thoughts from long walks

i am currently waiting on cookies in the oven and kale chips in the dehydrator.

(on a walk the other day in sonoma county with a close friend)

a good metaphor for my life, don’t you think?

i’ve got no big message today. no deep, thought out words.

nothing is A-FUCKING-MAZING. and nothing is particularly soul crushing. i am merely existing today, enjoying the seventy-eight degree sun rays and the smells of my kitchen. i am reveling, simply.

last night i preformed poetry again. words direct from my heart. unlike last week, i showed up with a louder voice and more nerves. i stumbled a bit though i spent hours and hours burning the lines into my memory, talking to an empty house, the bay, passing cars and, finally, a circle of strangers. practice doesn’t always mean perfect. nothing means perfect because perfect doesn’t exist.

a funny thing happened when i finished and reclaimed my seat: nothing attacked me inside. yes, i shook and tripped over a few lines but that negative voice stayed locked inside. in fact, i heard nothing. just felt a sense of release and empowerment i am still trying to wrap my mind around. just thought, “i did it” quietly while the words of others filled the balmy san francisco evening.

i took a walk with my self and my headphones this morning. drank a decaf americano. danced the whole way home. thought and rethought those hopes i scribbled for the new-year.

i’ve spent a lot of time since we jumped into 2012 thinking i was a big fat failure. thinking i was doing nothing right, making no progress, only sliding, minute by minute, backward to a place i never wanted to see again.

today changed that.

as cars drove past me and sunshine soaked into my bare arms i understood: i am progressing. i never wasn’t.

i am opening my heart to the world, to people, to myself. i am shedding warped ideas of self and happiness. i am gaining a sense of peace and an understanding of life i never thought i would.

perfection has no place in my life anymore. i am reclaiming the person i used to be. the person i always was.

bumps and all.

namaste

zoe

i’m not sure about that bottle of pills

on tuesday i woke up at six for a doctors appointment i called salvation a month ago.

(photos of birds i take on long walks)

yet, even as i heard “chemical imbalance” and even when i picked up my first bottle of oblong blue pills, i did not feel saved. just skeptical. and mildly uncomfortable.

the mood swings i swing through scare me sometimes. leave me trembling underneath the question of “is this normal?” (really though, what the fuck is “normal”?)

in conversation where stories of sadness and hardship are traded, i realize how unbelievably human it is to struggle. my problems and issues shrink. i become one in a whole. we’re battling, collectively.

it’s just no one talks about it.

post-tuesday-morning-diagnosis i wandered. i walked. i smoked a bowl and sat in sunshine (because february think its spring). i breathed deep and practiced a few heart openers (got all warm-and-tingly in the chest. good signs). one thought sparked two hours of feverish writing. gentle contentment replaced heaviness. i smiled at the idea of knowing how to process.

but, as i am human, subject to an ever changing scenery of emotion, the mood shifted come nighttime. stubborn insecurities i cannot shake heated up cooled over anxiety. late-night sobs stuck to the hollow of my throat. i cried words and tears over my journal. wrote furiously into pages before occupying the land of dreamers and their dreams.

naturally, i woke up today agitated. to an alarm calling for my attention. to a lack of voice. to bitterness. to another long car ride filled with music and sadness. to a therapy appointment actually scheduled for next week. to more tears, to hands too jittery from coffee i never drink, to heart filled up with fear and loathing…

to, eventually, suddenly, nothing but pure joy.

wednesday morphed into endless laughter, seventy-something degree weather, unbounding love.

and i realized:
the more i feel, the more i release.

and i realized:
sadness is normal. crying is normal. anger is normal.

because i realized:

this is the human experience.

this is okay.

i’ve got a bottle of pills now. mood-stabalizers. if i am being honest, i will say i am scared to take them. i am scared to lose this ability to feel, something i just gained access to after years of feeling nothing. i am curious about this lost anger and misplaced sadness.

also, i’m not as scared of my feelings as i was a month ago, on the desperate day i called around for someone to grant me reprieve from my mind. i just feel more human. and, oddly, more connected to people. i’ve knocked some perspective into my life, opened up the dialogue, listened and listened and listened to friends pour their souls out because every one needs an open ear. simply focusing on the people i love and opening up to hear their frustrations has been enlightening. suddenly, i am not alone. suddenly, this isn’t all about me anymore. because it never was. we’re all going through troubles together. despite those quiet moments of deep loneliness, you are, truly, never alone.

life, pills or no pills, keeps happening.

every second i breathe, i pulse. over the course of my waking hours i am one emotion and another. i am human.

and i think i’m okay with that.

namaste

zoe

(p.s: yes, i am going to take the pills, just to see what happens. it’s an avenue i think i need to explore, if only to say, “yes” or “no”.)

music monday

music makes monday so much better.

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or, really, any day better.

before the music though, an astrology announcement:

(because i nerd out over shit the stars tell us)

we transitioned into pisces today so the mood’s all dreamy and spiritual and light and dark all at the same time. i feel happy, calm, motivated, and creative right now. the spiritual energy we wade through under pisces’ influence can be difficult to manage. advice: go with the flow.

if you’re interested at all, i highly recommend checking out here and here. they’ll explain it all a bit better than me, i think!

okay.

nerd session over.

music:

feist! honestly, i generally have to be a feist mood to listen to her…but not with this song! i could listen to this all day. every day.

and, because it’s monday and because monday can have to potential to be lame, here’s a remix of the above song by another guy i love. boyz noize is just one dude from germany and he fucking kills it. i heard this version of my moon, my man first, actually! (warning: this one may not be for everyone. heh…)

may the start of your monday be all kiiiiinds of musical!

namaste

zoe

self-love sunday

i don’t even know where to start today.

a lot happened this week. words, however, are not lending themselves to me, rendering me a writer without expression. i’m just a big ball of feeling.

i am learning to trust my feelings, to question my thoughts. to listen to the whispers of the heart, not the analytical murmurings of a brain. i forget i live in my heart, too.

today, on two feet with arms stretched to the sky, i am open to the world and the universe and abundance. last night, a momentary ‘pop’ released pain in my left shoulder. pain i’ve carried for months. the night before i went to a restorative yoga class and cried. i am releasing.

i am creating space.

i am opening.

i keep thinking, “i don’t know what ought to be.”

over and over.

among other things.

(found in jan spiller’s book cosmic love…or astrology for the soul, i can’t remember. i stumbled across this the other day in a bookstore. i sat there and read for an hour).

love inflates the emptiness felt feelings leave behind.

i breathe deeper. fuller.

there is still salt in the sea water of my life. still waves i navigate. but i am buoyed to a warm, steady happiness.

i am learning how to float.

what are you learning?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: thanks for the comments on the last post. you’re all so supportive and awesome. thankyouthankyouthankyou. i have a lot more to say about voice and speaking and discovering. soon enough!)

yesterday

yesterday i walked around san francisco.

all day.

in boots and orange tights.

with a very close friend.

alight with deep happiness and warm from february sunshine.

then, something funny happened. last night. something out-of-character but so in-character.

i took a deep breath.

stepped into the middle of a circle ringed by people and more people — strangers.

and, in front of all these faces i did not know, i read my poetry.

aloud.

can we talk about fears that are irrational?
can we talk about how calm my heart felt in my chest as i performed?
can we talk about evolving?
can we talk about liberation?

can we talk about how fucking great i feel?

namaste

zoe

some things, funny and not-so

today is a mountains behind mountains kind of day.

(this was the other day)

no clouds. blue sky. glorious sunshine.

oh yeah. it’s not february or anything.

(just kidding it rained last week for two days).

i am very happy today. very settled. after two or three very unsettling weeks. let’s not dwell on that. it’s done and gone. here now is happiness. i like that.

i like silly, random thoughts too. a lot have come up today.

like 1) next month marks my two year blogging aniversary. can you believe i’ve been blabbing into space for that long? i still can’t believe people bother reading sometimes!

2) i fell off my bike today. while not moving. it hurt. but i still laughed despite stinging knees. because really. reaaaally zoe?

3) my soft, gentle, self-love voices sounds like zooey deschannel’s character jess from new girl. i don’t know why. just like i don’t know why zooey spells her name the way she does.

4) it’s my ex’s 23rd birthday today. last year it was raining. i made him cake and we made dinner. the next day, we ended our relationship and my life disintegrated. today, a whole year later, i looked at the sky with a smile and wished him the brightest, happiest birthday.

5) i can’t.stop.dancing.

6) i can’t stop cooking, either. i developed TWO recipes (TWO!) this week so far. vegan dishes i’ll share with you another day.

7) i am, slowly, slowly, feeling my feelings. yesterday i woke up sad. not the immobilizing sadness depression brings, just normal sad. my mind raced for a quick fix, to feel anything other than sad. instead, i laced up my shoes and walked my ass along concrete side walks. i kicked rocks. i cried a little, caught soft sobs in my throat. by evening, i was laughing and conversing and enjoying beers with a friend. BECAUSE I FELT THAT SHIT OUT, YO! (i’m weird.)

(8 ) and i like that, too)

9) i haven’t washed my hair with shampoo in well over a month. it’s healthier than it’s ever been. (i’ll talk about beauty/grooming stuff soon. it’s a secret passion of mine.)

(think i need to touch up my roots? heh…)

10) i am loving on vegetables lately. finally getting back to my roots of wellness. finally remembering what i loved about health and happiness.

11) i am so damn grateful today.

what about you? any silly things you’re kickin’ round up in that head of yours you want to share?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: yes. i took all those photos. please no stealing )

can we talk about gifts?

so, remember when i set the intention to be more open?

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to, you know, receive the abundance of my life?

(i blabbered about that, right?)

well, can we talk about a the gift the universe dumped on me today?

it was kind of fucking great.

remember when i got home from burning man and talked and talked and continued to talk about dancing? i am pretty sure in the middle of all that talk, i declared pretty passionately “i found my soul on the dance floor“?

well. i really wasn’t kidding.

’cause i recognized my soul again today on the hardwood dance floor of my kitchen.

did i ever tell you i wanted to be a ballerina when i was kid? (like almost every other five-year-old girl). but i devoted my body to soccer instead. years and years of nothing but chasing a ball. yes, i loved it. but i still loved dance, too.

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i envied a childhood friend who danced ballet as long as i played soccer. she claimed she wasn’t the best, something about her feet. i always thought she was beautiful.

and free. so, so free.

did i ever tell you how much i hate reality t.v shows but how much i love, love, love so you think you can dance? and how i cry every episode? the only formal dancing i’ve ever seen was a ballet in first grade (i fell asleep) and the dancing of my childhood friend. so of course i sat for long, long weeks in front of the television, pointing always to every dancer and saying, “that’s fucking beautiful.” (because i am really graceful, too).

did i ever tell you when i was a kid i created dances with my friends and performed them for my mom? and the kids at my day care? (surprisingly, i had a lot of friends).

did i ever tell you how i believe in past lives (more on that another time)? i do. and i was definitely a dancer a one point. i feel that down to my bones. (why else would my knees hyper extend and why else can i balance so well and make nice lines? useless talents?)

so, no wonder i envy dancers. dancers are artists who create with their bodies. there are stories in those moves. colors. images. i wanted that.

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last summer i reconnected with the dancer in me again. we rejoiced in an open desert. then, she left.

and came back today. we visited, fell in love all over again. she whispered to me, “just move”. for one, solid song i thought nothing. not a single fucking thought. i just moved. but even that’s not quite right. something moved me.

kind of how something spills words into my conscious and asks for a transcriber. something about writing in a fluid trance isn’t just me. there’s something working through me to paint the world in words. something worked through me today in the kitchen. i opened up and received liberation. and when i came to, wheezing with exertion, i cried.

rain clouds spilled. from the couch i watched rain drop through sun rays. ever the scientific genius, i smiled and said, “i bet there’s a rainbow outside!” and promptly ran/tumbled/walked to the window. to see a streak of rainbow, bright above the hill.

then i cried a little bit more.

(because i am cheesy and think everything has meaning).

how do YOU see your soul?

namaste

zoe

(p.s: i wrote this yesterday)

(p.p.s: the best, best, best part? usually after any dancing i walk around with a sore, inflamed low back. yesterday (and today!) not only do i feel no pain, but i feel strength!)

(p.p.p.s: happy valentine day. to be honest, i am not a fan. for various reasons (maybe i’ll discuss this tomorrow?) but mainly because i believe in loving every day. regardless, have a beautiful, love-filled, chocolate-and-rose-fueled day!)

music monday + HUGStronger

mmmm, the promise of a new week!

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kicking it off with beautiful music always helps wash away those monday blues.

today imma introduce you to phantogram.

i first heard phantogram over the summer when i spent three blissful days at outside lands in san francisco. a friend i was with at the festival loved them and took me to see them. recently, the same friend included them on a CD she made for me. um.

i’m hooked.

the band consists of two people, a man and a woman. they’re flipping awesome. i’ll start you off with the first song i ever heard and let you adventure a little more if you choose to. (choose to).

MOUTHFUL OF DIAMONDS :: PHANTOGRAM

before i wrap up and wish you a pleasant monday, i want to share something else. over the weekend a reader named kaleigh e-mailed me about blog community she started for young women in college: HUGStronger. i took a peek around the site and all i have to say is this: i wish i had a community like HUGStronger when i was in school!

instead of me trying to sum up what HUGStronger stands for, i will allow kaleigh’s own words to explain:

Kaleigh Somers’s college years were plagued by periods of personal doubt and depression, issues with body image, and academic obsessions.

To help empower college students and reassure them that they are not alone in their struggles, be those personal, professional, academic, or athletic, she developed HUGstronger, a content-driven blog community that operates on the belief that honest, authentic storytelling can change the world. The site categorizes posts into relationship struggles, being away from home, health issues, fitting in, academics, and letters to undergraduates in the same field of study.

HUGstronger launched on January 9, 2012 with a team of more than twenty writers. Updated daily, the site continues to drive new visitors as it reaches across the country—Michigan and Iowa, New York and Georgia—and across the globe—Australia, the United Kingdom, India and the Philippines.

“My close friends from home and school were struggling with extreme dieting, sexual promiscuity, panic disorders and suicidal thoughts,” says founder Kaleigh Somers. “I couldn’t sit back and let that drive their college experiences, and I knew empowered storytelling could change that.”

In just ten years, the number of women battling anorexia has increased by more than 75 percent. In the last year alone, bullying-related suicide has dominated the national news. Depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues are rising at dramatic rates. Now, more than ever, undergrads need support.

The HUGstronger team believes young adults need to rise up against the biggest issues they face, but first they must know the team is here, extending a hand, offering them a virtual hug.

On January 30, HUGstronger launched a campaign on IndieGoGo to increase marketing efforts and pay for site redesign costs. Within a week, the team had already raised more than a third of its goal and donations continue to flood in.

College-aged individuals can read informative, empowering posts by like-minded individuals at www.hugstronger.com . They can also submit their stories , share how they’ve helped others grow since coming to college, and join the HUGstronger team .

HUGstronger continues to seek new writers to join the team and contribute on a one-time or regular basis. The more stories shared, the more likely readers will connect with the team and its mission.

can we talk about amazing people? because kaleigh is definitely one of them. a lot of girls and young women struggle silently in college. we feel disconnected and isolated in our problems. we don’t know how to speak up and speak out. kaleigh has not only created a platform for this, but a community as well. you’ll find people to connect with, people to share with, people who understand. take a look around HUGStronger. fight for what you believe in and fight against all you don’t. doing it with other people makes the cause that much stronger.

one more time for good measure: HUGStronger.

have a lovely monday!

namaste

zoe

self-love sunday: love isn’t conditional

i wrote something the other day.

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about a friend and a conversation.
about a friend and gratitude.

i keep thinking about it.

specifically:

the people who love me most are the people i hurt the most.

because i do. i take for granted the love. the support. the affection and attention. i choose to mis-interpret, to build dramas founded on whimsical thoughts.

to be honest:

i think i am a shitty friend (and daughter. and occasional lover).

i think i tarnished a lot of relationships because i tested people. i tested their capacity to love me. i asked for love without ever actually asking for it. and i always got it. overwhelming amounts of the stuff. i got love so deep i got scared.

i distrusted the relationships i held with people because i never thought beautiful, honest, forgiving, loving relationships existed for me. i thought they might go away. that they were conditional. that i needed to be someone else first. because of lessons learned in horrible, no good relationships. consequently, i’ve strained relationships where nothing but love ever existed. i was the only suspicious one. i tested the boundaries of my friendships to test the extent of other’s love for me.

for that i am regretful.

for that i am embarrassed.

for that i am apologetic.

but.

i know now:

love exists for me.

real, unconditional love.

right now.

and, you know, it’s okay for me to take it.

it’s okay for me to express my love for others, to not always expect some back. it doesn’t mean i am any less seen, any less loved. no one is out to get me. i can drop my suspicions. i can trust. i can believe in the relationships in my life. i can believe in myself.

enough to end the silent investigations.
enough to be content with what was shared if a relationship fades.
enough to soften, to accept what is without over thinking.

enough to simply be.

namaste

zoe

things you learn on a hike

1) SPONTANEOUS HIKES WITH SIBLINGS ARE LOVELY

2) NATURE CONTINUES TO SWEEP ME OFF MY FEET

3) THE SOUND OF NOTHING BUT BIRDS AND THE WIND IS A GIFT

4) MY BROTHER REMINDS ME THERE IS MORE TO LAUGH AT IN LIFE THAN CRY ABOUT.

5) AND MAKES ME LAUGH TILL I HURT.

6) I AM FALLING IN LOVE WITH PHOTOGRAPHY (AGAIN) — NO NEED TO LIMIT MY CREATIVITY TO WORDS ONLY.

7) I AM SURROUNDED BY LOVE AND BEAUTY, ALWAYS.

8) I AM SO LUCKY TO LIVE HERE, TO CALL THIS MY BACKYARD.

namaste

zoe