i am sorrowful today.
filled up with sadness. bound by melancholy. yet, surrounded by beauty.
december and all its winter accessories have yet to make an appearance. cooler temperatures don’t match the blue of the sky outside my window. growing underneath that blue bannered heaven are trees. so much green in the dead of winter. no rain. no snow. just short days filled with sunshine and cold, crisp, clear night skies.
i just spent an hour on my yoga mat, unwinding and reinvigorating. heart openers left me emotionally shaky. you see, right now, despite the beautiful weather, despite the love i am surrounded by, despite the support holding me up, despite all the abundance in my life, i still find myself living in fear. in sadness, anger, frustration. i am living in negativity, resentment, and agitation. instead of living in kindness, compassion, peace, patience, gratitude, humility, and openness, i am just mad, turbulent, humiliated, and scared. instead of releasing, i am holding on.
the heaviness of old and current issues alike sit on my chest daily. they immobilize me, press the light and life out of my soul. i am tired of struggling, of fighting. a change is necessary yet i don’t even know where to begin. i don’t know how to release all this heaviness. i don’t know how to just be and stop thinking and feeling too much. i don’t know how to be soft with myself, either. the gentleness of my nature only extends to others. when i turn it inward, it disintegrates within days.
emotional waves swell and crash the second i wake up. it’s life, i know, but i seem to react in extremes. yesterday, i cried through out my entire hour long doctor’s appointment (yes, i was really embarrassed). then, during the afternoon i felt dreamy, talkative, and happy. then it was right back to tears and discomfort in the evening. on monday my therapist urged me again to consider seeing a psychiatrist, mainly because she suspects i might have some low-grade bi-polar disorder. my doctor urged me in the same direction by the end of my appointment yesterday, too.
i just want to live. i don’t want to be utterly devastated by sadness or uncomfortably buzzed and jittery by happiness anymore. i want to love life throughly. i want to love myself, my environment, and everyone and everything. i just don’t know how or where to begin.
do you have any advice you can offer me? what helps you? (last night my brother told me he does into his room and listens to music when he feels funky. love that idea).
i’m starting to realize just how much support i need right now. i continually underestimate how many resources i need to rely on, if only to help keep me stable until i feel strong enough to be more on my own. also, i’m starting to see that seeking help is okay. in fact, it’s probably for the best.
i know one thing that helps though. music. music always helps. (and i just got a killer pair of big, noise canceling headphones for hanukkah.)
(p.s: sorry for the downer of a post.
p.p.s: i apologized to the guy i treated so rudely the other night. all is well.
p.p.p.s: i. love. american. horror. story.
edit: p.p.p.p.s: i couldn’t help myself. i had to do this: zoe, with gratitude.)