self-love sunday: love isn’t conditional

i wrote something the other day.

(source)
about a friend and a conversation.
about a friend and gratitude.

i keep thinking about it.

specifically:

the people who love me most are the people i hurt the most.

because i do. i take for granted the love. the support. the affection and attention. i choose to mis-interpret, to build dramas founded on whimsical thoughts.

to be honest:

i think i am a shitty friend (and daughter. and occasional lover).

i think i tarnished a lot of relationships because i tested people. i tested their capacity to love me. i asked for love without ever actually asking for it. and i always got it. overwhelming amounts of the stuff. i got love so deep i got scared.

i distrusted the relationships i held with people because i never thought beautiful, honest, forgiving, loving relationships existed for me. i thought they might go away. that they were conditional. that i needed to be someone else first. because of lessons learned in horrible, no good relationships. consequently, i’ve strained relationships where nothing but love ever existed. i was the only suspicious one. i tested the boundaries of my friendships to test the extent of other’s love for me.

for that i am regretful.

for that i am embarrassed.

for that i am apologetic.

but.

i know now:

love exists for me.

real, unconditional love.

right now.

and, you know, it’s okay for me to take it.

it’s okay for me to express my love for others, to not always expect some back. it doesn’t mean i am any less seen, any less loved. no one is out to get me. i can drop my suspicions. i can trust. i can believe in the relationships in my life. i can believe in myself.

enough to end the silent investigations.
enough to be content with what was shared if a relationship fades.
enough to soften, to accept what is without over thinking.

enough to simply be.

namaste

zoe

things you learn on a hike

1) SPONTANEOUS HIKES WITH SIBLINGS ARE LOVELY

2) NATURE CONTINUES TO SWEEP ME OFF MY FEET

3) THE SOUND OF NOTHING BUT BIRDS AND THE WIND IS A GIFT

4) MY BROTHER REMINDS ME THERE IS MORE TO LAUGH AT IN LIFE THAN CRY ABOUT.

5) AND MAKES ME LAUGH TILL I HURT.

6) I AM FALLING IN LOVE WITH PHOTOGRAPHY (AGAIN) — NO NEED TO LIMIT MY CREATIVITY TO WORDS ONLY.

7) I AM SURROUNDED BY LOVE AND BEAUTY, ALWAYS.

8) I AM SO LUCKY TO LIVE HERE, TO CALL THIS MY BACKYARD.

namaste

zoe

today (with fat-talk)

our family gathered to celebrate my grandma’s upcoming ninety-first birthday today.

(source)

a story for another day, perhaps. because today, i want to talk about a conversation my parents had in the car today. a conversation i overheard.

my dad: e (my cousin, his niece) looks like she put on a few lbs (pounds).

my mom: well and that dress she was wearing was not flattering at all.

my dad: yeah.

my mom: so few people can wear those dresses. you have to have like, nothing on you to wear those dresses.

up until this conversation, i only looked at my cousin in the long-sleeve, floor length, oceanic blue dress and thought, “e looks really, really nice.” (because she did). true, she wears a body with more curves. true, her stomach is round (like mine). true, most people believe semi-form fitting dresses belong only to the “skinny people” (referring to them as the “skinny people” like they’re a class above, worthier of all things (we’re all equal)).

no one, however, owns the rights to insulting someone else’s body. if someone feels her most comfortable in a mini skirt and a tank top but wears it with unfamiliar curves (because how often do we see larger people in tighter clothing?) let her dress as she pleases. people are people are people. we’re not bodies. we’re what’s on the inside. we’re souls with words to speak and love to share. we’re not the size of our legs or arms or stomachs.

i am getting to a point where judgmental fat shaming comments are starting to really piss me off.

they’re kind of everywhere.
in movies.
on t.v.
in jokes.
in conversations between your parents in the front seat.

the thing is, making fun of or speaking poorly of fat people isn’t funny. it’s insulting. it’s demeaning. it’s condescending and wickedly inappropriate.

what message do we send little girls dreaming of growing up and wearing pretty dresses and tops and skirts? you have to be this tall and this wide to qualify for said clothing. what cultural messages do we perpetuate, no matter how much we realize how fucked up that message is?

i don’t like listening to people comment on other’s weights. i don’t like the assumptions, the low-brow insults, the mockery. why are overweight people a target (especially by other overweight people!)? why do we think it’s okay to totally tear down a person based on his or her outsides?

i think a lot of the time the jokes or the comments or the blatant disrespect aren’t spoken consciously. the statements come from our cultural influences about fat and what it means. we thoughtlessly reiterate the doctrine of bullshit we’ve been submerged in our entire lives. in our society, we’re conditioned to view and think about overweight people in particular, generally negative ways. but, when you really get down to it, there are worse things to be than fat. you could hurt people. you could manipulate people. you could be selfish or greedy or rude. so why all this focus on fat? why so much shaming and chastising and judging? when are we going to stop seeing people as bodies and start seeing them as souls?

the body image revolution starts when we get angry enough to speak up. when we stop body snarking other people along with ourselves. when we see each other as equals, not as “you can wear this dress” and “you can’t“.

namaste

zoe

you all are so sweet

i wish i could hug you tighttighttight and tell you how much i appreciate you.

instead i can only offer you words on a screen from a place you don’t know. i hope it’ll suffice.

anyway, not much to say today other than i am tired. i ate too much last night and it affected the healing aspect of sleep (i did sleep like a rock — it just doesn’t feel like it). it’s raining again. but we need the rain so i am trying to appreciate it instead of resent it. i had a wonderful talk with my mom last night. i cried and cried and tried to explain everything i am thinking and feeling. it’s funny how much we discount our parents. they were our age once, too. mostly it felt great to unload a little bit, to have someone tell me it’s okay, that it will be okay.

for now i am heading off to san diego again for another little three day romp. this time i am bringing along one of my closest friends. we’re driving so we’ll have a lot of time to talk, listen to music, and enjoy the changing scenery (i have a feeling it’s not raining down south). i am hoping a little vacation from life and from myself will refill my wells of motivation and inspiration. fingers and toes crossed.

have a lovely sunday.

and thank you, again.

namaste

zoe

about a bracelet

i have an aunt i only see on holidays.

one of my dad’s older sisters. she lives about forty-five minutes away but, for one reason or another, life only allows us to visit on major holidays like thanksgiving, christmas, and my yia-yia’s (grandmother in greek) birthday. in the past, conversation included only a few words, possibly just a hello, how are you, and the eventual goodbye. i never felt close to her as i did to other aunts. however, quite luckily, in the past few years our relationship worked its way out of its plateau. conversation flows quickly, wish shared smiles. we share so much more in common than i ever thought.

through the years, despite the status of our relationship, my aunt always boxed me up a little gift for the holidays. generally, i open up the small packages to discover a delicate, beautiful piece of vintage jewelry. she knows my tastes well, as hers mirror mine almost to a t.

i love funky, old pieces. rings, necklaces, earrings, and bracelets of the vintage variety always catch my eye. when my mom’s mom died, i got the chance to rifle through her life of jewelry. talk about special treasures! like my grandma, i am slowly accumulating a bright, unique collection of jewelry, a big chunk of it coming from my aunt. this christmas, my aunt did not disappoint.

she bought me a bracelet with a story.

and a name: the mother-in-law bracelet.

in india, the birthplace of my new bracelet, men are freely allowed to beat their wives. an exception to the rule exists, however, as exceptions usually do. if, on the day of marriage, the bride’s mother-in-law presents the bride with the mother-in-law bracelet, the mother-in-law wordlessly cloaks her new daughter-in-law in protection. with the mother-in-law bracelet, a wife can forever be shielded from the wrath of her husband. she will forever be protected.

my aunt doesn’t know of my struggles. we’re not close enough for me to open up about my issues. but she does know i love stories. she knows i love jewelry like this. she knows of my fascination with india. and she loves me enough to offer me the gift of protection.

and that, my loves, is a gift in and of itself.

namaste

zoe

the day after

oh, christmas.

the holidays stress a lot of people out. for some reason, i always manage to avoid all the stress! my gifts end up homemade. the fear of “over indulging” in holiday food isn’t a fear at all. the holidays generally make me happy, actually. i love the warmth, the love, the togetherness. i especially love my family.

it was a loud christmas. 25 or so people packed into my childhood home. lots of food, lots of laughter, lots of wine. i think this was probably the best christmas to date, actually.

merry christmas and happy holidays! i hope it was a lovely one

best part of your christmas was _____?

namaste

zoe

self-love sunday

it’s been an interesting sunday.

(source)
(side note: i kind of hate the word interesting. it’s like a placeholder for way, way better description. it’s annoyingly vague. so. uh. let me get to explaining i guess.)

instead of waiting out another full week, i decided to move home today. um moving fucking sucks. who knew i owned enough shit to pack two cars full? like, seriously. it makes me feel gluttonous. and like a hoarder. thankfully, i am able to sort through what i want and what i need to desperately throw away. additionally, i already reallyreally miss my roommates. one in particular. i feel disconnected and know the change of routine will be slightly jarring for a few weeks (but i understand i really, really need a change right now so i am welcoming it) before i root myself in a little more deeply.

despite the frustration of moving, i am relieved to be sitting on the couch in my family’s home. already i feel more settled emotionally. last week and the week before that really roughed me up. i was overwhelmed, scared, and hurting. moving home is the best choice for me right now.

which brings me to this weeks self-love: take care of yourself.

meaning, understand your needs.
meaning, help yourself — be your friend.
meaning, listen to your intuition.

treating yourself well may require you to implement massive change. or it may only mean switching up something small like cutting out dairy because it disagrees with your body (i may or may not be writing that for myself). regardless, knowing what your needs are and knowing how to fulfill them ultimately brings a greater sense of self and a greater sense of peace. taking care of yourself might be the best thing you can do for your health (mental, emotional, spiritual as well as physical. i feel like the majority of americans focus primarily on physical health as opposed to focusing on all aspects of health.).

i’m going to leave it at that for the day. i don’t feel like i am writing this out very well so i hope you understand what i’m saying (for some reason i’ve had a really hard time communicating this week). that and i’m sleepy and in desperate need of a shower.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i told my mom about the eating disorder today.

p.p.s: i am sosoSO happy to be home!)

ch-ch-ch-chaaaanges

so much to say.

so, so much.

almost too much. because now i am sitting here trying to hammer it all out at once. which can be overwhelming. i guess i’ll just come out with it. explanations can come later, right?

change is coming. change is here:

i put in my two weeks at REI yesterday.
i am moving home, to my parents, in two weeks.

and if that wasn’t enough:

i am (hopefully) starting summer school courses ’round june.

because i am:

(hopefully) attempting to have a stab at naturopathy medicine.

you see, a few weeks ago i cracked open a book my mama picked up for me at the library (dig this gig) in an attempt to steer me toward a more solid career path. and nevermind the fact i opened it up the day before it was due. in it, i read up on jobs in medicine. i never knew naturopathy existed — i only know i believe in and love natural, preventative medicine. i’ve always known i love caring for people and i’ve always known how much i’ve wanted to help people (i loved when i was 19 and told everyone i was going to become a social service worker and everyone told me “there’s no money in that!”.) putting together something i love and believe in with my career dreams and goals felt magical. i then promptly called my mom and told her thanks for the book.

additionally, about two days ago a very close, very pragmatic friend and i shared a conversation. i tend to get so lost in decisions and indecision that i require an outsiders perspective to sort me out. my very close friend is usually one of the ones to pull me out of my own mess. basically, we talked at length about my struggles. she urged me to move home. and, to be honest, my intuition has been screaming at me to go home for months upon months upon months. when i first started to fall apart i should have gone home. my gut told me so. when i needed support and protection in my most vulnerable moment, i did not move toward support and protection. i am fortunate enough to have two unbelievably supportive, loving, understand, compassionate parents. it’s time i listen to my self. home will be grounding, centering, and rebuilding. creepier still? my tarot cards told me to go home, too. so i am. in two weeks time i will be in my old bedroom, the one i slept in from seven to seventeen. it will be challenging almost as much as it will be rewarding.

i quit my job because i felt no connection to it anymore. i felt under appreciated and like “just another vest” (it was silly of me to think i would be anything else. retail is retail is retail.). which sucks, because i will miss a few people. i will miss a lot of people, actually. but i can’t work right now, not when my head is still a mess and my needs are continually not being met. so for the first month i am home, i will not be working. i plan on joining a yoga studio and yoga-ing my heart out. i plan on cooking daily for my family. i plan on writing, doing arts and crafts, and enjoying health. i plan on feeling supported and protected.

i’m incredibly excited. i feel like i am finally leaving this chapter of my life behind and starting the one i’ve been wanting to write for a year.

oh, and just cause this has been random enough:

i ate chocolate-banana pancakes today with coconut cream. #bestwaytostartoffathursdayever.

namaste

zoe

finding your passion

i graduated college a year ago this december.

last december i turned in my final final paper, laughed maniacally whilst stifling screams and tears. finally, freedom. funny thing though, this new-found freedom. it was freedom yes, but not in the story-book sense i understood.

school no longer bound me to schedules and stress. late nights and tests and registration no longer occupied my mind. no one told me what to do. no one assigned me work with assumed expectations. the semester following my final semester, i lost myself. the wide-open time (oh, so much time) scared me. no one expected anything from me anymore. with no papers or exams or school to look forward to, i sunk into a depression. my whole life i listened to other people. i followed a close routine: school, winter break, school, summer break repeatrepeatrepeat till age twenty-one. with that foundation suddenly dissolved from under me, i collapsed onto something rocky and unformed.

as i stood there, newly graduated and newly born into the “real world”, i felt alone. so alone. i choose to stay in my college town, choose to stay surrounded by friends i no longer related to and who no longer related to me. school occupied their days. free time and work occupied mine. their stresses and struggles were not my own. communicating the deep sadness and confusion welling inside of me was difficult, nearly impossible even. not only were the friends i loved (and still love) unable to empathize with me, but their school oriented focus kept them from trying.

family and friends asked me continuously what my next move was. i never knew how to answer because “i don’t know” brought uncomfortable “ohs” and nods accompanied with arched eyebrows and mouths downturned in withheld judgement. i always threw out ideas of what i might consider pursuing but never anything i really felt attached to.

no one tells you this: after college, you’ll have no idea what the fuck to do. you’ll have ideas and urges and wants. maybe some of you know how to escape the awkward transition period between college and therestofyourlife. you’re lucky, you select few. but the majority of us new college graduates have no idea what direction to turn. i wish someone told me this was okay and normal. because, really, how do you know what you’re going to want to do at twenty-one?

i am only (newly) twenty-two now. but in the year since i graduated, i have experienced so much and learned lessons beyond explanation. i took the time to figure out myself and my true desires before i arrived at what feels like a solid trailhead to the rest of my life. i took the time to find my own path, not the path others wanted to push me on to.

figuring out what you want to do is not easy. it will most likely not involve the degree you worked so hard to earn. but figuring out what you want to do can happen. listen to your heart, your intuition. discover what excites you. uncover what ignites your passion and follow it to the source. i am a firm believer in doing what you believe in and doing what you love. sometimes, it takes a long time to figure out just what, exactly, your ‘thing‘ is. sometimes it takes a lot of trial and error. but never be afraid to start over. a life without passion is just that — passionless. so find yours. live fully. live passionate. live the life you want to live, not the life you think you should live.

There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.
Nelson Mandela

namaste

zoe

(p.s: this is a hint. decisions and plans are being made. things are happening but not quite yet. not to the point where there is news to be shared. only hints.)

thursday is thankful turkey day

happy thanksgiving, lovelies.

(source…this is my favorite part of thanksgiving outside of being with my family. iheartpumpkinpie!)

i am feeling bright, inspired, happy, and calm today.

not like last thanksgiving.
last thanksgiving, i ran four miles and skipped breakfast. and lunch.
last thanksgiving i filled up on vegetables, a minuscule round of mashed potatoes, and no turkey.
last thanksgiving i avoided the dessert table because why undo the hard work of four miles?
last thanksgiving i was sad.

this thanksgiving?
i woke up around 10:30 and took pictures of my backyard in all its grayness (lots of cloud cover).
i walked one mile and did two miles of intervals.
i ate salmon and asparagus for breakfast (slash lunch.)
i will be eating turkey for the first time in two years (!) (though, honestly, thanksgiving turkey always kind of sucked. way too dry. and i hate gravy. i know, why kind of american am i?)
i will not avoid the dessert table out of desire to avoid eating but, rather, out of compassion for and understanding of my health and body. (sugar hates me. i cry.)
this thanksgiving, i am happy.

and so very, very thankful.
i am thankful for my health.
i am thankful for this body.
i am thankful for the lessons learned.
i am thankful for all the hard times and all the good ones in between.
i am thankful for my amazing, supportive family.
i am thankful for my patient, sweet friends.
i am thankful for this sense of peace i experience more deeply every day.
i am thankful for yoga.
i am thankful for finally coming back to myself.
i am thankful for my roommates, who are saving me without knowing it.
i am thankful for all the beauty surrounding me.
i am thankful for the beautiful, solid upbringing i received. (sometimes, you don’t know how lucky you really are until, well, you know.)
i am thankful for my life.

i am also thankful for you.
every single one of you who reads these words and reaches out and connects. i am thankful to feel purposeful and humbled and challenged. i am thankful for all your kind words and your continued support. it means more to me than you know.

have a beautiful thanksgiving. enjoy the abundance of life. you’re worth it.

what are you thankful for?

namaste

zoe