self-love sunday: some rambles (it’s been a long week)

sleepy, per usual.

(san francisco at sun down, the other day)

my nocturnal clock is off. (or: i stayed up too late drinking whiskey in honor of st. patrick’s day but mainly in honor of one of my best friend’s birthdays).

this week has been weird. light and heavy in all moments, together. sluggish, too. i’ve spent a lot of time observing my emotions, feeling them out. simply a quiet week, peppered with overwhelming, abundant moments too intricate to explain. the best way to describe it: i am reentering consciousness.

the world looks like ireland outside my window. earlier this week fog ate into the tops of mountains, obscuring them. now clouds mix with blue sky i missed. everything is green. save for the one tree, defiant in holding yellow. i’m contemplating a cup of coffee. i’m thinking, in general.

i miss my friends. i miss sitting around smoking bowls and talking, talking, talking. i miss the closeness. i miss the connection. i miss knowing they’ll always be there. most days i keep the company of an empty house and an over-active mind. often my irrationality tells me i am slipping from friends’ consciousnesses. often i believe it. deep down i question my importance. my therapist tells me i am co-dependant and i can’t disagree. i’m still learning to appreciate my self, still searching for such self-acceptance and self-love in other people. still measuring my self-worth in the number of phone calls and texts and tips-of-the-hat i receive each week. it’s like this: fun things happen and i’ll find out about them later via stories, laugh and wonder why i am not helping tell them instead. wonder where invitations disappear to. wonder why i care.

frequently i wonder, too, “will i ever be settled?”

i think i know the answer. (i know — zoe, stop. we know. weknowweknowweknow. these thoughts are real, though. they’re not arbitrary. they’re as real as your fear of the dark or your fear of heights. let me feel. let me explore. let me process and progress as slowly as i need to. sit on your judgement because i am not judging you and your process.)

my heart feels sealed off. frozen in uncertainty, sadness, self-loathing and overwhelm. there are truths there, buried deep and fully-alive though only half-recognized. the me i want to be, the me i am, the me i see, will not come out. she’s rooted. stuck. available to only one or two people in my life.

i crave intimacy and authenticity like i do chocolate and cake and brussel sprouts (lack of such things in my life are some of the main reasons my eating disorder lives). times exist where i sit in the company of someone i love and we stumble into an opening, an invitation to speak, to pour my self out. words warm in my chest, bubble up to my throat, roll out onto my tongue, ready. i think, “this is it! it’s time! say it, say it, say it!” but i rarely do. instead i’ll swallow those truths back, slide them past my beating heart and into their caves where they’ll strip off their armor and wait for the next moment to be brave. it hurts every time.

someone told me recently, “you can’t hold all of that inside“. oh, but i do. i’m not good at asking for what i need. what i need feels like too much. so my quietness becomes my way of screaming. “i’m fine” is the biggest lie i’ve ever told.

possibly the craziest part of this crazy is this: i know my real friends love me deeply and unconditionally. i am the one who chooses to not understand, to not grasp fully what that type of love means. i am the one who nods in agreement on the outside while simultaneously rejecting any iota of love on the inside. i recognize i am generally the one keeping myself trapped and bound by fear.

my insides are all messed up. i will always be cleaning house.

i’ve frustrated and hurt a lot of people because of this persistant sadness i can’t quite figure out. i’m afraid that’s only helped distance me from my friends and my friends from me. i’ve let it swallow me entirely, isolate me fully. i’ve let it infiltrate all relationships. i feel like i’ve let a lot of people down, myself included. so it’s no surprise, really, that i struggle to talk to people. no one really knows me, truly. i won’t let them. because i fear losing everyone.

talk about irrational fears.

the good news (yes, there is some) is this: despite my negative rambling, i am getting better. i am opening up. i am slowly, slowly, shedding my fear of abandonment. the more i talk, the more i release. it’s a practice. kind of like strengthening a muscle. work it a little bit, watch it grow stronger.

i’m not sure when i will be able to separate my self-worth from my friendships but i am hopeful one day it will happen. i am hopeful one day i will see myself as my friends see me — as a whole person, not only flaws. i am hopeful one day i will freely ask for what i need without fearing judgement and complete rejection. i am hopeful one day i will be myself without apology, without wanting to be anyone else. i am hopeful that, one day, i will be okay.

this is my process.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i wrote this in pieces this week, while floating in a weird, weird mood. today i woke up in much brighter spirits. i blame the whiskey fest and the company of one of my best friends, one i never feel shaky or questionable in front of. that and the sun is back after a week of straight rain. and i’m going on a hike!!)

self-love sunday

before i start a recap of sorts:

(flowers on a walk the other day)

today my little brother turns eighteen.

kind of like cinderella pulling her whole transformation, my brother is an adult now (though not in a dress and carriage-made-from-pumpkin), suddenly. an adult. like, legal. which is weird because i remember when he was born, how little he was in my own little arms.

to commemorate the occasion, i am making chili bread bowls, per his request. and cake. because birthdays are not birthdays without cake in my eyes.

yup.

anyway.

so, i am working on friendships. on connecting and reconnecting with people who truly, deeply matter. often times we chase friendships or people who clearly show no interest in slowing their retreat. we wonder, “why am i left behind?” while the solids in our lives trail us, wondering “why doesn’t she turn around?”.

confession: i am a die-hard chaser.

i pour attention and affection into friendships my intuition chirps are “one sided”. i did it in early friendships. i did it in high school. i did it in college. i do it now. worrying about how i stand in the lives of part-time friends prompts the burn of anxiety. of loneliness. of depression. it also hurts the real friendships i have, as those true sources of joy distance themselves, shaking their heads at my breathless game of catch and release.

slowly i am understanding the need to balance the energy i put into relationships, including the one i hold with myself. i cannot give away my reserves so quickly, so willingly, so entirely to people.

i spent a lot of time with old friends this week (ones from college and one from high school). i noticed the goofy ultra-dork reemerging. easily and naturally. there was never a sense of “am i good enough?“, only “god i missed this”. i did not experience a need to be anyone other than the person i am, to prove something my mind made up. there was no judgement. no anxiety. just a lot of laughter.

i know i am never alone. i know a lot of the time i think myself into a space for one and tell myself no one cares (not true). i am getting there, though. realizing i make myself alone when i concentrate on those part-time friends, when i forget all those beautiful people in my life who are, always, open and willing to embrace me when i need it the most, not when it suits their schedules.

do you ever find yourself worrying over relationships that bring you more unease than ease?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: did any of that make sense? i feel like that was a bunch of word-vomit.)

yesterday

yesterday i walked around san francisco.

all day.

in boots and orange tights.

with a very close friend.

alight with deep happiness and warm from february sunshine.

then, something funny happened. last night. something out-of-character but so in-character.

i took a deep breath.

stepped into the middle of a circle ringed by people and more people — strangers.

and, in front of all these faces i did not know, i read my poetry.

aloud.

can we talk about fears that are irrational?
can we talk about how calm my heart felt in my chest as i performed?
can we talk about evolving?
can we talk about liberation?

can we talk about how fucking great i feel?

namaste

zoe

self-love sunday: love isn’t conditional

i wrote something the other day.

(source)
about a friend and a conversation.
about a friend and gratitude.

i keep thinking about it.

specifically:

the people who love me most are the people i hurt the most.

because i do. i take for granted the love. the support. the affection and attention. i choose to mis-interpret, to build dramas founded on whimsical thoughts.

to be honest:

i think i am a shitty friend (and daughter. and occasional lover).

i think i tarnished a lot of relationships because i tested people. i tested their capacity to love me. i asked for love without ever actually asking for it. and i always got it. overwhelming amounts of the stuff. i got love so deep i got scared.

i distrusted the relationships i held with people because i never thought beautiful, honest, forgiving, loving relationships existed for me. i thought they might go away. that they were conditional. that i needed to be someone else first. because of lessons learned in horrible, no good relationships. consequently, i’ve strained relationships where nothing but love ever existed. i was the only suspicious one. i tested the boundaries of my friendships to test the extent of other’s love for me.

for that i am regretful.

for that i am embarrassed.

for that i am apologetic.

but.

i know now:

love exists for me.

real, unconditional love.

right now.

and, you know, it’s okay for me to take it.

it’s okay for me to express my love for others, to not always expect some back. it doesn’t mean i am any less seen, any less loved. no one is out to get me. i can drop my suspicions. i can trust. i can believe in the relationships in my life. i can believe in myself.

enough to end the silent investigations.
enough to be content with what was shared if a relationship fades.
enough to soften, to accept what is without over thinking.

enough to simply be.

namaste

zoe

appreciating the little things

i am learning to appreciate all the little joys present in my life.

i am learning gratitude stretches smiles, warms the heart, and uplifts the spirits.

i am learning i have more than enough.

i am learning to live for the small moments in life.

like blue skies in january.

and the company of friends who live in your heart.

or realizing the fact that i live here:

that i was born here.

i am learning to remember that life is sweet when you let it be.

i am learning. always.

namaste

zoe

help, i’m alive (self-love sunday version)

i’m alive!

silent since january third but bubbling over with words the whole time. i missed the freedom of unloading onto a screen at the days end. i missed talking into space and seeing who replied. i missed sharing and communicating. i missed blogging for a second, sure, but not enough to trade the last five days for much.

basically, i spent the past five days in san francisco under an umbrella of blue sky paired with temperatures hovering somewhere in the low 60′s. i spent it surrounded by positive, loving, compassionate, passionate people. i spent it chatting over sidewalk cafe breakfasts and in kitchens cooking homemade vegan meals. i spent it laughing, loving, relaxing.

i am overwhelmingly blessed. i am overwhelmingly thankful. i am expanding and releasing and reveling, building up and breaking down. life rarely makes sense but right now, i understand its lessons a little more deeply. i feel plugged in again. ready to embrace it all — the good, the bad, and all the little bits in between. i feel ready to leave the past behind and step, finally, into this new chapter i’ve been trying to write for two years.

i have so much to write. so much to babble about. i’ll save that for another time. for now, simply enjoy your weekend. appreciate your blessings and where you are right now. the state of your soul is always beautiful

namaste

zoe

today, yesterday, and the day before that

after spending every day last week in the city, i kicked off the new week the only way i knew how…

in the city of course!

at the beach in particular (and the park. and the concrete avenues of the sunset district).

with a guy in particular.

on a particularly gorgeous day for san francisco in january…

i woke up in a particularly good mood this morning.

see, the thing is this: a few days before new years i met someone new. well, actually, i re-met him. but the other day marked the first time we ever legitimately kicked it. can i just say i have never felt more of a connection to another person so quickly? is that weird? maybe don’t answer that.

regardless, the past couple of days have left me stupid-happy and little girl giddy. i know not to carry myself too far off into fantastical lands but a woman’s gotta dream a little dream, right? right. especially when this new guy is a (brilliant) spoken word poet, deeply soulful, honest, creative, and a male i feel comfortable enough with to call a man instead of a boy. tough thing to do at this age, or so i find. interactions feel fluid. i don’t feel the need to keep my guard up, around my personality or my body (though, nothing outside of the most excellent of cuddles has happened. i move sloooow.) my perspective is shifting as life shifts. something in the universe is supporting me and protecting me. i feel it. 2012 is bringing something special for the mind, body, soul, and heart.

now, if you’ll excuse me. i’ve got a room to clean and organize!

how has 2012 treated you so far?

namaste

zoe

welcoming the new year

last night ended up a success.

and by success, i mean i danced my ass off, abstained from over drinking, met new people, laughed too much, stayed up too late, and spent the early hours of the year sharing words with a pretty exciting new person (more on that later).

i am confident the coming months will be peaceful, grounding, inspirational, and educational. i am also confident 2012 will be the year i release completely and start a new. i am excited to watch the year unfold, day by day. honestly, i anticipate a pretty beautiful year (also, i read my tarot cards for the year and damn. so satisfied with the results.).

today, despite waking up five hours after i went to sleep, i mustered up enough energy to treat myself to a sunny walk followed by a little yoga. you bet i brought some sort of camera. i mean, it’s still sunny! that and i live by the water. kind of picturesque if you ask me.

i hope the first day of your year brought you blessings, light, and love!

namaste

zoe

spend a little time on the hill

i live on a hill.

(panoramic view!)

a hill you can climb. so i did. with my lovely friend lizzie, just the other day before all the fog rolled in and officially claimed december.

i played around with my camera, too!

(lizzie took this without my knowing! the sneak )

(i’m starting to learn it all a little bit better!)

there are swings up on that hill.

the view from the swings, well, it’s great.

it was a seriously beautiful day. grateful for all this sunshine in the middle of winter.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: again, i think it goes without saying but…these are my photos. please don’t steal )

san francisco, in a day (and night)

namaste

zoe

(p.s: all taken yesterday by me. please don’t steal )