i am struggling to incorporate more animal products into my diet. when i started my vegan diet all those months ago, i never intended to fall so deeply in love with animals. admittedly, vanity combined with a developing case of an eating disorder motivated me to adopt a vegan lifestyle, not the lives of all the chickens and cows and fish. as i distanced myself from animal products and filled my conscious with information about animal cruelty, the ethical side of my veganism emerged. suddenly i cared about the lives of animals and felt more solid in my decisions to avoid eating them.
as my health started to decline, cravings for chicken, fish, eggs, and greek yogurt re-emerged. and, as i incorporated these animal products back into my diet, i battled against the ethical arguments sounding in my head.
yes, i do have a choice to avoid animal products from huge corporations. i do have a choice to choose animal products free of hormones and preservatives and other nasty chemicals. but the choices don’t affect the conclusion: i am still participating in the system of killing animals. i am still eating life. and it just breaks my little heart.
the ethical side of myself keeps begging me to adopt a vegan lifestyle again. the rational side of myself, however, knows not to tread on that path. not yet, at least. i am vegan in my heart, but not quite in mind and body. i will not allow myself to dive back into veganism until i feel ready. and as i still struggle with food, i don’t think it’s a good idea to box myself into any one lifestyle quite yet. but — i am getting better. i realize the reason veganism failed my body previously was because i avoided whole grains and beans. the calorie and carbohydrate count scared me. i now know in order to be a healthy vegan, whole grains and beans are totally necessary. my fear of these foods has greatly declined. i’m almost there.
for now i think i’m going to stick to a vegetarian diet. i no longer crave chicken or fish and i find when i eat it, i feel wrong. not physically (my body processes it okay), just mentally. i doesn’t feel like the right decision for me. until i can cut out animal products entirely, i’ll continue to eat eggs, yogurt, and cheese. who knows, maybe i’ll never stop eating these things. and that’s okay. the meat though…it’s not working for me. so i’ll settle into a cushy, comfortable vegetarian lifestyle. and that makes me happy. and i’m sure it makes these guys happy, too.
(p.s: be on the look out for some recipes! i’m back in the kitchen — with a vengeance!
p.p.s: please know i hold no judgements toward anyone who chooses to eat meat. or toward anyone who chooses not to eat meat. this is just my personal opinion for my life.
p.p.p.s: it’s raining. wtf.)