a new year
by zoe
i am so ready to wrap 2011 up in a box and shelve it.
(source)
2011, in summation, has a one word description: struggle.
in 2011 i:
got cheated on
gained back all the weight i lost plus more
developed a binge eating problem
developed bulimia in response to said bingeing problem
self-harmed
fell into a deep depression
got sick more than i did in the past two years
in 2011 i:
found myself again
fell in love with life again
crawled out of the darkness
started seeing a therapist
started feeling and processing my emotions
started eating meat again (!)
broke out of my restrictive eating habits
broke out of my exercise compulsion
went deeper into my yoga practice
learned how to balance again (literally and figuratively)
made beautiful, solid friendships
got out of my comfort zone (hello, burning man!)
found my soul on the dance floor
i never laughed and cried so much in one year. i never felt more inspired and more stuck. i never felt more confident and more uncomfortable. talk about a crazy emotional, crazy hectic — just crazy period — year.
though i’m definitely not one to make new years resolutions, i somehow decided to make one last year. looking at it makes me smile. in only 12 short months so much has changed…
(last year’s list)
GO DEEPER INTO MY YOGA PRACTICE (already happening!)
START AND COMPLETE MY FIRST 200 HOURS OF YOGA SCHOOL
GO TO CULINARY SCHOOL
GET MY TATTOO (making the appointment tomorrow, actually!)
RUN A HALF MARATHON
RUN A MARATHON
COOK AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
FINISH THE NOVEL I STARTED THIS PAST SEMESTER
CUT WHITE SUGAR OUT OF MY DIET COMPLETELy (seriously you guys, this shit just does not jive with me and i kind of need to accept it.)
ATTEND COUNSELING UNTIL I FEEL STRONG ENOUGH TO STAND ON MY OWN
LOVE MYSELF. COMPLETELY.
in review, how did i expect to accomplish any of that in one year! what a ridiculous set up for ultimate failure! i went deeper in my yoga practice and totally garnered a bottomless self-love. i cooked, but not as much as i hoped. about the only other thing i accomplished on that list was seeing a counselor. still happening! but me? running a marathon and a half marathon? whaaaaat a flippin’ joke!
this year, i have much more simple goals…
continue on my path of wellness
continue on my journey of self-love
continue to deepen my yoga practice
continue with therapy
go back to school for naturopathic medicine
read a little more
write a little more
step back from the screen a lot more
play around with and learn my camera more
say ‘yes‘ to everything i can manage, especially those things that scare me the most
laugh more
love more
play more
cook more
reach a natural, healthy weight
in the past few years i feel like i started every year by saying “this year is going to be a good year.” in my heart of hearts though, i know i never really believed it. i lived with too much foreboding, too much sadness, too much hatred to ever really believe it.
this year though…
this year is going to be the year i’ve been waiting for. i can feel it. for real this time.
do you make new years resolutions? did you accomplish any this year? what are yours for this coming year, if you make them?
namaste
zoe
it breaks my heart that you’ve struggled so much because you are such a beautiful person. 2012 will be your year, Zoe.
2011 was a year of great struggle for me too but I’m feeling hopeful about 2012. And I’m a fan of simple goals.
“say ‘yes‘ to everything i can manage, especially those things that scare me the most”
This especially rings true for me. I’m adding that one to my list.
Also, you are beautiful at any weight, and a number on the scale will never be able to tell you what you’re worth or how much people love you. I’m sure your body will soon reach whatever weight is natural and healthy for you, but please remember that it’s just a number and you’re beautiful the way you are.
I feel good about 2012 too. It’s a whole year of opportunities.
Sounds like its been a year of extremes from one end of the spectrum to the other. Hopefully 2012 will bring less crazy swings from from one extreme to the other.
Oh hun, I know this year was hard for you. It seemed sucky for everyone I’ve talked to, actually!
I definitely laughed on your list from last year – love myself completely – we do that until the day we die! Your list sounds like someone I know…
I love this year’s list, especially the words “continue” and “a little more”, etc, because you already ARE doing these things and the best thing is to just keep trying!
We are going to make 2012 our year. Damn right we wil!