self-love sunday: vulnerability

i am introspective by nature.

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(warning: rambling ahead.)

every day i sort through thoughts, sift through the clutter i hoard up there. sometimes, the things i manage to wiggle free strike a nerve. they’ll sink into my conscious and refuse to budge until i methodically mull over them. the other day, a heavy thought dropped itself into view.

i am, nearly every day, working towards alleviating the acidic burn left by my issues. i am working on awareness, mindfulness, patience, and forgiveness. i am working on remembering life is a conscious practice. yet, occasionally, i fumble over a more difficult discovery in my mind. the negative voice creeps in, quickly, often quietly, and always relentlessly.

the other day it occurred to me how immature i feel in regards to relationships. i know how to like some one. i know how to attract some one. however, the moment friendly flirtations take a more serious turn, i clam up. i look for reasons to work myself out of a potentially intimate connection. i tell myself things like “they don’t really like me.”

why?

one word: vulnerability.

the potential of allowing someone to see me completely, as a person and as a body, terrifies me. i am bad at relationships, too, because i am immobilized by the potential of heartache. the potential. i refuse to see what a relationship offers (the opportunity for growth, the opportunity for sharing, the opportunity to love and be loved) and instead choose to dwell on all the negative aspects (like the possibility of someone losing interest, the possibility of someone discovering my body, the possibility of being cheated on…again).

an example (or two):

i mentioned recently someone touched the parts of me i rage against the hardest (my midsection, in its entirety). what i neglected to mention was my reaction. specifically my mental reaction. i thought, “well, he discovered my secret” (as in, he found out about my horrible bits). after that i thought, “wow, he’s still here.”

i am afraid of gaining something wonderful and losing it because i am not enough. i am afraid of jealousy, possessiveness, and negativity spurred by my insecurity. i know in order to be in a healthy, honest relationship, i need to soften, to be open to change, to positivity, to love. i know that, for a relationship to function properly, i need to be able to trust myself, to believe i am enough for someone, to believe in the beauty of my character and my beauty in general. i need to not shut down and retreat into the safety zone of loneliness i know too well.

i am so ready to grow. yet, i feel i am bad at relationships because i can’t even maintain a healthy one with myself. i wonder how i expect myself to be open to vulnerability when i am way too lightening quick to cut myself down, when i instinctively talk myself into believing the person i am attracted to won’t be attracted to me because peoples a, b, and c possess so much more than me.

the only consolation i can offer myself right now is the fact that i am aware (though, sometimes i think i am all too aware – another ramble for another day). i am mindful of my brain’s immediate instincts. i am attempting to breathe through tough thoughts spat at me by my negative self, kind of like breathing through a mind contraction of sorts: i know it will be painful to experience but i know it will pass.

the time for change is now. i feel consistently, constantly, the hand of the universe on my back, gently encouraging me forward, even while my heels dig in. old ways of thinking, being, and existing shed themselves from me daily and nightly, flutter away on the gusts of wind only change blows. with new foundations forming beneath my feet, i stand, feeling naked and half-new. i am exposed in this rebirth, raw and uncertain.

i am scared.

but i am ready.

honestly though, you’re never really prepared for anything. the time for change is always now. new beginnings start every moment. it’s just a matter of being willing to receive them. it’s a matter of surrendering to your vulnerability and realizing that, in all actuality, you will be just fine.

definitely still learning. definitely.

namaste

zoe

finding femininity

i cannot recall ever feeling very comfortable in girly clothing.

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since childhood, i made a home in tomboyishly loose clothing. stick me in dresses, skirts, ruffles, or lace and i squirmed. pour me into jeans, a t-shirt, yoga pants, and baggy sweaters and i relaxed. on the rare occasion i did opt to glam up a bit, i generally wound up tugging and pulling enough to change outfits altogether. the saddest part? a huge chunk of me craved the frills of a girlier wardrobe. the pieces of feminine clothing i did owe hung in my closet like lost relics. i never felt pretty enough for them.

boyish clothes provided me with a bumper of sorts. dressing down allowed me to escape the gaze of people. disguising the curves of my body let me sink into a self-imposed protective state of existence — if no one looked at me, no one would touch the body i loathed. living in oversized, less revealing clothing subdued my sexuality, kept me locked up in the body of a girl. but, at twenty-two, i am no longer the little girl i used to be. i am not the insecure seventeen year old struggling to accept her shape. i am a woman. a fully developed young woman wearing the curves of adulthood. hiding who i am becomes less of an option each time i acknowledge that i currently am residing in early adulthood.

the more i step into the woman i am, the more i sink into the femininity i tried to deny my whole life. i am shifting my attention away from jeans and towards dresses, skirts, and softer clothing. today i bought two dresses — two shape flattering dresses. i am not hiding in material any longer. i am showcasing something i love and accept more every day. the more i grow into my body, the more i grow into confidence. most importantly, however, the deeper i fall into self-love, the easier relationships and touch become.

yesterday i permitted someone to touch pieces of my body i disregard. although i expected to cringe and push the person off, i abstained easily. as much as i expected the level of attraction to dip immediately, it only seemed to go up. i felt sexy and confident as opposed to anxious and worried. the ever lovely mara reposted something the other day i really resonated with:

If someone has chosen to go home with you or share your bed, you better believe – no matter how scary – that they are well aware of who they are taking to bed. Guarenteed they already have a pretty good idea of what you’re going to look like naked. Often I think that we delude ourselves into believing that we’ve tricked someone into sleeping with use with a strategically coordinated outfit or pushup bra. Have some faith in you and your body! You haven’t tricked anyone.

(read the rest here. honestly, i think those words just changed my life).

in the end, i am only me — soft stomach, thick legs, round bum and all. i am not a woman out of magazines or television screens. but i am realizing finally that i, too, deserve love and affection and femininity because, no matter how society attempts to shape my ideas about women and our bodies, i am still just as much a woman as any woman (just like you!). i deserve dresses and skits and lace and silk. i deserve to be feminine.

the freedom i am discovering in bottomless self-love and self-acceptance cannot be compared to any single thing. freedom for the soul rarely can compare to much.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i bought a sweet little hat today!

yes, i do feel girly in it!)

today, yesterday, and the day before that

after spending every day last week in the city, i kicked off the new week the only way i knew how…

in the city of course!

at the beach in particular (and the park. and the concrete avenues of the sunset district).

with a guy in particular.

on a particularly gorgeous day for san francisco in january…

i woke up in a particularly good mood this morning.

see, the thing is this: a few days before new years i met someone new. well, actually, i re-met him. but the other day marked the first time we ever legitimately kicked it. can i just say i have never felt more of a connection to another person so quickly? is that weird? maybe don’t answer that.

regardless, the past couple of days have left me stupid-happy and little girl giddy. i know not to carry myself too far off into fantastical lands but a woman’s gotta dream a little dream, right? right. especially when this new guy is a (brilliant) spoken word poet, deeply soulful, honest, creative, and a male i feel comfortable enough with to call a man instead of a boy. tough thing to do at this age, or so i find. interactions feel fluid. i don’t feel the need to keep my guard up, around my personality or my body (though, nothing outside of the most excellent of cuddles has happened. i move sloooow.) my perspective is shifting as life shifts. something in the universe is supporting me and protecting me. i feel it. 2012 is bringing something special for the mind, body, soul, and heart.

now, if you’ll excuse me. i’ve got a room to clean and organize!

how has 2012 treated you so far?

namaste

zoe

want to hear a funny story?

yesterday, something funny happened.

a coworker relayed to me a phone number given to him by a customer…

…for me.

and now i have a date for next week with a customer who apparently liked me enough to leave behind his number for me.

i think a lot of the time we forget how captivating we are. i think we doubt our allure (inner and outer). i think we feel more comfortable believing the negative things we’ve told ourselves for years (like “i’m too fat for anyone” or “i’m so boring and unimportant”). what a waste! you’re brighter than you let yourself shine. other people notice during the moments you open up. you never know who might be watching or listening.

on a more personal level, i think gaining weight has been the best god damned thing that has happened to me this year. it sounds crazy, but losing my societally acceptable “thin” body lead me to a deep sense of self. it allowed me to break free from the cultural myths and ideas keeping me trapped inside a life of misery. with weight came a new set of truths, ones that allowed me to form a new foundation of worth, one that had nothing to do with what i looked like. through loss of body confidence, i gained self confidence. i started to see myself through the eyes of other people, to listen, really listen, to things they told me about me. better yet, i started to believe them. gaining weight let me become me again.

i think that, because i am finally me again, because i am finally letting myself shine bright because i feel bright, people are noticing. i say that not to sound narsissictic, rather just to point out that outsides really don’t fucking matter. it truly is whats on the inside that counts for the most. genuine people will recognize that and honor you for it.

so please, my loves, get out there. be your beautiful selves. with a little positivity, i think you’ll attract all the positive energy you’ve been looking for.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: today was my last day at work! i am officially, intentionally, unemployed. bittersweet. incredibly bittersweet.)