lighted up fridays

after a few heavy posts, i offer you something differ.

(journaling in parks makes me happy, too)

something light. like the little joys.

HAPPINESS:

1) reading poetry on street corners in san francisco to strangers. screaming it to the full moon night sky. realizing strangers are listening, affirming, applauding. genuinely.

2) words. i am painting the world in letters. after nearly two years absent, my creativity is back. powerfully so.

3) singing. i am no etta james (sigh) and no adele (double sigh) but the vocal chords i do have are not bad. friends and family tell me all the time i sing well. and, well, i am starting to believe. i’m starting to understand the concept of personal range and tone. plus, singing helps with throat chakra opening

4) skirts. i am officially over pants. skirts offer a mobility pants do not. and a certain femininity i am unearthing, rejoicing in.

5) coconut oil in my coffee (insomnia calls for coffee sometimes, unfortunately). coconut oil, in general.

6) the weather. spring sprung early. sometime mid-february. it may speak to global warming but. i am enjoying the sun and its shine thoroughly.

what’s making you happy these days?

namaste

zoe

reiki and feelings in general

today i spent an hour and a half on a massage table.

(source)
not a regular type of massage. a combination massage. a reiki/chakra/energy healing massage. i cannot quite put into words how wonderful the entire experience was. by the time i sat up words lost their importance. mainly because i felt it too difficult to speak clearly. a lightness circulated through me. an energy. loose legs carried me to the car and a calm heart carried me through the remainder of my early afternoon.

yet…

i am really sad right now. i tried staving it off all day but. sometimes simply accepting how you feel helps you move through it. for a week i’ve shown myself nothing close to love. just silent, harsh words meant to cut deep and actions stemming from the roots of self-loathing. anxiety keeps burning a hole in my chest. i am submerged in a listless self-doubt. this is like screaming underwater. no one can hear you and all sound comes out as bubbles anyway.

the woman who massaged me earlier told me there was a lot of energy inside of me. she told me that sometimes, it takes the body a little while to catch up with the energy of your spirit, that our physical selves don’t necessarily know how to handle all the energy we absorb. she told me i am on the right path. i believe her and am happy to know eventually i will find balance and openness but right now, it’s a little difficult to just fucking move.

i want to cry but i can’t.
i want to tell people i love them and share sweet words with them but i am too busy sinking and doling out curt responses i never meant to let fly.
i want to be open and honest but my voice is missing.
i want to enjoy my life, receive love and give love in equal amounts, but i am so stuck in indecision i am immobilized.

i know all of this is happening for a reason. i know that in my heart of hearts.

but this still fucking sucks.

namaste

zoe

(edit: i feel much better now. had a heart to heart with myself earlier. this up and down stuff is difficult to manage when you start letting yourself feel instead of the opposite)

my chakras are blocked

ever read up on chakras?

if not, i seriously recommend it. i do not really want to use this post to explain all the details of the chakras, either, as i am not a professional and i am just entering to knowledge about them. maybe one day i will go over each chakra in detail. but today i just want to talk about the seven chakras in me. more specifically, i want to talk about how blocked each one is.

for a long time i have felt numb. i find it difficult to cry, to express myself, to feel in touch with my body and with others. i do not tap into sexuality well, handle feelings appropriately, or feel centered for long periods of time. my root chakra is completely closed and, because energy travels from your root to your crown, it makes sense as to why i feel so emotionally and spiritually stagnant.

i feel unable to release emotional baggage blocking me from entering my spirituality and true place of emotional balance. i know yoga helps and i just scheduled an appointment for reiki massage therapy and charka balancing but i am at a loss as to how to further the process along. i do not know how to work on opening my blockages myself. i do know i desperately want to.

i guess i am asking for help today, for suggestions and helpful guidance. i am so very new to spirituality in general and a little less new to emotional balance. i am sending signals of help out into space right now and crossing my fingers and toes for a response. any help is appreciated, particularly if you have a deep knowledge about chakras and blockages and balance.

because i am so damn lost.

namaste

zoe