this is weird but…

i couldn’t have a bad day today if i tried.

(source)

i can’t stop the positive thought after positive thought. i almost feel possessed. certainly not my “normal” self.

i can’t stop thinking.

something inside broke open.

it keeps gushing out lucid thoughts.

here i am, trying to describe it and where it all came from but i somehow can’t manage a coherent string of words.

why?

i’m not sure.

it could be the skirt i bought yesterday and am wearing today. it’s soft and loose. it makes me feel pretty. i guess i feel comfortable.

or, it might be the lady at the grocery store earlier who smiled at me. then said, “oh my god! your tattoo just gave me the best idea!”

i looked at my wrist. smiled. “what kind of idea?”

while she shared i realized she noticed my tattoo. my wrist. not the stomach i think everyone scrutinizes. or the extra flesh.

for moments at a time i keep jumping into rational thought. i think, “oh man, eat while you’re calm” because i keep eating during moments like this, not tasting with mind racing and i can’t wait to finish lunch because i am so eager to writewritewrite i shake.

or it could be because i keep, quite literally, stumbling over thoughts i don’t get a second to overview before i think them.

like when i threw trash on the floor of my car earlier. caught myself thinking, “man, do i seriously need to do that? i’m just making more work for myself later on.” and that was kind of like, whoa, what the fuck, where did that come from?

it seems as if i am embracing of change. it feels wild. i feel wild.

because then i got to thinking, “ugh, all i want for lunch is some dark chocolate, almond butter, and a tangerine.” which lead me to think, “that’s not a real lunch.” which drove me to consider eating something completely opposite and completely insubstantial. all of this jumpstarted a thought that did not at all feel like my own: “just eat what you want. otherwise, you might end up eating all the things you don’t really want.” it seriously struck me dumb.

it was like finally understanding something i knew all along.

i need to move and i need change like i need a new perspective. i need different air, different people, different conversations. i need life. not uncomfortable comfort.

recently a friend told me he feels i am squandering my potential. he believes i am worthy of bigger and better things than a job at REI. he believes i am wasting time in a town i don’t belong in. at first i took offense to it. i wondered how and why a (best) friend would say something so obviously mean. i only kept thinking “my goal is to be happy. and i am. why can’t they see that?”

last night, however, changed my entire view. of everything. my roommate, smart guy that he is, flipped the perspective for me. he said, “hey man, think of it as coming from you parents, from people who love you and want the best for you. don’t think of it as a bad thing. your friends just want to see you do the things you actually want to do.”

and, just like that, i understood.

in this town, i am stunted. not progressing. not opening. not embracing. i am barely breathing. i am in this town still, where all of this bullshit developed. i am treading over the same, deeply worn paths. i am thickening the already thick grooves of routine. am i really happy here? when i stop to consider the question, i only get one answer: no, not really.

my friends are right. i am worthy of bigger and better things.

i hate sitting amongst friends who share, back and forth, back and forth, stories of life. of living. meanwhile i mute myself in the corner. if anyone asks me, “how’s everything? what’s up?” the same answer comes out. first i shrug my shoulders. then i smile. and then i drone, “it’s good. same old. just working and hanging out.”

i leave out the “oh, you know, just overandoverandoverandover.”

because who wants to hear stories about me, hanging out alone, on the couch, with my computer and a pile of food? who wants to hear stories about how all that food comes up later and i stumble into bed, with brain foggy and oh-so-desperately tired limbs.

it’s getting tiring. it’s getting unbearable.

furthermore, i don’t want to look back on my youth and see days wasted on food. i don’t want to see moments passed up because i felt insecure and uncomfortable. i don’t want to think of all the life i missed out on. you don’t get this time back.

so i am rolling the dice on ‘change begets change’.

i am going to start packing. because i am going to start planning. things are happening. i am shaking off that shell of myself, that dried and useless layer. this isn’t life. and i can’t stand to live another second in this non-life i’ve created. change doesn’t just come to you. you’ve got to make it.

i have no patience for this bullshit anymore.

namaste

zoe

(edit: unfortunately, this night is ending now, it seems, on a lame note. a friend just told me he can’t be friends with me anymore and i just puked my guts up. i’m not…unhappy. just. wickedly disappointed. time for a long, long late night bike ride.)

regressing

i think i snapped.

i woke up three days ago suddenly disinterested in food.

i woke up three days ago intensely interested in not eating.

since waking up three days ago, i’ve eaten little. intentionally.

all i want to do is work out.

i don’t even feel hungry.

just…
heavy.

i definitely think i’ve hit a wall.
and i definitely think i am regressing.
definitely.

how do you pull yourself back from the edge?

namaste

zoe

music monday

i love music.

(source)

…if you didn’t already know.

and i love sharing music with you guys.

today i am pulling a song from one of my most favorite albums: sigh no more by mumford and sons.

for the past two years i’ve listened primarily to electronica music. no lies, techno has a special place in my heart. particularly dub-step. ah. in love. but recently, i’ve replaced a lot of the heavy bass lines with more folky, blue-grassy, calmer music. it seems to suit my moods always and, as a writer and subsequent lover of words, i find the lyrics like poetry and utterly compelling.

particularly this song.

timshel.

i listen to this song a lot. well, i listen to them a lot. and to be perfectly honest, this song took a really long time for me to come around to. aaaand now i can’t stop listening to it. i hope you all enjoy it!

have a beautiful monday. i am definitely trying to enjoy the sunshine.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i went home yesterday. today my mom called and told me she was worried about me. she said i am not myself. she asked what was wrong, if anything. i told her nothing. that it’s fine. if there ever was an opportunity to reach out, and if there was ever an opportunity to reject an opening for confession, i just missed them both. ugh.)

self-love sunday

it’s raining.

(source)
i feel dark and explosive.

and vaguely nauseous.

if gaining weight was a competition, i’d win gold medal every time.
if eating and eating and eating was a job, i’d be the president and CEO.
if self-pity was a class, i’d ace it.

i know this blog is dedicated to recovery, which means including all the nasty bits this process has, but i am tired of feeling like all i do is whine. i don’t know what you all see, but i see someone creating her own misery and resisting, stubbornly, the change necessary for, well, change.

i don’t feel good about this week. i don’t feel myself winning. i just feel myself expanding. sinking. flailing. i feel trapped. i’m scared this is going to be my forever. i’m terrified food will always control my life. i’m anxious i will never love my body or my self. i keep asking myself, “is this it?”

dark thoughts from months passed continually creep up from the dark place i stuffed them into. during conversations with friends. right before i fall asleep. at work in the moments between helping customers. i am too preoccupied and distracted to actually live life. which makes me feel like a waste.

change is coming. i know it is. or, rather, i have to believe it is. otherwise, i think i might lose my mind.

namaste

zoe

cycling

not anxious anymore.

just…kind of numb.
(source)

i am caught in a cycle. it feels routine.

i am equal parts ambivalent and raging.

i am so caught up in black and white i can either not have something or only have it all. there is no middle ground in my life. most days i wake up feeling defeated. unmotivated. huge. i wake up knowing nighttime will bring a binge with its darkness. i know because i think thoughts like “well, i’m already fat. what’s the fucking point?” i binge because i am depressed about my body. then i binge because i am depressed i binged the day before. then i binge because i am depressed i binged the day before and the day before that.

see the cycle?

i day dream about spending hours at the gym. i day dream about what i might look like after losing weight. i day dream about food. i lose track of conversations because my mind wanders. i ask “what?” one too many times. i am thinking, always, of how i look.

as much as i keep trying to convince myself i am healing, progressing, and, striding forward, deep down i feel like a liar. i am trying in vain to talk myself into something that isn’t really true. i want it to be true. but you can’t want something into reality.

so instead of feeling, i tune out. this feels like not giving a shit. this feel like caring so much you don’t know what to do. and this always feels overwhelming. i don’t even think i know how to tune in any more.

namaste

zoe

anxious and aware (and really frustrated)

i went to sleep feeling anxious and woke up feeling anxious.

(source. and everything i am experiencing.)
anxiety sucks.

get ready for a stream of consciousness type of post.

i am sitting here trying to figure out why i am restless, overly-hot, and slightly nauseous. why i want to move, move, move. mostly, i am trying to figure out why the idea of restriction keeps bubbling up into my mind. i think this happens when i am anxious.

i have a bad, horrible, no good tendency to work myself up. in doing so, i usually end up feeling overwhelmed and intimidated. this present case of anxiety has everything to do with recovery from binge eating and bulimia. during quiet moments my mind slips away to the future. an imagined one, of course, because i have no idea what my future actually looks like. but in the manifestations of my mind i see health and happiness. far too often i see the body i want: healthy, happy, balanced.

and then the future falls away. i tumble back into reality, lose sight of those pretty, sparkling pictures from a fabricated future. instead i see the stepping stones i must leap to and from. i see the work, the challenge, the commitment. and then i shut down.

is it bad that i am bothered by the fact that i can’t just let go of body image? is it bad that i want to short cut it all and just stop eating to get where i want to get, at least physically? is it bad that i am frustrated at myself for not feeling able to simply breathe and acknowledge this is, quite literally, a step-by-step process requiring patience? is it bad that i am angry at myself for completely shutting off and shutting down whenever i am confronted with hard work? is it bad i don’t think i am capable of actually doing hard work?

what i don’t think is bad is this: finally seeing how much i need to relax. finally understanding how much this self-induced anxiety drives my eating disorder. finally acknowledging that, maybe, i need to just stop over thinking….everything and let.it.be. or at the very least acknowledge that i am in a process.

i just don’t know how to escape my head. or not be overly analytical.

i apologize for how rambling this post is but i am in a rambling mood. when i spin myself dizzy word vomit tends to be a nasty side effect. i am hoping a nice run will help calm me down. maybe some climbing, too. i work later this evening, something i am surprisingly thankful for. evenings are my most difficult space of time and work generally has the power to remove myself from the murky thoughts. really, i’m just hoping to end the day on a non-anxious note. fingers crossed for good results!

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i already feel better after getting all that out. thanks for listening to my jumbled mess of words.)

applying the past to the future

bingeing in the car alone is the loneliest place i’ve ever been.

(source)

i really don’t want to go back.

throwing roommates into the life of a binger really complicates things. the routine and easy sense of freedom go away. embarrassment joins shame now in the quiet moments after sinking back into reality amidst wrappers and crumbs. binges become planned events, secret single-person parties held in the moments alone in the house. or, worse, they turn into desperation: slipping out of the house because you “have to do something” when really, all you’re doing is shoveling cookies into your mouth as you drive around aimlessly, hardly thinking beyond stopping for red lights and maintaining the speed limit for green ones.

today i managed to reenter my conscious a little early. a piece of my healthy self still putting up a fight pulled me back into sense. i managed to not gogogo until i hit the bottom of the box. for this, i am so, so thankful.

i am thankful i chose to take a moment to reflect without judgement, too. did i feel disappointment? yes. did i feel regret? some what. did i come into new realization? do i ever not?

as i sat in the space of the aftermath, i got to thinking about my past addiction to exercise. the urges i experienced overwhelmed me at times with guilt, shame, and anxiety. if a day passed without exercise, i found my chest tight, my thoughts racing, my guilty conscious disassembling any idea of peace. i couldn’t talk, rest, eat, think. as i sat in the car tonight, i got to wondering about how the hell i managed to get over that.

i used to say i never knew how i weened myself off exercise. i used to say i never knew how i controlled those urges and refused to follow them to their ends. tonight, however, i paid close attention to the past. i recalled the tense moments, the voice cooing me into believing “just another mile” wouldn’t hurt. and i remember the voice that stood up in opposition. it sounded from a place of compassion. it fought back against the voice intent on further destroying my sanity. the kind, gentle voice guided me to my intuition, helped me believe in that intuition and helped me rebuild a healthy relationship with exercise. i was sweet toward myself, forgiving, patient and unconditionally loving.

now, when i ask myself how the hell am i ever going to get over binge eating and i say i don’t know, i know i am actually lying. i do know how to recover from binge eating. and i am certainly not helping myself by using the language i currently use. instead of employing the voice of compassion, i am bullying myself with the voice of shame. i am yelling at myself, punishing myself, calling myself names. i am kicking myself while i am down. i am accepting the urges as a part of myself when, in all reality, they’re not a part of my intuitive self, but rather a part of my unhealthy self.

which leaves me asking: why the hell am i choosing to listen to my unhealthy self, the voice that doesn’t want anything good for me?

i find it kinda funny that i was totally able to be kind to myself while learning how to live life again without compulsive exercise but i am unable to be kind to myself when attempting to recover from binge eating. and by kinda funny, i really mean kind sad.

i am resisting change so stubbornly. all signs in my life indicate a change — a massive change — is necessary for survival. i feel so toxic, heavy, and tense. every day ends up resembling a tight rope walk. some times, i feel like i am watching myself implode in slow motion.

something has to change. my language has to change. i cannot try and motivate myself with self-deprication anymore. i cannot use strict, harsh, black and white ways of thinking. i cannot be anything but kind, loving, accepting, and appreciating of myself.

otherwise, i am afraid nothing will ever change.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i put off the binge today by doing yoga first for an hour and eating a satisfying dinner. i know, at the least, that i tried today. i’m just trying not to tell myself i didn’t try hard enough.)

music monday

i skipped self-love sunday not because i lacked self-love…

…but because i was having too much fun last night. one of my really close friends came up from san francisco and we basically giggled away the midnight hours until she passed out (one beer too many perhaps ?). theeen my roommate came home, at which point we talked until oh, almost three in the morning.

last week definitely did see some self-love. change is coming. i see it, feel it, and am starting to believe it. the pieces of this fucked up puzzle are starting to find their home in the grander picture. i am beyond thrilled. i am beyond exhausted, too. it’s been a really, really rough two years. i am so ready to tie up this box and never look inside again.

today’s agenda looks promising too. my friend is still here. we’re about to venture out for a late (uh, super late) breakfast. next up, evening yoga and post-yoga climbing with another close friend and hopefully both my roomies.

did i tell you i joined my college’s gym? they offer memberships to alumni. i am excited and nervous, as i am just starting to carefully balance the exercise issues. i am confident it won’t spiral out of control like last time though.

and as for the title of today’s post…i’m going to start sharing with you a song on mondays. music is really important to me and i can only assume it is important to you. i can also only assume that, like me, you all love hearing new music and being turned onto new bands. so. today i will leave you with yet another avett brother’s tune. i seriously wake up every day with them swimming around my brain. i lovelovelove them.

today’s avett brother’s song? will you return.

i hope you enjoy it

enjoy your day as well! i’m about to head off. it’s ridiculous indian summer weather over here. we’re inching into the 90′s as-we-speak. so much for fall!

best part of your weekend?

namaste

zoe

(something else really cool? this week’s free yogatoday(.com) hour long session is a awesome looking hip opener that serves to “burn away that which no longer serves you….doubts, fears, undigested emotions.” every thing is pointing to releasing!)

let’s talk about sex (and why we’re not doing it)

can we talk about something?

or, rather, can i rant a whole lot of something like i usually do?

i’ve had a lot on my mind lately in regards to sex. not gender sex, but sex sex. and how it and touch in general have been lacking from my life. the other day, the lovely voice behind disenchantED, asked us what we’ve given up because of our ED’s. i said meaningful relationships. what i really meant to say was intimacy.

i am a firm believer in the importance of sex and sexuality in ones life. i think sex and sexuality are integral aspects of happiness. without them, a fundamental piece of humanness is missing. and can i just say just how much it is missing in my life?

the moment sexuality knocked on my conscious i locked the door. in high school i avoided any sort of intimacy while hormone crazed hookups happened all around me. i listened to stories gush from friends about drunken midnight lip locking. i soaked up their hush-hush secrets while remaining detached from the vague sense of longing mingled with jealousy inching its way into my thoughts. i was missing out.

yet…

yet i swatted hands off of me. i turned off being turned on. i disregarded the boys who showed interest. the thought of touching and being touched terrified me. alongside questions of “what if i’m not good at anything?” came the truer, more accurate reasons as to why i evaded intimate moments: i didn’t want anyone discovering my body.

i’ve never liked my body. i’ve never appreciated it’s shape, the natural curves and crevasses. i’ve only ever ignored it. i’ve only ever seen imperfection. i’ve only ever seen the “needs improvement” sign flashing over my head. even during my restriction days (i am hesitant to call it anorexia despite fulfilling the qualifying markers) i felt abhorrently fat despite counting my emerging ribs in the mirror. and now, as i occupy a fleshy, foreign body i am still working on feeling comfortable.

the lack of appreciation and the fixation on the perceived “imperfections” held me back from my sexual side. i withheld because i felt hideous and unworthy. surely, i thought, no one liked a girl with an overly round stomach and big thighs. surely no one wanted to touch a soft body. clearly no guy would choose me over my tall, spindly, gorgeous friends. i tricked myself into believe that, because i am bigger, i don’t deserve to experience sex and sexuality.

however…

i am starting to understand not everyone finds thinness attractive. i am discovering the concept of varying tastes. i am finding out the number of guys who dig thicker women is a hell of a lot bigger than i ever thought. i’m learning that maybe my roundness and cellulite and softness isn’t as big of a deal as i have always assumed it was.

really though, i am seeing that none of that matters. not really anyway. the only thing that honestly matters? confidence. heaping piles of raw confidence. i am, slowly, mentally settling into the body that grew into womanhood during middle school. i’m playing a massive game of catch up. i’m growing confidence.

so yes, my eating disorder has taken a lot away from me. that’s for damn sure. but i’m taking my life back. i’m taking everything back, sexuality included. and that, my loves, is for damn sure.

have you ever held back on life because you’ve felt uncomfortable in your own skin?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: do you know how positively gorgeous you are yet? inside and out?)

(p.p.s: just as a clarification: sex and sexuality are not completely absent from my life. they exist and have existed just in very, very small doses.)

horoscope craziness

i put a lot of stock into horoscopes.

really though, i put a lot of stock into things a lot of people might like to call “spiritual mumbo-jumbo” (uh, i have no idea who would actually say that).

rob brezsney continually blows my mind. he posts weekly horoscopes so freakishly spot on it leaves me sputtering and stuttering “but…what…how…i…what…?” for minutes. then hours. then days. like this week. this week left me covered in chills.

“Sentiment without action is the ruin of the soul,” said environmentalist Edward Abbey. The “ruin” doesn’t happen all of a sudden, because of a single small failure to translate sincere intentions into good works. Rather, it’s the result of long-running laziness or passivity — a consistent inability to do what one’s passions demand. If there is even a shred of this tendency in your make-up, Libra, now is an urgent time to shed it. According to my astrological analysis, you simply must carry out your soul’s mandates.

um.

can we talk about this for a second?

sentiment without action? talking about wanting recovery desperately yet not applying the effort needed?
long-running laziness or passivity? the “i’ll start tomorrow” mentality i’ve been carrying around for months?
consistent inability to do what one’s passions demand? like committing to health and happiness and wholeness?

i am thrilled and scared and enveloped in overwhelming awe.

today, i read my daily om horoscope.

Positive Surprises
Libra Daily Horoscope
News from your loved ones or close friends might take you off guard but could nevertheless make you feel excited today. It may be that you have heard the unexpected, and you feel that everything you have known and thought up to this point has changed in some way. Even if what you hear is not entirely positive, perhaps today you can look upon this surprise as a sign from the universe that some part of your life should change. Seeing the positive aspect of the unforeseen might help you understand that everything that happens to you and around you could be an opportunity to do something different and challenge yourself. This may even make it easier for you to accept that the things that occur out of the blue are not extraordinary but a normal and essential part of life.

um.

sign from the universe (my favorites) that some part of my life should change?

what i’ve cracked this all up to be is this: something is happening. i feel something changing, shifting, clicking into place. i feel differently each morning i wake up. it started on sunday and hasn’t stopped. i cannot tell you what’s going on because i cannot quite understand it myself.

all i know is this: i gotta carry out my soul’s mandates. and fast.

do you put any stock into horoscopes? or any type of spiritual stuff?

namaste

zoe

(okay, so, i’ve looked at a ton of different horoscopes today and all of them indicate things are changing, that i am realizing the need for change. no wonder i feel a shift!)