thoughts from long walks

i am currently waiting on cookies in the oven and kale chips in the dehydrator.

(on a walk the other day in sonoma county with a close friend)

a good metaphor for my life, don’t you think?

i’ve got no big message today. no deep, thought out words.

nothing is A-FUCKING-MAZING. and nothing is particularly soul crushing. i am merely existing today, enjoying the seventy-eight degree sun rays and the smells of my kitchen. i am reveling, simply.

last night i preformed poetry again. words direct from my heart. unlike last week, i showed up with a louder voice and more nerves. i stumbled a bit though i spent hours and hours burning the lines into my memory, talking to an empty house, the bay, passing cars and, finally, a circle of strangers. practice doesn’t always mean perfect. nothing means perfect because perfect doesn’t exist.

a funny thing happened when i finished and reclaimed my seat: nothing attacked me inside. yes, i shook and tripped over a few lines but that negative voice stayed locked inside. in fact, i heard nothing. just felt a sense of release and empowerment i am still trying to wrap my mind around. just thought, “i did it” quietly while the words of others filled the balmy san francisco evening.

i took a walk with my self and my headphones this morning. drank a decaf americano. danced the whole way home. thought and rethought those hopes i scribbled for the new-year.

i’ve spent a lot of time since we jumped into 2012 thinking i was a big fat failure. thinking i was doing nothing right, making no progress, only sliding, minute by minute, backward to a place i never wanted to see again.

today changed that.

as cars drove past me and sunshine soaked into my bare arms i understood: i am progressing. i never wasn’t.

i am opening my heart to the world, to people, to myself. i am shedding warped ideas of self and happiness. i am gaining a sense of peace and an understanding of life i never thought i would.

perfection has no place in my life anymore. i am reclaiming the person i used to be. the person i always was.

bumps and all.

namaste

zoe

can we talk about gifts?

so, remember when i set the intention to be more open?

(source)
to, you know, receive the abundance of my life?

(i blabbered about that, right?)

well, can we talk about a the gift the universe dumped on me today?

it was kind of fucking great.

remember when i got home from burning man and talked and talked and continued to talk about dancing? i am pretty sure in the middle of all that talk, i declared pretty passionately “i found my soul on the dance floor“?

well. i really wasn’t kidding.

’cause i recognized my soul again today on the hardwood dance floor of my kitchen.

did i ever tell you i wanted to be a ballerina when i was kid? (like almost every other five-year-old girl). but i devoted my body to soccer instead. years and years of nothing but chasing a ball. yes, i loved it. but i still loved dance, too.

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i envied a childhood friend who danced ballet as long as i played soccer. she claimed she wasn’t the best, something about her feet. i always thought she was beautiful.

and free. so, so free.

did i ever tell you how much i hate reality t.v shows but how much i love, love, love so you think you can dance? and how i cry every episode? the only formal dancing i’ve ever seen was a ballet in first grade (i fell asleep) and the dancing of my childhood friend. so of course i sat for long, long weeks in front of the television, pointing always to every dancer and saying, “that’s fucking beautiful.” (because i am really graceful, too).

did i ever tell you when i was a kid i created dances with my friends and performed them for my mom? and the kids at my day care? (surprisingly, i had a lot of friends).

did i ever tell you how i believe in past lives (more on that another time)? i do. and i was definitely a dancer a one point. i feel that down to my bones. (why else would my knees hyper extend and why else can i balance so well and make nice lines? useless talents?)

so, no wonder i envy dancers. dancers are artists who create with their bodies. there are stories in those moves. colors. images. i wanted that.

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last summer i reconnected with the dancer in me again. we rejoiced in an open desert. then, she left.

and came back today. we visited, fell in love all over again. she whispered to me, “just move”. for one, solid song i thought nothing. not a single fucking thought. i just moved. but even that’s not quite right. something moved me.

kind of how something spills words into my conscious and asks for a transcriber. something about writing in a fluid trance isn’t just me. there’s something working through me to paint the world in words. something worked through me today in the kitchen. i opened up and received liberation. and when i came to, wheezing with exertion, i cried.

rain clouds spilled. from the couch i watched rain drop through sun rays. ever the scientific genius, i smiled and said, “i bet there’s a rainbow outside!” and promptly ran/tumbled/walked to the window. to see a streak of rainbow, bright above the hill.

then i cried a little bit more.

(because i am cheesy and think everything has meaning).

how do YOU see your soul?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i wrote this yesterday)

(p.p.s: the best, best, best part? usually after any dancing i walk around with a sore, inflamed low back. yesterday (and today!) not only do i feel no pain, but i feel strength!)

(p.p.p.s: happy valentine day. to be honest, i am not a fan. for various reasons (maybe i’ll discuss this tomorrow?) but mainly because i believe in loving every day. regardless, have a beautiful, love-filled, chocolate-and-rose-fueled day!)

self-love sunday: love isn’t conditional

i wrote something the other day.

(source)
about a friend and a conversation.
about a friend and gratitude.

i keep thinking about it.

specifically:

the people who love me most are the people i hurt the most.

because i do. i take for granted the love. the support. the affection and attention. i choose to mis-interpret, to build dramas founded on whimsical thoughts.

to be honest:

i think i am a shitty friend (and daughter. and occasional lover).

i think i tarnished a lot of relationships because i tested people. i tested their capacity to love me. i asked for love without ever actually asking for it. and i always got it. overwhelming amounts of the stuff. i got love so deep i got scared.

i distrusted the relationships i held with people because i never thought beautiful, honest, forgiving, loving relationships existed for me. i thought they might go away. that they were conditional. that i needed to be someone else first. because of lessons learned in horrible, no good relationships. consequently, i’ve strained relationships where nothing but love ever existed. i was the only suspicious one. i tested the boundaries of my friendships to test the extent of other’s love for me.

for that i am regretful.

for that i am embarrassed.

for that i am apologetic.

but.

i know now:

love exists for me.

real, unconditional love.

right now.

and, you know, it’s okay for me to take it.

it’s okay for me to express my love for others, to not always expect some back. it doesn’t mean i am any less seen, any less loved. no one is out to get me. i can drop my suspicions. i can trust. i can believe in the relationships in my life. i can believe in myself.

enough to end the silent investigations.
enough to be content with what was shared if a relationship fades.
enough to soften, to accept what is without over thinking.

enough to simply be.

namaste

zoe

sometimes, you just need a fucking hike

yesterday i woke up to sunshine and a sour mood.

probably because i showed myself complete disrespect the night before and ended up spilling tears full of self-pity.

but really, who can sit inside on a day in january when the sunshine is out? i confess, i thought about it. then i decided i needed to move, to shake off the thick funk from the previous night.

…which is when my casual hour walk turned into a spontaneous, three hour solo hike.

i live in the bay area. more specifically, i live in marin county. a lot of stereotypes bind the place in which i live. i invite you to call marin every name you see fit, but you cannot deny the beauty it sits in. the bay wraps around us, though we escape the fog san francisco disappears under. yes, i live in the suburbs, but nature lives here, too. so much nature. i live a twenty minute walk from a rambling, wide state park.

coincidentally where i ended up yesterday after a twenty-minute walk.

usually i am not incredibly spontaneous (though i love it when i am). i am much too careful. too plan-oriented (thanks mom). for the past few years i’ve been working on relaxing, on going with the flow of life instead of attempting to regiment and categorize it all. so when i saw the start of an unknown trail yesterday, i hopped on it without a second thought.

i started my walk numb and frustrated. i ended my walk-turned-hike in jubilation.

on a sunday afternoon in the dead of winter, with sunshine reaching for me in between tree branches, i lost my sadness, if only for a second. i shared the path with mountain bikers, trail runners (i did a little of this yesterday too! nothing compares to running in nature.), and hikers. i shared genuine smiles and found i could not wait to say hello to people. in the middle of an unintentional hike, i rediscovered my intention: to be happy, healthy, and in love with life.

the rest of the day filled itself with a lot of laughter, a lot of smiling, a lot of cooking (my friend and i make cookies and moroccan stew. all vegan!). what started out as a potentially shitty day turned itself around.

i think i am discovering some of the keys to sustained sanity: regular movement and a connection to nature. both things help me to be incredibly balance and satisfied. (and i know walking in nature helps open a couple of chakras!) for a long time i tried to justify not moving regularly because of how much i used to exercise. movement is something i need to be careful not to overdo. yet, at the same time, i need to trust myself a little more, believe i can be a regular mover without becoming a compulsive exerciser again. i think i can do that. i think i can do a lot of things i try to pretend i can’t.

sometimes, you just need a fucking hike to realize it.

(the tilt of the world)

namaste

zoe

(p.s: thanks for bearing with me through my ups and downs. writing really helps me reflect and release so i’m not sorry for posting such downers. i appreciate the messages and the support. so, so much.)

here is my heart’s song in some words

as the early days of 2012 pass by, the clearer my purpose becomes.

my dreams look less fuzzy. i feel less fuzzy. ideas tangle themselves up in thoughts, merge together to present me a sharp image of the future. i am dreaming big dreams right now. i am cultivating patience. i am watering my flower of persistence with it. i forget sometimes i am twenty-two and unbound by responsibility. i forget i am standing at the base of my life with no need to rush.

above all, i am learning i am a slow mover.

a friend explained his inner clockwork to me the other day, spoke of the pace of his personal metronome. i smiled in the slow way a stoner does and tried to understand. i made no sense of it, though i did pretend to. i listened instead of spoke because how do you relate to a conversation you never discussed with yourself? two days ago though, a potcookie and sunshine kind of day, i recognized my inner beat, saw i always knew it. i understood the workings of my inner clock.

i like to take my time. i weigh possibilities, consider both sides of every coin i flip (no, i’m not a libra, why do you ask ?). i am a slow mover, methodical in all i do. each decision breeds more indecision and i round into conclusions too slow for most people. but the way i tick works for me. what’s the point in subscribing to someone else’s laws?

i know slow, relaxing movement helps me reflect and sink into the non-judgemental person i am (why do you think i live for yoga and hiking and dancing and long walks?). when i allow myself to no breeze through things, i find i try more willingly and laugh at all the things i trip over (cooking isn’t a science, folks). when i slow down i appreciate life because i see the little things. i suddenly have the time to stop and spend five minutes photographing the sunset. i find i smile a lot more, breathe deeply, easily. i am less irritable, less critical of myself and friends and family. and i am, over all, more peaceful and more creative. the more creative i am, the more i release. the more i release, the stronger in self and happier in soul i become.

when i rush or force i end up sick. i end up sleepy, over hungry, jittery. self-care shuts off and i end up feeling foggy from childish choices, one dictated under the crown of poor judgement. i lose gratitude, acceptance, love, and openness. in their place grows lack, self-indulgence, judgement and impatience. i lose the time to sit, wonder at my abundance, and breathe.

i learned a long time ago my life’s purpose involves helping other people. my life’s constant lesson is to continue in a solid practice of self-care in order to help people. when my life is calm, and i am steady and well, i can truly involve myself. i can extend to others a genuine love and an authentic heart. through self-love i can offer love. i can accept love.

to give love, however, one must be love first. 2012 will be the year i start my spiritual quest to dig up the love i buried long ago. 2012 will be the year i learn how to love myself — truly. 2012 will be the year of self-transformation — on the inside. 2012 will be the year i slow down and discover myself completely. because i want so desperately to bring light and love into lives who know only darkness and cold. i just need to thread myself together a little tighter first.

i believe in the presence of souls. i believe in mine as much as i believe in yours. intuition breathes truths from your soul, your highest self. real knowledge hides itself in there. real love, real light, real happiness. it’s up to us to tap into that wealth and spread it.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: and that, my friends, felt like the most authentic thing i’ve ever written on my little space in the blog world.)

appreciating the little things

i am learning to appreciate all the little joys present in my life.

i am learning gratitude stretches smiles, warms the heart, and uplifts the spirits.

i am learning i have more than enough.

i am learning to live for the small moments in life.

like blue skies in january.

and the company of friends who live in your heart.

or realizing the fact that i live here:

that i was born here.

i am learning to remember that life is sweet when you let it be.

i am learning. always.

namaste

zoe

help, i’m alive (self-love sunday version)

i’m alive!

silent since january third but bubbling over with words the whole time. i missed the freedom of unloading onto a screen at the days end. i missed talking into space and seeing who replied. i missed sharing and communicating. i missed blogging for a second, sure, but not enough to trade the last five days for much.

basically, i spent the past five days in san francisco under an umbrella of blue sky paired with temperatures hovering somewhere in the low 60′s. i spent it surrounded by positive, loving, compassionate, passionate people. i spent it chatting over sidewalk cafe breakfasts and in kitchens cooking homemade vegan meals. i spent it laughing, loving, relaxing.

i am overwhelmingly blessed. i am overwhelmingly thankful. i am expanding and releasing and reveling, building up and breaking down. life rarely makes sense but right now, i understand its lessons a little more deeply. i feel plugged in again. ready to embrace it all — the good, the bad, and all the little bits in between. i feel ready to leave the past behind and step, finally, into this new chapter i’ve been trying to write for two years.

i have so much to write. so much to babble about. i’ll save that for another time. for now, simply enjoy your weekend. appreciate your blessings and where you are right now. the state of your soul is always beautiful

namaste

zoe

today, yesterday, and the day before that

after spending every day last week in the city, i kicked off the new week the only way i knew how…

in the city of course!

at the beach in particular (and the park. and the concrete avenues of the sunset district).

with a guy in particular.

on a particularly gorgeous day for san francisco in january…

i woke up in a particularly good mood this morning.

see, the thing is this: a few days before new years i met someone new. well, actually, i re-met him. but the other day marked the first time we ever legitimately kicked it. can i just say i have never felt more of a connection to another person so quickly? is that weird? maybe don’t answer that.

regardless, the past couple of days have left me stupid-happy and little girl giddy. i know not to carry myself too far off into fantastical lands but a woman’s gotta dream a little dream, right? right. especially when this new guy is a (brilliant) spoken word poet, deeply soulful, honest, creative, and a male i feel comfortable enough with to call a man instead of a boy. tough thing to do at this age, or so i find. interactions feel fluid. i don’t feel the need to keep my guard up, around my personality or my body (though, nothing outside of the most excellent of cuddles has happened. i move sloooow.) my perspective is shifting as life shifts. something in the universe is supporting me and protecting me. i feel it. 2012 is bringing something special for the mind, body, soul, and heart.

now, if you’ll excuse me. i’ve got a room to clean and organize!

how has 2012 treated you so far?

namaste

zoe

welcoming the new year

last night ended up a success.

and by success, i mean i danced my ass off, abstained from over drinking, met new people, laughed too much, stayed up too late, and spent the early hours of the year sharing words with a pretty exciting new person (more on that later).

i am confident the coming months will be peaceful, grounding, inspirational, and educational. i am also confident 2012 will be the year i release completely and start a new. i am excited to watch the year unfold, day by day. honestly, i anticipate a pretty beautiful year (also, i read my tarot cards for the year and damn. so satisfied with the results.).

today, despite waking up five hours after i went to sleep, i mustered up enough energy to treat myself to a sunny walk followed by a little yoga. you bet i brought some sort of camera. i mean, it’s still sunny! that and i live by the water. kind of picturesque if you ask me.

i hope the first day of your year brought you blessings, light, and love!

namaste

zoe

goodbye, 2011 (and my hair: in 3 parts!)

sending 2011 off with a bang tonight.

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heading out to a friend’s in the sunset district of san francisco for a house party which, i am told, will be of epic proportions. kind of excited. kind of really excited. i’ll be with two of my best friends, a ton of strangers, and one super attractive guy who i happen to know thinks i’m cute

so i decided to straighten my hair for this. it’s a funny process.

one.

two.

three.

and yes, i do straighten my hair in a sports bra. it gets really hot. especially when you’re basically submerged in heat for like…an hour and a half.

ANYWAY.

thank you all for the support, love, and kindness you showed me this year. you helped keep my head up when i couldn’t, injected positivity into my world when it was only grey, and made me laugh when all i wanted to do was cry. i am forever grateful for your beautiful, uplifting, generous words. wishing you all the best during your last day of 2011! may your new year bring you all the peace you seek, all the happiness you deserve, and all the love you need.

namaste

zoe