chasing the sun

after work today i biked feverishly to catch the sunset.

i worked my way through nearly ten odd miles of golden lit paths, breathless against the bite of the wind and the far-away warmth of the sun. it felt good to feel my heart pumping madly.

i saw another super dope hawk!

and felt again the gratitude which lightens my days.

now i find myself dressed up and wearing make-up for the first time since burning man. it’s b-man decompression night up here! i.e: IMMA DANCE MY BOOTY OFF.

namaste

zoe

what’s working

things are looking up!

(source)

(anyone remember the kaiser commercial with the little chubby blonde boy talking about his health? the one at the end where he said things are looking up? so, so sweet.)

i am finally hammering down what works for my good old body. my skin is glowing again (seriously. and a lot of wrinkles are gone!) — not looking like a pimpled out sixteen-year-old’s. my hair is thick and grows like a weed (it’s taking over my face. haircut?). my nails are strong. my stomach no longer hurts after every meal. i am not ravenous throughout the day. the much unappreciated bloating has left me alone (thank god). my bathroom visits are consistent. so is my period (remember i lost it for 9 months?). i do not think about food outside of when i am hungry (this is HUGE). my mood swings have lessened significantly (so much so that i was surprised to get my last period. usually i’m irritable and teary beyond all belief. last time? nothing.). the best part though? i’m just fucking happy.

now i contribute these (radical) changes with a few things.

protein.

protein has stabilized my body. i credit it for killing the binges.

specifically eggs.

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oh sweet baby jesus, do i love me some eggs! i eat, on average, one to two a day. usually in the morning time. i am full without feeling stuffed and energized for long bouts of time.

in addition to eggs, i added chicken, fish, and turkey back into my life. yes kids, you heard right — i am eating meat again. i fully believe a plant based diet can help so, so many people. i am simply not one of them. i tried. i tried so hard. but there is no denying how much better i feel with animal protein back in my life.

another biggie?

cutting back on carbs and upping the veggies.

(source)
to be honest, i am dabbling in the paleo lifestyle. this includes cutting out grains. however, i know from past experience that i cannot cut out grains one hundred percent. otherwise, i am risking walking back into binge world — a place i seriously do not want to be. so, i usually eat one serving of grains a day, preferably in the morning or around lunch time. otherwise, i feel distended. night time is no time for carbs (for me). usually, i replace the carbs with veggies. veggies at breakfast? okay with me! veggies all day? bring it

adding fat has helped.

(source)
i kicked peanut butter and almond butter out of my fridge (the sight of it makes me gag. too many months spent bingeing on it.). now, my nut butter of choice is tahini (technically a seed butter). so delicious!

i love avocados (as always), ghee (why oh why did it take me so long to find this?), olive oil, and small servings of (preferably raw) cheese. yum!

i say small because dairy straight hates me.

no yogurt. no fro-yo (so. sad.). no ice cream. no milk. otherwise, i am a gas machine and uncomfortably bloated with minor stomach pains. raw dairy helps.

last but not least, the biggest and best change thus far has been cutting out sugar.

(source)
i react ridiculously strong to sugar. white sugar, primarily. compare it to an addiction. if i eat something sweet, i usually crave more. andmoreandmoreandmore. it’s a cycle that induces binges for me and one i am able to manage only if i keep sugar out of my life. it also plagues me with mood swings and depression. i really don’t like that. so that means no white sugar, no maple syrup, no agave, no fake sweeteners. if i want to feel my best, i avoid added sugar. i am trying not to drop sugar cold turkey (cold turkey never works for me). instead, i am phasing it out. so far, so good!

i’ve overhauled my exercise routine, too.

(source)
yoga has saved my life. again. i cannot stress to you how much stronger i am, physically and mentally, after picking up yoga again. i only practice two to four times a week but it has made such a difference in my physical, emotional, and spiritual appearance. i am grounded and centered, strong and happy. i love yoga.

something else i love? intervals. i decided i hate running. did i tell you i got to the last week of the c25k running program and went, “eff this” and dropped it? cause i did. i don’t want to spend time doing things i hate. intervals though? gimme gimme moooore! (sidenote: remember that b-spears song???). i’ve always been a sprinter (why i played forward in soccer). so it only makes sense i prefer sprints to hour long distance runs. bleh.

i still climb (though not nearly as much as i want). and i bike everywhere i can. iheartmybike. i love walking too. it always wakes me up. hiking rocks as does jillian michael’s videos (primarily the shred series). i am thinking of dipping my toe into the weight lifting pool but for now, i am still too scaredy cat to go in without my floaties (aka my brother, the lifter).

oh, and real random, but going out has helped a lot, too. i am a social person. always have been and always will. locking myself in the house does me more bad than it does good. interacting with people provides room for play in my life, something i think everyone needs to be lighthearted.

and there you have it, loves. what’s working for me, right now. i am happy. and feeling more whole every day. i apologize for the long post but, a lot has changed. it took a lot of listening to my body, observing my intuition (yours is there! promise!), and giving up “rules”. why should you live by someone else’s rules when you know your body and your needs the best?

enjoy your weekend! i have to work till 6:30 today. WEAK. but i will do it all with a smile. just cause

what have you changed for the better this year?

namaste

zoe

self-love sunday

(self-love) sunday!

(source)

my favorite day of the week. no work. no work tomorrow. just easy bliss.

sundays allow me to ground myself and quiet my mind. i usually laze around and wake up dreamy slow. brunch and coffee always follow suit (though, i ate at the farmer’s market today and still need to pick up a coffee…!). generally, sundays provide me a healthy, happy time to reflect.

early in the week i spoke with a friend. in our conversation we discussed the frantic, self-created need to constantly be on top of all the things we feel we should be on top of: school, work, exercise, our social scenes. we both are born from the instant gratification generation, though, personally, i think our technologic age bridges the generation gaps. america, it seems, lives by the beat of its pulse. every moment feels planned, every day mapped out. we go, go, go till we crumble beneath the unattainable concept of perfection. success and failure become our only two options. no one wants to fail so we berate ourselves into achievement, motivating ourselves with harsh self-talk, particularly if we do not accomplish what we set out to do immediately.

but what about the concept of ease?

for a long, solid time i lived in the black and white world of perfectionism. if i attempted something and did not reach the (impossible) goals i paved out for myself, i abandoned said something almost instantly. or i pushed and pushed and pushed myself unhealthily till i reached the end i sought. who wants to feel like a failure anyway?

however, living in such a rigid state set me up for “failure” more than it did “success”. it’s how i ended up with a compulsive exercise problem. it’s how i ended up with an eating disorder. it’s how i ended up depressed for so, so long. i never stopped to consider the time it took to reach the goals i molded for myself. i never eased my body into anything. i wanted to run ten miles so i did (without proper training or long distance running knowledge). i wanted to become vegan (after only a handful of months living as a vegetarian) so i did. i wanted to bend myself into asanas (requiring years of practice) so i did. i simply wanted to instantly be the best at everything i tackled, regardless of whether it took ample time or not.

yet, we do not live in such a black and white world. for the majority of people approaching anything, whether it be eating healthier or moving more (or even reading more!), requires baby steps. it sounds silly but how often have you burnt yourself out after a few weeks of trying your new “thing”? how often have you shrugged and said “forget it” for no real reason other than the results you wished for did not happen immediately? building healthy, positive habits asks for patience, time, and forgiveness. there are no “slip ups” out here in the grey area. just choices. and life.

ease into new beginnings. you want to eat better and move on the regular? try not to do slip into “all or nothing” mode, particularly if eating well and moving frequently are new concepts to you. perhaps try adding them into your life one by one. you want to eat better? try adding more vegetables to your plate for one week and focus primarily on that goal. see what happens. do not judge the results. the following week, address your second goal: move more. make it a priority to move say, at least three times during the week. move when the moment strikes you. move in the manner you enjoy. again, see what happens. see how you feel, how your body feels. and again, try not to judge what happens.

i all but dropped healthy eating and moving a few months ago. if i couldn’t manage to eat well everysinglesecond of everysingleday, clearly i sucked at eating well and didn’t need to bother trying. if i couldn’t manage to move more than three days a week, i blew it off altogether. when i decided to rebuild my life though, i eased into healthy eating and moving. i added more veggies to more meals. i took walks and did yoga and rode my bike because i liked to, not because i felt i “should”. i’m finding the more i ease into healthy, positive habits, the more natural it becomes. i crave regular movement and vegetables again, not because i feel i “need” these things, but because i want there things. they help me settle into my most happy and balanced self. when i feel panic-ey about my progress,i am quick to remind myself that i am in a process. and processes take time, patience, and unending compassion for yourself and your situation.

whatever journey you are on, just remember to be gentle. move with ease. remember to breathe. remember to laugh. and remember that, above all, that perfection does not exist. you’re always good enough, even when you feel you’re not.

do you ever tangle yourself up in the black and white web? what happens? have you given up something you enjoy because you felt you weren’t “good enough”?

namaste

zoe

anxious and aware (and really frustrated)

i went to sleep feeling anxious and woke up feeling anxious.

(source. and everything i am experiencing.)
anxiety sucks.

get ready for a stream of consciousness type of post.

i am sitting here trying to figure out why i am restless, overly-hot, and slightly nauseous. why i want to move, move, move. mostly, i am trying to figure out why the idea of restriction keeps bubbling up into my mind. i think this happens when i am anxious.

i have a bad, horrible, no good tendency to work myself up. in doing so, i usually end up feeling overwhelmed and intimidated. this present case of anxiety has everything to do with recovery from binge eating and bulimia. during quiet moments my mind slips away to the future. an imagined one, of course, because i have no idea what my future actually looks like. but in the manifestations of my mind i see health and happiness. far too often i see the body i want: healthy, happy, balanced.

and then the future falls away. i tumble back into reality, lose sight of those pretty, sparkling pictures from a fabricated future. instead i see the stepping stones i must leap to and from. i see the work, the challenge, the commitment. and then i shut down.

is it bad that i am bothered by the fact that i can’t just let go of body image? is it bad that i want to short cut it all and just stop eating to get where i want to get, at least physically? is it bad that i am frustrated at myself for not feeling able to simply breathe and acknowledge this is, quite literally, a step-by-step process requiring patience? is it bad that i am angry at myself for completely shutting off and shutting down whenever i am confronted with hard work? is it bad i don’t think i am capable of actually doing hard work?

what i don’t think is bad is this: finally seeing how much i need to relax. finally understanding how much this self-induced anxiety drives my eating disorder. finally acknowledging that, maybe, i need to just stop over thinking….everything and let.it.be. or at the very least acknowledge that i am in a process.

i just don’t know how to escape my head. or not be overly analytical.

i apologize for how rambling this post is but i am in a rambling mood. when i spin myself dizzy word vomit tends to be a nasty side effect. i am hoping a nice run will help calm me down. maybe some climbing, too. i work later this evening, something i am surprisingly thankful for. evenings are my most difficult space of time and work generally has the power to remove myself from the murky thoughts. really, i’m just hoping to end the day on a non-anxious note. fingers crossed for good results!

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i already feel better after getting all that out. thanks for listening to my jumbled mess of words.)

applying the past to the future

bingeing in the car alone is the loneliest place i’ve ever been.

(source)

i really don’t want to go back.

throwing roommates into the life of a binger really complicates things. the routine and easy sense of freedom go away. embarrassment joins shame now in the quiet moments after sinking back into reality amidst wrappers and crumbs. binges become planned events, secret single-person parties held in the moments alone in the house. or, worse, they turn into desperation: slipping out of the house because you “have to do something” when really, all you’re doing is shoveling cookies into your mouth as you drive around aimlessly, hardly thinking beyond stopping for red lights and maintaining the speed limit for green ones.

today i managed to reenter my conscious a little early. a piece of my healthy self still putting up a fight pulled me back into sense. i managed to not gogogo until i hit the bottom of the box. for this, i am so, so thankful.

i am thankful i chose to take a moment to reflect without judgement, too. did i feel disappointment? yes. did i feel regret? some what. did i come into new realization? do i ever not?

as i sat in the space of the aftermath, i got to thinking about my past addiction to exercise. the urges i experienced overwhelmed me at times with guilt, shame, and anxiety. if a day passed without exercise, i found my chest tight, my thoughts racing, my guilty conscious disassembling any idea of peace. i couldn’t talk, rest, eat, think. as i sat in the car tonight, i got to wondering about how the hell i managed to get over that.

i used to say i never knew how i weened myself off exercise. i used to say i never knew how i controlled those urges and refused to follow them to their ends. tonight, however, i paid close attention to the past. i recalled the tense moments, the voice cooing me into believing “just another mile” wouldn’t hurt. and i remember the voice that stood up in opposition. it sounded from a place of compassion. it fought back against the voice intent on further destroying my sanity. the kind, gentle voice guided me to my intuition, helped me believe in that intuition and helped me rebuild a healthy relationship with exercise. i was sweet toward myself, forgiving, patient and unconditionally loving.

now, when i ask myself how the hell am i ever going to get over binge eating and i say i don’t know, i know i am actually lying. i do know how to recover from binge eating. and i am certainly not helping myself by using the language i currently use. instead of employing the voice of compassion, i am bullying myself with the voice of shame. i am yelling at myself, punishing myself, calling myself names. i am kicking myself while i am down. i am accepting the urges as a part of myself when, in all reality, they’re not a part of my intuitive self, but rather a part of my unhealthy self.

which leaves me asking: why the hell am i choosing to listen to my unhealthy self, the voice that doesn’t want anything good for me?

i find it kinda funny that i was totally able to be kind to myself while learning how to live life again without compulsive exercise but i am unable to be kind to myself when attempting to recover from binge eating. and by kinda funny, i really mean kind sad.

i am resisting change so stubbornly. all signs in my life indicate a change — a massive change — is necessary for survival. i feel so toxic, heavy, and tense. every day ends up resembling a tight rope walk. some times, i feel like i am watching myself implode in slow motion.

something has to change. my language has to change. i cannot try and motivate myself with self-deprication anymore. i cannot use strict, harsh, black and white ways of thinking. i cannot be anything but kind, loving, accepting, and appreciating of myself.

otherwise, i am afraid nothing will ever change.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i put off the binge today by doing yoga first for an hour and eating a satisfying dinner. i know, at the least, that i tried today. i’m just trying not to tell myself i didn’t try hard enough.)

self-love sunday

i’m glad the week is coming to a close.

not because it was bad. and not because it was good. but because i am at home. i am with family. i am basking in sunshine, laughter, love, and food. i looked forward to this day all week. something about coming home, particularly after a challenging week, grounds me always. like returning to your roots, you know?

this week i experienced a few miniature revelations. i read a book. i climbed. i ran. i worked (a lot). i cried, i laughed, i shared, i listened, i hugged. i end the week happy, unlike how i started it on monday, sad and vulnerable.

today i woke up early, dressed for the foggy weather, and drove down the freeway to my home town. to my family. to the farmer’s market. i intentionally skipped an at-home breakfast, favoring a farmer’s market fresh breakfast instead: a cup of really good coffee and a homemade muffin. it sounded lovely to me. i offered my grandma a piece to which she responded: “no thanks. i don’t eat muffins. too fattening.”

and i decided right then and there i always want to eat muffins. i decided i would rather eat muffins in all their fattening glory than ever again tell myself ‘no’. i decided eating muffins after years of denying them felt kind of like a release. me, the forever calorie counter, eating muffins. eating cake. eating foods deemed “too fattening”. sometimes the ways self-love makes itself known surprises me.

now, if you’ll excuse me, homemade italian marinara keeps wafting down the hallway. i’ve got a meal to enjoy!

the best part of your week was…?

namaste

zoe

self-love sunday

what a week!

a lot of thoughts. a lot of action. a lot of different moods.

but before i start can i just say this: W.T.F US WOMEN’S SOCCER TEAM?!?!?! WTF! talk about a disappointing match! ugh. for those of you who don’t know: i played soccer from 3-19. it’s very near and dear to my heart and i love every aspect of it. i just need to get that out there. anyone else watch? anyone else want to kick the screen in? just sayin’…

anyway…

this week i took a long, hard look at my exercise and movement practices. over the course of the last month or so, i’ve kind of allowed movement to take a back seat to budding friendships and moments of fun. in no way do i regret any of the time spent outside of movement. i think i needed it to heal further. as you know, i’ve struggled to keep movement and exercise at a healthy medium. i spent a long time in the unhealthy extreme — remember, i was an exercise bulimic. sometimes it’s hard to shake the all-or-nothing mentality.

this week however, i started to notice how much both my body and mind missed movement. there’s no denying it: the body wants to move. the body loves to move. the mind saturates you with feel-good chemicals after movement. there’s also no denying this: i am out of shape. whoa boy, am i ever.

yes, i climb and my climbing strength only continues to improve (hoo-fucking-ray! took a month off due to injury so it’s been awesome getting back into it) but the other aspects of my fitness have declined. like my cardiovascular endurance. and my leg strength. i feel myself getting winded far too easily. kids, that’s not okay.

before you harp on me for ‘love your body now!’ know that it’s not a matter of body acceptance. i fully accept where my body currently is. what i don’t fully accept is how this extra weight is keeping me from becoming a stronger climber and a stronger yogi. what i don’t fully accept is how this extra weight impedes my health. which leads me to my latest movement decision: ladies and gentleman, allow me to introduce to you, yet again, my old friend running!

truth: i miss running. yes, i’ve spent many a paragraph bitching and complaining about how much i loathe running. i know. but hear me out. earlier in the week i sprinted out to my car at work to grab my water bottle. when i stopped moving i recognized how much i loved that short burst of running. the old me ran for superficial reasons. the old me ran to get thin, thin, thin, no matter the cost. the old me ran purely for the calorie burn, for punishment. but i am not the old me. i am the new me. and the new me views running in a completely different light. i miss the strength. i miss feeling empowered. i miss the challenge. i miss the alone time.

i have lost nearly all of my running ability. my endurance barely exists. running a mile is about the time where i crap out. so i’ve decided to try out the couch to 5k running plan. i only run three days a week and only for twenty minutes at a time until i can run a solid three miles. it gradually adds time and miles, something i did not do the first time around. no wonder i burned out on running mentally and physically! the right approach to running? take it slow, slow, slow. as for week one? week one went splendidly! i enjoyed each and every run. thoroughly. in a sense, it’s totally humbling to start over. and for the right reasons this time. i’m running for health. i’m running for fitness. i’m running to make myself into a stronger climber.

i’d be lying though if i told you i’m not running for weight loss. i am. i do need to lose weight for my health. not a lot, just enough to be healthy and happy. i am not aiming to become the stick i used to be. i have no desire to be that person again. because i kind of love my curves and only realized that when i finally got them back again.

tomorrow i start week two of the c25k program. i am so excited! i am amped to build my strength up again and to experience the changes in endurance. it will be a fun adventure. i’m not holding myself up to any expectations. i’m not running for distance or time. just to feel happy and healthy.

now, if you’ll excuse me. it’s family dinner day here on the northern california coast and i’ve got some awesome food to eat before i run off and see harry potter!!! iheartharrypotter. and i’m completely devastated it’s over. my yearly rupert grint fix is officially tapped out. what’s a girl to do!

have a beautiful rest of your sunday!

how was your week in terms of self-love? any moments you can share? but more importantly: HAVE YOU SEEN HARRY POTTER YET?!

namaste

zoe

pity-parties-r-us

yesterday kind of kicked me in the ass.

okay. it totally kicked my ass. the moment i opened my eyes i knew it would. heaviness sat in the middle of my chest, weighing uncomfortably on my heart and lungs. sleepily, i wallowed in bed, knowing full well the seven hour shift in front of me would be torturous. and it was. oh was it ever.

yesterday also brought me an interesting e-mail. which also kicked me in the ass. in a different way, however. i subscribe to daily om’s daily newsletter. not only do i love their (almost always) spot, detailed on horoscopes, but i love the daily words of wisdom they send me.

yesterday’s was perfect. kind of like they were reading my mind perfect. why? it was titled ‘pity party’. um, what did i do all day at work? sulk. lose patience. not talk. frown. lash out at coworkers. oops…

why again? because i am upset with myself. i am upset i treat myself so poorly. i am upset my body looks the way it does. i am upset because none of my clothes fit. i am upset because i feel lousy. not because of anyone else. or anything else. all the negativity just kind of took over yesterday. and i have a tendency to feel sorry for myself. i know this. i catch myself doing it all.the.time. daily om had something to say about that too…

If you have a tendency to feel sorry for yourself, and many of us do, things usually progress to the next stage: the pity party. You begin to feel like the innocent victim of a dismal fate because you are seeing your life through inaccurate lenses. Most of the thoughts that run through your mind at times like these are not helpful, and they mainly serve to increase your indignation and feelings of powerlessness. What these feelings and thoughts don’t do is change your circumstances or make you feel better.

hah…yeah…about that… i read on:

When you have a terrible day, there should definitely be a time and place to have your feelings so you can process them. It’s important not to pretend that you are fine with things when you aren’t. It’s also important, however, to notice when you’re having a pity party.

oh, i did notice. did i ever. coworkers kept asking me if i needed coffee. asked if i was all right. a few customers told me to keep being happy, noticed my mood. pity-party? um, more like pity-party-blowout. kind of pathetic for an almost twenty-two year old, if you ask me…

my favorite piece of advice?

Try not to dwell on unpleasant experiences and do everything you can to avoid holding on to negative emotions. When you indulge in self-pity, you only make a bad day worse. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, release the notion that you are a victim, and notice the good that exists in your life.

did i make my bad day worse? yes. did i make other’s days worse? most likely. am i a victim? only of my own devices. does good exist in my life? not good. greatness does though. lots of greatness exists in my life.

like my job.
and my amazing co-workers.
and this amazing new person in my life…
and my body.

yes, my body. true, i am upset. but…it’s silly to be angry at myself and the state of my body. the body is not infallible. what i did i can easily undo. i am not sick. i am not broken. i can, fairly easily, mend myself. i am lucky. this thought alone has provided me motivation to make a change. which i will talk to you all about soon otherwise…

have a lovely thursday! we’re almost at the weekend kids! (ignoring the fact i work on saturday…)

what do you do when you catch yourself in the middle of a pity-party?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i looooooved reading your comments on the previous post! love all the opinions and thoughts. thanks so much for sharing!!!

p.p.s: guess who didn’t binge despite feeling depressed all day yesterday!? yeah, that’d be me )

which work out?

guys, i want to be strong.

(strong bad, anyone? no?)

in the past few months i’ve gone a little lax on the movement front. the exercise front, if you will. i’ve lost a bit of definition, a bit of strength, a bit of endurance. yes, i understand i am on the path toward loving my body for the body it is, not the body i want it to be. but, at the same time, i miss feeling strong. and i miss being at my happy weight.

as i’ve mentioned before, i do not feel comfortable in my own skin. the discomfort leaves my self-confidence on the floor. to quote ms. simone de beauvoir:

“To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.”

that’s exactly where i am at now. i’ve lost confidence in my body, which leaves me with little confidence in myself. yes, confidence should ideally stem from your internal sense of self, not your external appearance but isn’t finding beauty in your outsides a part of the whole self-love package? i certainly think so.

and right now, i’m just not happy with where i’ve put my body. i’m physically uncomfortable. this is not a happy body. yes, it’s been my choice to binge. yes, i brought all this discomfort on myself. which makes me believe i can most definitely bring myself out of it. i just want to feel okay in my body again.

exercise helps me feel that way. regular exercise keeps me feeling positive. movement empowers me, shows me my strengths, both mentally and physically. each new gain in endurance is a gain in self-confidence.

i’m at this point where i want a challenge. i need a challenge. i want something i can stick to. i want something that will make me feel good and reinvigorate my self-confidence. so i’ve thought about it and whittled it down to a few choices. i’m feeling a bit indecisive as well as last-resorty but i need a shock to the system, something to pull me out of my funk. thus, my three choices…

choice one: p90x

i’ve heard about this program for a while. in fact, i read about it yesterday in the news paper. let’s weigh out the pros and cons?

pros
–12 DVDS: lots of muscle confusion!
–short work outs: 45 to 90 minutes long
–includes yoga for strength training
–nutrition plan (eh)
–i can do it just about anywhere at any time.
–100% money back guarantee at the end of 90 days if you’re not satisfied
–i only have to pay once!

cons
–price: three payments of $39.95 with $19.95 shipping and handling
–it’s 90 days. that’s a long time and what if i don’t like it? that’s a lot of money to spend on something you don’t like!
–you need to purchase extras, like weights and a resistance band (which i already have)
–working out six days a week. what if i just don’t wanna one day?
–self-motivating. let’s be real: that shit can get hard sometimes.

choice two: insanity

okay, i’ve seen and heard a lot about this one. all great things!

pros
–60 days! better than 90, by far.
–short videos: 40 to sixty minutes.
–calorie torcher.
–nutrition plan included.
–no extra equipment needed: just you!
–i can do it anytime, anywhere.
–i only have to pay once.

cons
–the cost: $119.95, plus$12.95 shipping and handling. ugh.
–10 DVDs as opposed to 12.
–100% satisfaction…30 days, though.
–self-motivating

choice three: personal trainer

i happen to live two minutes walking distance from a personal training center. i’ve looked into online and it looks pretty good.

pros
–location! it’s super close to my house.
–non-self motivating. i literally have to show up. i’m paying, right?
–personalized work out plans.
–i get a real person to help guide me through proper technique

cons
–price: it could get up there.
–the hours: 6am to 11am and 3pm to 8pm. what if i am working all those hours?
–continuous pay. i’m not made of money.

and those are my three choices for the moment. can you help a girl out and offer your two cents on my decision? i’m awfully indecisive…

have you ever done or know anyone who had ever done insanity or p90x? which would you choose? have you ever had a personal trainer? what did you think? worth it? do i even need to invest in any of this? do you think i am being crazy?

your comments are greatly appreciated!

namaste

zoe

[EDIT: okay, so i've basically narrowed it down to either p90x or insanity. to be perfectly honest, i think either will work. they're the same price (just over 100 dollars + s&h) so that doesn't matter. insanity is more intense from all the reviews i've read and focuses more on cardio. no fancy equipment is needed -- just your body. but there isn't much strength training. p90x on the other hand focuses on cardio as well as strength training but requires more time and purchasing a set of weights and a pull up bar (which, considering the price, makes me kinda go 'eh'). p90x seems to be a bit less intense which might work for my fitness level because, while i'm pretty fit, i'm definitely not insanity fit. but i'm also not p90x fit. and i want a challenge so i'm willing to step up and try insanity. argh. this decision is driving me nuts.]

june? & may recap

happy june first! wait, it’s june? that makes me go like this…

where did the month of may go? where did the first five months of the year go? there’s go to be something to einstein’s theory of relativity or whatever it is called. can you tell how good at science i am? does it show?

anywho, it’s june first, the start of a new month. i am currently sipping coffee on my couch. it’s 1:17 in the afternoon. you know, the right time to drink coffee. i started the morning off on the right foot with an hour long yogatoday(.com) video i purchased a while back. yesterday i biked my little heart out and followed it up with a short trail run so a nice, looooong stretch was necessary.

although the days of the year continue to whiz by without my knowing, causing me to feel a bit sad, i still find myself proclaiming ‘thank the fucking universe may is over’. through out the month i struggled to maintain a steady happiness. binge eating got in the way of happiness. negative thoughts got in the way. lack of movement got in the way. lack of a healthy diet got in the way. basically, the life got sucked out of my life last month despite my declaring may the month of good health and wellbeing. um, shot that one to shit, didn’t it? instead of wallowing in all the failure i racked up these past thirty one days (i’m pretty sure i do that already) i’m going to pull from may the few positive lessons i learned and dedicate the month of june to resettling.

you all might be wondering what i learned. well, i learned i…

…love running. without music. what? who am i? if you know me, you know i constantly go back and forth with running. however, i tried running without music spontaneously a few weeks ago and found myself thoroughly absorbed in the moment. i’ve long suspected my ipod merely serves as a distraction device but my music-less runs only solidified said suspicions. are we not supposed to enjoy exercise? why do we need distractions from something if we enjoy it? i found that, sans music, i ran at a natural pace, soaked up my (beautiful) surroundings, and forgot about time and distance. i used songs to measure how far i’d run (roughly three per mile). without the music, i just concentrated on the sound of my breath, the beat of my soles against the pavement, and the energy in my body.

…need to get back to my yoga practice. for reasons i cannot pin point, i’ve had a difficult time this past month stepping onto my mat. which is insane, considering how much my body, mind, heart and soul love yoga. nothing compares to stepping off the mat after a practice and carrying around the feelings you’ve created all day. maybe i’m scared of what emotions or thoughts will come up. but yoga brings me a sense of peace i never experience anywhere else except on my mat. i’m recommitting myself to my practice this month.

…have the power to tell my tantruming lower brain to shutthefuckup. the lower brain, the part of the brain responsible for animalistic behaviors and reactions, send out those urges. but i am not those urges. and i have the power to say ‘no’ whenever an urge to binge arises.

…have the power to put myself in a negative mind space just as much as a positive one.

…am not just a body. may proved that to me in so many ways. in the depths of my unhealthy weight loss journey, i attached myself to the notion that i was simply a body and stored all my worth in the size of my hips, in the roundness of my belly, and in the number on the scale. i got so caught up in maintaining my new ‘skinny girl’ label i forgot that what mattered most was the person inside that ‘skinny girl’. in may i threw out the scale. i knew i gained weight and no longer wanted to place my happiness on a stupid, meaingless number. slowly i detached myself from the ‘skinny girl’ name tag because, well, i’m not skinny anymore. because i am focusing less on what i look like, i’m finding talking to people much, much easier. i no longer care if i look thin enough because i know i’m not thin. i kind of assume people are not looking at my body. yes, there is some negativity in here (e.g: i still don’t like my body and am really uncomfortable in my own skin…which leads me to think people don’t find me attractive) but at least i’m not thinking about it every.single.fucking.second. of the day. baby steps.

…you all are amazing, beautiful, inspiring, uplifting individuals who make me feel less alone, loved, and supported when i am in the middle of a negative space. i want to thank you all again for being so kind and seeing through my negativity enough to offer me gentle words of encouragement. you’re wonderful. truly.

and that’s that, really. this month i plan on focusing on healthy meals, healthy movement, and a healthy attitude. right now i am three days binge free. taking it one moment at a time. in this moment i am done with my coffee and am heading out on a walk to the grocery store. i need me some fresh greens! have a happy wednesday.

what are you goals for june, if you have any?

namaste

zoe