so something post-worthy DID happen today
a friend said something to be earlier:
“i am only okay when i am being validated.”
let me repeat it:
I AM ONLY OKAY WHEN I AM BEING VALIDATED.
her words, her simple little statement, grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me hard. message received. (clearly. i mean, all capitals and bolded?).
that nine word sentence cleared up all the confusion fogging my sanity. or, rather, everything i’ve been thinking and feeling.
you see, both my friend and i require external validation to feel of use, to feel any shred of importance. we ask for responses, attention, encouragement in all we say and do. the explanation for our needy type of behavior boils down to one very short, very sad answer: we are too uncomfortable and unconfident in our selves to ever be content with just the happiness we provide for ourselves, by ourselves.
happiness comes almost purely from the gratification bestowed on us from other people. i am not pretty unless someone comments. i am not smart until someone tells me so. my opinion isn’t the right one unless verified by another. sound familiar to anyone?
in my friends words, i finally understood:
i am not living for myself.
i continually deny what lies in my heart of hearts, preferring to live logically instead of throwing messy emotions into the mix of life. vulnerability scares me that much.
i am too busy worrying about how i am perceived to just fucking be myself. i stutter and stumble over words, get shaky anxious if i think i sound weird or lame. then i go home and judge the shit out of myself for “fucking up” some how. i never used to be that person.
confidence in my self and in my appearance are controlled nearly one hundred percent by the reactions i absorb from other people. it’s like i flirt with the universe and everyone in it to feel a shred of self-likeability. it’s sad.
it’s all really sad. i don’t want to depend on other people to be happy. i don’t want to be pretty only when someone tells me so (i wouldn’t believe them anyway. telling someone they’re pretty when they don’t believe it is a waste of words). i don’t want to feel appreciated only when someone tells me i am. i don’t want to wait on happiness and a solid sense of self anymore.
i just don’t know how to change.
namaste
zoe
(p.s: i am wholly aware of how jugdemental i sound towards myself. i am experiencing the human experience, just like everyone else. i know i shouldn’t be so critical of myself. i know i should be kinder and gentler with my words and actions. but. i don’t know how to twist this into compassion. i just end up hating how much i whine and how dramatic i am. i hate how trapped i am by my own self. i hate how responsible i feel for all of this.)
