not anxious anymore.
just…kind of numb.
i am caught in a cycle. it feels routine.
i am equal parts ambivalent and raging.
i am so caught up in black and white i can either not have something or only have it all. there is no middle ground in my life. most days i wake up feeling defeated. unmotivated. huge. i wake up knowing nighttime will bring a binge with its darkness. i know because i think thoughts like “well, i’m already fat. what’s the fucking point?” i binge because i am depressed about my body. then i binge because i am depressed i binged the day before. then i binge because i am depressed i binged the day before and the day before that.
see the cycle?
i day dream about spending hours at the gym. i day dream about what i might look like after losing weight. i day dream about food. i lose track of conversations because my mind wanders. i ask “what?” one too many times. i am thinking, always, of how i look.
as much as i keep trying to convince myself i am healing, progressing, and, striding forward, deep down i feel like a liar. i am trying in vain to talk myself into something that isn’t really true. i want it to be true. but you can’t want something into reality.
so instead of feeling, i tune out. this feels like not giving a shit. this feel like caring so much you don’t know what to do. and this always feels overwhelming. i don’t even think i know how to tune in any more.