can we talk about gifts?

so, remember when i set the intention to be more open?

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to, you know, receive the abundance of my life?

(i blabbered about that, right?)

well, can we talk about a the gift the universe dumped on me today?

it was kind of fucking great.

remember when i got home from burning man and talked and talked and continued to talk about dancing? i am pretty sure in the middle of all that talk, i declared pretty passionately “i found my soul on the dance floor“?

well. i really wasn’t kidding.

’cause i recognized my soul again today on the hardwood dance floor of my kitchen.

did i ever tell you i wanted to be a ballerina when i was kid? (like almost every other five-year-old girl). but i devoted my body to soccer instead. years and years of nothing but chasing a ball. yes, i loved it. but i still loved dance, too.

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i envied a childhood friend who danced ballet as long as i played soccer. she claimed she wasn’t the best, something about her feet. i always thought she was beautiful.

and free. so, so free.

did i ever tell you how much i hate reality t.v shows but how much i love, love, love so you think you can dance? and how i cry every episode? the only formal dancing i’ve ever seen was a ballet in first grade (i fell asleep) and the dancing of my childhood friend. so of course i sat for long, long weeks in front of the television, pointing always to every dancer and saying, “that’s fucking beautiful.” (because i am really graceful, too).

did i ever tell you when i was a kid i created dances with my friends and performed them for my mom? and the kids at my day care? (surprisingly, i had a lot of friends).

did i ever tell you how i believe in past lives (more on that another time)? i do. and i was definitely a dancer a one point. i feel that down to my bones. (why else would my knees hyper extend and why else can i balance so well and make nice lines? useless talents?)

so, no wonder i envy dancers. dancers are artists who create with their bodies. there are stories in those moves. colors. images. i wanted that.

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last summer i reconnected with the dancer in me again. we rejoiced in an open desert. then, she left.

and came back today. we visited, fell in love all over again. she whispered to me, “just move”. for one, solid song i thought nothing. not a single fucking thought. i just moved. but even that’s not quite right. something moved me.

kind of how something spills words into my conscious and asks for a transcriber. something about writing in a fluid trance isn’t just me. there’s something working through me to paint the world in words. something worked through me today in the kitchen. i opened up and received liberation. and when i came to, wheezing with exertion, i cried.

rain clouds spilled. from the couch i watched rain drop through sun rays. ever the scientific genius, i smiled and said, “i bet there’s a rainbow outside!” and promptly ran/tumbled/walked to the window. to see a streak of rainbow, bright above the hill.

then i cried a little bit more.

(because i am cheesy and think everything has meaning).

how do YOU see your soul?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i wrote this yesterday)

(p.p.s: the best, best, best part? usually after any dancing i walk around with a sore, inflamed low back. yesterday (and today!) not only do i feel no pain, but i feel strength!)

(p.p.p.s: happy valentine day. to be honest, i am not a fan. for various reasons (maybe i’ll discuss this tomorrow?) but mainly because i believe in loving every day. regardless, have a beautiful, love-filled, chocolate-and-rose-fueled day!)

one for the lesson books

a few weeks ago i mentioned a night in which a guy asked a friend of mine to introduce us.

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well. here’s what transpired.

i asked said friend for the guys number and text him. a sweet little texting conversation took place over the course of a few hours. it ended with us deciding to kick it in the night time. plans changed and our little two-some hang out session grew two other people. the four of us drove into san francisco for a night of dancing and dub-step. all potentially fun. potentially.

before i go any further, let me catch you up on my history with guys. self-confidence only exists in small, bright bursts in my life. it’s never consistent and never stable. so when it comes to relationships, they end up failing before ever legitly take off. i like a guy, like a guy, like a guy, and, suddenly, if and when he likes me back, i immediately shut down. it’s like, i’ve got the lusting down part but when it comes to the intimate bits and pieces of relationships, i shut down and shut off. i never give myself or the poor guy a chance. this type of insecure behavior has stunted my emotional and sexual growth, a fact i continually sigh over. additionally, there are facets of my personality i truly dislike, ones i cannot turn off. like my tendency to be jealous and sulky if things do not go my way. it all stems from insecurity.

SO.

back to the other night.

honestly, i never dance with other people when i go out. i dance for myself, to move my body and shake off stress. so guy and i spent the first hour or so dancing side by side (the sexiness of my life is astounding). however, at one point, we separated and, just to get to the fucking point, i rounded a corner looking for water only to run into guy talking to another girl. a prettier girl (so i thought). a skinner girl (not that this means anything). a girl with better dance moves (i was being over critical of myself. clearly.). it was an awkward moment, one i moved quickly away from. i spent the rest of the night avoiding the guy, not really talking to him, and generally just being kind of rude. we haven’t talked since. i can’t say i’m at all surprised.

here’s the thing: sometimes, we react strongly to situations without really thinking. we react because our egos get in the way and tell us we’re not good enough. as i told my friend who asked me what happened: “i definitely over reacted. that was my ego getting in the way. i got all butthurt that he was talking to someone else. so. that’s that. guess i have no confidence.”

it took me a second to reach that conclusion, too. i tried really hard to reason my way around my immature, slightly embarrassing behavior but nothing really excuses it. because the truth is, i really don’t have any confidence. i reacted purely out of emotion instead of reason. who’s to say the chick i walked in on him talking to didn’t strike up a conversation with him? furthermore, just because a guy is talking with a girl doesn’t mean they are flirting. it doesn’t mean i should abandon all hope and count myself out (like i always do).

obviously, there is a lesson or two to be learned from this (at least for me). confidence shouldn’t come from the amount of attention you receive from other people. it should come from yourself, something i am still trying to wrap my head around. and, sometimes, guys or girls won’t be interested in you like you are interested in them. that’s natural. not everyone will like you. however, just because that’s the case doesn’t change anything about you as a person. you’re still amazing. one person cannot change that unless you let them.

i think what i learned the most though is that i’m not ready for a relationship right now. i know no one can fill the void inside except me. no amount of attention from guys or girls will makes me feel better. it will only boost my superficial self-esteem. before i can be in any sort of intimate relationship, i need to be okay and settled with myself. otherwise, i will continually bash my self-worth into the ground and crumble under the weight of jealousy.

sometimes embarrassment brings about the best life lessons.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i’m heading to the doctor right now. i’m really nervous. wish me luck?)

ch-ch-ch-chaaaanges

so much to say.

so, so much.

almost too much. because now i am sitting here trying to hammer it all out at once. which can be overwhelming. i guess i’ll just come out with it. explanations can come later, right?

change is coming. change is here:

i put in my two weeks at REI yesterday.
i am moving home, to my parents, in two weeks.

and if that wasn’t enough:

i am (hopefully) starting summer school courses ’round june.

because i am:

(hopefully) attempting to have a stab at naturopathy medicine.

you see, a few weeks ago i cracked open a book my mama picked up for me at the library (dig this gig) in an attempt to steer me toward a more solid career path. and nevermind the fact i opened it up the day before it was due. in it, i read up on jobs in medicine. i never knew naturopathy existed — i only know i believe in and love natural, preventative medicine. i’ve always known i love caring for people and i’ve always known how much i’ve wanted to help people (i loved when i was 19 and told everyone i was going to become a social service worker and everyone told me “there’s no money in that!”.) putting together something i love and believe in with my career dreams and goals felt magical. i then promptly called my mom and told her thanks for the book.

additionally, about two days ago a very close, very pragmatic friend and i shared a conversation. i tend to get so lost in decisions and indecision that i require an outsiders perspective to sort me out. my very close friend is usually one of the ones to pull me out of my own mess. basically, we talked at length about my struggles. she urged me to move home. and, to be honest, my intuition has been screaming at me to go home for months upon months upon months. when i first started to fall apart i should have gone home. my gut told me so. when i needed support and protection in my most vulnerable moment, i did not move toward support and protection. i am fortunate enough to have two unbelievably supportive, loving, understand, compassionate parents. it’s time i listen to my self. home will be grounding, centering, and rebuilding. creepier still? my tarot cards told me to go home, too. so i am. in two weeks time i will be in my old bedroom, the one i slept in from seven to seventeen. it will be challenging almost as much as it will be rewarding.

i quit my job because i felt no connection to it anymore. i felt under appreciated and like “just another vest” (it was silly of me to think i would be anything else. retail is retail is retail.). which sucks, because i will miss a few people. i will miss a lot of people, actually. but i can’t work right now, not when my head is still a mess and my needs are continually not being met. so for the first month i am home, i will not be working. i plan on joining a yoga studio and yoga-ing my heart out. i plan on cooking daily for my family. i plan on writing, doing arts and crafts, and enjoying health. i plan on feeling supported and protected.

i’m incredibly excited. i feel like i am finally leaving this chapter of my life behind and starting the one i’ve been wanting to write for a year.

oh, and just cause this has been random enough:

i ate chocolate-banana pancakes today with coconut cream. #bestwaytostartoffathursdayever.

namaste

zoe

ramble on

rambles:

ramble one) broke down and got a twitter (@zoearlen). aka: finally signed up for pinterest (zoearlen). aka: really, really confused by pinterest.
(but look! i found this really awesome picture!)

(and now i want to go to vermont!))

ramble two) i kissed a girl has been playing in my head since i woke up. (confession: katie perry is a huuuuge guilty pleasure.)

ramble three) last night i went out dancing. oh, dubstep. how i love thee. it amazes me how quickly dancing transforms murky moods.

ramble four) a friend of the friends i go dancing with asked to be introduced to me after following me around the dance floor all night and not saying hi. some dude in a silk hawaiian shirt and an equally hipster mustache asked me where i got my sweater as a means to introduce himself. another dude high-fived me. guys are funny. so is confidence (it comes out at the weirdest times and in the weirdest places)

ramble five) the cold i have been fighting won. i’m all sniffles and sneezes and coughs today.

ramble six) i tried really hard not to, but i really like that show new girl. (confession #2: i loathe the way zooey spells zoe. it’s an irrational hatred. but it makes more than a few people call me “zo”. to which i respond: “who names their kid zo?” or “the e isn’t silent”. i always thought it was self-explanitory but. well. guess not.)

ramble seven) very thankful for the beautiful friends i have in my life right now.

ramble eight) i love rambling.

namaste

zoe

changing the vocabulary

i find myself using different words.

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the ones i avoided because i felt funny saying them.

words like sexy. and woman.

something about age twenty-two knocked some sense into me, i guess. i feel adult. mature. (though i don’t doubt all the changes my life will continue to bring cause, you know, that’s what life does). i feel myself slipping out of old habits and old thoughts created in my younger years. i feel myself evolving. it’s quite a trip.

i woke up this morning expecting to feel a little rejected. you see, the guy (i still hesitate to use the word “man” mainly because the guys i end up liking feel more like boys than men) i kind of sort of possibly maybe like ended up spending a lot more time dancing with and talking to other girls. weak.

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however, recently a friend and i shared a discussion about this very topic. the woman (actually the one i started the new blog with!), in all her wisdom, unloaded this chunk of text to me:

“i think it’s like. it means so much more to someone when someone thinks you’re pretty or “worth” dating. so we think someone not wanting to date you means that you suck. but if you’re the person you aim to please, that all doesn’t matter.”

smart, right?

well, i guess i unintentionally put the theory to the test yesterday. i did get dolled up for myself but hell yeah, i also got dolled up to look good for someone else. when it didn’t work, i ended up all butt-hurt and feeling all kinds of ugly and worthless. suddenly my cute new top didn’t matter and neither did my hair or that fact that i decided to put make-up on again. all that mattered was i wasn’t the one being talked to, danced with, or looked at. i spent the latter half of the night all wallow-ey and fell asleep half-drunk and wholly disappointed.

the funny thing is…

i someone woke up this morning shrugging my shoulders and going “eh, fuck it.” i took a single look into the mirror this morning and the only word i found in my head was “sexy” (okay, this never happens). the word came out despite the rejection. the word came out despite feeling so uncomfortable the night before. what i am getting at, i think, is who cares if someone doesn’t see the wonderful, beautiful, inspiring person you are? what matters is if you see the wonderful, beautiful, and inspiring person you are. men and women come and go. how many do you meet a day? how many do you meet a week? a month? a year? all those men and women hold the potential to be the one person you need and want in your life. the rest just act as stepping stones and loaded lessons in life and continued self-love.

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so change your vocabularly. tell yourself you are sexy or hot or gorgeous or any number of words you avoid using to describe yourself. eventually, i think you’ll find yourself not only saying them, but seeing and believing them, too.

namaste

zoe

i guess chivalry isn’t dead?

it’s supposed to be, right?

well, regardless, do i have a story for you!

today, while perusing the lara bars and other bars i cannot afford at whole foods, someone behind me went “excuse me?”. since i like to shop alone with headphones in my ears, i removed a bud and turned around to face a young black guy about my age. i said hi. he went on. well, he kind of stumbled on, really. with a question.

“hey, do you mind if i compliment your figure?”

uh, no. who turns down compliments?

“well, i felt like i should just say something instead of staring. but you have a really beautiful figure. i’d say you have what i’d call an hour glass figure. it’s really nice.”

after a few jumbled thank yous and a lot of turning red (because i do that) we proceeded to talk for a few minutes. about beer. about where we grew up. about school. about how he knows my aunt (small world, marin county). then i gave him my number and paid for my apple. will i see him again? who knows! will he text or call? who knows!

not the point.

the point is this: getting that compliment paid to the very thing i’ve struggled so hard with totally made my day. and holy hell — he asked to compliment on my body instead of saying something like, “girl, you’re thick.” (something else i’ve heard).

the other point: next time you see a woman (or a man!) with a body you think is beautiful, why not tell them! some people are not told how beautiful they are on a regular basis. why not remind them of something they might have forgotten?

i cannot tell you the amount of time i’ve seen a woman (and men!) and thought “wow! she’s beautiful!” and wanted to just tell them. i always end up holding back though. i guess because it’s not what we tell people on the reg. but how come? why can’t we remark respectfully on the things we find lovely?

i truly am gaining body confidence. here, in this body so drastically changed. here, in this body of the woman i was maybe meant to be. here, in this beautiful, hourglass body. i can’t really believe it myself.

so tonight i’m taking myself out. it’s dub-step night at a local venue. kind of stoked. especially cause i got my hair cut today!

have you guys ever seen it straight?

have you ever seen my be so narcissistic ?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: check out my new blog co-created and co-written with my friend victoria! hippie happenings! i posted something rambling today!)