first: wow dude.
why did i always assume no one picked her cuticles? it sounds like a lot of us share the (apparently way common) self-soothing habit of picking. weird how people can develop similar strategies of coping miles away from each other. see? we’re all connected somehow.
second: i am learning to flip the perspective more fluidly.
it used to be second nature to immediately sink into negativity. dragging myself down when i was already down made sense. you know? but now i question every negative thought. i try to see the positive, if only to try and drag myself up and out of the hole i am digging.
last night i basically binged really hard and purged. thoughtlessly. eventually i rolled myself into bed, sick-full, half sugar-comaed, and fucking deeply disappointed. where did the urgent binges come from? what hole did they crawl out of to sabotage me?
i expected to wake up sad. depressed. murky. destructive. somehow though, i managed to stand up. i managed to shower. i managed to withhold judgement. i managed. without getting attached to (i.e: becoming) my emotions. i also managed to have a bit of a tough-love talk with myself…
i took my feeling better for granted. i definitely used the positive space to excuse negative behavior. like over eating and not calling it a binge. like allowing myself to skip meals and calling it normal. like indulging in foods i know make me feel sick and calling it okay. no more excuses. health and happiness require attention in the early days of its blossoming. shrugging off unhealthy behaviors is like shruggling off responsibility. people will not always be there to slap your wrist and tell you to knock it off. if we are unable to build solid foundations, we’ll all eventually crumble. health and happiness, i’m starting to see, require diligence. especially right now, while i am building my foundation.
and, right now, i am torturing myself slowly by refusing to give up small habits severing me no purpose. it feels like i’m losing my proverbial last “five to ten pounds”. you know? it’s the stubborn habits that won’t shed themselves from me. i floated away there for a second. beginning the process of regrounding myself today.
one of the best ways to flip the perspective? look through a different lens! (yes! win for pun-ey camera jokes!) but, really, i am falling (back) in love with photography. did i mention i took it in high school and for a semester in college? black and white film. now-a-days i shoot more on the digital side. regardless, it helps frame the world for me in brighter hues.
today i flip the perspective.
no more fear.
no more hostility.
no more bullshit.
just a gentle, mindful awareness.
today’s the day i start over.
(p.s: all photos are mine. please don’t steal.
p.p.s: all photos came from my iphone. camera-camera photos coming soon.
p.p.p.s: anyone else on instagram? come find me. @zofasho.)