sometimes
by zoe
sometimes loneliness gets the better of me.
i start to think too much.
sometimes i think, “i wonder what it would be like to be beautiful.”
beautiful by our societal standards.
effortlessly beautiful.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like to be taller. sometimes i resent the 5′ 1″ frame i call home. i stand so far below everyone and, sometimes, it grates on me. my height makes me feel stout. i am petite — in height only. short people cannot be big, right? sometimes i look in the mirror and wonder why the fuck i am so curvy and where it all came from. sometimes i can’t help wondering where my height went.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like to be have smaller legs. i never used to think about legs outside of how strong and muscular mine were. then i grew up and got introduced to society and boys and girls and opinions. sometimes, they feel bulky and thick. sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have thighs that don’t touch. the image can be a thrilling fantasy. that makes me feel pathetic.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like to know nothing of stomach rolls. sometimes i wonder what it would be like to not understand the concept of “muffin tops” or cellulite. sometimes i wonder what type of confidence a flat stomach brings because i am so, so far from it.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like to be able to wear clothes confidently. sometimes i wonder what it would be like to not hide in baggy sweaters and t-shirts. sometimes i wonder what it would be like to feel comfortable in girly clothes. because i’m not.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have a smaller nose.
straight hair.
a smaller butt.
smaller boobs (much, much smaller).
longer legs.
smaller arms.
smaller fingers.
sometimes, i’m really insecure. really.
and sometimes, i really hate my thoughts. really.
namaste
zoe
a skinny body will never make you happy – you’ve got to know that by now
you are beautiful as you are.
oh, i know. it’s the those sometimes-thought that catch me off guard, you know?
Sometimes, I’m right there with you. Really.
Sending a hug in case you need it.
I hear this. Sometimes I feel like if I just had a flat stomach and if my thighs didn’t touch, I would be eternally happy. But I know (or at least I try to convince myself) that’s ridiculous. Being skinny doesn’t make someone happy, money does! Wait, no that’s not right either…
I guess I’m still working out what makes me happy. I hope you find it.