sometimes, you just need a fucking hike

yesterday i woke up to sunshine and a sour mood.

probably because i showed myself complete disrespect the night before and ended up spilling tears full of self-pity.

but really, who can sit inside on a day in january when the sunshine is out? i confess, i thought about it. then i decided i needed to move, to shake off the thick funk from the previous night.

…which is when my casual hour walk turned into a spontaneous, three hour solo hike.

i live in the bay area. more specifically, i live in marin county. a lot of stereotypes bind the place in which i live. i invite you to call marin every name you see fit, but you cannot deny the beauty it sits in. the bay wraps around us, though we escape the fog san francisco disappears under. yes, i live in the suburbs, but nature lives here, too. so much nature. i live a twenty minute walk from a rambling, wide state park.

coincidentally where i ended up yesterday after a twenty-minute walk.

usually i am not incredibly spontaneous (though i love it when i am). i am much too careful. too plan-oriented (thanks mom). for the past few years i’ve been working on relaxing, on going with the flow of life instead of attempting to regiment and categorize it all. so when i saw the start of an unknown trail yesterday, i hopped on it without a second thought.

i started my walk numb and frustrated. i ended my walk-turned-hike in jubilation.

on a sunday afternoon in the dead of winter, with sunshine reaching for me in between tree branches, i lost my sadness, if only for a second. i shared the path with mountain bikers, trail runners (i did a little of this yesterday too! nothing compares to running in nature.), and hikers. i shared genuine smiles and found i could not wait to say hello to people. in the middle of an unintentional hike, i rediscovered my intention: to be happy, healthy, and in love with life.

the rest of the day filled itself with a lot of laughter, a lot of smiling, a lot of cooking (my friend and i make cookies and moroccan stew. all vegan!). what started out as a potentially shitty day turned itself around.

i think i am discovering some of the keys to sustained sanity: regular movement and a connection to nature. both things help me to be incredibly balance and satisfied. (and i know walking in nature helps open a couple of chakras!) for a long time i tried to justify not moving regularly because of how much i used to exercise. movement is something i need to be careful not to overdo. yet, at the same time, i need to trust myself a little more, believe i can be a regular mover without becoming a compulsive exerciser again. i think i can do that. i think i can do a lot of things i try to pretend i can’t.

sometimes, you just need a fucking hike to realize it.

(the tilt of the world)

namaste

zoe

(p.s: thanks for bearing with me through my ups and downs. writing really helps me reflect and release so i’m not sorry for posting such downers. i appreciate the messages and the support. so, so much.)

self-love sunday

i am writing this out of pure sadness and honesty.

(creepy window i photographed on haight street a few weeks ago)

i’ll start here: i don’t know what to do anymore.

i don’t know who to talk to or what to say. i don’t know how to stop cycling. i don’t know how to live in positivity.

parts of me wonder if i don’t know how to do this because i keep telling myself i can’t. then another part of me doesn’t get how i can’t because i want to be different so badly. then i just feel more lost and more confused.

friends keep telling me to just drop it, just move on, just live my fucking life. i want to. i want to with every fiber of my being. i want to love and be loved. i want to treat myself well. i want to release all my anger and resentment. i want to bath in the light of life, not sink into its darkness. but…I DON’T KNOW HOW (i cannot, cannot, cannot express this more. if we were together, in person, i might be screaming this).

i keep asking myself, how did i end up here? how did the younger me, the one who said “i have too much self-respect to starve myself and throw up”, the one who laughed all the time and didn’t take herself so god damn seriously, the one who was fiery and opinionated and talkative — what happened to her? sure, i was an insecure kid. always insecure. but i never used to let it wind up hurting me like its been hurting me for almost two and a half years. (it’s not a lifetime but two and a half years is a lot of time. it’s time i won’t get back and it’s time i could have spent appreciating all the goodness in my life as opposed to all the bleakness).

i’ve forgotten how to feel. physically, emotionally. in yoga, during shavansana, instuctors will ask you to feel your connection to the earth. i can never feel the lower half of my body. my legs feel like nothing. when i want to cry, nothing comes out. if tears do run, they feel crocadile-like: forced. i am paralyzed.

i have so many dreams. so many wants. but some fucking sick monster has me by the ankles and won’t let me float away. i’m afraid that monster is me. and i’m not letting life into my life. just sorrow, fear, and crippling indecision.

i am, for lack of a better description, a lost little girl. i do not feel twenty-two (but, then again, how are twenty-two year olds supposed to feel?). i feel like a dependent, overly-sensitive five-year-old nuisance.

maybe that’s the problem in and of itself.

so. tell me. please, before i explode: how do YOU “let go”?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: just in case you were wondering, self-love was not had this week. just a lot of internal battles in this forever war. and a lot of losing. I AM REACHING MY PERSONAL BOILING POINT.)

today (with fat-talk)

our family gathered to celebrate my grandma’s upcoming ninety-first birthday today.

(source)

a story for another day, perhaps. because today, i want to talk about a conversation my parents had in the car today. a conversation i overheard.

my dad: e (my cousin, his niece) looks like she put on a few lbs (pounds).

my mom: well and that dress she was wearing was not flattering at all.

my dad: yeah.

my mom: so few people can wear those dresses. you have to have like, nothing on you to wear those dresses.

up until this conversation, i only looked at my cousin in the long-sleeve, floor length, oceanic blue dress and thought, “e looks really, really nice.” (because she did). true, she wears a body with more curves. true, her stomach is round (like mine). true, most people believe semi-form fitting dresses belong only to the “skinny people” (referring to them as the “skinny people” like they’re a class above, worthier of all things (we’re all equal)).

no one, however, owns the rights to insulting someone else’s body. if someone feels her most comfortable in a mini skirt and a tank top but wears it with unfamiliar curves (because how often do we see larger people in tighter clothing?) let her dress as she pleases. people are people are people. we’re not bodies. we’re what’s on the inside. we’re souls with words to speak and love to share. we’re not the size of our legs or arms or stomachs.

i am getting to a point where judgmental fat shaming comments are starting to really piss me off.

they’re kind of everywhere.
in movies.
on t.v.
in jokes.
in conversations between your parents in the front seat.

the thing is, making fun of or speaking poorly of fat people isn’t funny. it’s insulting. it’s demeaning. it’s condescending and wickedly inappropriate.

what message do we send little girls dreaming of growing up and wearing pretty dresses and tops and skirts? you have to be this tall and this wide to qualify for said clothing. what cultural messages do we perpetuate, no matter how much we realize how fucked up that message is?

i don’t like listening to people comment on other’s weights. i don’t like the assumptions, the low-brow insults, the mockery. why are overweight people a target (especially by other overweight people!)? why do we think it’s okay to totally tear down a person based on his or her outsides?

i think a lot of the time the jokes or the comments or the blatant disrespect aren’t spoken consciously. the statements come from our cultural influences about fat and what it means. we thoughtlessly reiterate the doctrine of bullshit we’ve been submerged in our entire lives. in our society, we’re conditioned to view and think about overweight people in particular, generally negative ways. but, when you really get down to it, there are worse things to be than fat. you could hurt people. you could manipulate people. you could be selfish or greedy or rude. so why all this focus on fat? why so much shaming and chastising and judging? when are we going to stop seeing people as bodies and start seeing them as souls?

the body image revolution starts when we get angry enough to speak up. when we stop body snarking other people along with ourselves. when we see each other as equals, not as “you can wear this dress” and “you can’t“.

namaste

zoe

reiki and feelings in general

today i spent an hour and a half on a massage table.

(source)
not a regular type of massage. a combination massage. a reiki/chakra/energy healing massage. i cannot quite put into words how wonderful the entire experience was. by the time i sat up words lost their importance. mainly because i felt it too difficult to speak clearly. a lightness circulated through me. an energy. loose legs carried me to the car and a calm heart carried me through the remainder of my early afternoon.

yet…

i am really sad right now. i tried staving it off all day but. sometimes simply accepting how you feel helps you move through it. for a week i’ve shown myself nothing close to love. just silent, harsh words meant to cut deep and actions stemming from the roots of self-loathing. anxiety keeps burning a hole in my chest. i am submerged in a listless self-doubt. this is like screaming underwater. no one can hear you and all sound comes out as bubbles anyway.

the woman who massaged me earlier told me there was a lot of energy inside of me. she told me that sometimes, it takes the body a little while to catch up with the energy of your spirit, that our physical selves don’t necessarily know how to handle all the energy we absorb. she told me i am on the right path. i believe her and am happy to know eventually i will find balance and openness but right now, it’s a little difficult to just fucking move.

i want to cry but i can’t.
i want to tell people i love them and share sweet words with them but i am too busy sinking and doling out curt responses i never meant to let fly.
i want to be open and honest but my voice is missing.
i want to enjoy my life, receive love and give love in equal amounts, but i am so stuck in indecision i am immobilized.

i know all of this is happening for a reason. i know that in my heart of hearts.

but this still fucking sucks.

namaste

zoe

(edit: i feel much better now. had a heart to heart with myself earlier. this up and down stuff is difficult to manage when you start letting yourself feel instead of the opposite)

so something post-worthy DID happen today

a friend said something to be earlier:

“i am only okay when i am being validated.”

let me repeat it:

I AM ONLY OKAY WHEN I AM BEING VALIDATED.

her words, her simple little statement, grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me hard. message received. (clearly. i mean, all capitals and bolded?).

that nine word sentence cleared up all the confusion fogging my sanity. or, rather, everything i’ve been thinking and feeling.

you see, both my friend and i require external validation to feel of use, to feel any shred of importance. we ask for responses, attention, encouragement in all we say and do. the explanation for our needy type of behavior boils down to one very short, very sad answer: we are too uncomfortable and unconfident in our selves to ever be content with just the happiness we provide for ourselves, by ourselves.

happiness comes almost purely from the gratification bestowed on us from other people. i am not pretty unless someone comments. i am not smart until someone tells me so. my opinion isn’t the right one unless verified by another. sound familiar to anyone?

in my friends words, i finally understood:

i am not living for myself.

i continually deny what lies in my heart of hearts, preferring to live logically instead of throwing messy emotions into the mix of life. vulnerability scares me that much.

i am too busy worrying about how i am perceived to just fucking be myself. i stutter and stumble over words, get shaky anxious if i think i sound weird or lame. then i go home and judge the shit out of myself for “fucking up” some how. i never used to be that person.

confidence in my self and in my appearance are controlled nearly one hundred percent by the reactions i absorb from other people. it’s like i flirt with the universe and everyone in it to feel a shred of self-likeability. it’s sad.

it’s all really sad. i don’t want to depend on other people to be happy. i don’t want to be pretty only when someone tells me so (i wouldn’t believe them anyway. telling someone they’re pretty when they don’t believe it is a waste of words). i don’t want to feel appreciated only when someone tells me i am. i don’t want to wait on happiness and a solid sense of self anymore.

i just don’t know how to change.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i am wholly aware of how jugdemental i sound towards myself. i am experiencing the human experience, just like everyone else. i know i shouldn’t be so critical of myself. i know i should be kinder and gentler with my words and actions. but. i don’t know how to twist this into compassion. i just end up hating how much i whine and how dramatic i am. i hate how trapped i am by my own self. i hate how responsible i feel for all of this.)

home

home again.

not too much to say outside of i love road trips.

my head is still in a wonky space but i’m working through all the clutter. life is good and i know this. it’s just a matter of consistently remembering it.

namaste

zoe

you all are so sweet

i wish i could hug you tighttighttight and tell you how much i appreciate you.

instead i can only offer you words on a screen from a place you don’t know. i hope it’ll suffice.

anyway, not much to say today other than i am tired. i ate too much last night and it affected the healing aspect of sleep (i did sleep like a rock — it just doesn’t feel like it). it’s raining again. but we need the rain so i am trying to appreciate it instead of resent it. i had a wonderful talk with my mom last night. i cried and cried and tried to explain everything i am thinking and feeling. it’s funny how much we discount our parents. they were our age once, too. mostly it felt great to unload a little bit, to have someone tell me it’s okay, that it will be okay.

for now i am heading off to san diego again for another little three day romp. this time i am bringing along one of my closest friends. we’re driving so we’ll have a lot of time to talk, listen to music, and enjoy the changing scenery (i have a feeling it’s not raining down south). i am hoping a little vacation from life and from myself will refill my wells of motivation and inspiration. fingers and toes crossed.

have a lovely sunday.

and thank you, again.

namaste

zoe

fuck.

i feel like shit.

i just cried the entire trip home from san francisco.

i am exhausted. drained. defeated.

i am so sick of being sad. i am so sick of myself.

no matter how i try to objectively view the emotions i meet along my daily paths, i wind up wholly engulfed in them. i mold an untrue environment, one the brush strokes of my imagination paint me out of. i am not welcomed into the homes and lives of people who love me. i lose all importance, all worth, all use and dissolve into the background. i grow uncomfortable by the energy i create and project.

people only pick up and mirror back to you what you put out.

every time i sink deep, deep, deep into the quicksand of self-hatred i go numb. i disregard all the happiness around me — all the smiles, the laughs. the only answer i give to “hey are you okay?” is the most transparent of smiles and a “yeah. i’m fine.” because how do you explain to people how unwanted you feel? how do you tell people who ask you what you’re thinking about when you’re staring expressionlessly at space that you’re thinking about how disgusting you feel? how annoying and awkward you believe you are? how thoroughly disconnected you feel?

my happiness belongs to others, dictated by shallow compliments and ego caressing affirmations. it doesn’t come from my own sense of self. i trap myself here, in this dark, dank space of endless negativity. i do this to me. no one tells me i am unwelcomed. no one tells me i am hideous. no one tells me i am annoying or stupid or unfunny or completely worthless. i am the one spoon feeding bullshit to myself. i am the one poisoning any and all chances with happiness i might have.

i want to scream. i want to crawl out of my skin. i feel so trapped. so ashamed for feeling empty when i have so much. i don’t know how to let go. i don’t know how to rid my body and mind and spirit of all the shit holding me down. i feel so heavy. uncreative. unmotivated. emotionally wasted and spiritually deadened. i don’t know what to do anymore.

can someone explain to me why negativity has so much more power than positivity?

namaste

zoe

my chakras are blocked

ever read up on chakras?

if not, i seriously recommend it. i do not really want to use this post to explain all the details of the chakras, either, as i am not a professional and i am just entering to knowledge about them. maybe one day i will go over each chakra in detail. but today i just want to talk about the seven chakras in me. more specifically, i want to talk about how blocked each one is.

for a long time i have felt numb. i find it difficult to cry, to express myself, to feel in touch with my body and with others. i do not tap into sexuality well, handle feelings appropriately, or feel centered for long periods of time. my root chakra is completely closed and, because energy travels from your root to your crown, it makes sense as to why i feel so emotionally and spiritually stagnant.

i feel unable to release emotional baggage blocking me from entering my spirituality and true place of emotional balance. i know yoga helps and i just scheduled an appointment for reiki massage therapy and charka balancing but i am at a loss as to how to further the process along. i do not know how to work on opening my blockages myself. i do know i desperately want to.

i guess i am asking for help today, for suggestions and helpful guidance. i am so very new to spirituality in general and a little less new to emotional balance. i am sending signals of help out into space right now and crossing my fingers and toes for a response. any help is appreciated, particularly if you have a deep knowledge about chakras and blockages and balance.

because i am so damn lost.

namaste

zoe

here is my heart’s song in some words

as the early days of 2012 pass by, the clearer my purpose becomes.

my dreams look less fuzzy. i feel less fuzzy. ideas tangle themselves up in thoughts, merge together to present me a sharp image of the future. i am dreaming big dreams right now. i am cultivating patience. i am watering my flower of persistence with it. i forget sometimes i am twenty-two and unbound by responsibility. i forget i am standing at the base of my life with no need to rush.

above all, i am learning i am a slow mover.

a friend explained his inner clockwork to me the other day, spoke of the pace of his personal metronome. i smiled in the slow way a stoner does and tried to understand. i made no sense of it, though i did pretend to. i listened instead of spoke because how do you relate to a conversation you never discussed with yourself? two days ago though, a potcookie and sunshine kind of day, i recognized my inner beat, saw i always knew it. i understood the workings of my inner clock.

i like to take my time. i weigh possibilities, consider both sides of every coin i flip (no, i’m not a libra, why do you ask ?). i am a slow mover, methodical in all i do. each decision breeds more indecision and i round into conclusions too slow for most people. but the way i tick works for me. what’s the point in subscribing to someone else’s laws?

i know slow, relaxing movement helps me reflect and sink into the non-judgemental person i am (why do you think i live for yoga and hiking and dancing and long walks?). when i allow myself to no breeze through things, i find i try more willingly and laugh at all the things i trip over (cooking isn’t a science, folks). when i slow down i appreciate life because i see the little things. i suddenly have the time to stop and spend five minutes photographing the sunset. i find i smile a lot more, breathe deeply, easily. i am less irritable, less critical of myself and friends and family. and i am, over all, more peaceful and more creative. the more creative i am, the more i release. the more i release, the stronger in self and happier in soul i become.

when i rush or force i end up sick. i end up sleepy, over hungry, jittery. self-care shuts off and i end up feeling foggy from childish choices, one dictated under the crown of poor judgement. i lose gratitude, acceptance, love, and openness. in their place grows lack, self-indulgence, judgement and impatience. i lose the time to sit, wonder at my abundance, and breathe.

i learned a long time ago my life’s purpose involves helping other people. my life’s constant lesson is to continue in a solid practice of self-care in order to help people. when my life is calm, and i am steady and well, i can truly involve myself. i can extend to others a genuine love and an authentic heart. through self-love i can offer love. i can accept love.

to give love, however, one must be love first. 2012 will be the year i start my spiritual quest to dig up the love i buried long ago. 2012 will be the year i learn how to love myself — truly. 2012 will be the year of self-transformation — on the inside. 2012 will be the year i slow down and discover myself completely. because i want so desperately to bring light and love into lives who know only darkness and cold. i just need to thread myself together a little tighter first.

i believe in the presence of souls. i believe in mine as much as i believe in yours. intuition breathes truths from your soul, your highest self. real knowledge hides itself in there. real love, real light, real happiness. it’s up to us to tap into that wealth and spread it.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: and that, my friends, felt like the most authentic thing i’ve ever written on my little space in the blog world.)