vegan at heart

boy oh boy am i in a weird place with food.

or, rather, my food choices. and not a weird bad place. just an…uncomfortable place. lemme explain.

i am struggling to incorporate more animal products into my diet. when i started my vegan diet all those months ago, i never intended to fall so deeply in love with animals. admittedly, vanity combined with a developing case of an eating disorder motivated me to adopt a vegan lifestyle, not the lives of all the chickens and cows and fish. as i distanced myself from animal products and filled my conscious with information about animal cruelty, the ethical side of my veganism emerged. suddenly i cared about the lives of animals and felt more solid in my decisions to avoid eating them.

as my health started to decline, cravings for chicken, fish, eggs, and greek yogurt re-emerged. and, as i incorporated these animal products back into my diet, i battled against the ethical arguments sounding in my head.

yes, i do have a choice to avoid animal products from huge corporations. i do have a choice to choose animal products free of hormones and preservatives and other nasty chemicals. but the choices don’t affect the conclusion: i am still participating in the system of killing animals. i am still eating life. and it just breaks my little heart.

the ethical side of myself keeps begging me to adopt a vegan lifestyle again. the rational side of myself, however, knows not to tread on that path. not yet, at least. i am vegan in my heart, but not quite in mind and body. i will not allow myself to dive back into veganism until i feel ready. and as i still struggle with food, i don’t think it’s a good idea to box myself into any one lifestyle quite yet. but — i am getting better. i realize the reason veganism failed my body previously was because i avoided whole grains and beans. the calorie and carbohydrate count scared me. i now know in order to be a healthy vegan, whole grains and beans are totally necessary. my fear of these foods has greatly declined. i’m almost there.

for now i think i’m going to stick to a vegetarian diet. i no longer crave chicken or fish and i find when i eat it, i feel wrong. not physically (my body processes it okay), just mentally. i doesn’t feel like the right decision for me. until i can cut out animal products entirely, i’ll continue to eat eggs, yogurt, and cheese. who knows, maybe i’ll never stop eating these things. and that’s okay. the meat though…it’s not working for me. so i’ll settle into a cushy, comfortable vegetarian lifestyle. and that makes me happy. and i’m sure it makes these guys happy, too.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: be on the look out for some recipes! i’m back in the kitchen — with a vengeance!

p.p.s: please know i hold no judgements toward anyone who chooses to eat meat. or toward anyone who chooses not to eat meat. this is just my personal opinion for my life.

p.p.p.s: it’s raining. wtf.)

dilemma

i have a dilemma.

and i’ve been here before. and i think i know the answer already. and i’m fairly certain i don’t want to accept said answer.

i have a crush on a co-worker…who has a crush on me.

(okay, how many people were expecting that as my dilema? hah. trying to clue you in on other aspects of my life because, you know, food and weight aren’t the only things going on around here.)

um, do we all remember what happened last time i dated a co-worker? if you don’t, i’ll sum it up like this: worst.idea.ever. basically the whole thing imploded and sparked this months long downward spiral i’m just crawling out of. so, obviously, the clear answer here is don’t date him.

don’t date him makes sense, sure. but something gives me pause. something makes me reconsider. something feels different. i compare the past co-worker situation to the present one and see big old differences. however, regardless of the dumb lists i draw up in my head and regardless of how i feel towards this person, i still come back to the fact that he’s a co-worker. i’ve been there before and i’m not sure i want to be there again. hence the dilemma.

another funny thing? my horoscope today cautioned against being overly cautious. hah. a few friends tell me to just go for it, tell me you cannot help matters of the heart and taking risks is what life is all about. my mom tells me no, don’t do it. it’s confusing and i’m confused.

basically i’m scribbling all of this to ask you this: help a sista out?

in other news…

life is grand. no sarcasm in there. it just is. i’m skipping out on the psychiatrist evaluation (not comfortable with that idea yet) and instead just focusing on positivity, which, for life-long negative people like me, can be a challenge. the grooves in my brain are just so wired to react with a negative thought or action. that does not, however, mean it is impossible to fall into a life of positive thinking. it just takes some practice. a lot of practice. and lots of kindness towards yourself when you slip up with your practice. kinda like yoga, yeah ?

additionally, i also started taking niacin (vitamin b3) once a day and find my happiness levels to be pretty solid since. thais also suggested st. john’s wort which i think i’ll look into as well. anyone else know of any natural remedies for depression? i’d love to know!

but now friends, i am off! to enjoy the sunshine, a bike ride, an iced latte, a therapy appointment (by the way i absolutely love her), climbing, and time with friends. and yoga. because i can’t go a day without it anymore

care to share with me your positive mantras? or your way of turning a negative into a positive?

namaste

zoe

oh, hey

oh yeah — i blog.

it’s been a while, hasn’t it? i apologize. i’m assuming my last post illuminated the deep, heavy sadness i fell into. and i’m assuming you all understood i needed a bit of a breather. on friday, following a therapy appointment, two solid hours of non-stop water works, and a sick call into work, i threw some shit in a bag and sped home in a half-daze. by home i mean my parents house. the house i grew up in. my quiet get away. i spent the weekend with my parents, unwinding, resettling and coming back to myself. i cannot tell you how rejuvenated i feel following last weekend.

no, things are not all rainbows and sunshine (when is it ever?). my therapist suggested i see a psychiatrist, as she believes my episodes of depression might be bio-chemically related. i still struggle to find a balance with food. i’m still battling negative thoughts and the image in the mirror. i still don’t feel healthy.

but i am smiling. i’ve laughed a lot this week. i’m realizing, seeing, and believing people like me despite my weight and appearance. i’ve felt a lot of love this week. or, rather, i’ve allowed myself to feel a lot of love this week. i worked every day this week and enjoyed every second of it. i stepped back onto my mat for the first time in almost two months yesterday (more about that later). i’ve played around a lot in the kitchen this week. hell, i even wrote something this week! two things! i haven’t written (fiction) in so long. it feels good to come back to my passions. plus, summer has officially arrived. it’s absolutely beautiful out here! i’m diggin’ on the sunny days and sunshine-filled walks.

steady and reliable happiness is always a work in progress but i feel myself inching closer to it each day. thanks for being with me on this journey.

what’s been the best thing about your week?

namaste

zoe

let thy food be thy medicine

i’m currently inhabiting a weird space.

mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. i cry almost every day. i am exhausted all the time. nausea frequently occurs. i constantly ride the pendulum swing of mood swings back and forth, back and forth. a mental fog seems to have rolled in. i forget things. i lack motivation. i feel like i am groping around in a desperate panic for something solid, for something to keep me from floating away altogether. luckily i understand where the majority of these issues stem from: food.

the ever inspiring mara over at medicinal marzipan wrote up a post today about allowing food to heal the mind, body, and soul connection. her words spoke to me. deeply. i want so badly to live in a world where food and i do not battle it out every day. i want to occupy a safe place, one in which i can love myself. most of all, i don’t want to binge anymore. i want to flourish in this life, not flounder.

truth be told, i am not applying the appropriate effort towards happiness. i am folding each and every time to (daily) urges to binge, despite the quietness of those urges. yes, i said quietness. i’ve previously mentioned the lessened intensity of my urges to binge. however, i am not choosing to ignore them. instead, i am choosing to purchase binge foods over and over again. i am choosing to walk myself right into the madness. i am choosing weight gain, stretch marks, poorly fitting clothes, depression, self-loathing, and anger.

if i truly take a moment to consider what my body is actually asking for, i find it asking for wholesome foods. i find it begging for fresh vegetables, fruits, whole grains, chicken, fish, and eggs, not the chocolate, peanut butter, and cookies i cram into it instead. food has the amazing ability to nourish and heal our worn and weary bodies. by continually pumping it full of the things it is clearly not asking for, i am poisoning it. literally. no wonder i feel ill. no wonder i feel spacey. no wonder i feel lethargic, depressed, bloated and uncomfortable. i am puffy and inflamed and stressed and lacking a regular period. for as much as whole foods can heal, processed food (wholesome foods’ cousin) can harm.

i am doing something else too when i am ignoring my body’s real cravings: i am treating myself with disrespect. this body is my home. it houses my soul, my heart, my mind. i would never force feed untold amounts of processed food to people i love. so why am i doing it to myself? what am i punishing myself for? why can i not see the person other people see? why can i not love myself as others love me?

regardless, i know i am tired. i am tired of being tired. i am tired of crying. i am tired of feeling low, low, low. i am tired of hearing only the negative voice. i am tired of irregular periods, a bloated belly, stomach aches, tight fitting pants, and nausea.

so when someone asks me

i will, without a doubt, choose food. i cannot afford expensive medicines, nor would i want to shell out money for something i consider to be a band-aid in most cases. i cannot afford to buy a new wardrobe, either, something i should not have to be spending money on. i can, however, spend money on food. because i need it. and because, if it is my medicine, i want the best of the best.

as of tomorrow i will no longer be alone in my house. one of my roommate’s mothers just sold her home and needs a place to stay until she can find a new home. i am so grateful. i will no longer be alone with my thoughts, with my fridge, with myself. as of tomorrow i will overhaul my diet. i owe this much to my body. hell, i owe this much to myself.

tomorrow i give up chocolate. i give up sugar. i give up peanut butter. i give up white flour. i give up processed foods. no, i do not believe in demonizing food or food groups. but i do believe in health. and i do believe these foods will not help me get there. i cannot sit around and simply wait for the happy space to come to me; i must create it. in order to do so, i need to built a healthy, healing space for my body to live in. so i start first with my diet and hope physical, mental, and emotional health follow.

it’s nearing the end of the day and i am, you guessed it, tired. but i am also hopeful. because there is no where to go from here but up.

namaste

zoe

second chances

i am lucky.

despite the tears, the heartache, the pain, the hopelessness, the emptiness, the darkness, i know i am lucky.

today, while on a lovely three mile walk/run, i experienced an ephiany of sorts: i get a second chance at health.

two years ago when i changed my diet and lifestyle, i did not anticipate the negative outcome of my decisions. i did not foresee falling into an eating disorder, an exercise disorder, distancing myself from happiness, and winding up unhealthy. i definitely did not predict gaining back all the weight i lost either.

i’ve mentioned it before but let me restate: i believe everything happens for a reason. i believe every experience brings a lesson and a new perspective to explore. in retrospect, i see my first ventures into health were actually not healthy advances. essentially, i struggled through dark moments for a reason: to reap the lessons darkness provides and apply those lessons to my present. and lessons i learned. plenty of lessons.

like restricting food slows my metabolism, leads to binges, increases cravings, and upsets my hormone balance (yeah, losing your period for nine months says a thing or two)

hell, restricting any food groups (especially carbs) provokes my body to send out urges to binge. AND it robs my body of the energy and nutrients it needs to function properly.

it’s okay to not work out seven days a week. in fact, it’s my body’s preference! even better — it’s okay to skip a scheduled work out if you’re tired or if you’d rather spend time with friends. taking rests days is treating your body well.

running is not the end all, be all of the exercise world. i don’t know where i’d be without yoga or rock climbing or walking.

my body is different then everyone else’s body. my nutritional needs are different than my mom’s, my best friend’s, and yours. how neat is that?!

happiness cannot be found in the size of your pants or the flatness of your stomach. i was more miserable when i was skinny than i am now at a reasonable weight. happiness comes from inside.

the people who love you love you for you, not your appearance.

i am so lucky: i get to redo health — the healthy way. i have a tool box, if you will, and in that tool box are all the tools i need to build a healthy life for myself. had i never gone through what i’ve gone through, i never would have acquired all those tools. so i am thankful for all those tears, those worries, those scary, overwhelming moments. because i’ve learned from all of that. because i am still here, still standing, still fighting. and you know what? i’m going to win. i’m going to do it right this time. i do, in fact, deserve health, happiness, and all good things — and you do too.

may the rest of your day be filled with only good things!

namaste

zoe

“climb up over the top, survey the state of the soul. you’ve got to find out for yourself whether or not you’re truly trying. why not give it a shot? shake it, take control. and inevitably wind up finding out for yourself all the strengths you have inside of you.”
–jason mraz (song for a friend)

just do it

sometimes, you just gotta pull a nike and do it.

you might be asking what i am urging you to do. what the ‘it’ consists of. well, luckily i’m here to tell you…

just accept yourself — inside and out.
just ignore the image in the mirror.
just love your body for what it is.
just live, breathe, and think positive.
just eat that piece of cake…without thinking twice.
just smile at that cutie across the room.
just apply for that job.
just chase that dream.

just let it be

my life isn’t perfect. my body isn’t perfect. i’m not perfect. i never will be. but i can work on loving where i am — on loving who i am. the only way to do it? stop obsessing. stop fretting. stop fighting. and just do it.

namaste

zoe

“to love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.”
–oscar wilde

self-love sunday

what an emotional week!

(get it? emotional rollercoaster? oh how i love bad puns!)

this week provided me chances to laugh, cry, live and learn. although i spent much of the time this week wrapped up in negative thoughts, i’m (surprisingly) ending the week on a positive note. did things go well this week? no, not really. did i treat myself well? no, not at all. did i step back, evaluate, and pull the positives out of the pool of negativity? yes.

last night i spent some time reading over old posts on the old blog. much like a journal, the words contained on the pages there serve as some sort of time capsule. the words the past me typed up kind of inspired the present me. the posts kind of walked me into my positive discoveries. what might they be?

1) my urges to binge have lost their (incredibly) overwhelming urgency.
2) the amount of food in my binges has decreased immensely.
3) i am making progress — babysteps, yes, but it’s progress nonetheless.

i am grateful to realize this, as these thoughts leave me in an uplifting mood. i am grateful for being able to blog this experience, because i get support and kind words from so many intelligent, warm souls. i am grateful to be experiencing what i am experiencing because how do we know happiness without first experiencing sadness? i am grateful because, no matter how painful this period of my life is, i know it will eventually pass and the lessons learned will have their weight in gold.

thank you all so much for your patience as i claw myself out of this hole i’ve thrown myself into.

now, i am off to bike to my favorite coffee shop for coffee because it’s sunday and, well, something about sunday mornings always calls for coffee. then, it’s to san francisco for the haight street fair (!) with a friend, and, hopefully, dinner at millennium!

have a beautiful sunday.

namaste

zoe

being your own soul mate

i learned a lot from my last “relationship”.

i used quotation marks because my last “boyfriend” was essentially cheating on me the entire time. with his ex. who he is now back together with. did i mention i worked with him at the time of the break up? and that we work together now, at my new job? if FML ever applied to any situation, it’s absolutely this one. needless to say, the end of the relationship left me drowning in an emotional tidal wave i am still straining to remove myself from.

i am one of those cheesy people who believes everything happens for a reason. in retrospect, my last relationship fail exposed just how much i need to work on myself. in the absence of the relationship, i felt ugly, unworthy, and unloved. however, in it, i felt beautiful, happy, loveable. basically, i used to the relationship to validate my self-worth as a person. i relied on one person to create feelings i needed to draw from myself instead.

often times, without knowing it, we rely on external factors to bring us self-confidence (i definitely belong to that “we”). we’ll use people as a means to measure our self-worth, such as having a significant other. by being in a relationship, we’re validating our attractiveness as a physical and emotional being.

i do it all the time. if a cute guy chooses to hit on my friend instead of me, i am immediately ugly and fat. if a friend forgets to call me back, i am instantly annoying and needy. in both situations i am not worth it. but why? why do i allow people to affect my self-confidence to instead of simply finding it in myself and holding onto it always? maybe because it’s just not that simple for a lot of us.

dailyom, one of my most favorite of zen websites, sends out daily e-mails with bits of uplifting wisdom. to be honest, i’ve chosen to ignore them lately, deleting them before opening them. the positivity woven into the words intimidated me, as i am filled more with negativity these days than positivity. but today’s e-mail, titled begin with yourself, caught my eye. to sum it up…

Part of the journey of finding a mate is learning how to become our own mate. When we can learn to meet our needs without relying on someone else to complete us, we don’t have to form relationships from the space of needing our emptiness to be filled. We can also discover our intrinsic value, separate from what someone else might be reflecting back to us. Getting to know who we are and learning to love ourselves creates a solid foundation of self that we can bring to any relationship.

this, my friends, is exactly where i am. i am avoiding searching for romantic relationships because i am not at a place of peace with myself. i am learning to love myself. i am learning who i really am, what i really want, what i really don’t want. before i step into another relationship, i need a solid foundation of self-love. i need to be my own soul mate.

so while i am (still) mending my heart, i am not unhappy that my relationship ended in the (ridiculous) way it ended. it uncovered issues i clearly needed to deal with but was avoiding. if the end of the relationship didn’t bring to light my problems, something else would have. yes, i am not in a happy place. yes, i struggle daily to find self-confidence. but i’m working on it. and i am certain one day i will be able to wake up, smile, and know in my heart of hearts that i am worth all amazingly good things — with or without a mate.

what do you think? should we first be our own soul mates before we can be someone else’s?

yesterday

despite the monstrosity of a day on tuesday, wednesday turned out to be pretty baller.

i woke up and skyped with candace.
i biked to my favorite coffee shop and sipped on a soy latte while reading (because yes, i am that cliche!)
i biked to a friend’s house, a solid, sunny, gorgeous forty minutes well spent.
i hung out with said friend and over analyzed 16 & pregnant. cause, you know, why not.
i biked home in the late afternoon, early evening golden sunshine while listening to abbey road.
and i cooked an effin’ sweet dinner.

…but that almost didn’t happen.

you see, the real reason behind my happiness yesterday is not epic bike rides, seeing a friend, or enjoying a yummy coffee drink. the real reason behind my happiness boils down to one, single fact: i didn’t eat very much yesterday.

wait! before you throw your hands up in despair and abandon this post, hear me out. because i think this story’s ending looks a bit different than you think.

tuesday i went to bed dead set on waking up the next day and avoiding food as much as possible. or all together. it didn’t matter. what mattered was i wasn’t going to eat much. self-imposed starvation put a smile on my face all day.

did i eat? yes. i ate a bit of chicken with mustard, carrots crackers and hummus. i ate one square of dark chocolate. i biked, biked, biked to my friend’s house and ignored the hunger alarms blaring in my growling stomach. instead i drank water, felt light, happy, and at peace. hunger made me happy. around five i caved and ate an apple, if only to silence the hunger pangs.

i did plan to eat dinner but, as i geared up to bike, bike, bike back to my house, i decided i’d decide on dinner when i got home. though i knew my body needed food and though i knew deep down i truly was hungry, i pretended that i didn’t really need to eat dinner. so i biked home, bathed in warm, comforting sunshine and giddy at the prospect of skipping a meal.

but then something happened.

about ten minutes into my bike ride home, i felt my speed decreasing. the power in my legs weakened. i felt the energy ooze out of me and right then and there i became a sluggish snail on the side of the road.

as i paused at a stoplight, a thought occurred to me. the thought. i felt suddenly drained of energy because i had no energy in me. an empty stomach means an empty body. by not feeding my body, i am literally not feeding the muscles i depend on to get me home. if i want to bike, bike, bike, i need to eat, eat, eat. suddenly the voice of restriction faded, replaced now by the voice of reason. i found myself contemplating dinner again. thinking about the salmon i bought earlier in the day. thinking about the recipe sitting at home on my computer. thinking about treating myself well.

i found myself in the middle of self-compassion.

something in me talked me out of starving myself. and you know what? it always does. in the months since i stopped restricting, i have tried and failed countless times to go through the day without food. but my hunger always brings out the rationalist in my mind, not the creepy supportive voice of restriction. it seems i literally cannot put myself through another day of not eating. when i realized this, a real happiness, manifested not through self-harm but through self-love, spread a toothy, ridiculous grin onto my face.

upon returning home i went immediately to the kitchen where, using evan’s brilliantly simple recipe, cooked up an immensely satisfying meal.

oh, and you better believe i followed up with some dessert. another immensely enjoyed aspect of the day.

if you ask me what really made me happiest at the end of the day on wednesday, i’ll answer you with this: knowing i physically cannot starve myself anymore means that, one day, i will not be able to stuff myself silly. one day. for now, i rest assured that i will get there, as i get everywhere i eventually need to go.

namaste

zoe

“be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. and the point is to live everything. live the questions”
–rainer maria rilke

on asking for help

guys, i’m normally not this dramatic.

if you met me in person, i think you’d see interpret me as a happy person. i smile a lot. i laugh a lot. i crack jokes. the things you read on here swirl about in my head and only ever come out in therapy.

however, i am human. i do struggle. i am struggling. the negative mind space i am currently inhabiting leaves me depressed, irritable, anxious, and unable to socialize. i snap at people then feel myself break inside. those harsh words are not me. they are the product of feeling awful, not a product of the person talking to me.

when i am upset i get quiet. if i choose to speak i speak softly, almost like a shy three year old. i can’t look people in the eye. my energy leaves me and i spend the day on the couch. friends and family ask me what’s wrong and i reply simply by saying, “oh, nothing. i’m fine. i’m just tired,” instead of letting out the tears i am holding in and reaching out for a big, old hug. because that’s what i really need. not the “oh, okay,” i get in response to my answer. but how will they know that if i don’t tell them?

i hate what my current struggles turn me into. i am not mean. i am not rude. i am not self-ish. i am not inactive. i’m just bottling up feelings and thoughts and they transform me into someone i don’t know and someone i don’t want to be.

yet, i cannot ask for help.

i find my voice muted. i swallow the words i want to share with loved ones who so clearly want to help me. there have been countless moments and thousands of opportunities for me to reach out. each time though, i remain quiet, only watching the moment slip past and listening as the conversation changes paths. why? because i don’t want to burden anyone. i don’t want to spill my negativity into someone else’s life. it’s the reason i isolate myself when i feel down as i have a difficult time socializing when i am sloshing around the murky depths of my negative thoughts. it’s not fair of me to dump my shit on someone else because everyone has her own shit to deal with. asking for help makes me feel guilty.

to be honest, outside of my therapist, the people who read my blog know more about my struggles then anyone i am close to in “real life”. something about anonymity, i suppose.

the other day however, my therapist said something to me that i haven’t been able to put away. she told me it’s okay to ask for help. she told me the people who love me want me to be better. she told me i deserve help.

it’s hard to believe i deserve help when i feel like i treat my sources of help so poorly when i am down. it’s never them. it’s always me and the negativity. they don’t know that though. they just know i am being a bitch for seemingly no reason other than being “tired”. the charade wears me down and only adds to my overall feeling of heaviness.

what i need to know is this: how do you ask for help? how do you approach someone close to you and admit you’re struggling, that you need an ear for listening and a shoulder for crying on and a body to hug? how do you do that to someone without draining that someone of her own happiness? i don’t know how to do that.

maybe i’ll pull a john cusack a la say anything… and hold a boombox over my head playing this little ditty. yeah, i’m pretty sure that would get the message across.

how do you ask for help? have you ever been in a situation where you struggled to ask for help? how did you overcome it, if you did?

namaste

zoe

“when you’re drowning, you don’t say ‘i would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,’ you just scream.”
–john lennon