things my ego gave me

i don’t remember when i got so scared.

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of sharing. of speaking my truth. of life itself.

i don’t remember forfeiting my happiness. i just remember waking up one day with a vague idea of having lost something.

i don’t remember fanning out the fire of my character till it glowed so dim as to be easily forgotten.

i don’t remember when doubt crowned himself the king of all decisions.

i don’t remember embarrassment building me a house to live in, a house to never leave.

somewhere along the way, the fiery, opinionated, passionate, mover of a girl i was, (am), decided to play a really long, really difficult game of hide-and-go-seek. every time i thought i found her, it turned out i had only stumbled on the echo of her.

i used to laugh all the time. i used to crack jokes over jokes over jokes. i dipped into my weirdness openly, showcased it for friends and family and newcomers alike. i enjoyed the awkwardness, the oddities of my personality and character. i rejoiced it. i knew no one like me simply because there was no one like me.

then, i stumbled. my ego hissed at me: “no one will like you. what are you doing here? what did you just say? dear god, why did you just say what you just said?”

so i tried on pieces of personalities i liked, absorbed well received traits of others like a vortex. i worried so much and so well over things like “do they like me?” and “if i do/say/act like that he and she and all of them won’t like me anymore. they’ll think i’m weird.” the real me got scared. she hid and stayed hidden.

yesterday, i danced in an empty house for ten solid minutes, giggling like a five year old laughing the whole time. unfavorable thoughts snuck their way into the happy space i created. i stopped laughing. my ego found my self dancing freely and said, “um, do you know how stupid you look right now?”

my self faltered. stopped flailing. arms found tighter, more controlled movements. legs suddenly preferred mere shuffling over jumping and swinging. my self apologized. then, thought further, and corrected herself: “oh, fuck it.” wild limbs were wild once more.

the people i find myself admiring the most present their whole selves. all those flaws and all those beauties. they don’t apologize for who they are. they just are.

i used to be like that.

which means i can be that, again.

it means i can move out of the house embarrassment built me. it means i can coop d’etat doubt right off his throne. it means i can relight my fire, let it burn and burn. it means i can be happy again. it means i won’t be the wrong kind of scared.

it means, simply, i can be me.

again.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: thanks for your anxiety tips. using them next time i feel all kinds of uncomfortable!)

a post today

because i am ill.

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in and out of the bathroom. i want to credit myself for this lovely state of being. and my brother (or, his and my old high school really. ended up 325 kids and 30 faculty got sick. i mean, school was cancelled for the rest of the week man! gnarly shit.). but mainly me.

i hit a wall last night. i ate food i never eat. too much of it. consequently, i woke up nauseous, with stomach wriggling and roaring. i woke up in pain. i went to bed last night fed up. waking up as i did only propelled me into further frustration.

i don’t deserve to feel this way.
i don’t deserve to continually hurt, physically and otherwise.

i don’t think i believed that, truly, for a while.

binges no longer control me. this is a fact i have known for a very long time. their urgency, intensity, and power weaned months ago. i have felt a physical shift. something is happening inside, something is rearranging. i don’t know what yet, but i do know this: i am ready to let go. i’m not scared anymore. i am not ruled by fear anymore.

a few days ago jenn gibson, of roots of she, wrote a beautifully articulated post entitled “the importance of honoring your needs and feelings“.

though i connected to the entire piece, two sentences gripped me:

“I’ve felt upset and happy and excited and confused. Up and down, every day, for no real reason other than because that’s just how I’ve felt.”

and

When you let go of something big, something that has held a place of power over you, it creates space.

nearly every day i move up and down, feel upset and happy, excited and confused. for no real reason. it all makes sense though in conjunction with the second sentence. i am letting go of something big, something which no longer holds power over me. it’s created space. a big, wide open space. for life. for love. for opportunities i cannot yet fathom. no wonder i am emotional.

all the doubt i experience comes from questioning the validity of my beliefs, of my steps in life. consistently wondering “is this the right way?” when i know in my heart it is does nothing but postpone the beauty in life i am entitled to, the beauty i want to share with other people. there is a big space inside of my right now, one i no longer wish to shove full with whatever is nearest to me. i want to be curious about this opening inside, be picky in what i choose to fill it with.

i am beautiful. i am worthy. and i am tired of pretending like i don’t believe that. what purpose does that serve? what am i contributing to every time i fall into negative, self-detrimental thought patterns? i am sending a big ‘fuck you’ to all those sources who tell me i am anything less than. this is my life. this a gift. i deserve to celebrate what i have been given, i deserve health and happiness. i deserve to do well by myself.

today i feel different. funny too, because my horoscope today said: “self-esteem changes. learn tactful new forms of self-control” and “become aware of any conflicts that exist between your feelings and your will. make sure that you are acting in a way that contributes to your own security.” i feel that. in my bones. in my heart. in my limbs. i am ready to move on, to commit fully to self-care, to commit fully to life.

shit is happening. and i am excited to participate. i am excited to begin my journey to wellness, truly.

…but first i need to heal my stomach. dear god.

namaste

zoe

here is my heart’s song in some words

as the early days of 2012 pass by, the clearer my purpose becomes.

my dreams look less fuzzy. i feel less fuzzy. ideas tangle themselves up in thoughts, merge together to present me a sharp image of the future. i am dreaming big dreams right now. i am cultivating patience. i am watering my flower of persistence with it. i forget sometimes i am twenty-two and unbound by responsibility. i forget i am standing at the base of my life with no need to rush.

above all, i am learning i am a slow mover.

a friend explained his inner clockwork to me the other day, spoke of the pace of his personal metronome. i smiled in the slow way a stoner does and tried to understand. i made no sense of it, though i did pretend to. i listened instead of spoke because how do you relate to a conversation you never discussed with yourself? two days ago though, a potcookie and sunshine kind of day, i recognized my inner beat, saw i always knew it. i understood the workings of my inner clock.

i like to take my time. i weigh possibilities, consider both sides of every coin i flip (no, i’m not a libra, why do you ask ?). i am a slow mover, methodical in all i do. each decision breeds more indecision and i round into conclusions too slow for most people. but the way i tick works for me. what’s the point in subscribing to someone else’s laws?

i know slow, relaxing movement helps me reflect and sink into the non-judgemental person i am (why do you think i live for yoga and hiking and dancing and long walks?). when i allow myself to no breeze through things, i find i try more willingly and laugh at all the things i trip over (cooking isn’t a science, folks). when i slow down i appreciate life because i see the little things. i suddenly have the time to stop and spend five minutes photographing the sunset. i find i smile a lot more, breathe deeply, easily. i am less irritable, less critical of myself and friends and family. and i am, over all, more peaceful and more creative. the more creative i am, the more i release. the more i release, the stronger in self and happier in soul i become.

when i rush or force i end up sick. i end up sleepy, over hungry, jittery. self-care shuts off and i end up feeling foggy from childish choices, one dictated under the crown of poor judgement. i lose gratitude, acceptance, love, and openness. in their place grows lack, self-indulgence, judgement and impatience. i lose the time to sit, wonder at my abundance, and breathe.

i learned a long time ago my life’s purpose involves helping other people. my life’s constant lesson is to continue in a solid practice of self-care in order to help people. when my life is calm, and i am steady and well, i can truly involve myself. i can extend to others a genuine love and an authentic heart. through self-love i can offer love. i can accept love.

to give love, however, one must be love first. 2012 will be the year i start my spiritual quest to dig up the love i buried long ago. 2012 will be the year i learn how to love myself — truly. 2012 will be the year of self-transformation — on the inside. 2012 will be the year i slow down and discover myself completely. because i want so desperately to bring light and love into lives who know only darkness and cold. i just need to thread myself together a little tighter first.

i believe in the presence of souls. i believe in mine as much as i believe in yours. intuition breathes truths from your soul, your highest self. real knowledge hides itself in there. real love, real light, real happiness. it’s up to us to tap into that wealth and spread it.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: and that, my friends, felt like the most authentic thing i’ve ever written on my little space in the blog world.)