last night i hit rock bottom. i sunk into a space i promised myself long ago i would never visit. i know i am all for honesty, but this one, unfortunately, i feel i need to keep to myself for the moment. the experience and all the feelings connected to it feel too raw and almost too personal for me to share. just know i received a blaring sign from the universe that enough is enough, that i seriously need to get my shit together.
right now i’m thinking this: what’s the point? self-love? what’s that word again? this week i saw none of it. especially last night. positivity seems to be slipping fast away from me. it’s kind of like we’re on a bad date and positivity has excused himself to slip away for an extended visit to ‘the bathroom’
i’ve lost the faith in myself.
i’ve long lost the trust.
the motivation feels more distance each day.
i want to be healthy. i want to be happy. yet, i only keep digging myself deeper into frustration, anger, self-loathing. it’s like i’ve resigned myself to unhappiness. i’ve stopped fighting. and it’s not a nice feeling.
the truth is, i’m just not trying hard enough. i’m not fighting back against my urges to binge. those urges are not me. those urges to eat and eat and eat — those urges are not me. i’m sick of feeling sick. i’m sick of feeling bloated, nauseous, tired, irritable, unstable. i’m sick of dreading the new days, of fearing the night. i’m sick of throwing clothes across the room in a fit of stormy anger because they suddenly don’t fit. this isn’t right. this isn’t normal. this isn’t healthy.
the truth is, i need to dig down deep and grab a hold of whatever positivity and motivation remain. i’ve got to stop complaining and see that i do possess the strength to get the hell out of the hole i’ve thrown myself in. i’ve got to stop being this selfish person, this gluttonous person, this unrecognizable person. i have the strength to get through this. i’ve just got to start employing it.
today i am turning things around. today i will treat myself with kindness. today i will move (because movement brings me absurd happiness and i keep forgetting) appropriately. today i will eat respectively, mindfully. today i will not mope or wallow. instead, today i will enjoy the sunshine, the company of friends, and give myself up to the universe. i am being taken care of whether i know it or not. i simply need to relinquish control and settle into the small space of life i occupy with as little worry as possible.
and, before i go, i want to thank you all for your incredibly sweet and supportive comments from my last post. i sat here and bawled my eyes out. literally. this isn’t easy to go through and it’s comforting to know there are people who are willing to be patient with me and offer their advice and support as i stumble my way through all this bs. i apologize for whining like i do. i apologize for the negativity. i apologize for seeming like a child. sometimes i cannot believe you’re all still reaching out to me. i am so grateful for you all. so, from the bottom of my heart, i send you all a million thank yous and a million hugs and a million cookies, because i bake for people who show me such love and kindness. thankyouthankyouthankyou.