cycling
by zoe
not anxious anymore.
just…kind of numb.
(source)
i am caught in a cycle. it feels routine.
i am equal parts ambivalent and raging.
i am so caught up in black and white i can either not have something or only have it all. there is no middle ground in my life. most days i wake up feeling defeated. unmotivated. huge. i wake up knowing nighttime will bring a binge with its darkness. i know because i think thoughts like “well, i’m already fat. what’s the fucking point?” i binge because i am depressed about my body. then i binge because i am depressed i binged the day before. then i binge because i am depressed i binged the day before and the day before that.
see the cycle?
i day dream about spending hours at the gym. i day dream about what i might look like after losing weight. i day dream about food. i lose track of conversations because my mind wanders. i ask “what?” one too many times. i am thinking, always, of how i look.
as much as i keep trying to convince myself i am healing, progressing, and, striding forward, deep down i feel like a liar. i am trying in vain to talk myself into something that isn’t really true. i want it to be true. but you can’t want something into reality.
so instead of feeling, i tune out. this feels like not giving a shit. this feel like caring so much you don’t know what to do. and this always feels overwhelming. i don’t even think i know how to tune in any more.
namaste
zoe
I’m sorry to say I know what you mean. :/ I hope something gets you back to feeling awesome. you deserve it and it will happen. have hope! you can do it.
i’m sorry you know what i mean
thanks for the encouragement 
Lately I’ve been feeling a little lost and alone myself. I’m surrounded by friends. I can call one up any time and have a hangout, but that’s not want I need to be happy. I feel like I’m missing something and I always attribute it to finding the right girl. Every girl that I remotely have an attraction to are taken. Often times by utter douchebags or losers that aren’t better than me. Then there’s the flip side. Girls that pursue me but I have no attraction towards them. I don’t want girls that are insecure about themselves, nor do I want girls who have histories of dating douche bags and losers.These thoughts keep flowing in my head and I just feel so empty and alone inside sometimes. It just eats me up and I lose all moltivation to do anything. I can’t figure out why a guy like me still hasn’t managed to hook up with a nice sweet girl yet. Girls that are already in relationships or have an interest in me are always shocked to find out that I’ve never had a girlfriend, or even my first kiss at this age. Sometimes I feel like being on the verge of settling for less and just settle for less… I’m rambling now but maybe you enjoy reading this. Anyways….Zoe, I hope you find what it is you’re looking for because now that I’m 25. I feel like I’m running out of time for finding someone that completes me. I bet it’s even worst for a girl :l
hmm…well, i’m sorry you are in such a place of sadness. maybe realize every girl dates douchebags (uh, seriously. we do.) and realize probably every girl will have her insecurities, just as every person has her insecurities. try settling with being alone and seeing that you are enough as is and you don’t actually need someone else to “complete you”. self-love is, to me anyway, necessary to have if you want to be in a relationship with another person. but i’m a little confused. i’m not looking for someone to complete me. i’m looking to complete myself with…just myself. i’m not looking for someone else’s love, just solidifying my own.
its weird…last night i was all depressed and today everything is calm again. C’est la vie. Zoe, I believe that you are looking for love from other people in order to justify your own self worth. You can never complete yourself by being alone. To do that you start by loving yourself, then people can love you. I don’t get you Zoe. You look like a really attractive looking girl, and yet you have these insecurities about yourself. If you think you’re overweight, why don’t you just workout and change yourself? I bet you’d be pretty hot if you became fit.
oh darling, you’ve caught me on quite a day.
i am not looking for love from other people. i feel immense love from other people. i know i am loved thoroughly by friends and family. and that love? i do not use it to justify my own self-worth. i do not seek out other’s affection and attention to boost my self-worth. so, forgive me, because i am curious as to how you reached such a conclusion.
and i respectfully disagree — i completely believe you can complete yourself with just yourself. i believe you can be utterly in love and content with just yourself. it is funny to read ‘you must start by loving yourself’ because that is what i have been trying to do. my entire goal for this blog is to document my journey to self-love. i know people already love me. yet, to love them back fully, wholly, completely — i must first love myself. one cannot accept love, at least entirely, without first loving herself.
people will tell you i am an attractive girl. i am working on believe it. yet, i am still human. in being human, we all stumble over insecurities. just because someone looks beautiful never means someone is care-free. assumptions rarely lead to any sort of truths.
i want to say that, if you really know me, my goal is not to be fit. it is not to be hot. it is not to look any one way from any one person. my goal is happiness. harmony. balance. health of mind, body, and soul. my goal is to feel comfortable in my own skin and not place all my value into my appearance. i wish “working out” solved all the issues. but the mind does not follow the body. the body follows the mind. e.g: changing one’s insides changes one’s outsides. and right now, i am working on changing my insides so my outsides can reflect how i feel on the inside. this isn’t about my appearance — this is about accepting who i am as a whole person, not just as a body.
so, thanks for the advice but. working your way into the head of an eating disordered person can be a bit of a maze: it’s confusing, difficult to explain, and incredibly hard to understand if you too do not possess the same mind.
You’re right, the mind of an eating disordered person really would be hard to understand. It seems more of an ingrained psychological issue than it is about making choices. So, it’s not just about your personal appearance but more about your self worth in your own eyes eh. You feel inadequate or not up to par with what you see as your ideal self. Like I’ve said before…I believe you need to rediscover who you really are as a person. You weren’t born insecure, you somehow developed these emotions. Often times they stick due to the constant reminders or cues that is always present in your living environment (your city, friends, family). You need to move away for a few years and rediscover the happier you before you became messed up(no offence). No need for some elaborate response Zoe, I think you know what you must do better than anyone, but you’re just holding back because it’s the easier route. Attaining anything good of real value in life is never easy.
one thing that has helped me so much is to do things in tiny increments. set a timer for yourself for 5 minutes and just breathe in those 5 minutes, erasing away any other thoughts. also, i write the word “NOW” on my wrist to get myself into the MOMENT, into the PRESENT, which i think is SO hard to do. girl, you are strong and i believe in you so much. it’s hard to see your own progress but when youre looking back you will see it!!
Ugh I feel the same way right now, Zoe, I understand you. It really sucks-but by writing this you ARE being active in your recovery! Thinking of you.
I can relate to just about every single word of this. Please know you are not alone.
“i am equal parts ambivalent and raging.” —exactly.
Scarlett,
Are you giving people the password?
I used to love your blog but now it’s private