calling it a blog sounds too negative in the way self-indlgent is. my journal. my space for practicing honesty. my corner on the tangled streets of the internet to connect with soul neighbors. those sound like better descriptions.
i started writing a few months into the crazy (on a different blog). the voice sounds constrained, strained. kind of like a little girl trying to fit in.
the voice grew as i grew. evolved in tone, in intensity, mirrored whatever state of being i occupied whilst typing. still, i felt much like a little girl trying to fit in, trying to sew budding consciousness onto the patchwork of the self-love quilt. it never quite stitched in right.
and, as i approach my two year time chip, a solitary thought address me. repeatedly.
i am ready to let go of this blog.
i keep stumbling into rambling valleys of self-discovery and i find i don’t want to share. i want to reflect on experiences, know what they mean to me, before sharing. i am enjoying the solo journey through the ever changing forrest of colors, thoughts, and moods. i am questioning myself, my beliefs. and, in the process, i am releasing.
every day i shed past ways of thinking, acting, and believing that only served to hurt me. writing here is like writing continually of the past, of things i no longer feel so connected to. my eating disorder, my depression, are not my life anymore. they are parts of my life. i can’t keep my focus on them like they matter more than anything else.
additionally, the more i step away from the blog-o-sphere, the happier i am. kind of like how i feel about facebook (i don’t have one). i more organically experience life and its lessons when i am not reading the opinions of others. not sitting in front of a screen for hours some how feels better, too.
so, for now i am disconnecting. it’s the best choice, the one my heart keeps asking of me to make. there are new avenues to be explored. life can’t be directed at a computer screen for me anymore. my passions lie elsewhere. please feel free to e-mail me. i will always offer an open ear.
thank you so much for following me on this crazy, messy, lovely trip. thank you for listening, sharing, and connecting. you’re wonderful, lovebugs. truly.
much, much love.