so something post-worthy DID happen today
by zoe
a friend said something to be earlier:
“i am only okay when i am being validated.”
let me repeat it:
I AM ONLY OKAY WHEN I AM BEING VALIDATED.
her words, her simple little statement, grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me hard. message received. (clearly. i mean, all capitals and bolded?).
that nine word sentence cleared up all the confusion fogging my sanity. or, rather, everything i’ve been thinking and feeling.
you see, both my friend and i require external validation to feel of use, to feel any shred of importance. we ask for responses, attention, encouragement in all we say and do. the explanation for our needy type of behavior boils down to one very short, very sad answer: we are too uncomfortable and unconfident in our selves to ever be content with just the happiness we provide for ourselves, by ourselves.
happiness comes almost purely from the gratification bestowed on us from other people. i am not pretty unless someone comments. i am not smart until someone tells me so. my opinion isn’t the right one unless verified by another. sound familiar to anyone?
in my friends words, i finally understood:
i am not living for myself.
i continually deny what lies in my heart of hearts, preferring to live logically instead of throwing messy emotions into the mix of life. vulnerability scares me that much.
i am too busy worrying about how i am perceived to just fucking be myself. i stutter and stumble over words, get shaky anxious if i think i sound weird or lame. then i go home and judge the shit out of myself for “fucking up” some how. i never used to be that person.
confidence in my self and in my appearance are controlled nearly one hundred percent by the reactions i absorb from other people. it’s like i flirt with the universe and everyone in it to feel a shred of self-likeability. it’s sad.
it’s all really sad. i don’t want to depend on other people to be happy. i don’t want to be pretty only when someone tells me so (i wouldn’t believe them anyway. telling someone they’re pretty when they don’t believe it is a waste of words). i don’t want to feel appreciated only when someone tells me i am. i don’t want to wait on happiness and a solid sense of self anymore.
i just don’t know how to change.
namaste
zoe
(p.s: i am wholly aware of how jugdemental i sound towards myself. i am experiencing the human experience, just like everyone else. i know i shouldn’t be so critical of myself. i know i should be kinder and gentler with my words and actions. but. i don’t know how to twist this into compassion. i just end up hating how much i whine and how dramatic i am. i hate how trapped i am by my own self. i hate how responsible i feel for all of this.)
Just love you for you! Who cares what others think!
exactly my point
working on it!
hi sweet zoe. do you have an email you wouldn’t mind sharing? I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now, and see so much of my old self in what you’re struggling with. I had some really, really helpful things happen to me that I want to share with you (but they are a bit private). if not, that’s OK! but..I don’t want one more person to go on struggling with this if they don’t have to.
yes of course! it’s actually in my about my page. zoearlen@gmail.com
“you see, both my friend and i require external validation to feel of use, to feel any shred of importance. we ask for responses, attention, encouragement in all we say and do. the explanation for our needy type of behavior boils down to one very short, very sad answer: we are too uncomfortable and unconfident in our selves to ever be content with just the happiness we provide for ourselves, by ourselves.”
story of my life. When I know how to overcome it, I’ll let you know.
It’s tough stuff, girl! It’s called the human condition. Probably 99.9% of people struggle with this. At the buddhist retreat, I learned that all you need is yourself. Scary but liberating too, no?
[...] the need for validation, and other very pressing concerns related to loving [...]
Ran across your blog today and it seems it was meant to be — I completely understand and am going through the same feelings. You know you should be enough, but not quite sure how to get there. I’m getting to the point where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I’m not sure how far away it is.
My life coach says to catch yourself when you say things bad about yourself, that just by recognizing the stories you are telling yourself you will start to heal. She’s right, it just takes awhile.
Good luck to you. Glad I found your blog.
glad you found me, too!
The dispair, the turmoil, the self-loathing, the seeking of acceptance. None of this is you. All this belongs to the ego. You are not your ego. Finding space between who you think you are ( your ego) and the real you is what truly sets you free. I learnt this from erkhart tolle’s new book ‘a new earth’ and it has shifted my perception of my own suffering in ways I never thought possible.
I’m just finishing A New Earth! A great recommendation!
wonderful! i will check it out. i read a book of his a while back called the power of now…like…three or four years ago for class heh.