another perspective

first: wow dude.

why did i always assume no one picked her cuticles? it sounds like a lot of us share the (apparently way common) self-soothing habit of picking. weird how people can develop similar strategies of coping miles away from each other. see? we’re all connected somehow.

i digress…

second: i am learning to flip the perspective more fluidly.

it used to be second nature to immediately sink into negativity. dragging myself down when i was already down made sense. you know? but now i question every negative thought. i try to see the positive, if only to try and drag myself up and out of the hole i am digging.

last night i basically binged really hard and purged. thoughtlessly. eventually i rolled myself into bed, sick-full, half sugar-comaed, and fucking deeply disappointed. where did the urgent binges come from? what hole did they crawl out of to sabotage me?

i expected to wake up sad. depressed. murky. destructive. somehow though, i managed to stand up. i managed to shower. i managed to withhold judgement. i managed. without getting attached to (i.e: becoming) my emotions. i also managed to have a bit of a tough-love talk with myself…

i took my feeling better for granted. i definitely used the positive space to excuse negative behavior. like over eating and not calling it a binge. like allowing myself to skip meals and calling it normal. like indulging in foods i know make me feel sick and calling it okay. no more excuses. health and happiness require attention in the early days of its blossoming. shrugging off unhealthy behaviors is like shruggling off responsibility. people will not always be there to slap your wrist and tell you to knock it off. if we are unable to build solid foundations, we’ll all eventually crumble. health and happiness, i’m starting to see, require diligence. especially right now, while i am building my foundation.

and, right now, i am torturing myself slowly by refusing to give up small habits severing me no purpose. it feels like i’m losing my proverbial last “five to ten pounds”. you know? it’s the stubborn habits that won’t shed themselves from me. i floated away there for a second. beginning the process of regrounding myself today.

one of the best ways to flip the perspective? look through a different lens! (yes! win for pun-ey camera jokes!) but, really, i am falling (back) in love with photography. did i mention i took it in high school and for a semester in college? black and white film. now-a-days i shoot more on the digital side. regardless, it helps frame the world for me in brighter hues.

today i flip the perspective.
no more fear.
no more hostility.
no more bullshit.
just a gentle, mindful awareness.

today’s the day i start over.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: all photos are mine. please don’t steal.

p.p.s: all photos came from my iphone. camera-camera photos coming soon.

p.p.p.s: anyone else on instagram? come find me. @zofasho.)

music mondays + a little awareness

it’s monday.

i’m not feeling very creative. just. kind of sleepy and desperate.

because, well. i did it. i purged for the first time in over a month. after the uncomfortable visit, i cried. for two hours. i felt awful. still not feeling wonderful. slip ups inevitably occur, i know. i understand life continues afterward, too. i think a shopping-trip on saturday trigged all of these feelings. no, it definitely did.

the more i test my limits, boundaries, and patience, the more i realize how awful i am at implementing self-soothing techniques. sometimes i manage. sometimes i take a walk, breathe deeply, call a friend, or do yoga. sometimes i squeak by without snagging myself on my worries.

other times though, when i convince myself i simply cannot sit with the emotion slowly chewing down sanity, i turn to other, less healthy coping mechanisms. like eating. we all know i eat. something else i do?

i pick at my fingers. till the tugs produce blood. till it hurts to touch anything. sometimes till infection. the funniest thing? i just realized this was a coping mechanism today. i tore apart my fingers last night and haven’t really stopped since waking. if you couldn’t tell, i’m trying really hard to direct my focus to thoughts outside of bingeing. i’m trying to find new ways to help me cope. new, healthy, unpainful ways. because i can’t do this anymore, just like i can’t eat myself to tears anymore.

how do you cope? what helps you?

and for the music portion of the day…

i woke up singing this. i don’t know why i love this song but i seriously do.

meet virginia by train

namaste

zoe

some days

some days i wake up without happiness.

(source)

today was one of those days.

shifting emotional spheres is just one of the many facets of all this humanness. it keeps me on my toes, really.

today i woke up without happiness and without self-love or self-acceptance. i felt uncomfortable in this body and in this mind. i got to thinking about the guy i know who i spent the better part of last night flirting with talking to. i got to thinking why he called me beautiful and why anyone might call me beautiful. i got to thinking about the weight of my body, how it feels so heavy and foreign. i got to thinking about relationships and how i feel my body keeps me from them. i got to thinking “it’s because you’re fat. no one wants to date someone bigger than them.” i got to comparing myself against other women. i got to thinking how i will never be able to wear the clothes i love because i look so horrendous. i got to appreciating the green vest i wear at work, the one obscuring my middle. and i got to wanting to purge — not binge, just purge.

unhappiness happens. i don’t know why. i don’t know where it comes from. and i certainly don’t know why it always, without fail, falls back onto my body. my image. my whole 5′ 1″ self.

days like this show me i can feel without completely falling over (binge free, purge free). days like this show me all is not well. days like this force me to reconsider and restructure. days like this force me to be honest. brutally honest.

some of this has to do with my body. some of this has to do with lack of movement (and vegetables). some of this has to do with guys. some of this has to do with my eating disorder. some of this has to do with sitting in an empty house alongside an unfulfilling dinner.

mostly though, a lot of this has to do with the fact that it’s impossible to feel great everysingleday. it takes some bad to appreciate the good. it takes some bad to learn some lessons. it takes some bad to figure out how to feel un-bad. it takes some bad to be human. fortunately or unfortunately, unhappiness happens.

but that’s all it is, really — just a happening.

namaste

zoe

self-love sunday

did i ever tell you how much i love sundays?

sundays feel like starting over.

sunday possesses this strange healing effect. a calm atmosphere, too. plus, i never work sundays or mondays. sundays are like good cheer all around.

i spent yesterday in san francisco listening to music at the hardly strictly bluegrass festival. i got to listen to robert plant (!!!! have i ever mentioned my serious love for led zeppelin?). it introduced me to buckethead. i spent time with high school friends i rarely see. i danced. i ate three meals yesterday. i am thankful.

a lot happened internally this week. i reacted to situations differently. i felt unfamiliar emotions. like when my friend decided to end our friendship. or like when i realized my other friends left for the dance club without me (allthetime). or when another friend ignored my phone calls and text messages.

clearly, i have great friends.

but really, in situations like this, usually i automatically feel tense. i think, over and over, ‘what did i do? what did i do?‘ i get sick with anxiety, all shaky limbs and upset stomach till i can settle the ‘issue’.

this time i didn’t feel anxious. i never once though, ‘what did i do?’ this time i just smiled. literally. somewhere, deep down there in my heart of hearts, i knew, instinctively that none of this had anything to do with me. none of this is an issue. it is all my friends being stubborn and wrapped up in their own thoughts, ones that are completely separate from me.

and guess what? i am still happy. i am still smiling. yes, i binged and purged this week. but not out of reaction to my friends. i know i am not healed completely, and i know i will most likely have to deal with this my whole life, but today i feel strong and stable. i feel settled and happy although most things in my life should be bringing my down rightaboutnow.

i think i’m just trying to see life through a softer, brighter lens.

and that’s all i’ve got for you today. things are changing. i’m excited to share with you. but i’ve got no time and a northern california coast to drive up (for no real reason other than ‘i want an adventure!’ popped into my head the second i woke up this morning).

have a beautiful sunday and be well. you deserve it <3

best part of your week? best realization?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: oh, and guess whaaaat? my birthday is in twenty days. exactly. but who’s counting )

self-love sunday

it’s raining.

(source)
i feel dark and explosive.

and vaguely nauseous.

if gaining weight was a competition, i’d win gold medal every time.
if eating and eating and eating was a job, i’d be the president and CEO.
if self-pity was a class, i’d ace it.

i know this blog is dedicated to recovery, which means including all the nasty bits this process has, but i am tired of feeling like all i do is whine. i don’t know what you all see, but i see someone creating her own misery and resisting, stubbornly, the change necessary for, well, change.

i don’t feel good about this week. i don’t feel myself winning. i just feel myself expanding. sinking. flailing. i feel trapped. i’m scared this is going to be my forever. i’m terrified food will always control my life. i’m anxious i will never love my body or my self. i keep asking myself, “is this it?”

dark thoughts from months passed continually creep up from the dark place i stuffed them into. during conversations with friends. right before i fall asleep. at work in the moments between helping customers. i am too preoccupied and distracted to actually live life. which makes me feel like a waste.

change is coming. i know it is. or, rather, i have to believe it is. otherwise, i think i might lose my mind.

namaste

zoe

cycling

not anxious anymore.

just…kind of numb.
(source)

i am caught in a cycle. it feels routine.

i am equal parts ambivalent and raging.

i am so caught up in black and white i can either not have something or only have it all. there is no middle ground in my life. most days i wake up feeling defeated. unmotivated. huge. i wake up knowing nighttime will bring a binge with its darkness. i know because i think thoughts like “well, i’m already fat. what’s the fucking point?” i binge because i am depressed about my body. then i binge because i am depressed i binged the day before. then i binge because i am depressed i binged the day before and the day before that.

see the cycle?

i day dream about spending hours at the gym. i day dream about what i might look like after losing weight. i day dream about food. i lose track of conversations because my mind wanders. i ask “what?” one too many times. i am thinking, always, of how i look.

as much as i keep trying to convince myself i am healing, progressing, and, striding forward, deep down i feel like a liar. i am trying in vain to talk myself into something that isn’t really true. i want it to be true. but you can’t want something into reality.

so instead of feeling, i tune out. this feels like not giving a shit. this feel like caring so much you don’t know what to do. and this always feels overwhelming. i don’t even think i know how to tune in any more.

namaste

zoe