letting go

sometime around late march will mark the two year marker for my little blog.

(the sky the other night. spring is so lovely)

calling it a blog sounds too negative in the way self-indlgent is. my journal. my space for practicing honesty. my corner on the tangled streets of the internet to connect with soul neighbors. those sound like better descriptions.

i started writing a few months into the crazy (on a different blog). the voice sounds constrained, strained. kind of like a little girl trying to fit in.

the voice grew as i grew. evolved in tone, in intensity, mirrored whatever state of being i occupied whilst typing. still, i felt much like a little girl trying to fit in, trying to sew budding consciousness onto the patchwork of the self-love quilt. it never quite stitched in right.

and, as i approach my two year time chip, a solitary thought address me. repeatedly.

i am ready to let go of this blog.

i keep stumbling into rambling valleys of self-discovery and i find i don’t want to share. i want to reflect on experiences, know what they mean to me, before sharing. i am enjoying the solo journey through the ever changing forrest of colors, thoughts, and moods. i am questioning myself, my beliefs. and, in the process, i am releasing.

every day i shed past ways of thinking, acting, and believing that only served to hurt me. writing here is like writing continually of the past, of things i no longer feel so connected to. my eating disorder, my depression, are not my life anymore. they are parts of my life. i can’t keep my focus on them like they matter more than anything else.

additionally, the more i step away from the blog-o-sphere, the happier i am. kind of like how i feel about facebook (i don’t have one). i more organically experience life and its lessons when i am not reading the opinions of others. not sitting in front of a screen for hours some how feels better, too.

so, for now i am disconnecting. it’s the best choice, the one my heart keeps asking of me to make. there are new avenues to be explored. life can’t be directed at a computer screen for me anymore. my passions lie elsewhere. please feel free to e-mail me. i will always offer an open ear.

thank you so much for following me on this crazy, messy, lovely trip. thank you for listening, sharing, and connecting. you’re wonderful, lovebugs. truly.

much, much love.

namaste

zoe

to be real

that last post felt and sounded nothing like me.

(source)

for real.

like, really, in retrospect…what?

doling out skin care advice doesn’t sound like me. it’s not what i want to write, what my heart asks me to bare.

i continuously move away from the true nature of this blog: a means for me to cope (and, i guess, technically, an open journal for the anonymous).

to be honest, this blog is more for me than for anyone else. call it self-ish, it’s okay. i don’t feel self-ish. the internet offers virtual communities. so. this is a way for me to connect and start dialogues until, eventually, i can start ones with the people in my life face to face. call it practice.

you may wonder why i chose to post so candidly. i’d hoped by now you’d have picked up on the openness of my nature. i like to talk, discuss and, occasionally just kidding like all the time, to the dismay of friends and family, over analyze. sorry. that’s in my DNA make-up, too. i have always been interested in the answers behind the questions, in investigating. i like the nitty gritty in life. the shadowy details. some people don’t.

i am here for those who do. i am here to share this journey alongside yours, to connect to other humans experiencing the experience of life and living. because you know, it’s not easy. this whole living business.

skin care just isn’t on the agenda, kids.

i can’t wish away the feelings i feel. no matter how i try to avoid them, ultimately they’ll round a street corner on some tuesday afternoon and link arms with me again. talking about them talks me through them, before, finally, talking me out of them.

i did not ask for the life i landed. something or someone somewhere put me in the ‘really, really ridiculously lucky pile‘ and threw in some baggage for good measure. no one can be ‘really, really, really ridiculously lucky’.

every person carries sadness. did i not say that earlier this month? well. it’s time i start believing it. it’s time i start allowing that sadness, that anger, that nitty gritty, to be felt instead of covering it up with a superficial, poorly concocted happiness/gratitude blend. i can’t guilt myself out of experiencing authentic emotion anymore.

i’m done apologizing for what bubbles up, for being ashamed every time i sigh.

starting.

now.

namaste

zoe

some things, funny and not-so

today is a mountains behind mountains kind of day.

(this was the other day)

no clouds. blue sky. glorious sunshine.

oh yeah. it’s not february or anything.

(just kidding it rained last week for two days).

i am very happy today. very settled. after two or three very unsettling weeks. let’s not dwell on that. it’s done and gone. here now is happiness. i like that.

i like silly, random thoughts too. a lot have come up today.

like 1) next month marks my two year blogging aniversary. can you believe i’ve been blabbing into space for that long? i still can’t believe people bother reading sometimes!

2) i fell off my bike today. while not moving. it hurt. but i still laughed despite stinging knees. because really. reaaaally zoe?

3) my soft, gentle, self-love voices sounds like zooey deschannel’s character jess from new girl. i don’t know why. just like i don’t know why zooey spells her name the way she does.

4) it’s my ex’s 23rd birthday today. last year it was raining. i made him cake and we made dinner. the next day, we ended our relationship and my life disintegrated. today, a whole year later, i looked at the sky with a smile and wished him the brightest, happiest birthday.

5) i can’t.stop.dancing.

6) i can’t stop cooking, either. i developed TWO recipes (TWO!) this week so far. vegan dishes i’ll share with you another day.

7) i am, slowly, slowly, feeling my feelings. yesterday i woke up sad. not the immobilizing sadness depression brings, just normal sad. my mind raced for a quick fix, to feel anything other than sad. instead, i laced up my shoes and walked my ass along concrete side walks. i kicked rocks. i cried a little, caught soft sobs in my throat. by evening, i was laughing and conversing and enjoying beers with a friend. BECAUSE I FELT THAT SHIT OUT, YO! (i’m weird.)

(8 ) and i like that, too)

9) i haven’t washed my hair with shampoo in well over a month. it’s healthier than it’s ever been. (i’ll talk about beauty/grooming stuff soon. it’s a secret passion of mine.)

(think i need to touch up my roots? heh…)

10) i am loving on vegetables lately. finally getting back to my roots of wellness. finally remembering what i loved about health and happiness.

11) i am so damn grateful today.

what about you? any silly things you’re kickin’ round up in that head of yours you want to share?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: yes. i took all those photos. please no stealing )

music monday + HUGStronger

mmmm, the promise of a new week!

(source)

kicking it off with beautiful music always helps wash away those monday blues.

today imma introduce you to phantogram.

i first heard phantogram over the summer when i spent three blissful days at outside lands in san francisco. a friend i was with at the festival loved them and took me to see them. recently, the same friend included them on a CD she made for me. um.

i’m hooked.

the band consists of two people, a man and a woman. they’re flipping awesome. i’ll start you off with the first song i ever heard and let you adventure a little more if you choose to. (choose to).

MOUTHFUL OF DIAMONDS :: PHANTOGRAM

before i wrap up and wish you a pleasant monday, i want to share something else. over the weekend a reader named kaleigh e-mailed me about blog community she started for young women in college: HUGStronger. i took a peek around the site and all i have to say is this: i wish i had a community like HUGStronger when i was in school!

instead of me trying to sum up what HUGStronger stands for, i will allow kaleigh’s own words to explain:

Kaleigh Somers’s college years were plagued by periods of personal doubt and depression, issues with body image, and academic obsessions.

To help empower college students and reassure them that they are not alone in their struggles, be those personal, professional, academic, or athletic, she developed HUGstronger, a content-driven blog community that operates on the belief that honest, authentic storytelling can change the world. The site categorizes posts into relationship struggles, being away from home, health issues, fitting in, academics, and letters to undergraduates in the same field of study.

HUGstronger launched on January 9, 2012 with a team of more than twenty writers. Updated daily, the site continues to drive new visitors as it reaches across the country—Michigan and Iowa, New York and Georgia—and across the globe—Australia, the United Kingdom, India and the Philippines.

“My close friends from home and school were struggling with extreme dieting, sexual promiscuity, panic disorders and suicidal thoughts,” says founder Kaleigh Somers. “I couldn’t sit back and let that drive their college experiences, and I knew empowered storytelling could change that.”

In just ten years, the number of women battling anorexia has increased by more than 75 percent. In the last year alone, bullying-related suicide has dominated the national news. Depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues are rising at dramatic rates. Now, more than ever, undergrads need support.

The HUGstronger team believes young adults need to rise up against the biggest issues they face, but first they must know the team is here, extending a hand, offering them a virtual hug.

On January 30, HUGstronger launched a campaign on IndieGoGo to increase marketing efforts and pay for site redesign costs. Within a week, the team had already raised more than a third of its goal and donations continue to flood in.

College-aged individuals can read informative, empowering posts by like-minded individuals at http://www.hugstronger.com . They can also submit their stories , share how they’ve helped others grow since coming to college, and join the HUGstronger team .

HUGstronger continues to seek new writers to join the team and contribute on a one-time or regular basis. The more stories shared, the more likely readers will connect with the team and its mission.

can we talk about amazing people? because kaleigh is definitely one of them. a lot of girls and young women struggle silently in college. we feel disconnected and isolated in our problems. we don’t know how to speak up and speak out. kaleigh has not only created a platform for this, but a community as well. you’ll find people to connect with, people to share with, people who understand. take a look around HUGStronger. fight for what you believe in and fight against all you don’t. doing it with other people makes the cause that much stronger.

one more time for good measure: HUGStronger.

have a lovely monday!

namaste

zoe

still ill

so i’ve got ample time to sit and write.

between trips to the bathroom, of course.

tmi?

nevermind. still, i am surprised to be feeling so sick again this morning. yesterday i eventually peeled myself off the couch and, in perfectly decent health, visited a friend in my college town for the day. some of whatever bug i caught is still crawling around my insides. obviously. i am watching movies today. on the couch. sipping homemade ginger tea. the beautiful sunshine outside will, unfortunately, have to wait.

i am not going to give the bug all the credit though. i am going to share the honor with another culprit: my diet. a few days ago i mentioned the lack of self-care in my life. it extends to the food on my plate, too. i am being pretty careless with what i put into my body. i know sugar does me in and i’ve been eating too much of that. additionally, the amount of gluten i’ve been eating has increased something like ten fold. i never used to eat as much gluten as i’ve been eating lately. i’m afraid it’s not helping.

my stomach hurts.
i am constantly bloated.
i am unbelievably nauseous.
i’ve gotten more headaches in the past two months than i have in the past two years.
i am consistently tired despite the good nights of sleep.

something is up.

which is why, when i feel better, i am giving up gluten and sugar. i am hoping to give up sugar entirely and i am simply testing a gluten theory. i know i don’t have celiac disease and i know i am not allergic to wheat. but i know i am sensitive to something. so why not start with gluten?

now, if you’ll excuse me. i’ve got a couch to lay on all day.

namaste

zoe

i think…

i think i spend too much time on the computer.

or, rather, in front of a screen.

i enjoy life the most while out engaging. experiencing. exploring. busy sunlight hours, peaceful moonlight hours, my ideal schedule. lately though, life’s pace has shifted. late nights lead to late mornings. early afternoon mimics a typical morning and ten p.m plays early evening for a few hours. sleep comes in the first few hours of the new day, gently releasing me an hour before noon. sleep exists in broken hours and splintered dreams. i am always tired. inside, my spirit vibrates, grows restless in its dull cage, the heavy limbs and heavy energy its nuisances, its keepers.

i am not paying much mind to self-care. the word ‘stagnant’ burns in my mind like some endlessly dying ember. stagnant routine. stagnant energy. stagnant thoughts. the spirit i mentioned? asks for something different. asks for risks. asks for yoga. asks for connection. for rest, laughter, love. but i live in hollow buildings built on old beliefs. i lock myself into rooms of ideas too full to accept any one new. i am not comfortable here, pinched between these old fears grossly inflated by their sense of importance.

for the past number of months i’ve focused so much and so hard on mentally caring for myself, tending to the emotional wounds. i forgot physical care mattered, forgot self-care stitched together many squares of fabric for its quilt. i forgot self-care included resting regularly, drinking enough water, moving appropriately. i forgot it included meditation, deep breathing, stretching.

instead, i’ve been sitting a lot. watching life instead of being in it. i am not tending to my physical self. i’ve been spending a lot of time away from home, late nights outside of my bed. my body is still catching up with the zealousness of my spirit. it feels heavy in a sense outside of weight.

this is a really long winded explanation for saying i-am-backing-away-from-the-computer-for-a-bit, simply. there is too much sluggishness circulating around my system for me to sit here, in front of a screen. it can be easy to get sucked into the blog world in favor of the real world (and the internet in general). and i need to spend a little more time caring for my whole self. so that means diving my time differently.

i was feeling so well in the early weeks of january because i was still caring for my whole self. i want to move back into that space. that felt healing. this feels…counterproductive.

namaste

zoe

help, i’m alive (self-love sunday version)

i’m alive!

silent since january third but bubbling over with words the whole time. i missed the freedom of unloading onto a screen at the days end. i missed talking into space and seeing who replied. i missed sharing and communicating. i missed blogging for a second, sure, but not enough to trade the last five days for much.

basically, i spent the past five days in san francisco under an umbrella of blue sky paired with temperatures hovering somewhere in the low 60′s. i spent it surrounded by positive, loving, compassionate, passionate people. i spent it chatting over sidewalk cafe breakfasts and in kitchens cooking homemade vegan meals. i spent it laughing, loving, relaxing.

i am overwhelmingly blessed. i am overwhelmingly thankful. i am expanding and releasing and reveling, building up and breaking down. life rarely makes sense but right now, i understand its lessons a little more deeply. i feel plugged in again. ready to embrace it all — the good, the bad, and all the little bits in between. i feel ready to leave the past behind and step, finally, into this new chapter i’ve been trying to write for two years.

i have so much to write. so much to babble about. i’ll save that for another time. for now, simply enjoy your weekend. appreciate your blessings and where you are right now. the state of your soul is always beautiful

namaste

zoe

goodbye, 2011 (and my hair: in 3 parts!)

sending 2011 off with a bang tonight.

(source)
heading out to a friend’s in the sunset district of san francisco for a house party which, i am told, will be of epic proportions. kind of excited. kind of really excited. i’ll be with two of my best friends, a ton of strangers, and one super attractive guy who i happen to know thinks i’m cute

so i decided to straighten my hair for this. it’s a funny process.

one.

two.

three.

and yes, i do straighten my hair in a sports bra. it gets really hot. especially when you’re basically submerged in heat for like…an hour and a half.

ANYWAY.

thank you all for the support, love, and kindness you showed me this year. you helped keep my head up when i couldn’t, injected positivity into my world when it was only grey, and made me laugh when all i wanted to do was cry. i am forever grateful for your beautiful, uplifting, generous words. wishing you all the best during your last day of 2011! may your new year bring you all the peace you seek, all the happiness you deserve, and all the love you need.

namaste

zoe

a new year

i am so ready to wrap 2011 up in a box and shelve it.

(source)
2011, in summation, has a one word description: struggle.

in 2011 i:
got cheated on
gained back all the weight i lost plus more
developed a binge eating problem
developed bulimia in response to said bingeing problem
self-harmed
fell into a deep depression
got sick more than i did in the past two years

in 2011 i:
found myself again
fell in love with life again
crawled out of the darkness
started seeing a therapist
started feeling and processing my emotions
started eating meat again (!)
broke out of my restrictive eating habits
broke out of my exercise compulsion
went deeper into my yoga practice
learned how to balance again (literally and figuratively)
made beautiful, solid friendships
got out of my comfort zone (hello, burning man!)
found my soul on the dance floor

i never laughed and cried so much in one year. i never felt more inspired and more stuck. i never felt more confident and more uncomfortable. talk about a crazy emotional, crazy hectic — just crazy period — year.

though i’m definitely not one to make new years resolutions, i somehow decided to make one last year. looking at it makes me smile. in only 12 short months so much has changed…

(last year’s list)
GO DEEPER INTO MY YOGA PRACTICE (already happening!)
START AND COMPLETE MY FIRST 200 HOURS OF YOGA SCHOOL
GO TO CULINARY SCHOOL
GET MY TATTOO (making the appointment tomorrow, actually!)
RUN A HALF MARATHON
RUN A MARATHON
COOK AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
FINISH THE NOVEL I STARTED THIS PAST SEMESTER
CUT WHITE SUGAR OUT OF MY DIET COMPLETELy (seriously you guys, this shit just does not jive with me and i kind of need to accept it.)
ATTEND COUNSELING UNTIL I FEEL STRONG ENOUGH TO STAND ON MY OWN
LOVE MYSELF. COMPLETELY.

in review, how did i expect to accomplish any of that in one year! what a ridiculous set up for ultimate failure! i went deeper in my yoga practice and totally garnered a bottomless self-love. i cooked, but not as much as i hoped. about the only other thing i accomplished on that list was seeing a counselor. still happening! but me? running a marathon and a half marathon? whaaaaat a flippin’ joke!

this year, i have much more simple goals…

continue on my path of wellness
continue on my journey of self-love
continue to deepen my yoga practice
continue with therapy
go back to school for naturopathic medicine
read a little more
write a little more
step back from the screen a lot more
play around with and learn my camera more
say ‘yes‘ to everything i can manage, especially those things that scare me the most
laugh more
love more
play more
cook more
reach a natural, healthy weight

in the past few years i feel like i started every year by saying “this year is going to be a good year.” in my heart of hearts though, i know i never really believed it. i lived with too much foreboding, too much sadness, too much hatred to ever really believe it.

this year though…

this year is going to be the year i’ve been waiting for. i can feel it. for real this time.

do you make new years resolutions? did you accomplish any this year? what are yours for this coming year, if you make them?

namaste

zoe

a holiday gift to myself

sometimes, you just gotta give yourself a personal gift.

i couldn’t help myself.

zoe, with gratitude.

namaste

zoe