music mondays + a little awareness
by zoe
it’s monday.
i’m not feeling very creative. just. kind of sleepy and desperate.
because, well. i did it. i purged for the first time in over a month. after the uncomfortable visit, i cried. for two hours. i felt awful. still not feeling wonderful. slip ups inevitably occur, i know. i understand life continues afterward, too. i think a shopping-trip on saturday trigged all of these feelings. no, it definitely did.
the more i test my limits, boundaries, and patience, the more i realize how awful i am at implementing self-soothing techniques. sometimes i manage. sometimes i take a walk, breathe deeply, call a friend, or do yoga. sometimes i squeak by without snagging myself on my worries.
other times though, when i convince myself i simply cannot sit with the emotion slowly chewing down sanity, i turn to other, less healthy coping mechanisms. like eating. we all know i eat. something else i do?
i pick at my fingers. till the tugs produce blood. till it hurts to touch anything. sometimes till infection. the funniest thing? i just realized this was a coping mechanism today. i tore apart my fingers last night and haven’t really stopped since waking. if you couldn’t tell, i’m trying really hard to direct my focus to thoughts outside of bingeing. i’m trying to find new ways to help me cope. new, healthy, unpainful ways. because i can’t do this anymore, just like i can’t eat myself to tears anymore.
how do you cope? what helps you?
and for the music portion of the day…
i woke up singing this. i don’t know why i love this song but i seriously do.
meet virginia by train
namaste
zoe
Oh, Zoe, I’m so sorry. That really, really sucks. Shopping can definitely be a trigger. Maybe you can call someone before you have the impulse to purge? Are your roommates in the house when you do it – can you go out and talk to them before you go to the bathroom?
I do the picking thing as a coping mechanism, too, except on my face. It’s gotten really bad recently like it has for you and your hands, basically I’m going from one unhealthy coping mechanisms to another.
It’s hard, so hard. But we are in this together.
My sister picks at her fingers like that, and she finds that wearing gloves really helps. It sounds weird, but it also sort of signals to other people that she’s feeling overwhelmed, like wearing a worry hat. I’m sorry you backslid a bit, but you know that’s human, and ok, and it doesn’t invalidate any of the progress you’ve made.
I love this song btw, my friends and I used to sing along to it in the car.
oh gosh your fingers look so painful
Feel better Zoe…I know you can beat this.
I pick at my cuticles too. They look like such a mess right now and it’s so painful when stuff like lemon juice or nail polish remover gets into them. I also scratch/pick my scalp and I noticed that when I’m really stressed I do it a lot. I’m trying to stop that habit because my hair is really starting to thin out so I guess I moved to picking at my cuticles. I think I might start carrying around a stress ball or something around with me if it starts becoming a bigger problem.
I’m sorry Zoe. You’re taking steps in the right direction by acknowledging what happened. When I feel like things are getting out of control, I take deep breaths, drink water and stretch. I used to do what you did but I don’t anymore. I just couldn’t take it so now I’m just extra conscious of what I do to deal, soon this will be something of the past!
I love that song btw. All day yesterday the Coldplay song Paradise was going through my head, which I loved because it’s so calming. feel better Zoe!
I do that too, for sure, especially when I’m trying to avoid eating as a coping mechanism. I try to keep my nails painted because I worry about getting paint chips stuck in my teeth (which is ridiculous seeing as maybe I should be more worried about my skin or infection, but it kind of helps).
Hope you feel better!
ugh, it happens ESPECIALLY when i am trying to avoid eating as a coping mechanism. hence, my cuticles are shredded and handling lemons hurts.