things my ego gave me

i don’t remember when i got so scared.

(source)
of sharing. of speaking my truth. of life itself.

i don’t remember forfeiting my happiness. i just remember waking up one day with a vague idea of having lost something.

i don’t remember fanning out the fire of my character till it glowed so dim as to be easily forgotten.

i don’t remember when doubt crowned himself the king of all decisions.

i don’t remember embarrassment building me a house to live in, a house to never leave.

somewhere along the way, the fiery, opinionated, passionate, mover of a girl i was, (am), decided to play a really long, really difficult game of hide-and-go-seek. every time i thought i found her, it turned out i had only stumbled on the echo of her.

i used to laugh all the time. i used to crack jokes over jokes over jokes. i dipped into my weirdness openly, showcased it for friends and family and newcomers alike. i enjoyed the awkwardness, the oddities of my personality and character. i rejoiced it. i knew no one like me simply because there was no one like me.

then, i stumbled. my ego hissed at me: “no one will like you. what are you doing here? what did you just say? dear god, why did you just say what you just said?”

so i tried on pieces of personalities i liked, absorbed well received traits of others like a vortex. i worried so much and so well over things like “do they like me?” and “if i do/say/act like that he and she and all of them won’t like me anymore. they’ll think i’m weird.” the real me got scared. she hid and stayed hidden.

yesterday, i danced in an empty house for ten solid minutes, giggling like a five year old laughing the whole time. unfavorable thoughts snuck their way into the happy space i created. i stopped laughing. my ego found my self dancing freely and said, “um, do you know how stupid you look right now?”

my self faltered. stopped flailing. arms found tighter, more controlled movements. legs suddenly preferred mere shuffling over jumping and swinging. my self apologized. then, thought further, and corrected herself: “oh, fuck it.” wild limbs were wild once more.

the people i find myself admiring the most present their whole selves. all those flaws and all those beauties. they don’t apologize for who they are. they just are.

i used to be like that.

which means i can be that, again.

it means i can move out of the house embarrassment built me. it means i can coop d’etat doubt right off his throne. it means i can relight my fire, let it burn and burn. it means i can be happy again. it means i won’t be the wrong kind of scared.

it means, simply, i can be me.

again.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: thanks for your anxiety tips. using them next time i feel all kinds of uncomfortable!)

thursday is thankful turkey day

happy thanksgiving, lovelies.

(source…this is my favorite part of thanksgiving outside of being with my family. iheartpumpkinpie!)

i am feeling bright, inspired, happy, and calm today.

not like last thanksgiving.
last thanksgiving, i ran four miles and skipped breakfast. and lunch.
last thanksgiving i filled up on vegetables, a minuscule round of mashed potatoes, and no turkey.
last thanksgiving i avoided the dessert table because why undo the hard work of four miles?
last thanksgiving i was sad.

this thanksgiving?
i woke up around 10:30 and took pictures of my backyard in all its grayness (lots of cloud cover).
i walked one mile and did two miles of intervals.
i ate salmon and asparagus for breakfast (slash lunch.)
i will be eating turkey for the first time in two years (!) (though, honestly, thanksgiving turkey always kind of sucked. way too dry. and i hate gravy. i know, why kind of american am i?)
i will not avoid the dessert table out of desire to avoid eating but, rather, out of compassion for and understanding of my health and body. (sugar hates me. i cry.)
this thanksgiving, i am happy.

and so very, very thankful.
i am thankful for my health.
i am thankful for this body.
i am thankful for the lessons learned.
i am thankful for all the hard times and all the good ones in between.
i am thankful for my amazing, supportive family.
i am thankful for my patient, sweet friends.
i am thankful for this sense of peace i experience more deeply every day.
i am thankful for yoga.
i am thankful for finally coming back to myself.
i am thankful for my roommates, who are saving me without knowing it.
i am thankful for all the beauty surrounding me.
i am thankful for the beautiful, solid upbringing i received. (sometimes, you don’t know how lucky you really are until, well, you know.)
i am thankful for my life.

i am also thankful for you.
every single one of you who reads these words and reaches out and connects. i am thankful to feel purposeful and humbled and challenged. i am thankful for all your kind words and your continued support. it means more to me than you know.

have a beautiful thanksgiving. enjoy the abundance of life. you’re worth it.

what are you thankful for?

namaste

zoe

meet yourself where you’re at

recently, i’ve caught myself thinking my body looks a certain way when, really, it doesn’t.

(source)

i am bigger than i choose to see myself. i am not knocking myself down here. i am not fishing for compliments. i am merely telling it as it is. and it’s true. i’m not thin. however, i keep thinking i am. because i used to be and because the disordered part of me keeps wanting me to be.

this in and of itself is a form of avoiding reality. by choosing to view myself through a skewed lens, i am not seeing the real me. i am only seeing the past me as well as the me i wish to see in the future. if we see ourselves as we are not, we are also choosing to not accept ourselves. every time i believe i am thinner or smaller than i am, i am telling myself “you’re not good enough as is.” it has been incredibly important for me on this journey to love myself as i am now. not as i was or how i want to be. just now. round belly, big thighs, ass, chest and all.

some days i feel acutely the heaviness of my body. i feel the limitations extra weight brings. i feel a little too much the discomfort of dressing. i tug and pull and wiggle around in order to hide myself. on days where self-love inches away from me, it becomes easy to slip into self-hatred mode.

my therapist tells me i am in a process. and on days when i forget, i get hot with impatience. i am of the immediate gratification generation. sometimes, i grow exasperated at the image in the mirror. how are you still so big? how are you still so round? how can you not fit into those pants, still? negative thoughts spill out of their hiding places, bombarding me from every angle. it is here where the eating disorder voice shimmies out of the shadows. it is here where i start to feel the prickly sensation of anxiety. it is here where i start to believe again i am ugly, fat, worthless. binges come from this place. purges come from this place.

but, recently, i am finding the struggle more easily settled. because i remember to pause, breathe, and question the thoughts quickly piling up. i remember to tell myself, gently, lovingly, that i am in a process. processes do not happen over night. or in a week. or in a month. processes have different experation dates for different people. and punishing yourself with self-harm or self-harming thoughts will do nothing but draw you away from the happiness you seek.

on days when i most want to shed my skin, i try (and sometimes fail) to bring myself back to myself. i feel my body for what it is. even if i don’t accept it i at least try to meet myself where i truly am. i move my hands over the parts of myself i most dislike and try to not think a negative thought. instead, i try to tell myself i am beautiful as is. that i deserve to be treated well. that rolls and pouches do not, actually, sum up a person’s worth. by physically touching myself, i am reaffirming my existence.

when we meet ourselves where we truly are, we root ourselves more firmly in the present. i am a believer in the present. not the past. not the future. just the here and now, the time we fully exist in. we existed in the past. we will exist in the future. but right now, we exist here, directly in this moment. and by living ahead of ourselves, or behind ourselves, we lose the real us.

you might be overweight today. you might be underweight. you might be somewhere in the middle. but we are all in a process. and we all deserve to treat ourselves with compassion and love and understanding. we all deserve to meet ourselves where we’re at.

because, whether you know it or believe it, you are beautiful. just as you are. every square inch of mind, body, and soul.

namaste

zoe

(also, it’s totally music monday so here is a song i cannotcannotcannot get enough of. when the bass and beat kick in it totally unravels me. why did it take me so long to discover this guy???

minnesota, wi — bon iver

also, p.s: i updated my “about me” page. and uh, the web design. obviously )

ignoring negative nancy

last night i went climbing with a friend.

sunday nights usually draw a small crowd. it’s the emptiness i love, the quietness i look forward to, and the down tempo vibe that lends an easiness to the atmosphere. i spent the first hour or so attempting to finish a v2 (bouldering route) i never finished last time. i still did not finish it. although i definitely, definitely progressed and am super close to finishing it, all i heard was “failure”. which triggered a trickle down effect of negative chatter.

i started hearing “i’ll never be a decent climber.”

a thought that reminds me of similar thoughts:
“i’ll never be able to be a strong, nimble yogi.”
“i’ll never finish another story. i’ll never be a decent writer.”
“i’ll never be able to be committed to anything.”

the question left me asking, am i really unable to be and do these things? or am i merely influencing the outcome by being negative?

if i do not immediately understand something, i generally immediately quit. frustration deflates me kiiind of quickly. i get all inflated with negative, self-depricating thoughts instead, the ones that guide me to my eventual demise.

i think i’m learning negative thinking totally impacts the outcome of actions.

i am realizing more and more how much patience is needed. well, in just about everything, but particularly in regards to something requiring skill. to gain any kind of skill, you gotta put in a little something called practice. and dedication to that practice.

the negative voice has no right to knock you down and rob you of your practice. or convince you of your inabilities. or instill such doubt in you that you don’t even try. it takes a lot to overcome the automatic negative voice. it’s kind of a big old case of “try, try, and try again.” it’s learning from each not-so-successful attempt and withholding judgement when you feel the need to slap a label on the outcome. it’s recognizing when you start drifting off into the negative chatter and catching yourself before you float off entirely.

and it takes patience. a lot of patience.

getting there.

do you struggle with negativity? do you think negative thoughts have an impact on your life? how so?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: this is my 100th post! on this site at least. i have no idea how many i posted on the old blog hah

p.p.s: i didn’t binge yesterday!!!! i had no urge to (not normal) and felt so completely free. hoping it carries onto today!)

self-love sunday

it’s been a few sundays.

or at least it feels like it!

it also feels like it’s been a long week. i worked a lot. slept little. binged too much. moved too little. basically, i feel out of whack. and i’ve been thinking. (really, i think i should stop saying i’ve been thinking because i am always thinking. hah.)

earlier today i went on a run. aaaaand it completely kicked my ass. it sucks to admit but damn, i am out of shape. by the end of the run (which, by the way, felt a little like torture today) i was a sweaty mess. and feeling completely defeated. post-run i wandered over to the mall to return some clothing i decided i didn’t need. i tried on a few pieces, excited at the loose, flow-ey, hippie skirts and pants. none of them fit. cue the defeated feeling. i left feeling weird. kind of down. definitely “fat” (yes, i know fat is not a feeling). which is when i realized this:

i am not very good at self compassion.

i am very good at showing compassion to other people. at showing forgiveness, understanding, patience, and empathy. yet, whenever i try and direct the same softness towards myself, i end up falling flat on my face. last night, over an hour and a half sushi dinner, i shared a really loaded conversation with a friend. it concerned deep seeded negativity, self-hatred, depression, black-and-white thinking. we discussed how we use self-deprication as a motivating force. we gawked at the idea of how truly uncomfortable our “comfort zones” are. we both found it ridiculous how often we use the all-or-nothing mentality.

the end of the lengthy conversation left me wound up in internal dialogue. so much for relaxing huh?

right now, i know that, if i continue to treat myself as i have been treating myself, i will get no where.
right now, i know self-compassion is my ket to freedom from this living hell of a prison i’ve locked myself in.
right now, i know living in the past does nothing for my future.
right now, i know bashing each and every little piece of me will never amount to a healthy body image.

i am finding it immensely difficult to be gentle with myself. if last night’s conversation illuminated anything, it highlighted the fact that i have no idea how to positively inspire myself. i know loathing, cursing, kicking and screaming. i do not know love, light, softness and patience. additionally, i am scared. shitless. at this moment, the eating disorder feels unconquerable. recovery feels years away. lightyears. whenever i think about the amount of effort needed to tame this devil, i get a little short of breath. this journey could last weeks, months, or years. and ‘years’ makes me shut down. i am so overwhelmed by the journey ahead of me, as i feel like am only just getting started now.

this week, i am going to practice at simply breathing. and not thinking too deeply. i truly do need to relax. keeping the gears churning at all hours of the day will not bring calm. for the next seven days, i am going to put forth the effort this fight has been missing. i am going to throw myself into yoga, into the arms and conversation of friends, into long walks and sweaty runs. i am going to try as hard as i can to appreciate my body where it is now. i am going to feed myself as well as possible. most of all, i am going to breathe.

wish me luck <3

how was your week? your weekend?

namaste

zoe

the universe and the list

sometimes i feel like i just gave up on fighting.

sometimes i feel like i simply refuse to try.
sometimes i feel like i will never overcome the dual eating disorders.
sometimes i feel trapped, crazy, wasteful.

yesterday i received a free tarot card reading. laugh all you want but i put a lot of stock into tarot cards and the likes. regardless, the card i pulled (super short tarot card reading) totally sucked the wind outta me. a man balanced on one foot and appeared to be dancing. in his hands he juggled two items encircled by an infinity sign. in the background, thrashing waves carried old timey ships.

the woman told me i need to relax, that i am only partially grounded (one foot on the ground). the “dancing” indicated i am still caught up. the juggling referenced the need for balance. the ships in the background reference the people in my life who are also experiencing trouble. she encouraged me to stop focusing so much on those people behind me because, like me, they’ll be fine. she told me to stop trying to fit myself into a million different categories and just be. mainly she told me to relax. over and over again. to just let go and realize i will be totally, completely, one-hundred percent fine.

she basically explained everything i’ve been thinking and feeling as of late. oddly enough i feel ground yet utterly out of control. i’ve been focusing so much attention on friends and their issues. i’ve been playing with a million different diet ideas and a million different exercise plans and a million different self-diagnosis (diagno-sees?) and generally just wiggling around uncomfortably instead of simply being.

today, my horoscope (also something i put a lot of stock into) urges me to release myself “from some of the responsibilities i [you] have might help me [you] learn to relax into my [your] life and let go of some of my [your] limitations.“

oh boy.

i’ve been so focused on how much of a failure i’ve felt like recently and so focused on how uncomfortable i am in my own skin i am forgetting to, again, let it be. i am forgetting to just have fun. there is so much more to life than binging and purging. it makes me sad i have to remind myself of that.

so i am inspired. the other day recovery bits posted a list containing 20 reasons she wasn’t going to binge. today, i will do the same.

twenty reasons why i will not binge today (after having done so every day this week)
1. BECAUSE I WILL PURGE
2. because food will not solve my problems
3. because i will feel depressed, ashamed, and worthless when i’m done
4. because food does not replace friends
5. or fun, for that matter
6. because, regardless of how much i feel i want the food, i know deep down that i actually don’t
7. because i’d rather wake up refreshed instead of groggy, hungry instead of bloated
8. because i am tired of not fitting into clothes
9. because i want to break this awful habit so, so badly
10. because when i don’t binge, my runs go smoothly
11. because i want to enjoy life, not punish myself
12. because i am making myself sick
13. because living to eat is not living
14. because i am stronger than i think i am
15. because i am sick of ruining the opportunity to eat regular meals at regular times during the day
16. because i know i can apply myself
17. because i am not just fighting for myself anymore
18. because i am tired of being tired and i deserve a sound night of sleep
19. because my body deserves more
20. because i deserve more

here’s to a good day. here’s to a day filled with child-like imagination, soul soothing food, sunshine, laughter, and color. here’s to a day free of binges, of self-imposed sadness, and of listening to the demons.

here’s to freedom, if only for one day.

namaste

zoe

moments of worth

yesterday started off poorly.

even after declaring on monday that i would kick this week’s ass.

as i drove to work yesterday morning, awash in hurtful behaviors and self-pity, some voice in my head sounded off. some voice (dare i call it my compassionate, self-loving voice?) blurted out to me before i could potentially stop it.

“i am worth more than this.”

the comment totally caught me off guard. like, completely. sure, i think positive thoughts from time to time but it’s rare (almost entirely) for me to believe them wholeheartedly. the negative voice tends to linger right behind the positive voice, ready with a counter thought. something like: yeah, right. but yesterday, no challenging voice emerged. i only sat there, stunned, before thinking “yes. yes i am!”

for the remainder of the day, whenever i found myself trolling into negative mind space, the thought “you’re worth more than this” kept popping into my head. and i kept believing it.

because i am worth more than all the painful acts of self-harm and all the negative self-bashing comments. i am worthy of all good things. like happiness, balance, love, light, and a comfortable existence. i think i forgot that there for a second. yesterday was the first time in weeks (literally) i went to sleep without feeling sick and full.

despite the sketchy start of the day, it ended beautifully. i climbed for a few hours after work. i felt strong. i tackled a 5.10 (routes usually start at 5.6. the difficulty increases as the number increases). i forgot all about feeling shitty about my body. i forgot all about how my harness made my legs look, my stomach look. i forgot all about all those insecurities. i just was.

i wouldn’t trade that feeling for the world.

if you’re ever feeling down and out, just remember one thing: you are worthy of all good things. believe it. and no, that’s not a suggestion.

do you have any personal mantras?

namaste

zoe

self-love sunday

i’m going to be honest from the get-go: not a good week for self-love.

not a good one at all.

i’m going to be honest again and say this: i am running out of hope.
i am burning up my reserve of patience.
time, will, and motivation keep dwindling.
i feel like i am trapped inside of a fat suit and the healthy me is scratching to get out.
at least, that’s how it all feels.

key words: how it all feels. situations may feel a certain way but the truth may not be the reality you see — something i am scrambling to remember during hard to breathe moments like this week. the reality is this: the truth most likely looks a completely different way from how you feel. flipping the perspective helps. challenging the immediate negative thought and following it to its real source helps. challenge the false reality your negative voice creates until you live completely in the true reality.

(real) negative thoughts:
“i’m fat as a fucking house”
“no one will like me at burning man”
“i’m so disgusting”
“i’ll never get better. this is the rest of my life”

positive challenges:
“no, you’re really fucking not. you can still run. you can still climb. shut up”
“no one will notice your weight at burning man. they’ll notice your character though, which is rock solid”
“no, you’re not. you’re bloated and uncomfortable and ill from bingeing. it will pass“
“you will get better. no one said to road to recovery was easy. it gets easier every day, even when it feels more difficult. you will get better“

the truth is, i am not as big as a house. i only feel as big as a house because my self-worth is still wrapped up in my weight and appearance. as much as i’d like to say i’ve kicked that nasty habit i really haven’t. this week proved that to me more than anything. i want to move past that notion but i know i won’t until i accept myself as i am right now, stop throwing punches and insults, and soften. for now, i’ll just keep challenging that voice until all i hear is nothing but positivity. or, at the very least, a severely muted version of the negative voice.

on monday my therapist asked me what i liked about my body. nothing came out except ‘my eyes’ (oh, and my hair). at least i can start somewhere.

(my eyyyye)

best part of your weekend? learn anything insightful?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: a week from today i leave for burning man. one week till one week without electronics, my car, or control over food. i look forward to a mini vacation from my brain. )

voices

i wake up today sleepy.

couple that with the fact that a loud, heavy, negative voice keeps yelling at me unkindly and you’ve got a far from happy zoe. i’ve been thinking about voices lately. particularly the ones that sound off in our heads on a daily basis.

we conduct inward conversations with ourselves often. we mull over thoughts in traffic, on the subway, in the shower. we tell ourselves what to do next, what meals to put together, what song to choose. think about it: how many thoughts do you have in one day? even better: who is this voice inside your head?

we all carry within us a voice of intuition. the voice who guides us, lovingly, to health and happiness. unfortunately, we also all carry within us distraction voices. you know the ones. the one who tells you you’re less than you are. the one who tells you you’re not enough of x, y, and z. the one who calls you names, squashes your burgeoning hope and your kind-hearted voice until all you hear and believe is that negative voice. well my loves,

this voice is not you.

this voice is your fears. this voice is your sadness. this voice, simply put, is not your friend. sometimes it gets so loud you forget about the hushed, quiet voice of your intuition. that negative voice though, it still isn’t you.

it’s easy to tell you ‘don’t listen to it!’ but i’m not naive enough to tell you that. this voice can be strong and sometimes unshakeable. it can be. sometimes. there are actions to take, however, to stop empowering it. you can tell it to shut up. you can replace each negative thought the voice throws at you with a positive one. you can resurrect your voice of loving intuition from its dormant state.youcanyoucanyoucan.

today i’m going to try and focus on that voice. the one that loves me. the one that is love. the one that will carry me through the day without dragging me down in the process. it’s only 8:30 and i’ve only been awake for less than an hour yet, already i’ve torn myself to shreds. i’ve already given that voice too much power. the good thing? you can always start over. you don’t have to wait for the setting of the sun and its subsequent rise. start over. now.

tell me three positive things about you. about your life. about anything. just three positive things.

i am breathing.
i have been gifted another day.
i am loved.

namaste

zoe