2012 so far

2012 already possesses an energy so unlike 2011.

2011 seemed to carry with it a lot of struggle. nearly every friend i spoke to regarding last year agreed — 2011 tested the limits of our selves. emotional battles were fought. mental hurdles were stumbled over. spiritual patience was tested. everyone i talked to about 2011 appreciated the growth only difficulties can bring, but everyone i talked to is also so ready to move on.

yesterday i had my first therapy appointment in about a month. i discussed with my therapist my current frame of mine. right now, i am really happy. however, i am grounded enough to not disregard the eventual downturn of happy energy. life will always dip down again, no matter how much you attempt to control it. i explained to her that right now, i am not residing in one emotional extreme or the other. rather, i am settled comfortably between the two. i am not jittery happy nor am i numbingly sad. i am balanced, open, and observing. i am accepting of the bad as much as i am the good — i am accepting all facets of life.

the idea of running into unhappiness used to scare me, mainly because i never knew how to deal with the depths of my sadness. i never wanted to feel depression so i fought against it instead of simply accepting it as a natural aspect of every person’s life. the funny thing is, we rarely fight against happiness. yet, we rage against sadness. maybe because sadness peels back our layers to reveal ultimate truths we deem ourselves too fragile to look deeply into. maybe because we see sadness like a cloud, blocking out all the light in our lives. maybe because feeling low cannot compare to feeling high.

but what if we treated life’s depressive points as lessons? honestly, i learned and continue to learn more in my darkest moments. the more i explore objectively the sadness curled up inside, the more i release. 2012 already represents to me a year of letting go, of shifting and changing, of embracing and understanding. i am no longer trembling in anticipation of unhappiness.

i feel it already, this transition. in relationships, in thoughts, in my body. the other day, while posted up in pigeon and breathing ever so deeply, tension slipped out of my right hip, like someone pulled a thread and unraveled a few layers of stitching. it was a complete physical experience, one that totally elated me. additionally, i no longer look at myself and see problems. instead, i see myself truly, happily, without the transparent image of an unrealistic woman clouding my vision. i am not obsessive, controlling, or negative in thought. i am treating myself well on the food front, too. it’s been well over a month since i last binged and well over two months since i last purged. intuition seems to guide me through every meal and i feel calm around food. it feels right to treat myself well. it feels effortless in this moment to do so.

right now, the energy surrounding me feels reassuring. i am moving towards something bigger and greater than myself. i am supported, protected, and provided for. i am trusting, believing, relaxing, and moving on.

truly.

how does 2012 feel so far to you? any different than 2011?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i cannot get enough of this song…!

turnitupturnitupturnitup! and dance around, if you’re so inclined )

you’re amazing

i ate pizza yesterday.

a lot of pizza. homemade pizza. with real cheese.

and then i ate cake. really rich cake. a whole slice.

and then someone told me:

“you’re eating chocolate cake and you look amazing.”

which was when i remembered: “oh, yeah!”

which is when i realized: we’re all pretty amazing…inside and out

bonus points for cake though

just some small thoughts on a wednesday morning. sending love to you all <3

namaste

zoe

(oh, and i didn't binge yesterday. )

food rules

food rules kind of suck.

i hate listening to people discuss the “bad” foods they avoid. i hate listening to the list of rules pile up over the untouched bread basket. maybe i am taking it personally and maybe i feel some guilt over my choices but dang, i think sometimes we forget eating is a personal thing. it comes back to using your words wisely. you never know if your “bad” food or your rule is someone else’s “good” food or a complete non-rule for them.

the other day my therapist asked me to identify all the “food rules” i keep and apply in my eating. so i listed them out.

no white foods.
no refined sugars.
no eating after seven.
watch the carb intake.
eat every 3-4 hours.
no dessert every night.
no pasta or pizza.
five servings of veggies a day.
veggie at every meal/snack.

the list could go on friends.

i spent so long tangled up in rules and avoiding the pleasure food offers. it makes me sad to look back and see how controlling and obsessive i was. i passed up dinner dates and outings with friends because of the threat of “bad” food. if i learned anything in my months of restriction, i learned there is more to life than counting the calories in a slice of pizza.

do i believe in food rules? no.
do i believe in loose guidelines? yes.

what do i follow?
eat when you’re hungry.
stop when you’re full.
eat what you really want. really.
eat the foods that make you feel good.

can they be difficult to follow? yes! and they can be just as easy. a lot of trust is involved. a lot of awareness too. while eating eat without distractions so you can be involved in the actual process of nourishing yourself. feel the food in your mouth and enjoy the texture. taste all the flavor. savor the feeling of satisfaction and recognize the moment when you’re completely content and another bite is not needed.

most importantly, eat the foods that make you glow. eat the foods that nourish your heart, soul, mind and body. eat the foods that give you energy. and yes, also eat that slice of cake from time to time.

can it be difficult to eat what you want after years of not allowing yourself to? yes. i am still balancing it all out (as you well know). but i am getting there. i am slowly realizing i actually don’t want to eat sugar anymore. that i actually don’t want to eat chocolate as much as i think i do. that dairy upsets my stomach. i am learning. i know you can too. the more you experiment in listening to your body’s true wants and needs, the more you’ll see and understand that all it wants is to be nourished. and nourishing will start to come easily because you’ll be in love with feeling alive. just know that food is not the enemy. food is a supporter. it possesses the goods to make you feel good.

remember: food is not your life — just a part of your life.

so what do you say? do you abide by food rules? or do you loathe rules? no judgement!

namaste

zoe