music monday + monday lessons

mmm monday.

(san francisco on saturday on random street walks with my friend)

a light breeze, fat clouds, sunshine kind of monday.

i woke up intending to work out the whole day because i ate cake last night and militant, dictator zoe ordered it to be done. under strict authority, i laced up tennis shoes after i slipped out of my sheets and dreamy early morning haze. i skipped breakfast too for good measure. funny how plans figure their way out, though.

because the television spazzed out. and my brother came home sick from school. and my stomach grumbled loudly. and i picked up a pen and undid my tennis shoes. and i wrote into my journal. and i realized: “i still think my weight matters in the measure of happiness. so i still chase it as being the problem of all my problems” (journal quotes). silly anxious and negative self. it’s just cake, not the devil. calm yourself.

so i ate some breakfast, ate some more cake, laced up my tennis shoes, and took the walk i actually wanted. i listened to two pod-casts, did some yoga in the park under the sun, felt the grass beneath my feet. three or so hours later i am home, rested and happy and not thinking about that cake from last night or the cake from earlier. just how awesome my legs feel and how settled my heart is in my chest.

and how awesome this song is.

because i am in love with bon iver.

and mondays, for that matter.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: please don’t steal my photos. thanks!)

still ill

so i’ve got ample time to sit and write.

between trips to the bathroom, of course.

tmi?

nevermind. still, i am surprised to be feeling so sick again this morning. yesterday i eventually peeled myself off the couch and, in perfectly decent health, visited a friend in my college town for the day. some of whatever bug i caught is still crawling around my insides. obviously. i am watching movies today. on the couch. sipping homemade ginger tea. the beautiful sunshine outside will, unfortunately, have to wait.

i am not going to give the bug all the credit though. i am going to share the honor with another culprit: my diet. a few days ago i mentioned the lack of self-care in my life. it extends to the food on my plate, too. i am being pretty careless with what i put into my body. i know sugar does me in and i’ve been eating too much of that. additionally, the amount of gluten i’ve been eating has increased something like ten fold. i never used to eat as much gluten as i’ve been eating lately. i’m afraid it’s not helping.

my stomach hurts.
i am constantly bloated.
i am unbelievably nauseous.
i’ve gotten more headaches in the past two months than i have in the past two years.
i am consistently tired despite the good nights of sleep.

something is up.

which is why, when i feel better, i am giving up gluten and sugar. i am hoping to give up sugar entirely and i am simply testing a gluten theory. i know i don’t have celiac disease and i know i am not allergic to wheat. but i know i am sensitive to something. so why not start with gluten?

now, if you’ll excuse me. i’ve got a couch to lay on all day.

namaste

zoe

2012 so far

2012 already possesses an energy so unlike 2011.

2011 seemed to carry with it a lot of struggle. nearly every friend i spoke to regarding last year agreed — 2011 tested the limits of our selves. emotional battles were fought. mental hurdles were stumbled over. spiritual patience was tested. everyone i talked to about 2011 appreciated the growth only difficulties can bring, but everyone i talked to is also so ready to move on.

yesterday i had my first therapy appointment in about a month. i discussed with my therapist my current frame of mine. right now, i am really happy. however, i am grounded enough to not disregard the eventual downturn of happy energy. life will always dip down again, no matter how much you attempt to control it. i explained to her that right now, i am not residing in one emotional extreme or the other. rather, i am settled comfortably between the two. i am not jittery happy nor am i numbingly sad. i am balanced, open, and observing. i am accepting of the bad as much as i am the good — i am accepting all facets of life.

the idea of running into unhappiness used to scare me, mainly because i never knew how to deal with the depths of my sadness. i never wanted to feel depression so i fought against it instead of simply accepting it as a natural aspect of every person’s life. the funny thing is, we rarely fight against happiness. yet, we rage against sadness. maybe because sadness peels back our layers to reveal ultimate truths we deem ourselves too fragile to look deeply into. maybe because we see sadness like a cloud, blocking out all the light in our lives. maybe because feeling low cannot compare to feeling high.

but what if we treated life’s depressive points as lessons? honestly, i learned and continue to learn more in my darkest moments. the more i explore objectively the sadness curled up inside, the more i release. 2012 already represents to me a year of letting go, of shifting and changing, of embracing and understanding. i am no longer trembling in anticipation of unhappiness.

i feel it already, this transition. in relationships, in thoughts, in my body. the other day, while posted up in pigeon and breathing ever so deeply, tension slipped out of my right hip, like someone pulled a thread and unraveled a few layers of stitching. it was a complete physical experience, one that totally elated me. additionally, i no longer look at myself and see problems. instead, i see myself truly, happily, without the transparent image of an unrealistic woman clouding my vision. i am not obsessive, controlling, or negative in thought. i am treating myself well on the food front, too. it’s been well over a month since i last binged and well over two months since i last purged. intuition seems to guide me through every meal and i feel calm around food. it feels right to treat myself well. it feels effortless in this moment to do so.

right now, the energy surrounding me feels reassuring. i am moving towards something bigger and greater than myself. i am supported, protected, and provided for. i am trusting, believing, relaxing, and moving on.

truly.

how does 2012 feel so far to you? any different than 2011?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i cannot get enough of this song…!

turnitupturnitupturnitup! and dance around, if you’re so inclined )

help, i’m alive (self-love sunday version)

i’m alive!

silent since january third but bubbling over with words the whole time. i missed the freedom of unloading onto a screen at the days end. i missed talking into space and seeing who replied. i missed sharing and communicating. i missed blogging for a second, sure, but not enough to trade the last five days for much.

basically, i spent the past five days in san francisco under an umbrella of blue sky paired with temperatures hovering somewhere in the low 60′s. i spent it surrounded by positive, loving, compassionate, passionate people. i spent it chatting over sidewalk cafe breakfasts and in kitchens cooking homemade vegan meals. i spent it laughing, loving, relaxing.

i am overwhelmingly blessed. i am overwhelmingly thankful. i am expanding and releasing and reveling, building up and breaking down. life rarely makes sense but right now, i understand its lessons a little more deeply. i feel plugged in again. ready to embrace it all — the good, the bad, and all the little bits in between. i feel ready to leave the past behind and step, finally, into this new chapter i’ve been trying to write for two years.

i have so much to write. so much to babble about. i’ll save that for another time. for now, simply enjoy your weekend. appreciate your blessings and where you are right now. the state of your soul is always beautiful

namaste

zoe

the day after

oh, christmas.

the holidays stress a lot of people out. for some reason, i always manage to avoid all the stress! my gifts end up homemade. the fear of “over indulging” in holiday food isn’t a fear at all. the holidays generally make me happy, actually. i love the warmth, the love, the togetherness. i especially love my family.

it was a loud christmas. 25 or so people packed into my childhood home. lots of food, lots of laughter, lots of wine. i think this was probably the best christmas to date, actually.

merry christmas and happy holidays! i hope it was a lovely one

best part of your christmas was _____?

namaste

zoe

sixteen hours alone

last week shook me off the tight rope.

(source)
the weirdness started on wednesday. i woke up thinly veiled in sadness. i spent the majority of the day working my mind around the reasons why. nothing really came up. i got frustrated and panicky and desperate.

soo i up and drove eight some odd hours to san diego to stay the weekend with my best friend. it was a much needed get away. much.

unfortunately, i’m still sad. but. now i know why.

eight hours there and eight hours back gave me a lot of time to think and sing really loudly and really obnoxiously. something like sixteen or so hours. i thought some funny thoughts. some sorrowful thoughts. weird thoughts. insightful thoughts.

the insightful thoughts are what i want to share. i spent a lot of time working over my emotions. the full moon fucked with some energy. PMS too (you guys. i cycled up with the moon cycle. wtf?) also, recently, the urge to binge has returned. the effortlessness of the past month and a half stalled, easy happiness right along with with it. i understand happiness cannot be constant (in fact, i don’t think it should be. that’s a thought for later.). however, the lack of enthusiasm and the sinking sadness are way too familiar and kind of scare me. troublesome thoughts that kind of scare me float into my consciousness sometimes now. that tightness is back, the one where it feel like i am a step away from the edge of some terrible uncontrollable, unknown. it’s like i’m hunkering down for the next storm.

the truth is this: i did not treat myself well last week. at all. far too little movement despite my body’s asking for it. far too many indulgences. far too many “steps back”. as a result, i am jumpy, unsettled, confused, and totally scared (on top of scared and deeply frustrated).

on the ride home today, i kept thinking about my body. some days i don’t feel it, but today i felt it. i still feel it. all the extra weight. all the emotion i am holding onto. often when i think about my body, i get angry. i get sad. i get weepy reminiscent. thinking about my body always triggers the urge to binge. i am so caught up in body-hatred sometimes. it stresses me out. i am tired of thinking about my body. i am tired of keeping tabs on it. i am tired of not trusting my intuition. i am tired of being angry, of continually fighting an impossible war.

then, a follow up thought:

I AM NOT MAD AT MY BODY: I AM MAD AT WHAT I DID TO IT. WHAT I DID TO IT. I AM MAD AT MY SELF.

you guys.

this is big. (for me anyway).

my therapist likes to tell me the body is neutral, that it reacts to your actions. it didn’t do anything but listen to you. you guys, why am i fighting myself? why am i continually choosing to hurt my body and my self? quite clearly, i am holding onto my past and punishing myself. i am sad i allowed myself to gain so much weight. i’m angry i lost all any sort of control. i’m frustrated and keep taking it out on myself.

i think that, in order to move forward, i need to truly forgive myself. i need to accept that what happened, happened, that every thing i am mad at already happened and i can’t change it. not a single thing. i need to meet myself where i am, now, and not where i dream to be (i don’t know that woman’s needs because i am not that woman. i only know the woman i am, right now). really though, i need to forgive me, just like i might forgive a friend who unintentionally hurt me. i need to stop being so hard on myself and be instead unbelievably kind. it’s time i relax. release. and move on.

this is going to be hard.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: always feel free to weigh in. i am a fan of honest feedback. it’s like a different perspective i can’t see, you know?)

why the holidays are not scary this year

every winter magazines roll out the same old same old.

the articles filled with tips and tricks and advice on avoiding weight gain. the lists upon lists upon fucking lists of eat this not that. instead of “share love and compassion this holiday season” we read “how to look hot this holiday!”. when, i wonder, did the holidays lose their focus on others and turn into focus of the body (not even the self)? no wonder food fills the role of arch nemesis during the holidays. our strict avoid-all-holiday-goodness-to-fit-into-your-jeans standard creates bingers out of non-bingers.

for a really long time the holidays felt like a wicked treat. the once-a-year indulgence in everything your eyes love. the eat and eat and eat because you can and because its there. holiday treats taunted me into a nasty game. especially the treats of the past two years. i dreaded the cakes, the pies, the cookies. the bowls of candies, the sees chocolates, the candied fruits. the words “no, thank you, i’m full” squeezed out through clenched teeth. as i watched my family laugh and smile and eat forkfuls of dessert, i slumped in my chair, swallowing back the waves of pride and envy.

well, we all know what happened when i finally snapped. i ate pie. i ate cake. i ate cookies and chocolate and candy. i ate all the things i stood so high above. and, you know, those magazines were right. my pants stopped fitting. holiday weight gain became something like a new sport, one i basically mastered in a matter of weeks.

however, when you slow down to honestly consider the holiday season and all its gluttonous treats, you’ll see the hysteria isn’t all that real. because, no matter how you dice it, christmas (or whichever special holiday you celebrate) is just another day. one we assign meaning to. one where the meals mean so much more then the day before or the day after. where the foods we eat take on labels like “good” or “bad” to such ridiculous levels of heightened craziness. binge eating on christmas or any other holiday isn’t that fun. feeling sick and bloated and uncomfortable isn’t what the holidays are about. right? plus, pie is avaliable all year round anyway. so are cake, cookies, chocolate, and candy (just ask me. i know all about it.). so why do we continuously make holiday desserts out to be hit men after our own bodies? pie is just fucking pie.

for the first time in years i am not scared of the holidays. i am not terrified of over eating (i didn’t on thanksgiving!) or gaining weight. i’m not thinking about what to eat. i’m not thinking about counting calories. i’m not thinking about doing anything other than what i’ve been doing: eating how i like to eat and moving how i like to move. i’m not treating this holiday season as anything other than a special time i get to celebrate the love in my life. there will be no battles of will-power fought this year. this realization alone left me so god damn happy. PIE ISN’T SCARY OR CONTROLLING!

this christmas i encourage you to give up the magazine chatter. i encourage you to listen to your intuition, your inner guide, to bring you to the right choices for you. if you want dessert, eat dessert. if you don’t, then don’t. just don’t sacrifice what you really want in order to fulfill the rules someone else wrote.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: by the way, i kind of feel like i need to clarify something. i am IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM saying that i am better than anyone. i am not saying that all magazines suck. if you happen to get a lot of comfort from them, then that’s great! what i am saying is don’t live in fear of the holidays. don’t subscribe to someone else’s way of living if it just doesn’t suit you.

p.p.s: i really hope that came across.

p.p.p.s: i think it goes without saying, but the photos are mine. please don’t steal )

another perspective

first: wow dude.

why did i always assume no one picked her cuticles? it sounds like a lot of us share the (apparently way common) self-soothing habit of picking. weird how people can develop similar strategies of coping miles away from each other. see? we’re all connected somehow.

i digress…

second: i am learning to flip the perspective more fluidly.

it used to be second nature to immediately sink into negativity. dragging myself down when i was already down made sense. you know? but now i question every negative thought. i try to see the positive, if only to try and drag myself up and out of the hole i am digging.

last night i basically binged really hard and purged. thoughtlessly. eventually i rolled myself into bed, sick-full, half sugar-comaed, and fucking deeply disappointed. where did the urgent binges come from? what hole did they crawl out of to sabotage me?

i expected to wake up sad. depressed. murky. destructive. somehow though, i managed to stand up. i managed to shower. i managed to withhold judgement. i managed. without getting attached to (i.e: becoming) my emotions. i also managed to have a bit of a tough-love talk with myself…

i took my feeling better for granted. i definitely used the positive space to excuse negative behavior. like over eating and not calling it a binge. like allowing myself to skip meals and calling it normal. like indulging in foods i know make me feel sick and calling it okay. no more excuses. health and happiness require attention in the early days of its blossoming. shrugging off unhealthy behaviors is like shruggling off responsibility. people will not always be there to slap your wrist and tell you to knock it off. if we are unable to build solid foundations, we’ll all eventually crumble. health and happiness, i’m starting to see, require diligence. especially right now, while i am building my foundation.

and, right now, i am torturing myself slowly by refusing to give up small habits severing me no purpose. it feels like i’m losing my proverbial last “five to ten pounds”. you know? it’s the stubborn habits that won’t shed themselves from me. i floated away there for a second. beginning the process of regrounding myself today.

one of the best ways to flip the perspective? look through a different lens! (yes! win for pun-ey camera jokes!) but, really, i am falling (back) in love with photography. did i mention i took it in high school and for a semester in college? black and white film. now-a-days i shoot more on the digital side. regardless, it helps frame the world for me in brighter hues.

today i flip the perspective.
no more fear.
no more hostility.
no more bullshit.
just a gentle, mindful awareness.

today’s the day i start over.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: all photos are mine. please don’t steal.

p.p.s: all photos came from my iphone. camera-camera photos coming soon.

p.p.p.s: anyone else on instagram? come find me. @zofasho.)

thursday is thankful turkey day

happy thanksgiving, lovelies.

(source…this is my favorite part of thanksgiving outside of being with my family. iheartpumpkinpie!)

i am feeling bright, inspired, happy, and calm today.

not like last thanksgiving.
last thanksgiving, i ran four miles and skipped breakfast. and lunch.
last thanksgiving i filled up on vegetables, a minuscule round of mashed potatoes, and no turkey.
last thanksgiving i avoided the dessert table because why undo the hard work of four miles?
last thanksgiving i was sad.

this thanksgiving?
i woke up around 10:30 and took pictures of my backyard in all its grayness (lots of cloud cover).
i walked one mile and did two miles of intervals.
i ate salmon and asparagus for breakfast (slash lunch.)
i will be eating turkey for the first time in two years (!) (though, honestly, thanksgiving turkey always kind of sucked. way too dry. and i hate gravy. i know, why kind of american am i?)
i will not avoid the dessert table out of desire to avoid eating but, rather, out of compassion for and understanding of my health and body. (sugar hates me. i cry.)
this thanksgiving, i am happy.

and so very, very thankful.
i am thankful for my health.
i am thankful for this body.
i am thankful for the lessons learned.
i am thankful for all the hard times and all the good ones in between.
i am thankful for my amazing, supportive family.
i am thankful for my patient, sweet friends.
i am thankful for this sense of peace i experience more deeply every day.
i am thankful for yoga.
i am thankful for finally coming back to myself.
i am thankful for my roommates, who are saving me without knowing it.
i am thankful for all the beauty surrounding me.
i am thankful for the beautiful, solid upbringing i received. (sometimes, you don’t know how lucky you really are until, well, you know.)
i am thankful for my life.

i am also thankful for you.
every single one of you who reads these words and reaches out and connects. i am thankful to feel purposeful and humbled and challenged. i am thankful for all your kind words and your continued support. it means more to me than you know.

have a beautiful thanksgiving. enjoy the abundance of life. you’re worth it.

what are you thankful for?

namaste

zoe

things cooking taught me

i love to cook.

cooking ended up being a topic i stopped talking about a long while back. i think the whole terrified-of-food business coupled with not eating helped that trend along. since reigning in all those demons, the kitchen feels friendly again. it feels like a solid, warm place to spend our wet, chilly winter in.

i grew up in the kitchen. my dad went to cooking school and was a chef for something like ten years before he took on another profession. my grandma cooks, my uncle cooks, my aunts cook, my cousins cook. not sure where i got the love for the kitchen at…

for a really long time though, the kitchen frustrated me. i used to throw things together with great confidence only to sit down and eat something completely different than the food in my mind’s eye. why oh why did nothing turn out perfectly? why oh why did i mess up all the time?

the kitchen teaches me to laugh instead of scream.
the kitchen teaches me it’s okay to get dirty.
the kitchen teaches me patience (oh, miles and miles of patience).
the kitchen teaches me humility.
the kitchen teaches me love.
the kitchen teaches me confidence.

i think the most important lesson i’ve learned after all these years of sauteing, flipping, roasting, baking, burning, breaking, and making, is nothing will ever be perfect because perfection doesn’t exist.

it’s difficult to participate in a kitchen (or life) if you worry so much about the details. it’s difficult to find the happiness in cooking if you find no fun in cooking. the kitchen, it you allow it to, can lighten up life a little bit.

yesterday i baked for the first time in months. for a friend. and let me tell you. these babies were definitely a labor of love. and definitely worth it.

(chocolate cupcakes, stuffed with carmel kisses, and topped with carmel frosting and all made with lots of love. everything home made…minus the kisses.)

i found myself laughing and frustrated at the same time. i found myself racing from the computer to the stove and back again. i found myself dancing and singing and cursing.

sigh. i love cooking.

do you?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: one other thing i’ve found while cooking? i without fail always, always, always listen to amy winehouse and/or adele. or the otis redding station on pandora. something about jazzy blues gets me in the cooking mood i suppose!

p.p.s: you guys. how do i get onto pinterest. help.)