i couldn’t have a bad day today if i tried.
i can’t stop the positive thought after positive thought. i almost feel possessed. certainly not my “normal” self.
i can’t stop thinking.
something inside broke open.
it keeps gushing out lucid thoughts.
here i am, trying to describe it and where it all came from but i somehow can’t manage a coherent string of words.
i’m not sure.
it could be the skirt i bought yesterday and am wearing today. it’s soft and loose. it makes me feel pretty. i guess i feel comfortable.
or, it might be the lady at the grocery store earlier who smiled at me. then said, “oh my god! your tattoo just gave me the best idea!”
i looked at my wrist. smiled. “what kind of idea?”
while she shared i realized she noticed my tattoo. my wrist. not the stomach i think everyone scrutinizes. or the extra flesh.
for moments at a time i keep jumping into rational thought. i think, “oh man, eat while you’re calm” because i keep eating during moments like this, not tasting with mind racing and i can’t wait to finish lunch because i am so eager to writewritewrite i shake.
or it could be because i keep, quite literally, stumbling over thoughts i don’t get a second to overview before i think them.
like when i threw trash on the floor of my car earlier. caught myself thinking, “man, do i seriously need to do that? i’m just making more work for myself later on.” and that was kind of like, whoa, what the fuck, where did that come from?
it seems as if i am embracing of change. it feels wild. i feel wild.
because then i got to thinking, “ugh, all i want for lunch is some dark chocolate, almond butter, and a tangerine.” which lead me to think, “that’s not a real lunch.” which drove me to consider eating something completely opposite and completely insubstantial. all of this jumpstarted a thought that did not at all feel like my own: “just eat what you want. otherwise, you might end up eating all the things you don’t really want.” it seriously struck me dumb.
it was like finally understanding something i knew all along.
i need to move and i need change like i need a new perspective. i need different air, different people, different conversations. i need life. not uncomfortable comfort.
recently a friend told me he feels i am squandering my potential. he believes i am worthy of bigger and better things than a job at REI. he believes i am wasting time in a town i don’t belong in. at first i took offense to it. i wondered how and why a (best) friend would say something so obviously mean. i only kept thinking “my goal is to be happy. and i am. why can’t they see that?”
last night, however, changed my entire view. of everything. my roommate, smart guy that he is, flipped the perspective for me. he said, “hey man, think of it as coming from you parents, from people who love you and want the best for you. don’t think of it as a bad thing. your friends just want to see you do the things you actually want to do.”
and, just like that, i understood.
in this town, i am stunted. not progressing. not opening. not embracing. i am barely breathing. i am in this town still, where all of this bullshit developed. i am treading over the same, deeply worn paths. i am thickening the already thick grooves of routine. am i really happy here? when i stop to consider the question, i only get one answer: no, not really.
my friends are right. i am worthy of bigger and better things.
i hate sitting amongst friends who share, back and forth, back and forth, stories of life. of living. meanwhile i mute myself in the corner. if anyone asks me, “how’s everything? what’s up?” the same answer comes out. first i shrug my shoulders. then i smile. and then i drone, “it’s good. same old. just working and hanging out.”
i leave out the “oh, you know, just overandoverandoverandover.”
because who wants to hear stories about me, hanging out alone, on the couch, with my computer and a pile of food? who wants to hear stories about how all that food comes up later and i stumble into bed, with brain foggy and oh-so-desperately tired limbs.
it’s getting tiring. it’s getting unbearable.
furthermore, i don’t want to look back on my youth and see days wasted on food. i don’t want to see moments passed up because i felt insecure and uncomfortable. i don’t want to think of all the life i missed out on. you don’t get this time back.
so i am rolling the dice on ‘change begets change’.
i am going to start packing. because i am going to start planning. things are happening. i am shaking off that shell of myself, that dried and useless layer. this isn’t life. and i can’t stand to live another second in this non-life i’ve created. change doesn’t just come to you. you’ve got to make it.
i have no patience for this bullshit anymore.
(edit: unfortunately, this night is ending now, it seems, on a lame note. a friend just told me he can’t be friends with me anymore and i just puked my guts up. i’m not…unhappy. just. wickedly disappointed. time for a long, long late night bike ride.)