self-love sunday

i need a hug. or five.

last night i hit rock bottom. i sunk into a space i promised myself long ago i would never visit. i know i am all for honesty, but this one, unfortunately, i feel i need to keep to myself for the moment. the experience and all the feelings connected to it feel too raw and almost too personal for me to share. just know i received a blaring sign from the universe that enough is enough, that i seriously need to get my shit together.

right now i’m thinking this: what’s the point? self-love? what’s that word again? this week i saw none of it. especially last night. positivity seems to be slipping fast away from me. it’s kind of like we’re on a bad date and positivity has excused himself to slip away for an extended visit to ‘the bathroom’

i’ve lost the faith in myself.
i’ve long lost the trust.
the motivation feels more distance each day.

i want to be healthy. i want to be happy. yet, i only keep digging myself deeper into frustration, anger, self-loathing. it’s like i’ve resigned myself to unhappiness. i’ve stopped fighting. and it’s not a nice feeling.

the truth is, i’m just not trying hard enough. i’m not fighting back against my urges to binge. those urges are not me. those urges to eat and eat and eat — those urges are not me. i’m sick of feeling sick. i’m sick of feeling bloated, nauseous, tired, irritable, unstable. i’m sick of dreading the new days, of fearing the night. i’m sick of throwing clothes across the room in a fit of stormy anger because they suddenly don’t fit. this isn’t right. this isn’t normal. this isn’t healthy.

the truth is, i need to dig down deep and grab a hold of whatever positivity and motivation remain. i’ve got to stop complaining and see that i do possess the strength to get the hell out of the hole i’ve thrown myself in. i’ve got to stop being this selfish person, this gluttonous person, this unrecognizable person. i have the strength to get through this. i’ve just got to start employing it.

today i am turning things around. today i will treat myself with kindness. today i will move (because movement brings me absurd happiness and i keep forgetting) appropriately. today i will eat respectively, mindfully. today i will not mope or wallow. instead, today i will enjoy the sunshine, the company of friends, and give myself up to the universe. i am being taken care of whether i know it or not. i simply need to relinquish control and settle into the small space of life i occupy with as little worry as possible.

and, before i go, i want to thank you all for your incredibly sweet and supportive comments from my last post. i sat here and bawled my eyes out. literally. this isn’t easy to go through and it’s comforting to know there are people who are willing to be patient with me and offer their advice and support as i stumble my way through all this bs. i apologize for whining like i do. i apologize for the negativity. i apologize for seeming like a child. sometimes i cannot believe you’re all still reaching out to me. i am so grateful for you all. so, from the bottom of my heart, i send you all a million thank yous and a million hugs and a million cookies, because i bake for people who show me such love and kindness. thankyouthankyouthankyou.

namaste

zoe

why is it so hard

why is it so hard to just fucking let it be?

(my tattoo)

i am at a loss. i feel myself back sliding. for five whole days i felt amazing. for five whole days i laughed loudly, smiled easily, and slipped into a peace i haven’t felt in years. for five whole days i didn’t binge. and then, just like that, it happened.

who was i kidding anyway, saying i wouldn’t binge again? it was foolish of me to think i wouldn’t. i couldn’t even last a fucking week. i feel incredibly stupid. and so weak minded. and thoroughly embarrassed, ashamed, childish and so…defeated. sure, look at the bright side. i made it five days! yippie! but i am not feeling very bright. i am feeling so uncomfortable. and wickedly frustrated.

i hate bingeing. i hate it with every piece of my being. it ruins my body. i bloat, puff up, gain weight, expand, and trash my digestive track, metabolism, and hunger cues. bingeing poisons my mind, injects it with negative thoughts that tell me i’m just not worth it, that i deserve to feel like shit at all hours of the day. this compulsive habit deflates my spirit and turns me into an unrecognizable, ungrateful, depressed human being i want nothing to do with. bingeing takes me away from friends, from happiness, from the normality i so desperately miss. i am at my wits end over here. i’m crawling out of my skin. i am not this person. and i just don’t know what to fucking do any more.

without bingeing i am happy. i am free. i am lighthearted. those five days of freedom taught me one important lesson: bingeing creates all the problems in my life. when i don’t stuff myself unnecessarily, i feel balanced, beautiful, positive, motivated, and just plain normal. i remember when peanut butter didn’t pose a threat to me. i remember when one cookie suited me just fine. i remember when each meal wasn’t a struggle. i remember loving to cook and bake. i want that back.

and i’m sorry, but no amount of self love will change this. i love myself. i do. i’ve said it before: i am confident in the person i am. i believe i am loved, loveable, loving. i stopped believing months ago that i was unattractive. i’m just stuck. really, really stuck. bingeing is ruining my life. it’s making me listless. or, rather, i’m allowing it to. so someone, please, tell me why this is so hard? why, if i know i am worth it, if i know this is unhealthy, if i know i am only creating a miserable existence, why do i keep doing this?

because i’m just too damn depressed to think of an answer right now.

namaste

zoe

flip the perspective

remember when i mentioned i finally sacked up and actually made an appointment with a therapist?

well at the first meeting we went over preliminary questions. i explained to her my issues around food and my weight. i said i was uncomfortable with the weight gain.

i said “i’m scared to see my friends from high school. the last time they saw me i was skinny. i’ve gained a lot of weight. i’m afraid they’re going to only see that. i’m afraid they’re going to judge me and think ‘oh, she got fat.’”

the information left my mouth sounding entirely rational and sane. she nodded, skirted her pen across the paper on her lap, and looked up at me a moment later, smiling.

“i’m going to repeat that back to you. i want you to hear what you just told me. sometimes it sounds different coming from another person.”

i was pretty sure it was going to sound normal but i listened all the same. she spoke the words. i absorbed them. still, nothing sounded especially jarring. it just sounded truthful.

“did you hear that?” she asked me. she pointed at me and wore a smile practical jokers make. “did you hear how that sounded?”

i told her no, i hadn’t.

“it could be that maybe, instead of seeing you and thinking, ‘oh, zoe got fat’, maybe they’ll see you and say, ‘oh, good, zoe gained weight. she looks good. she looks healthy.’ “

well, i cannot quite tell you how heavily i felt the weight of those words. good. healthy. the words i hear my parents tell me. the words the friends i see every day tell me. the words i hear swirling about my own head.

for months i’ve been looking in the mirror and feeling increasingly comfortable with the image reflected back at me. the weight i gained feels suiting, in some ways. natural. healthy. normal. gaining weight has removed the ‘skinny’ tag from my identity, the one i clung to tightly and wrapped my worth around. i was nothing but skinny. now though, i am not skinny. i am just me. softer, curvier, good, old, normal me. i never changed. just my outsides did.

and my friends never withdrew their love from me because i gained or lost weight. i just thought they would. yes, i am uncomfortable. yes, i am still adjusting to the image in the mirror, still fighting back the urges to say mean things about myself to myself. positivity is a daily practice. and flipping the perspective helps me inch that much closer to feeling whole.

have you ever flipped the perspective in a situation?

namaste

zoe

i’m done

you guys, i’m done.

done. over it. finished. (warning: LONG RANT. i’m feeling feisty and passionate today.)

i don’t know how to explain this. lately i’ve been having difficulty trying to explain all the things i am thinking and feeling. probably because i’ve been thinking and feeling SO.MUCH.DIFFERENT.SHIT. so. bear with me while i drag you all through this.

i am easily influenced. not in all areas of my life but i am. it’s a part of my character i see and acknowledge. i don’t try to change it because i know i am not perfect and flaws exist in everyone. and you know, maybe it’s not a flaw. maybe being easily influenced has directed me towards paths i otherwise might never have chosen.

like vegetarianism. i don’t know where i got the idea of vegetarianism. i think it was a combination of things. like eating (a lot of) meat while in south africa for five weeks might of flipped the switch. i’m sure some influence came from one of my close friends on the trip (oddly enough my first (ex)boyfriend from high school who happened to enroll in the same college as me!) was vegan at the time and very vocal about it. and i’m positive the food blogs i read inspired me to try it out. the books i read further contributed to the switch over. as did the overwhelming support i found from veg-head friends. it looked cool and fun and i wanted to give it a try.

and it was fun and cool at first. i loved it. i felt healthy. i felt in tune with nature, myself, and my body. but then. well. then i got in the way of myself.

unfortunately, my vegetarian intentions triggered reactions i did not at all expect. i turned hyper obsessive. i turned vegan. i cut out food groups. i called foods ‘good’ and ‘bad’ like they had personalities. the food blogs i turned to for inspiration fueled my competitive nature. i ran because every blogger ran. i ate raw, vegan, entirely too small of portions and entirely too healthy (or, really, unhealthily). i wanted to be better at everything. basically, i allowed myself to be governed by other’s opinions and lifestyles despite feeling utterly miserable in mind, body, and spirit.

well kids, i’m fucking done. i can’t do this to myself anymore. and no, this didn’t come out of no where. something kicked my rusty gears into turning.

the other day i was flipping through vegetarian times. iheartvegetariantimes because of the recipes. outside of that i’m not sure i dig it. it’s filled with more advertisements than interesting articles but i’m still glad i get it. i’ve learned a lot from what it offers and have a bunch of delicious recipes to try out. the other day however, as i neared the end of an article, the author offered three reasons ‘to go veg’.

reason one: for the animals
here, i can’t agree more. i did not start eating vegetarian for the animals. in fact, i never thought once about the animals. i ate vegetarian for my health. however, my compassion for animals has greatly inflated. the more deeply i crawled into vegetarianism, the more i learned about the treatment of animals. factory farms slaughter animals inhumanely and it breaks my heart. but what the magazine doesn’t say is this: you have a choice. i don’t have to eat meat from large scale factory farms where animals are fed corn based diets and treated with unspeakable barbarity. i can choose to eat local, cage free, free range (real free range), vegetarian fed chickens (because i won’t eat red meat of any kind. not for me) that are free of hormones or anti-biotics.

reason two: for the environment
again, here i also agree. large scale factory farms “generate 18 percent of the world’s greenhouse gas emission. factory farms are also major contributors to land erosion and water pollution.” but, again, i’m going to say this: you have a choice. you can avoid those large scale factory farms and buy meat from local, environmental sustainable farms. it’s possible (for most people).

reason three: for your health
okay, this i am completely backing. when i stopped eating meat, i stopped getting sick. i felt better. my hair got softer, stronger, and shinier. my skin got firmer, softer, and smoother. however, i still think that, in moderation, you will be fine. especially if you avoid all the junk meat (aka: fast food meat) that the magazine is, i am assuming, referring to. if you buy meat free of hormones and antibiotics found in most commercial meat, you minimize the changes of disrupting your health.

this article, meant to sway readers in the opposite direction, only solidified the decision i have been wavering over for weeks: to eat chicken. i’ve been craving it. and very specifically. stuffed with goat cheese and spinach or simply baked with lemon, olive oil, salt, and pepper. and today, i did it.

i baked it, to be exact. and stuffed it with spinach, goat cheese, sun dried tomatoes and basil and topped it with a drizzle of olive oil, pepper, and red chili flakes.

and it was local, vegetarian fed chicken free of anti-biotics, hormones, and caged in lives. in essence, ethically sourced chicken.

my plate asks me what i am grateful for. my answer? for the chicken’s life and for it giving me life. i am grateful for being able to choose my meat. i am grateful that i am finally listening to what my body’s wants and needs. finally.

do you find yourself influenced easily by others? have you ever gone against your own instincts? what happened?

now, if you’ll excuse me. i’ve got some (plastic) rocks to climb!

namaste

zoe

gaining

dieting is a terrible thing.

okay, so that might be an incredibly broad statement bursting at the seams with sweeping generalizations. but in all honesty, to me, dieting truly is a terrible thing. i mean, the word ‘die’ constitutes almost the entire word. coincidence?

dieting led me to obsessive restriction which fueled compulsive exercise which shaped the most negative of thoughts that produced the most oppressive of lows. it all ended in binge eating and the one thing i was desperately avoiding the entire time: weight.

i’ve come full circle. i’ve officially gained back all the weight i lost. surprisingly, i am floating in a fairly comfortable head space. yes, clothes fit different. or not at all. pants feel snugger. shirts cling in new areas. curves feel rounder. yes, i am gaining weight. but i’m gaining something else too.

i can’t lie and tell you i am thrilled. because i am not. however, i’m not entirely unhappy either. like i said, weird head space. each day i think less about the space i am physically occupying. instead i think about the day. what i can accomplish. i think about fun. biking. yoga. about food when i am hungry. i relish the beauty of the sunshine, the happiness i find in the company of friends, the peaceful moments on coffee shop couches. yes, i am gaining weight. but i am gaining a sense of steady happiness i haven’t felt in far too many days.

sure, i may not be at my most healthy weight. bingeing took me away from my body’s happy weight. i am uncomfortable in this unfamiliar body. nonetheless the need to burn off the extra pounds has yet to take me over. maybe because i know i’ll get there in time. maybe because i’d rather focus on feeling happy and whole and i know now those two things don’t really lie in what i look like or how much i weight. i’m starting to think reaching a happy weight is merely a reward for feeling first happy in your soul. if you feel happy, you will do, think, and be happy. instead of worrying about rigorous exercise and the “perfect” diet, i’m just focusing on happiness. it’s a lot less time consuming. and more fulfilling.

the only way i can best describe how i am feeling is by saying this: i feel free.

there is so much more to life than structured meals and planned work outs and skinny jeans.

i’m having so much fun discovering all the things that constitute that “more” i’ve been missing for so long.

what can you let go of? what in your life are you focusing your energy on? is it making you smile and lighting your heart and soul on fire? is there anything you are focusing on that brings you negativity? do you need to keep holding on to it?

namaste

zoe

self-love sunday: a word about curves

curves. always had em, always will.

they’re in my genes. my family history gifted me soft, feminine curves i developed at a young age. avoiding my body destiny just ain’t possible. how did i ever think it was?

the vainest coolest reason to own a mac? photobooth, of course. but really, i’ve captured some great memories on the thing. another thing i’ve captured? still shot moments of the me of the past. about two years ago my hard drive crashed, erasing the virtual album in my photobooth. when i started my album over, i started two years ago, right at the beginning of my unintentional randezvous with disordered eating and compulsive over exercising.

basically, the stream of photos serves as an excellent timeline. in each photo i see the progression of my weight loss. it shows in the ever increasing gauntness of my face. i see it in the lines of my shrinking waist line. i only took pictures when i thought i was pretty. today i spent a few minutes looking back at these photos. i do this every once in a while for not particular reason and, generally, when i do, a mixture of longing and nostalgia mingle in the pit of my stomach. longing for the body i want back and nostalgia for the body i had.

today, as i opened photobooth for no real reason and scrolled through the photos for no real reason, i stopped at a favorite photo of mine. it doesn’t show my face like the majority of the pictuers. just my body. and i remember the day that i took it. i wore one of my favorite outfits. jeans from high school and a tank top. i felt light and lovely and lithe. the narcissist in me wanted to remember the moment because i knew the feelings would be fleeting. so i snapped three and smile at the result, all aglow from the thinness each depicted. i thought i looked beautiful.

(know these are hard photographs for me to share. i still feel attached to them in odd ways and the idea of judgement keeps swirling through my head.)

the familiar feelings of longing and nostalgia coated my insides again as i stared at the three pictures. “i want to look like that again,” the voice in my head said. “i look so good.”

“i look so good”.

i thought over those words again. i looked deeply at the pictures again. and i didn’t look so good all of a sudden.

as i peered into the three frames, i didn’t recognize myself. those pants? fit perfectly now. not too tight, not too lose. and certainly not baggy enough to show the top of my underwear or require me to hook my thumps into the belt loops just to keep them up. in two of the photos i see the emerging points of my hip bones, the concave of my stomach. the body in those stills did not look like my body.

it looked like a skeletal body. where were the curves i know so well? where was the softness of my stomach? the womanly slope of my side bodies? that is the body i know, the body i’ve known my entire life. that’s the body i’ve been seeing in the mirror and, strangely and surprisingly and unfamiliarly, loving.

those photos exposed a lot to me today. they showed me how far i’ve come. they proved to me i am indeed inching closer towards this idea of self-love. they tell me i am changing and softening in ways i never thought i could.

most importantly though? they show me i am letting go.

have you ever realized suddenly you’ve released a negative way of thinking or being? what did it feel like? were you surprised?

have a beautiful sunday, my loves!

namaste

zoe

“being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. it means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.”
–author unknown

now the sky has cleared and it’s blue

something has happened to my brain.

no, nothing bad. i’m not injured. i just feel…different. let me explain the deets.

for the entire week i’ve somehow managed to avoid negativity. which, considering the past few months, feels something like a miracle. i wake up feeling happy. i wake up feeling light. the brightness follows me all day despite my waiting for the other foot to drop. each day i open my eyes, alight with a familiar, budding peace and each day it surprises me.

no, i have not solved the issues in my life. no, i am not entirely happy with my body. yes, i am still sorting out my food issues (binge free for four days!). yes, i am still struggling to overcome the anxiety, the depression, the doubt. regardless, each day i find myself inching closer to a confidence i’ve never known. something in my brain has just…clicked.

for the past two years my days revolved around exercise and food. the thoughts consuming my mind centered on food, my weight, and exercise. daydreams did not involve guys or the future. no, i spent the days daydreaming about food. then i focused on eating. then i worried what exercise i needed to complete to burn off everything i ate. then i spent countless minutes in front of the mirror pinching and prodding and crying and negatively commenting on my body.

now? well, i choose to focus my attention elsewhere. i’ve noticed that, instead of focusing on food for the majority of the day, i only think about food when i feel hungry. once i fulfill that need my thoughts travel elsewhere. rarely do i consider what exercise i need to push myself through to “burn off” what i ate. i move how i want to move (think yoga and long bike rides and lovely walks). the only time i spend in the mirror is in the morning when i apply the little make-up i wear. critiques of my body just don’t happen. i simply look at the reflection and smile. no more obsessing about the curves, bumps, and “imperfections”.

i feel good.

at work, i talk freely with my co-workers. i laugh a lot. i smile even more. and it feels real. nothing feels forced. yes, i’ve gained weight from a combination of bingeing and under eating and over exercising. but i am choosing not to focus on that. i am thinking less of the body i used to be and thinking more of the body i am right now, and, more importantly, of the person inside this body. because that is the here and now.

i feel centered. balanced. positive. i know i am working towards a healthy weight and a healthy mind. and i know both will take time and patience (something i am gaining more of each day). i took a giant step and met with a therapist. we clicked so well and i feel so great about the decision. i cannot wait to continue with sessions.

i am not fooling myself into believing this feeling will last. but i am also not fooling myself into believing that this change isn’t real. yes, negativity can and will most likely eventually creep up on me, as it does to everyone. the difference though? something in me tells me i’m ready for it this time.

namaste

zoe

i’m alive!

i’m alive, i’m alive i swear!

things around here have been super over-the-top hectic! i moved, am unpacking (ever so slowly), working at the new job, enjoying the sunshine (on my bike!), and finding it difficult to get a moment to post! i’ve got lots of things to talk to you all about. i’ve got a few days off coming up and (fingers crossed!) i’ll find a moment to pop in and post a real post. so, basically, this is a ‘i’m-here-and-didn’t-die’ post!

well, i’m off to work. today is the first day of the anniversary sale which is referred to as “christmas at REI”. you know, in may. it’s also my third real shift and first shift without a guide. um. wish me luck? cause i think i’m gonna need it!

enjoy your friday loves!

namaste

zoe

brain over binge (review)

before i left for new york, i ordered yet another a self-help book: brain over binge by kathryn hansen.

anyone ever read it or heard of it?

basically, the idea is this: bingeing is a choice.

why, hello, controversy. and, you know what? i agree. oh, nice to see you anger, controversy’s best friend! just hear me out a second though.

according to hansen, two levels of the brain exist. the lower brain, the “animal brain”, is “responsible for maintaining out basic biological functions and ensuring our survival. the animal brain is the primitive brain region that generates our survival drives for food, water, sex, oxygen, and other things it senses are necessary for survival. the animal brain is automatic, unthinking, and irrational.”

the other half of the brain, the human brain, “makes you yourself because it gives rise to your consciousness, self-awareness, identity, reason, memory, and intelligence. the human brain also controls your voluntary behavior because it houses the voluntary motor center, which controls any body part you can move voluntarily.”

the best part? “the animal brain cannot make you do anything, because it doesn’t have control over your voluntary muscles.”

hansen describes this revelation when she says “it seemed to explain why part of me wanted to binge more than anything and part of me truly want to quit. there were two brains in conflict within me.”

it seems to make sense to me, too.

like hansen, i “binged because i had urges to binge.” also like hansen, i believe my binges are not symptoms of anythings. she claims her binges were the problem, not her “poor body image, low self-esteem, high anxiety, depressive tendencies, family stressors, or any other problem.” the only true cause for her bingeing? dieting. her binges started a year and a half after first restricting her food intake. want to know something weird? similar to hansen, i’ve struggled with all my current issues my entire life. my low self-esteem and poor body image and depressive tendencies never drove me to binge before. my binges started after a year and a half of first restricting my food intake. and, according to hansen, “the animal brain interprets a diet as a threat to survival, and it naturally and forcefully attempts to protect the body from starvation. dieting is against our nature and our animal brian will put up a fight.”

i cannot tell you how much i used to think about food. it consumed nearly my every thought. what was i going to eat? when was i going to eat? how much was i going to eat? i craved food so intensely during my period of restriction. no wonder i ended up bingeing! i needed food.

however, by bingeing over and over, i engrained in my brain a need to binge. by choosing to binge night after night, i tricked my brain into thinking it needed an abnormal amount of food to survive. despite not wanting to binge and despite eating regular meals now, habit created an urge stemming from my lower brain instructing me to eat.

but i don’t have to listen. because that urge? it’s not me. it’s my animal brain thinking it’s doing the right thing by sending me messages to stuff myself silly. it’s functioning just fine. it thinks it’s protecting me. i just can’t listen to it anymore.

and you know what? since realizing i am (and was) in control, the urge to binge feels more like an annoying, attention seeking younger sibling clinging to my pants leg. the overwhelming, uncontrollable aspect of the urges feel distant. it feels so because i am putting distance between myself and those urges. i am not those urges.

this book is pretty amazing. i already feel a sense of empowerment. hansen is not a medical professional and never claims to be one but she solved her binge eating and bulimia (in her case exercise bulimia…like me!) without the help of therapists (after seeing them for six years) and has not binged in five years. five years! that is pretty extraordinary. there is so much more in the book that i want to discuss but this is already long enough and i think i’ve hit on the main points. do i recommend it to people struggling with binge eating? hell yes. it’s really, really great. a lot of the sentences felt like thoughts taken directly out of my head. i’ve has an assumption for a long time that nothing is wrong with me and that this is just a nasty, deep seeded habit i have to break (just as i broke my compulsive exercising habit and my restricting habit. and hell, my nail biting habit for that matter!).

i’m going to make a pretty bold statement right now: i am not bingeing ever again. i created this habit and i can uncreate it. i don’t need to listen to the instinctive part of my brain. the more i choose to not listen, the less my animal brain will send urges. eventually, it won’t send them at all! i will only observe these urges from a distance, take note of the feelings, and not focus on them. give them attention and they’ll become bigger.

the most important lesson i learned from this? i’m never dieting again.

what do you think my loves? think it’s an insane idea? do you think bingeing stems from habit? tell me, tell me, tell me !

namaste

zoe

self-love sunday (on a monday)

let’s pretend it’s still sunday?

okay, cool. this one’s going to be short and sweet. i moved over the weekend and have to get my ass unpacking.

so. last week. lots of thoughts. lots of self-love tucked in between moments completely devoid of self-love. last week, per usual, i spent a lot of time in thought and uncovered a ton of realizations (i think i might be the queen of realizations).

i’ve made no attempt to conceal the fact that i am struggling with binge eating, my weight, and my appearance. since last summer, i’ve gained about fifteen pounds, a fact i think i’ve mentioned before. yes, i did need to gain weight. regardless, i am still uncomfortable. settling into a new, healthy weight and appearance after attaching yourself to an unrealistic weight and appearance can be challenging.

however, something pretty spectacular has happened. last year around this time, i remember waking up every day and loathing my body and my self. i did nothing right. i was fat, ugly, awkward, dumb, unlikeable. my self-confidence did not exist. no wonder, as each day i unloaded a million insults on myself. it’s inevitable then, that positivity will be eroded until it disappears completely.

now, a year later, despite being heavier, i find myself in a different position. i no longer find myself ugly or dumb. each day i find interacting with other people an easier task. i am smiling more, laughing more. the insults come less often. in fact, i find myself throwing out little compliments more frequently. how? why?

because i am concentrating on myself as a person.

i am no longer viewing myself as just a body. instead, i am the person inside this body. i am seeing myself through the eyes of others. i am seeing myself how i see others: as a whole person, body, soul, and mind. i’ve released the ideas that my worth lies in my appearance or in my weight or in the number on my pants. the improvement has me feeling empowered. i’ve come so far in such a short time all on my own (save for the amazing support system i have). and you know what? i look good. because i look healthy now. normal, if you will. i am occupying the space i was supposed to occupy all along.

in addition to this realization, i’ve realized something possibly more important: i no longer feel guilt when i eat. and i eat what i want, “bad” foods and all. in new york, i ate a slice of coconut cake. it was not vegan. in the slightest. and loaded with white flour and white sugar. and guess what? i enjoyed every bite and felt no need to “compensate” for eating it. it didn’t even feel like an indulgence. it just felt like eating a slice of really, really good cake. i cannot express enough to you all how freeing this is. i am eating what i want, when i want, until i am full and not killing myself via exercise or wallowing in anxiety, guilt, and regret. i find myself not beating myself up after a binge, too. i’m baby stepping towards a normal relationship with food. i couldn’t be happier.

have you realized anything recently?

namaste

zoe