changing the vocabulary
i find myself using different words.
the ones i avoided because i felt funny saying them.
words like sexy. and woman.
something about age twenty-two knocked some sense into me, i guess. i feel adult. mature. (though i don’t doubt all the changes my life will continue to bring cause, you know, that’s what life does). i feel myself slipping out of old habits and old thoughts created in my younger years. i feel myself evolving. it’s quite a trip.
i woke up this morning expecting to feel a little rejected. you see, the guy (i still hesitate to use the word “man” mainly because the guys i end up liking feel more like boys than men) i kind of sort of possibly maybe like ended up spending a lot more time dancing with and talking to other girls. weak.
however, recently a friend and i shared a discussion about this very topic. the woman (actually the one i started the new blog with!), in all her wisdom, unloaded this chunk of text to me:
“i think it’s like. it means so much more to someone when someone thinks you’re pretty or “worth” dating. so we think someone not wanting to date you means that you suck. but if you’re the person you aim to please, that all doesn’t matter.”
well, i guess i unintentionally put the theory to the test yesterday. i did get dolled up for myself but hell yeah, i also got dolled up to look good for someone else. when it didn’t work, i ended up all butt-hurt and feeling all kinds of ugly and worthless. suddenly my cute new top didn’t matter and neither did my hair or that fact that i decided to put make-up on again. all that mattered was i wasn’t the one being talked to, danced with, or looked at. i spent the latter half of the night all wallow-ey and fell asleep half-drunk and wholly disappointed.
the funny thing is…
i someone woke up this morning shrugging my shoulders and going “eh, fuck it.” i took a single look into the mirror this morning and the only word i found in my head was “sexy” (okay, this never happens). the word came out despite the rejection. the word came out despite feeling so uncomfortable the night before. what i am getting at, i think, is who cares if someone doesn’t see the wonderful, beautiful, inspiring person you are? what matters is if you see the wonderful, beautiful, and inspiring person you are. men and women come and go. how many do you meet a day? how many do you meet a week? a month? a year? all those men and women hold the potential to be the one person you need and want in your life. the rest just act as stepping stones and loaded lessons in life and continued self-love.
so change your vocabularly. tell yourself you are sexy or hot or gorgeous or any number of words you avoid using to describe yourself. eventually, i think you’ll find yourself not only saying them, but seeing and believing them, too.