know )

2012 so far

2012 already possesses an energy so unlike 2011.

2011 seemed to carry with it a lot of struggle. nearly every friend i spoke to regarding last year agreed — 2011 tested the limits of our selves. emotional battles were fought. mental hurdles were stumbled over. spiritual patience was tested. everyone i talked to about 2011 appreciated the growth only difficulties can bring, but everyone i talked to is also so ready to move on.

yesterday i had my first therapy appointment in about a month. i discussed with my therapist my current frame of mine. right now, i am really happy. however, i am grounded enough to not disregard the eventual downturn of happy energy. life will always dip down again, no matter how much you attempt to control it. i explained to her that right now, i am not residing in one emotional extreme or the other. rather, i am settled comfortably between the two. i am not jittery happy nor am i numbingly sad. i am balanced, open, and observing. i am accepting of the bad as much as i am the good — i am accepting all facets of life.

the idea of running into unhappiness used to scare me, mainly because i never knew how to deal with the depths of my sadness. i never wanted to feel depression so i fought against it instead of simply accepting it as a natural aspect of every person’s life. the funny thing is, we rarely fight against happiness. yet, we rage against sadness. maybe because sadness peels back our layers to reveal ultimate truths we deem ourselves too fragile to look deeply into. maybe because we see sadness like a cloud, blocking out all the light in our lives. maybe because feeling low cannot compare to feeling high.

but what if we treated life’s depressive points as lessons? honestly, i learned and continue to learn more in my darkest moments. the more i explore objectively the sadness curled up inside, the more i release. 2012 already represents to me a year of letting go, of shifting and changing, of embracing and understanding. i am no longer trembling in anticipation of unhappiness.

i feel it already, this transition. in relationships, in thoughts, in my body. the other day, while posted up in pigeon and breathing ever so deeply, tension slipped out of my right hip, like someone pulled a thread and unraveled a few layers of stitching. it was a complete physical experience, one that totally elated me. additionally, i no longer look at myself and see problems. instead, i see myself truly, happily, without the transparent image of an unrealistic woman clouding my vision. i am not obsessive, controlling, or negative in thought. i am treating myself well on the food front, too. it’s been well over a month since i last binged and well over two months since i last purged. intuition seems to guide me through every meal and i feel calm around food. it feels right to treat myself well. it feels effortless in this moment to do so.

right now, the energy surrounding me feels reassuring. i am moving towards something bigger and greater than myself. i am supported, protected, and provided for. i am trusting, believing, relaxing, and moving on.

truly.

how does 2012 feel so far to you? any different than 2011?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i cannot get enough of this song…!

turnitupturnitupturnitup! and dance around, if you’re so inclined )

learning patience

i am impatient.

no doubt.

i rush. i force. i tackle one thing after another if only to keep the pace gogogo. slow and steady requires vigilance. i am not one to play the waiting game. who can blame me, really? the culture i live in breeds plans and to do lists and quick, time saving lifestyles. digital gadgets allow us to stay connected at all hours. the vast majority of americans roll through days saturated in information, buzzed on caffeine, and numbed to their environments.

however, the more i practice mindfulness, the more i ask myself one question: why am i rushing?

you see, i am considering the concept of patience today much more deeply because i hit a road block earlier in the afternoon. as i attempted to register at the local community college for the prerequisites i need to apply to naturopathy colleges, i realized i may or may not need to take prerequisites for my prerequisites. yup. in college i never took real science — no labs, no lecture halls. the liberal arts program i enrolled in covered all my GE’s. those “science” credits i received though? pretty sure they don’t count. suddenly school this semester is up in and air. which leaves me here, delayed.

whenever i stress out (which happens whenever i feel overwhelmed or unable to organize my life…aka: right now) a close friend of mine likes to tell me one thing: you are exactly where you need to be.

i tend to forget good things take time, effort, and unending patience. realistically, my path to medical school may take a good couple of years. i am not sure why i assumed the process would be easy, but the universe is definitely trying to teach me a lesson now. luckily, i am a willing student.

life happens. sometimes, dreams distance themselves because more important things ask for your attention instead. right now, i truly believe i am exactly where i need to be. the more i listen to my intuition, the more i realize how much i need to focus on nurturing myself. my health is one of my top most priorities currently, especially following the aftermath of 2011. in order to move forward, i need to continue to tend to my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health, not immerse myself in stressful environments (school will undoubtedly stress me out because i am horrific at math and science).

i babble about my health all the time, i know. yet, i very often forget about monitoring it whenever life turns breezy. although i am feeling happy and healthy now, i know the state i exist in is impermanent, the foundation fragile. to reach my dreams, i first need to be settled and grounded in my self. i need to remember i am young, that this is a process, and i need to trust it. better yet — i need to enjoy it.

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.”
Harriet Tubman

namaste

zoe

a new year

i am so ready to wrap 2011 up in a box and shelve it.

(source)
2011, in summation, has a one word description: struggle.

in 2011 i:
got cheated on
gained back all the weight i lost plus more
developed a binge eating problem
developed bulimia in response to said bingeing problem
self-harmed
fell into a deep depression
got sick more than i did in the past two years

in 2011 i:
found myself again
fell in love with life again
crawled out of the darkness
started seeing a therapist
started feeling and processing my emotions
started eating meat again (!)
broke out of my restrictive eating habits
broke out of my exercise compulsion
went deeper into my yoga practice
learned how to balance again (literally and figuratively)
made beautiful, solid friendships
got out of my comfort zone (hello, burning man!)
found my soul on the dance floor

i never laughed and cried so much in one year. i never felt more inspired and more stuck. i never felt more confident and more uncomfortable. talk about a crazy emotional, crazy hectic — just crazy period — year.

though i’m definitely not one to make new years resolutions, i somehow decided to make one last year. looking at it makes me smile. in only 12 short months so much has changed…

(last year’s list)
GO DEEPER INTO MY YOGA PRACTICE (already happening!)
START AND COMPLETE MY FIRST 200 HOURS OF YOGA SCHOOL
GO TO CULINARY SCHOOL
GET MY TATTOO (making the appointment tomorrow, actually!)
RUN A HALF MARATHON
RUN A MARATHON
COOK AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
FINISH THE NOVEL I STARTED THIS PAST SEMESTER
CUT WHITE SUGAR OUT OF MY DIET COMPLETELy (seriously you guys, this shit just does not jive with me and i kind of need to accept it.)
ATTEND COUNSELING UNTIL I FEEL STRONG ENOUGH TO STAND ON MY OWN
LOVE MYSELF. COMPLETELY.

in review, how did i expect to accomplish any of that in one year! what a ridiculous set up for ultimate failure! i went deeper in my yoga practice and totally garnered a bottomless self-love. i cooked, but not as much as i hoped. about the only other thing i accomplished on that list was seeing a counselor. still happening! but me? running a marathon and a half marathon? whaaaaat a flippin’ joke!

this year, i have much more simple goals…

continue on my path of wellness
continue on my journey of self-love
continue to deepen my yoga practice
continue with therapy
go back to school for naturopathic medicine
read a little more
write a little more
step back from the screen a lot more
play around with and learn my camera more
say ‘yes‘ to everything i can manage, especially those things that scare me the most
laugh more
love more
play more
cook more
reach a natural, healthy weight

in the past few years i feel like i started every year by saying “this year is going to be a good year.” in my heart of hearts though, i know i never really believed it. i lived with too much foreboding, too much sadness, too much hatred to ever really believe it.

this year though…

this year is going to be the year i’ve been waiting for. i can feel it. for real this time.

do you make new years resolutions? did you accomplish any this year? what are yours for this coming year, if you make them?

namaste

zoe