sending 2011 off with a bang tonight.
(source)
heading out to a friend’s in the sunset district of san francisco for a house party which, i am told, will be of epic proportions. kind of excited. kind of really excited. i’ll be with two of my best friends, a ton of strangers, and one super attractive guy who i happen to know thinks i’m cute
so i decided to straighten my hair for this. it’s a funny process.
one.
two.
three.
and yes, i do straighten my hair in a sports bra. it gets really hot. especially when you’re basically submerged in heat for like…an hour and a half.
ANYWAY.
thank you all for the support, love, and kindness you showed me this year. you helped keep my head up when i couldn’t, injected positivity into my world when it was only grey, and made me laugh when all i wanted to do was cry. i am forever grateful for your beautiful, uplifting, generous words. wishing you all the best during your last day of 2011! may your new year bring you all the peace you seek, all the happiness you deserve, and all the love you need.
i am so ready to wrap 2011 up in a box and shelve it.
(source)
2011, in summation, has a one word description: struggle.
in 2011 i:
got cheated on
gained back all the weight i lost plus more
developed a binge eating problem
developed bulimia in response to said bingeing problem
self-harmed
fell into a deep depression
got sick more than i did in the past two years
in 2011 i:
found myself again
fell in love with life again
crawled out of the darkness
started seeing a therapist
started feeling and processing my emotions
started eating meat again (!)
broke out of my restrictive eating habits
broke out of my exercise compulsion
went deeper into my yoga practice
learned how to balance again (literally and figuratively)
made beautiful, solid friendships
got out of my comfort zone (hello, burning man!)
found my soul on the dance floor
i never laughed and cried so much in one year. i never felt more inspired and more stuck. i never felt more confident and more uncomfortable. talk about a crazy emotional, crazy hectic — just crazy period — year.
though i’m definitely not one to make new years resolutions, i somehow decided to make one last year. looking at it makes me smile. in only 12 short months so much has changed…
(last year’s list) GO DEEPER INTO MY YOGA PRACTICE (already happening!)
START AND COMPLETE MY FIRST 200 HOURS OF YOGA SCHOOL
GO TO CULINARY SCHOOL
GET MY TATTOO (making the appointment tomorrow, actually!)
RUN A HALF MARATHON
RUN A MARATHON
COOK AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
FINISH THE NOVEL I STARTED THIS PAST SEMESTER
CUT WHITE SUGAR OUT OF MY DIET COMPLETELy (seriously you guys, this shit just does not jive with me and i kind of need to accept it.)
ATTEND COUNSELING UNTIL I FEEL STRONG ENOUGH TO STAND ON MY OWN
LOVE MYSELF. COMPLETELY.
in review, how did i expect to accomplish any of that in one year! what a ridiculous set up for ultimate failure! i went deeper in my yoga practice and totally garnered a bottomless self-love. i cooked, but not as much as i hoped. about the only other thing i accomplished on that list was seeing a counselor. still happening! but me? running a marathon and a half marathon? whaaaaat a flippin’ joke!
this year, i have much more simple goals…
continue on my path of wellness
continue on my journey of self-love
continue to deepen my yoga practice
continue with therapy
go back to school for naturopathic medicine
read a little more
write a little more
step back from the screen a lot more
play around with and learn my camera more say ‘yes‘ to everything i can manage, especially those things that scare me the most laugh more
love more
play more
cook more reach a natural, healthy weight
in the past few years i feel like i started every year by saying “this year is going to be a good year.” in my heart of hearts though, i know i never really believed it. i lived with too much foreboding, too much sadness, too much hatred to ever really believe it.
this year though…
this year is going to be the year i’ve been waiting for. i can feel it. for real this time.
do you make new years resolutions? did you accomplish any this year? what are yours for this coming year, if you make them?
one of my dad’s older sisters. she lives about forty-five minutes away but, for one reason or another, life only allows us to visit on major holidays like thanksgiving, christmas, and my yia-yia’s (grandmother in greek) birthday. in the past, conversation included only a few words, possibly just a hello, how are you, and the eventual goodbye. i never felt close to her as i did to other aunts. however, quite luckily, in the past few years our relationship worked its way out of its plateau. conversation flows quickly, wish shared smiles. we share so much more in common than i ever thought.
through the years, despite the status of our relationship, my aunt always boxed me up a little gift for the holidays. generally, i open up the small packages to discover a delicate, beautiful piece of vintage jewelry. she knows my tastes well, as hers mirror mine almost to a t.
i love funky, old pieces. rings, necklaces, earrings, and bracelets of the vintage variety always catch my eye. when my mom’s mom died, i got the chance to rifle through her life of jewelry. talk about special treasures! like my grandma, i am slowly accumulating a bright, unique collection of jewelry, a big chunk of it coming from my aunt. this christmas, my aunt did not disappoint.
she bought me a bracelet with a story.
and a name: the mother-in-law bracelet.
in india, the birthplace of my new bracelet, men are freely allowed to beat their wives. an exception to the rule exists, however, as exceptions usually do. if, on the day of marriage, the bride’s mother-in-law presents the bride with the mother-in-law bracelet, the mother-in-law wordlessly cloaks her new daughter-in-law in protection. with the mother-in-law bracelet, a wife can forever be shielded from the wrath of her husband. she will forever be protected.
my aunt doesn’t know of my struggles. we’re not close enough for me to open up about my issues. but she does know i love stories. she knows i love jewelry like this. she knows of my fascination with india. and she loves me enough to offer me the gift of protection.
oh, christmas.
the holidays stress a lot of people out. for some reason, i always manage to avoid all the stress! my gifts end up homemade. the fear of “over indulging” in holiday food isn’t a fear at all. the holidays generally make me happy, actually. i love the warmth, the love, the togetherness. i especially love my family.
it was a loud christmas. 25 or so people packed into my childhood home. lots of food, lots of laughter, lots of wine. i think this was probably the best christmas to date, actually.
merry christmas and happy holidays! i hope it was a lovely one
yesterday, something funny happened.
a coworker relayed to me a phone number given to him by a customer…
…for me.
and now i have a date for next week with a customer who apparently liked me enough to leave behind his number for me.
i think a lot of the time we forget how captivating we are. i think we doubt our allure (inner and outer). i think we feel more comfortable believing the negative things we’ve told ourselves for years (like “i’m too fat for anyone” or “i’m so boring and unimportant”). what a waste! you’re brighter than you let yourself shine. other people notice during the moments you open up. you never know who might be watching or listening.
on a more personal level, i think gaining weight has been the best god damned thing that has happened to me this year. it sounds crazy, but losing my societally acceptable “thin” body lead me to a deep sense of self. it allowed me to break free from the cultural myths and ideas keeping me trapped inside a life of misery. with weight came a new set of truths, ones that allowed me to form a new foundation of worth, one that had nothing to do with what i looked like. through loss of body confidence, i gained self confidence. i started to see myself through the eyes of other people, to listen, really listen, to things they told me about me. better yet, i started to believe them. gaining weight let me become me again.
i think that, because i am finally me again, because i am finally letting myself shine bright because i feel bright, people are noticing. i say that not to sound narsissictic, rather just to point out that outsides really don’t fucking matter. it truly is whats on the inside that counts for the most. genuine people will recognize that and honor you for it.
so please, my loves, get out there. be your beautiful selves. with a little positivity, i think you’ll attract all the positive energy you’ve been looking for.
namaste
zoe
(p.s: today was my last day at work! i am officially, intentionally, unemployed. bittersweet. incredibly bittersweet.)
i am sorrowful today.
filled up with sadness. bound by melancholy. yet, surrounded by beauty.
december and all its winter accessories have yet to make an appearance. cooler temperatures don’t match the blue of the sky outside my window. growing underneath that blue bannered heaven are trees. so much green in the dead of winter. no rain. no snow. just short days filled with sunshine and cold, crisp, clear night skies.
i just spent an hour on my yoga mat, unwinding and reinvigorating. heart openers left me emotionally shaky. you see, right now, despite the beautiful weather, despite the love i am surrounded by, despite the support holding me up, despite all the abundance in my life, i still find myself living in fear. in sadness, anger, frustration. i am living in negativity, resentment, and agitation. instead of living in kindness, compassion, peace, patience, gratitude, humility, and openness, i am just mad, turbulent, humiliated, and scared. instead of releasing, i am holding on.
the heaviness of old and current issues alike sit on my chest daily. they immobilize me, press the light and life out of my soul. i am tired of struggling, of fighting. a change is necessary yet i don’t even know where to begin. i don’t know how to release all this heaviness. i don’t know how to just be and stop thinking and feeling too much. i don’t know how to be soft with myself, either. the gentleness of my nature only extends to others. when i turn it inward, it disintegrates within days.
emotional waves swell and crash the second i wake up. it’s life, i know, but i seem to react in extremes. yesterday, i cried through out my entire hour long doctor’s appointment (yes, i was really embarrassed). then, during the afternoon i felt dreamy, talkative, and happy. then it was right back to tears and discomfort in the evening. on monday my therapist urged me again to consider seeing a psychiatrist, mainly because she suspects i might have some low-grade bi-polar disorder. my doctor urged me in the same direction by the end of my appointment yesterday, too.
i just want to live. i don’t want to be utterly devastated by sadness or uncomfortably buzzed and jittery by happiness anymore. i want to love life throughly. i want to love myself, my environment, and everyone and everything. i just don’t know how or where to begin.
do you have any advice you can offer me? what helps you? (last night my brother told me he does into his room and listens to music when he feels funky. love that idea).
i’m starting to realize just how much support i need right now. i continually underestimate how many resources i need to rely on, if only to help keep me stable until i feel strong enough to be more on my own. also, i’m starting to see that seeking help is okay. in fact, it’s probably for the best.
i know one thing that helps though. music. music always helps. (and i just got a killer pair of big, noise canceling headphones for hanukkah.)
namaste
zoe
(p.s: sorry for the downer of a post.
p.p.s: i apologized to the guy i treated so rudely the other night. all is well.
p.p.p.s: i. love. american. horror. story.
edit: p.p.p.p.s: i couldn’t help myself. i had to do this: zoe, with gratitude.)
)
