music mondays + a little awareness
i’m not feeling very creative. just. kind of sleepy and desperate.
because, well. i did it. i purged for the first time in over a month. after the uncomfortable visit, i cried. for two hours. i felt awful. still not feeling wonderful. slip ups inevitably occur, i know. i understand life continues afterward, too. i think a shopping-trip on saturday trigged all of these feelings. no, it definitely did.
the more i test my limits, boundaries, and patience, the more i realize how awful i am at implementing self-soothing techniques. sometimes i manage. sometimes i take a walk, breathe deeply, call a friend, or do yoga. sometimes i squeak by without snagging myself on my worries.
other times though, when i convince myself i simply cannot sit with the emotion slowly chewing down sanity, i turn to other, less healthy coping mechanisms. like eating. we all know i eat. something else i do?
i pick at my fingers. till the tugs produce blood. till it hurts to touch anything. sometimes till infection. the funniest thing? i just realized this was a coping mechanism today. i tore apart my fingers last night and haven’t really stopped since waking. if you couldn’t tell, i’m trying really hard to direct my focus to thoughts outside of bingeing. i’m trying to find new ways to help me cope. new, healthy, unpainful ways. because i can’t do this anymore, just like i can’t eat myself to tears anymore.
how do you cope? what helps you?
and for the music portion of the day…
i woke up singing this. i don’t know why i love this song but i seriously do.
meet virginia by train